What is it like to have a DH???

S

swedishmum

Registered User
Hi
Im moving to Hong Kong in two months with my husband and 1 year old son.

I am wondering what it is like to have a DH? What it is like to have someone that you dont really know living in your home with you and your family?
Do they get any sparetime during the evening? Do you give them working hours like say 8-7 and if so what do they usually do when they are not working? Do they hang out with the familyor do they usually have their own life in the evenings and on their day off?
What if you just want to kick back at home while the baby is sleeping, isnt it wierd to have someone working away, I guess I would feel like I need to do something aswell:)?
How much is the DH integrated in your familylife?
What should I expect by getting a DH?
I am on maternityleave right now and I probely wont work during my time in hong Kong so Im wondering if i really need a DH or if it is to much of an invasion of privacy?

Im sure some of these questions might seem stupid but Im in the dark here.

Thankfull for all answeres!!
 
every family is different, so the way they each interact with their helper is different.

we LOVE having ours. she has been with us since just before my first was born.

of course, she isn't perfect and neither is our relationship...

she has her own room. we have bought her a dvd and paid for 1/2 of her tv. she does not have "cable" in her room, but is welcome to watch tv in the living room if we are not there. sometimes (very rarely) she watches with us...usually only american idol...she is also welcome to borrow a dvd from us.

she works whatever hours we need. we do not have specified times.

she usually gets up around 7am and gets the kids ready to come with me to my playgroup. she accompanies the children in the class. we often have lunch out. and when we come home, i watch the kids while she prepares dinner.

sometimes, after dinner she gets the kids ready, sometimes i do. it depends on how much paper work i have to do.

once the kids are asleep, she does the dishes (not too hard, we have a dishwasher) and then her own thing.

a DH is FANTASTIC for hk. it is not a very child friendly place and having that extra set of hands is invaluable!

after having ours, it will be very hard going somewhere that doesn't have DHs!
 
I love having a DH! Its great not having to worry about household chores and I can spend more time with my child.

Our DH has been with us now for 4 years and has really become part of our family. She doesn't have any fixed working hours and is there when we need her. She normally finishes work between 8- 9pm. She doesn't go out in the evenings. She either chats on the phone, or watches movies. She has her own tv/dvd player. She's slowly going through our DVD collection. She watches TV with us from time to time, American Idol and some other fav family shows.

Daddy definitely feels the invasion more than me. He can't walk around in his boxers.
 
I am looking forward to the time when I don't need a helper - when my son is old enough to take care of himself.

I miss my space, I miss knowing where things are, etc. etc.

So in my case, role on role on..........I have never been really able to live at ease in my own place!
 
I think like all new situations, it takes time to adjust and for you to work out an arrangement that's suitable for everyone. Generally speaking, I would say it affects the mom more, b/c of the territorial issues - but it also depends on your character.

I'm a bit of a control freak so i found it hard having to "let go" of certain things i'm used to doing for myself. (For instance I still do the actual cooking altho our helper now does all the tedious stuff like food prep and washing up).

It also depends on how big your home is. Our current home was pre-baby/pre-helper so there is no maid's room and our helper is sleeping in the baby's room at the moment. But we are now looking to move to a bigger place and one of the criteria is it has to have maid quarters. I think it's a lot better for both you and the DH if she can have her own private space to retreat to when she is not needed.

But space aside, a lot will depend on how intuitive your DH is in anticipating your needs. Ours is very good that way and she knows we like our private time with bubs when we are home (i'm a working mom) and she will usually stay out of our way (eg in the kitchen) and not "hover" around.
 
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I have a 8 months baby, a room for a helper, but no helper. I don't work and I like my privacy.
We just have someone coming 4 hours/week to help with the cleaning and ironing, and the rest of the week I cook, clean, do the grocery shopping myself.
It will also depends on your appartment and the situation of the helper's room. Some are well situated, with a lot of privacy. We just use the helper's room for storage.
If we have another baby, I'd probably have someone to help a bit more, like part time, but even if you get used to the helper's system/culture once you live here, it still seems strange to me to have someone living with you
24/24.
 
it isn't any stranger than having a room-mate when you are younger, except this room-mate cooks and cleans!

if you can get used to having a room-mate or a flatmate, then you can get used to having a helper. you have no less privacy than you did when you were in uni.
 
what is nice, is the freedom that it allows.
you can go anywhere, anytime as you have someone you trust at home to care for your kids... or if you take your kids out with you and leave your helper at home, when you come home dinner is hot and ready to eat!

(sorry, can you tell how highly i prize my helper. she is a GODSEND for us. we would not both be able to work without her.)
 
thanks for your answeres. I guess I will try to make it on my own at first and if I feel that it is too much. Sweden is a very kid friendly country so Im used to making it myself. I guess I need to experiance the difference.
If it is too much for me I will get a DH. Mostly I want a babysitter who can help me out every now and then. My husband will travel a lot and I want to at least be able to go to the gym a couple of times a week.
 
I find having a helper fantastic and I also am dreading the day we may have to leave HK and go somewhere where I can't have one!

Yes, it takes time having someone in your home but for us the benefits of having a helper far outweigh any cons. It definetly helps if the helper has her own room, and then there is no need for her to hover when you want family time.

I have a toddler and a newborn and having a helper allows me to spend all my time with them instead of having to worry about the cleaning, cooking etc. I HATE housework, don't know how to do it and have no inclination to learn!

It also meant pre 2nd baby I had the freedom to work part time; and it meant my husband could go out of an evening on the spur of the moment as we use to pre baby!

Because helpers are so common in HK it can be difficult to find a baby sitter in HK- not impossible but difficult.
 
Another question...
I'm just about to hire a DH (this was the thread that helped persuade me ). I'm just wondering what people's DHs do at meal times...i.e. eat with the family or separately. We've checked that our soon to be DH is happy to eat what we eat, but after the food is prepared, do we invite her to join us, so expect her to eat alone in her room? On one hand, meal times are a very special bonding time for my family, so I would probably like privacy during this time. On the other hand, I'll feel a bit weird not at least inviting her to sit down with us. Just wondering what other people do and what DHs generally expect.
Completely new to the whole idea of having help - so everyone's comments are really helping!
 
I think you do what you feel comfortable with.

Growing up in HK our helper preferred to eat by herself, and so now I have a family of my own and our own helper, I am more comfortable with her not eating with us when we are at home. Dinner time is family time and a chance for my husband and I to catch up etc. when he comes home from work.
Our helper is happy to eat by herself.

I think your helper would be happy with whatever you decide.
 
I just moved to HK as well and we are waiting for our DH to come from the Philippines.

My husband and I ARE nervous about having someone around 24/7, but are also excited at the thought of regaining some of our life back. As most have said, if you want her to be completely involved then she can be. If you want her to take a more passive role, then she can as well. It's completely up to you. For me personally, I love spending time with my son and I love taking him to playgroup even though more than half of the adults are helpers. I love watching him and seeing him interact. I also enjoy doing some of the market shopping BUT, I cannot wait to go see a movie with my husband on a Friday night or have a dinner made when I am just too exhausted to cook.
 
I also find having a live in helper a very positive experience. I had a part-time helper for a year-and-a-half, but when we started planning a family, I wanted to hire a full-time live-in helper.

You should be very careful in choosing your helper. Mine is the niece of my former part-time helper, who we loved and trusted. We hired her from the Philippines directly (she had never been to Hong Kong before) and, therefore, it was important for her to start with us before the baby is born so that she could get to know us, our family and Hong Kong!

Although your helper is a 'stranger' at first, you will get to know her very quickly (if you take the time)! If she is a good person and genuinely interested in her job, she will also get to know your family and your personal preferences. Ask many questions when you interview - try to get to know the person rather than focusing on the skills they have. Someone who takes pride in themselves and their job will be a great helper.

It definitely helps for her to have her own room - It allows her to truly enjoy her private time, and to have her own space to go to when she needs to rest or talk to her friends and family.

My baby is due in November, but we have a small dog, so our helper gets up around 7am and feeds the dog, tidys up the living room/kitchen while we get ready. After we leave she tidys up our room, starts laundry or does some more 'deep cleaning' like windows, cleaning the refrigerator, etc.

I do not work, but I do spend my mornings out of the house most days, at classes or meeting friends. If I am home, she works around me. I do feel lazy at times, but I know that I could not do as good and thorough of a job as she does - she is truly a professional - ironing sheets to a crisp, polishing silverware, dusting curtains (stuff I would almost NEVER do)! I did make a basic chore list for her (outlining daily, weekly and monthly chores) - but she always comes up with stuff I never thought of - like ironing sheets, or alphabetizing movies!

She takes breaks whenever she wants, when the laundry is drying, or if the chores are light - she has a TV/DVD player in her room and we paid for half of a very basic computer - which she can use our wireless connection to chat with her friends or email. We also set her up with a nice bunk-bed with desk and armoire below - and I never enter her room without asking, it is her private space.

Her job is normally finished after dinner (8pm or so) and she retires to her room. If we have a dinner party, and she stays up late to help, we tell her to take the next morning off, which means she won't start until noon or so. The only meal she cooks or assists with is dinner, and I usually give her advance notice if we will not be eating at home so she can arrange her dinner.

She eats what we eat, but does not sit down to eat with us. We do have chats about her family, her church, her studies while we are cooking together, or if we run errands together.

If you've ever hosted a work-study student, or been one - the situation is similar to that. You are exchanging room, board and a stipend, for work. You should respect your 'boarder', or helper's privacy, and provide them with a comfortable place to call their own. They, in turn, should respect your family's privacy and the work schedule or tasks that you have set.

Hope that helps!
 
Hi Swedishmum
I love having the part time help with the house but do not have a live in helper. My main reason is that depending on your flat, you will find that the maids rooms are often TINY and I would feel a bit bad to feel someone was spending their spare time in there and therefore probably encourage them to come spend time with us and therefore have no privacy! I love having my space and home to myself.
Good luck with the move and the pregnancy!
 
our helper always eats with us. when she started with us we were in a small apartment and i didn't want her standing up in the kitchen to eat.

i invited her to eat with us and she always does. on her days off, she usually eats out, but if she's around, she usually watches tv in her room and eats while watching tv.
 
from a helpers point of view:

meals times: I and most helpers i know would rather eat by ourselves.. (i am uncomfortable eating with my employers as IT IS family time, and in most cases for working parents, the only time they all come together and catch up)

work schedule: just an outline will very helpful.. always be specific about how you like things done.. like if you want to fold your towels in a certain way etc.. other wise we just do things the way we like to do it...

privacy: i use to share a room with the 8yr old child of my employers. i sit on my bed if i am need and they just call me if they want me to do smth. after dinner i take our little doggy out and have some fresh air and relax a bit. after that its back to my bed as they are the ones who gets our boy ready for bed..

days off: i go out all day. they dont ask what i do or try to control it.. offers suggestion of where to go and what to see... often they would give me a map :D as they know i like to explore a bit..

mobile: i am free to use my mobile arount the house as long as i dont take calls during work.. my ward used to play with it a lot. i play games or listen to music while waiting for them to give the go signal for dinner.

house phone: im free to use it as well as long as i keep the number secret from my friends... so im allowed outgoing calls but not incoming calls.
 
i often ask my helper about her plans for her day off... i've given her extra $ so she can buy a nice lunch for her friends. i've had her friends come over for a bbq where I cook...

she doesn't take it like i'm being nosy... i just want to make sure she and her friends enjoy their day off...
 
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