Need to vent! frustrated with husband

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yuukalim0404

Registered User
Grrrrrrr, I am feeling over the limit with husband of me. He is generally a quiet guy that does not express himself well. Recently our 8mths old baby has been more fussy and when I leave baby with him so that I can get some housework done ( we have no maid), baby just goes hysterical and cry and cry, but I just CANNOT understand why he cannot talk or pacify our baby with some words, songs or something??? he just carry her, put her in all sorts of positions but mouth shut....baby crys like there is NOONE besides her...so in the end, I still have to put everything down and pacify my baby who by then is so upset that I have a even harder time to calm her down...
and if I tell him to talk to baby, he gets defensive and just clamps up further.....

Just this morning, I finally managed to put baby to sleep after a long struggle ( she is a bad sleeper who wakes up at slighest of noise) and husband comes into room and starts to dust the funiture which though is a proactive move but TOTALLY at the wrong time, indeed he woke up baby....I whispered he should not do this at that time and maybe why not later when baby is awake ( beacuse usually he WILL be watching TV or PC)??? but he just refuse to take my advise and say he absolutely is not making any noise...BUT still he woke baby up...that made me so mad.....because he is NOT the one that will make baby sleep.
Already, I am having very poor nights and totally lack of rest recently!!

I just can't understand why this man is so totally inflexible and refusing to admit his simple mistakes. (yes there are several other examples)

Sorry, just need to vent!! And seriously comtemplating a maid....
 
unlike most women, many men have not had exposure to caring for babies. even as a child, most girls are given dolls to play with while boys are given cars, dinosaurs, trains and the like (not that i agree with this at all!!!).

also, i'm guessing that you care for the baby most of the time while hubby is out of the house "working".

that being the case, he is trying to be helpful, but he just doesn't know how.

when he was dusting, did you look at him with a snarl and sneer while whispering "what are you doing THAT for now??? can't you see i've just gotten her to sleep!!!!!" or did you calmly say, "thank you for trying to help, but i've just gotten her to sleep, maybe you could do that later. right now, why don't you help me sort the laundry?"

do you see where i'm coming from?

i am in no way implying that what you feel isn't real, but it may be your approach that is lacking rather than the effort on your husband's part. he probably doesn't talk to her because he doesn't know what to say. it doesn't come naturally to him to speak to someone who cannot speak back. he probably feels silly doing so. you need to encourage him. ask him to tell her a story instead of saying, "why can't you talk to her?"
 
and yes, if money isn't an issue, definitely consider a helper!

it is wonderful that your time can be dedicated to your daughter instead of the tedious housework that take up so much time that could be better spent with her!
 
cara, thanks, I agree my approach may not be the most pleasant, its just so hard to contain myself when I am feeling so tired and all. Plus at night I take care of her while he is snoring away!!- you know what I mean I think many ladies go through that, that's why I said earlier, I just needed to vent...felt better already
 
i know EXACTLY what you mean! i, too, struggle with the hubby. but for us, the biggest problem arises from disciplining the kids. i'm very lucky. my hubby always got up to help at night. he still does!

good luck! glad you feel better!
 
It is good that you have your feelings written down and posted here on geobaby.com. This is a perfect platform to vent your stress.

You are definitely not alone. At least, you have me. I posted a thread with the basically same subject a while ago - how helpful is the daddy in taking care of your baby. But sounds to me, that your case is not too bad. at least your husband does take the initiative to help, like try to pacify your baby by simply holding her, and try to dust the furniture though at the wrong timing. To me, your husband is really trying to help, but just that maybe he just doesn't know the technique, at least he was trying to hold your baby in different positions to pacify her.

For my case, my husband doesn't really take the initiative to help. He will never dust the furnitures without my instruction. When he gets home from work, he simply watches TV or plays the stupid online games. Gosh, don't know why he just doesn't grow up. FYI, we don't have a helper neither. As you see, I am the one to take care my baby, i am the one to play with my baby and i am the one to do the housework, unless, I ask him to help. can you imagine? even to play with his own son has to be instructed. I really cannot comprehend. I am very frustrated as well. I guess some men are just born to be mentally under-developed.

Well, he is improving a bit these days though far behind my expectation, but anyway, will give him some time.

Good luck to both of us.
 
Hunter- hang in there!
My hubby comes home and on the TV straight away too...I think if TV is extinct he probably will not survive (I'm serious)...anyway, I think he does tries to help, but most of the time, he also needs to be told what to do...maybe not lazy but just totally clueless!!
Cara - actually I used to work full time too, but recently has worked from home part time as I needed more time with baby and market is quiet anyway.
Anyway its good to know I am not alone, thanks again!
 
My DH is very fond of Wii (in fact playing it right now!).

Yuuka - My approach is also not the most pleasant one at times (many times), so I can understand how small things frustrate you. Especially when it`s you that stays home with the baby all the time and have gotten to know what works and what doesn`t with her...then your husband comes along and either seems to ruin it or doesn`t go along with the groove that you made. That`s how it is here too. But unlike your husband, mine would never think to start dusting. In fact, the idea makes me chuckle:) Also, he is snoring away at night, and although in my best mind, I don`t need him to wake up bc I`m nursing anyway and he should be well rested for his job since he needs to face people all day - I don`t. But when we`re tired, and I haven`t slept a full night since I conceived this baby, well, our emotions can easily overtake us.
So, vent away!!
 
this is so funny, what you girls are saying are just so similar to my experience.. if i didn't know better, i'd think we are talking about the same husband!!

hmm.. don't expect any appreciation from the husbands,, well , buy something for yourself on mother's day!!
 
Yes, I am so worried about Mother`s Day, hehe. It`s my first. Xmas was a bust, Valentine`s day was non-existent, my birthday he barely did it...and he had trouble remembering our anniversary even though it has been under a year. So we`ll see what happens on Mother`s Day. I think I might have to rename it Angry Wives Day;)
 
I have no expectation on all sorts of big days including the coming Mother's Day. But I guess I will have something from my son as the school should make them prepare a gift for the mommy. Good enough for me!

Yeah....Angry Wives Day. Love that. very realistic.
 
hahaha,I started this thread and boy am I glad I did! You ladies make me feel so much better and I am indeed not alone experiencing this.
Shen- my xmas, v day and my bday(just past recently) totally came and went. Well to give him some credit he did asked if I wanted anything on my bday...but be honset I was too busy with bb to care actually. To give him some justice, his bday came and went too with just a cake!!
Mothers day- angry wives day, that's a good one, hoping when our little one become bigger someone will remember then...ok gals we should remember to appreciate our own mummies too...
 
Hi all, I'm glad someone has posted this thread for everyone to share about the frustration they have with their husbands. My husband grows up in a traditonal family and he thinks it's all a woman's job to take care of the family. What he wants is just quality time for himself but none for me. Both of us work full time, we have a maid, but the maid usually goes off to bed at 11 and then to her room, so it's usually Me who takes cares of our son after we finish work, what my husband do is just to sit in front of TV, lie on the sofa and sleep when it's time. He never thinks about whether I need a rest too or he should ever spend time reading or playing with his son. Since our baby's bed is in our room, what he does is sleep on the sofa instead of the room for fear of being disturbed, but for god's sake he never thinks about me, who is sleeping and taking care of the son alone at night........ Sometimes, when my son falls down after running, he is never the first one to run over and check on him, what he does is just to ask a simple question, is he ok? Sometimes, I just try to question whether he really loves us at all.
 
i must say that i feel the utmost sympathy for you ladies.

i guess i'm VERY VERY lucky with a husband. he has ALWAYS woken up with the kids, even now he doesn when it's necessary.

we are lucky though as his job is physically exhausting (he boards dogs in our home, so he is often up at 5am letting the dogs out, then walking and feeding them), but he is able to have breaks throughout the day when no one else is home. he can sleep, play onthe computer or watch tv.

i, on the other hand, have a job that is physically and mentally exhausting, but i always have to be "on". i teach baby playgroups, so it wouldn't do for me to fall asleep in the middle of class.

as such, my hubby wakes up more in the night than i do! he has always helped change diapers, prepare milk, or just help out.

i thank god everyday for such a great husband!
 
me too me too!!! I was sharing the 'how helpful is hubby in taking care of the baby' thread with my DH just to get him to realize what women needed..and he just said 'see you aint alone' !! and then he went on to demonstrate the 'changing baby's poopy daiper in a bus' with our baby this weekend ..--failed miserably and said 'oh well, i did my best'..
So I've just given up..I dont work and am a full time mum of my 7 month old baby...and Yeah a helper is a great idea even if your mum-in-law says'but its such a small house' :haha:
 
My husband is as "helpful" as what most of you have described. We just have so much differences that we were on the verge of getting a divorce, but things are getting better now. Thanks to the marriage counsellor. SInce things have improved, I am eager to try for number two but seems that my husband is not ready yet.What is the best way you think to convince a man to have kids? Or is there not?
 
a mum, can you give me the contact of your marriage counsellor? To me, we are at the verge of getting a divorce too. We have a toddler and I am thinking to give our marriage a second chance, not for myself but for our kid.
 
Could you get rid of your TV's? Say "I gave it away, because I felt like it was interfering with our marriage. I love you and I miss spending time together with you."
 
yeah...i feel sorry for myself too.

I can see that you are a very dedicated and stressful mom, plus you still need to work. Well, I wish I could work just that I can't find one.
Being a full time mommy isn't easy, it is a 19-hr (5 hours sleep) a day, and 365 days a year type of job. but I always believe in the fact that we as human beings are not afraid of physical fatique, no matter how tired we are, as long as we have the unconditional support and understanding from our family, we can still maintain a happy family.

BUt I am one of the unfortunate wives. Same as you, I have to do EVERYTHING, cleaning, going to the wet market, cooking, doing laundry, telling stories, playing with my son, bathing him, helping him to brush his teeth, tucking him in bed, and then washing the dishes, etc. and you know what the dear husband can be doing? He can sit there watch TV while I am working like hell. I just don't understand. How on earth a man can be that selfish?

You know, it is quite a common thing to say in a romantic drama that the deeply in love couple would like to be couples again in their next life. Hell no for me. Now I kind of understand why there are so many violent cases that the wife killed the husband or vice versa. But don't worry, I won't do that, I won't ruin my life and my son's life for that crappy type of man.

I wish I could have the financial ability to raise my son alone.
 
Hi Hunter, I moved from HK to Singapore over a year ago and have been seeing a marriage cousellor on and off here. But before I left HK, I went to one in Caritas at Caine Road. I have lost her contact but do a search online and you should be able to find.
I strongly recommend you to go see one, whether it works or not ultimately, you feel that you have no regret coz you truly have done something to salvage your marriage. And in fact, after a few sessions, or even just the first one, you realised and understand more about men.. their thinking and behaviour, which makes you look at them in a different perspective and hopefully appreciate them more. For me, understanding the differences between men and women were not difficult, the most difficult part is constantly being reminded the differences, thus not so easily to start a fight.
I am sure you feel better just after one or two sessions, cos then you have vented out all your frustrations and have listened by someone who can give you some concrete advice.
I know how it feels and I have been through rough patches for years too, somewhat similar to what you have described. I hope it works out well for you too. Just to get yourself prepared though, this process is going to take months and things will not get better just over night after the sessions. Be patient and hang in there, for the sake of our children.
Sth that I just searched on the website for you. Hope this helps.
The H.K. Catholic Marriage Advisory Council (Caine Road Office of the Project on Training Parish Volunteers in Conducting Pre-Marriage Course and NFP Diocesan Project) Family Service

Address: Room 502, Caritas House, 2-8, Caine Road, Hong Kong.
Tel: 2523-3128, 2523-3682
Fax: (852) 2523-3121
 
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