akachan
Registered User
Hunter,
Are you saying you would murder your husband if you knew you could get away with it? Get some help immediately! You sound very disturbed and unhappy.
Need to vent! frustrated with husband
- Thread starter yuukalim0404
- Start date
Hunter,
Are you saying you would murder your husband if you knew you could get away with it? Get some help immediately! You sound very disturbed and unhappy.
Shenzhennifer
Registered User
I think you`re just stirring up trouble there, akachan. Not a very positive or helpful remark.
From all these posts about being dissatisfied with husbands, I have noticed that most of us complaining are the ones without helpers. Am I right? Not that I`m out to get a helper, but a lot of my own gripes come from all the things that I do around here that are either taken for granted, expected to be done as my `duty`, or exacerbated by a messy partner. The day the cleaning lady comes I`m a lot more relaxed.
From all these posts about being dissatisfied with husbands, I have noticed that most of us complaining are the ones without helpers. Am I right? Not that I`m out to get a helper, but a lot of my own gripes come from all the things that I do around here that are either taken for granted, expected to be done as my `duty`, or exacerbated by a messy partner. The day the cleaning lady comes I`m a lot more relaxed.
carang
Registered User
i remember seeing a show on tv and the wife/mother was complaining about the husband's complaining.
she said, "he doesn't realise that the pile of laundry on the chair that he is complaining about is NOT the same pile as he saw this morning. i've done 4 loads of laundry since he left. he just can't see it. he seems to think that his clothes magically wash, dry, fold & iron themselves." or something to that effect.
i think that the problem many women still face is that to many husband's their wife is "JUST a housewife" or "JUST taking care of the kid/s"... the husbands don't seem to understand exactly what this entails. the hubbies complain about working long hours, without thought to the wife who wakes in the night to feed the child, clean the vomit, change the diaper etc. they don't consider the fact that this same wife starts "work" the minute she wakes and doesn't finish until the minute she falls asleep. he complains that he has to put in so much OT, but doesn't consider that his wife works 18 hours per day and on bad nights, 24 hours per day.
he complains that his boss doesn't appreciate the hard-work he puts in for the company, when he hasn't a clue what his wife does to make HIS life easier.
THAT is what these wives are complaining about. they just want a, "gee honey, was XX this grumpy all day? that must have been difficult for you to deal with! you must be tired. Why don't you go have a nice long, hot bath? i'll watch junior for an hour while you relax."
or maybe even, "wow, the house looks great! you take such great care of the family!"
actually, all most of us want now and then is very simple...
"THANK YOU!"
just two words, but you'd think that they were expensive for how some husbands ration them out.
she said, "he doesn't realise that the pile of laundry on the chair that he is complaining about is NOT the same pile as he saw this morning. i've done 4 loads of laundry since he left. he just can't see it. he seems to think that his clothes magically wash, dry, fold & iron themselves." or something to that effect.
i think that the problem many women still face is that to many husband's their wife is "JUST a housewife" or "JUST taking care of the kid/s"... the husbands don't seem to understand exactly what this entails. the hubbies complain about working long hours, without thought to the wife who wakes in the night to feed the child, clean the vomit, change the diaper etc. they don't consider the fact that this same wife starts "work" the minute she wakes and doesn't finish until the minute she falls asleep. he complains that he has to put in so much OT, but doesn't consider that his wife works 18 hours per day and on bad nights, 24 hours per day.
he complains that his boss doesn't appreciate the hard-work he puts in for the company, when he hasn't a clue what his wife does to make HIS life easier.
THAT is what these wives are complaining about. they just want a, "gee honey, was XX this grumpy all day? that must have been difficult for you to deal with! you must be tired. Why don't you go have a nice long, hot bath? i'll watch junior for an hour while you relax."
or maybe even, "wow, the house looks great! you take such great care of the family!"
actually, all most of us want now and then is very simple...
"THANK YOU!"
just two words, but you'd think that they were expensive for how some husbands ration them out.
yuukalim0404
Registered User
Cara- very well said! I think that's what I need at least 
Hunter- from reading your post, I could still feel your deep frustrations and I do agree prehaps going to a couseller will be useful at this stage since your other situation cannot change much at this moment ( ie get a helper or get a job immediately) Living day by day with this kind of angry thoughts makes one so pented up that sometimes it can even affect sleep and indirectly health and I am sure you will agree its not worth for that to happen to you.
Just a quick update, I have to agree with Shenzhenifer that hired help makes a world difference, if possible.
We recently signed on a fulltime maid as I will be going back to work and though she has not started till next 1-2months, mentally my mind has become MUCH more relaxed knowing help is coming soon. Btw though hubby does care and play with our baby after work, in terms of household help, he has became totally hands off since I am fulltime mom at home now! sigh!!
Hunter- from reading your post, I could still feel your deep frustrations and I do agree prehaps going to a couseller will be useful at this stage since your other situation cannot change much at this moment ( ie get a helper or get a job immediately) Living day by day with this kind of angry thoughts makes one so pented up that sometimes it can even affect sleep and indirectly health and I am sure you will agree its not worth for that to happen to you.
Just a quick update, I have to agree with Shenzhenifer that hired help makes a world difference, if possible.
We recently signed on a fulltime maid as I will be going back to work and though she has not started till next 1-2months, mentally my mind has become MUCH more relaxed knowing help is coming soon. Btw though hubby does care and play with our baby after work, in terms of household help, he has became totally hands off since I am fulltime mom at home now! sigh!!
B
Bumps
Guest
I believe that it is important for people - husbands and wives - to feel appreciated for what they do in the home. I always tell my husband how much I appreciate him making the bed, doing the dishes, picking up the groceries - basically anything that he does to help with the functioning of our home, I thank him. He too thanks me for what I do. It is not over the top... just a simple 'thanks' sometimes is the key. I also believe that EMPATHY makes a person feel loved and appreciated. And to say "I'm sorry"...... when called for.
Since we met, we always take 15 mn every evening to tell all about our day. We were doing it when we were both working, so we could vent our stress and have a nice evening without thinking about job matters, and we are still doing it, even though I'm not working anymore. Sure, telling about the laundry, and grocery shopping, and taking the kid to playgroup etc is not as exciting, but it's my life, and I have no reason not to tell about all the things I'm doing everyday.... that way my husband knows what my days are made of (and I'm quite sure he wouldn't change his place for mine, even though he is very supportive and share all the tasks when he is home), and I still listen to his work stories.
And we also thank each others for... doing the dishes, and little stuff that both has been doing during the day. I know some people think it's ridiculous, and take that for granted (heard that from some people i know), but it just takes the little voice "I'm doing that every day and I'm so tired of it and he does not see anything" off my head !
So... are we doing this because he is a supportive husband, or is he a supportive husband because we are doing this ?
And we also thank each others for... doing the dishes, and little stuff that both has been doing during the day. I know some people think it's ridiculous, and take that for granted (heard that from some people i know), but it just takes the little voice "I'm doing that every day and I'm so tired of it and he does not see anything" off my head !
So... are we doing this because he is a supportive husband, or is he a supportive husband because we are doing this ?
carang
Registered User
"even though I'm not working"
this is the biggest problem. Frenchy, you ARE working. you are just not earning for what you are doing. that in no way makes it less valuable than husband's contribution.
i think that until women can learn to value themselves if they choose to work in the home, then it is very difficult for husbands to value it.
ps> Frenchy, i'm not targetting you. just what you said because i think it epitomises the problem that many women face.
this is the biggest problem. Frenchy, you ARE working. you are just not earning for what you are doing. that in no way makes it less valuable than husband's contribution.
i think that until women can learn to value themselves if they choose to work in the home, then it is very difficult for husbands to value it.
ps> Frenchy, i'm not targetting you. just what you said because i think it epitomises the problem that many women face.
I understand, no problem. It was just a way to say I was not working in a company. I have no problem with being at home and I'm very happy about my situation, I'm not putting myself any pressure about working "outside"... and my husband understand how valuable my work at home is... that's the chance I've got.
This thread is getting more and more encouraging. All well said, ladies, especially Carang. You are a STAR. I used to say to my hubby back in Australia when we couldn't afford any help: I would be making more money than you are if we split my work into: a baby-sitter; a cleaner; a cook; a teacher; and the one who unconditionally love and care for the children: priceless...
My husband used to be very non hands on and would just assume that he would have clean shirts for work and the house would be tidy etc..
I was a full time mum then and things worked well for us in the house but then my husband was made redundant and I found a job so our roles became reversed where he stayed at home and looked after our son while I worked in an office.
He suddenly appreciated every little thing that I did in the home and with our son. He managed to look after our son but the things he took for granted like the washing, ironing, hoovering etc were not done while I was working!
When he got his current job and we moved to Hong Kong I again became a full time mum and was pregnant quite soon after arriving here. We now have two children and no helper but my husband really understands how hard it can be for me and often sends me out for the day on the weekend so that I can have "me" time and I also get at least one lie in on the weekend too.
He really appreciated the things I do now and thanks me every day for the clean house, well looked after children, dinner on the table, clean shirts etc.
At the time the redundancy seemed like the end of the world but I am glad that he got to "walk in my shoes" for a little while so that he could appreciate me and the things I do.
I was a full time mum then and things worked well for us in the house but then my husband was made redundant and I found a job so our roles became reversed where he stayed at home and looked after our son while I worked in an office.
He suddenly appreciated every little thing that I did in the home and with our son. He managed to look after our son but the things he took for granted like the washing, ironing, hoovering etc were not done while I was working!
When he got his current job and we moved to Hong Kong I again became a full time mum and was pregnant quite soon after arriving here. We now have two children and no helper but my husband really understands how hard it can be for me and often sends me out for the day on the weekend so that I can have "me" time and I also get at least one lie in on the weekend too.
He really appreciated the things I do now and thanks me every day for the clean house, well looked after children, dinner on the table, clean shirts etc.
At the time the redundancy seemed like the end of the world but I am glad that he got to "walk in my shoes" for a little while so that he could appreciate me and the things I do.
Hi Hunter,
Just want to say 'hang in there'! I understand your frustration. My husband is very unsympathetic and is my personal 'opposition party' in the house. Basically he opposes to everything.... where we get our groceries... when the baby should wake up... what I should hang on the wall... basically every single minute detail of life, he has and will have very strong oppositions to even though I know he does not really care. Basically he just like to 'throw a monkey spanner into the works' and stir stuff.... When I saw the comment about being a couple again in our next life like in those romantic comedies, I really laughed....Hahaha I agree what is the point.
Very difficult to be in the same boat when you row in opposite directions. I am also trying my best to work on it and must profess, I do think about jacking it in sometimes... so hang in there Hunter, you are not alone.
Just want to say 'hang in there'! I understand your frustration. My husband is very unsympathetic and is my personal 'opposition party' in the house. Basically he opposes to everything.... where we get our groceries... when the baby should wake up... what I should hang on the wall... basically every single minute detail of life, he has and will have very strong oppositions to even though I know he does not really care. Basically he just like to 'throw a monkey spanner into the works' and stir stuff.... When I saw the comment about being a couple again in our next life like in those romantic comedies, I really laughed....Hahaha I agree what is the point.
Very difficult to be in the same boat when you row in opposite directions. I am also trying my best to work on it and must profess, I do think about jacking it in sometimes... so hang in there Hunter, you are not alone.
Shenzhennifer
Registered User
One of the main things that really P$%& me off is not that I don`t receive enough thanks and recognition, it`s how my husband `unintentionally` makes my job harder. Coming home and being a slob basically. Leaving his stuff lying around, not returning things to their place, just lying on his lazy bum `taking a rest` while I`m working around the house. I have tried to tell him this, but he just doesn`t seem to get it. He often does the dinner dishes, and he thinks he`s a saint, as no other man does this (he thinks).
I`m not a cleanaholic or a neatfreak, but I like order and things neat and tidy and somewhat organized, especially in these tiny spaces. He doesn`t give a toss. And when he is working against me (intentionally or not), it makes me feel like he`s totally disrespecting what I do around here.
Word.
I`m not a cleanaholic or a neatfreak, but I like order and things neat and tidy and somewhat organized, especially in these tiny spaces. He doesn`t give a toss. And when he is working against me (intentionally or not), it makes me feel like he`s totally disrespecting what I do around here.
Word.
Shenzhennifer
Registered User
Then the place would look like a sty. It`s too small to do that as well. I tried it with an empty bottle and glass once, but eventually I had to remove it because the cleaning lady was coming anyway. When I mentioned it to him, he made a joke about it. The only thing I do is if his clothes are lying about, I just throw them all crumpled in his closet. I don`t think he notices
My husband and I used St. John's Counseling.
Worked out great. I saw one separately (a female - she was GREAT!) and we saw (a male - as there was no way my husband would listen to a woman tell him how he feels about things) a different counselor together.
We didn't realise how hard moving to a foreign country and switching roles could be on each other. We worked out that we had maybe 4 bad days and 3 ok ones - not even good! And we've... our marriage and myself has hit rock bottom before.
Hang in there. It'll all work out in the end. Now, we almost everyday in the week is a good one. There may be moments in the day when i want to wring his neck though still. But we've learned to communicate our needs without antagonizing each other through counseling.
It's actually brought us closer together... It's brought us almost to a level where we used to be when it was just us... even though we've not had many opportunities to go on dates. Like Frenchy - we spend at least 10 minutes a day... just us talking about our day.
Worked out great. I saw one separately (a female - she was GREAT!) and we saw (a male - as there was no way my husband would listen to a woman tell him how he feels about things) a different counselor together.
We didn't realise how hard moving to a foreign country and switching roles could be on each other. We worked out that we had maybe 4 bad days and 3 ok ones - not even good! And we've... our marriage and myself has hit rock bottom before.
Hang in there. It'll all work out in the end. Now, we almost everyday in the week is a good one. There may be moments in the day when i want to wring his neck though still. But we've learned to communicate our needs without antagonizing each other through counseling.
It's actually brought us closer together... It's brought us almost to a level where we used to be when it was just us... even though we've not had many opportunities to go on dates. Like Frenchy - we spend at least 10 minutes a day... just us talking about our day.
fingerscrossed
Registered User
After reading this thread (and many others) I've come to the conclusion that the majority of men out there:
1. NEED television & computers
2. Think that household chores are for 'women' only
3. Like to criticize but don't practice what they preach
4. Don't pick up after themselves / leave things lying around
5. Need appreciation for doing the dishes (big deal!)
Doesn't this all sound like the behaviour of a teenage boy? Sometimes I wonder how my husband has gotten to where he has today (career-wise) when he meets all the points in the list above. If I could turn into a fly and watch him at work, I might understand him more.
1. NEED television & computers
2. Think that household chores are for 'women' only
3. Like to criticize but don't practice what they preach
4. Don't pick up after themselves / leave things lying around
5. Need appreciation for doing the dishes (big deal!)
Doesn't this all sound like the behaviour of a teenage boy? Sometimes I wonder how my husband has gotten to where he has today (career-wise) when he meets all the points in the list above. If I could turn into a fly and watch him at work, I might understand him more.