I think you really need extra support. It's hard to be a parent. It does take skills. It's really great that you can see that you may need more or better skills than you have right now. There are ways to learn these skills and people who can help. In the meantime, I think you need someone to come in and help you. Often we lose our tempers and resort to drastic punishments when we feel helpless or out-of-control. Do you have a helper or someone who can take care of the children for short periods of times when you're feeling stressed? I suggest that you contact all of the links that are mentioned in this thread and explain, in detail, your story--be honest about you and your husband's problems and ask for what resources and help they can offer. I'm sure you can find great professional counseling as well as parenting classes/techniques and even support to help relieve some of the stress. But, I want to really say that you're doing the right thing by reaching out for help and recognizing your parenting mistakes. If you keep working on this, you'll find better ways to parent your children and that will make their lives healthier and make you also happier and more confident as a parent.
Mental problem / child abuse
- Thread starter sparkeye
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While you can debate whether yelling / hitting furniture is abuse, caning a 3-year-old is definitely abuse. If you are caning her, and your husband is caning her, then you are both abusing her. If your husband is engaging in even more "rough" treatment (rougher than caning?) I don't want to think what this little girl is going through.
Stop the abuse immediately. It does no good, and a 3-year-old doesn't understand anyway. All she knows is pain and terror, which is why she's waking up with nightmares. You would, too, if someone was beating you for no reason that you could comprehend.
Seek help and be honest about the fact that you are caning your child. If you feel you cannot stop the abuse, find a helper or Social Services or someone to intervene -- you might just need a break from your child. The above posters have been super helpful in giving you links.
While it's not always easy, remember that you are supposed to enjoy your child. Some Asian families think of children simply as things they need to discipline or problems that need to be solved. Don't forget to smile at her, play with her, soothe her when she's upset. Remember that she's still very small and not in control of herself -- they can't help but to cry and "be bad" sometimes.
Good luck. I'm not trying to be hard on your, but the caning must stop.
As for inherited family mental problems -- well, I wouldn't worry about something that may or may not happen 20 years from now. There are people with mental problems in my family, and their kids are totally fine. It sounds like you have a more immediate problem you need to solve -- which is your own and your husband's behavior.
Stop the abuse immediately. It does no good, and a 3-year-old doesn't understand anyway. All she knows is pain and terror, which is why she's waking up with nightmares. You would, too, if someone was beating you for no reason that you could comprehend.
Seek help and be honest about the fact that you are caning your child. If you feel you cannot stop the abuse, find a helper or Social Services or someone to intervene -- you might just need a break from your child. The above posters have been super helpful in giving you links.
While it's not always easy, remember that you are supposed to enjoy your child. Some Asian families think of children simply as things they need to discipline or problems that need to be solved. Don't forget to smile at her, play with her, soothe her when she's upset. Remember that she's still very small and not in control of herself -- they can't help but to cry and "be bad" sometimes.
Good luck. I'm not trying to be hard on your, but the caning must stop.
As for inherited family mental problems -- well, I wouldn't worry about something that may or may not happen 20 years from now. There are people with mental problems in my family, and their kids are totally fine. It sounds like you have a more immediate problem you need to solve -- which is your own and your husband's behavior.
erina320
Registered User
I second this!
Again I agree with Gracey here. How can you expect a 3 year old to be in control of her emotions/ fear/ behavior when you and your husband are yourselves not in control?
Cannot emphasizes this more!! It's frightening and appalling that this little girl is being subjected to this sort of punishment by her parents!
TheQuasimother
Registered User
If you use the cane as a threatening tool, it isn't child abuse.
In fact, if you cane her without leaving a mark, it still isn't child abuse.
It is when it leaves a mark that it constitutes child abuse.
The Social Welfare department would probably advise you the same. As culturally, it is a very common device used to discipline children in this part of the world. This is what I've been told as we do get kids at school who have been caned by their parents.
It's double standards for you to use the cane on your child and not allow your husband to yell at her and bang on the table AND call it abuse! To most of us, what you've done is abuse too. So technically, if you report him, you should turn yourself in.
Perhaps, try another method together? At least one of you should be the 'good gentle person'. She's so afraid of the both of you it seems, NOT just one.
In fact, if you cane her without leaving a mark, it still isn't child abuse.
It is when it leaves a mark that it constitutes child abuse.
The Social Welfare department would probably advise you the same. As culturally, it is a very common device used to discipline children in this part of the world. This is what I've been told as we do get kids at school who have been caned by their parents.
It's double standards for you to use the cane on your child and not allow your husband to yell at her and bang on the table AND call it abuse! To most of us, what you've done is abuse too. So technically, if you report him, you should turn yourself in.
Perhaps, try another method together? At least one of you should be the 'good gentle person'. She's so afraid of the both of you it seems, NOT just one.
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