Mental problem / child abuse

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sparkeye

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Hi , I'm a mother of 2 child( 3 and 1 year old) recently( past few months) I noticed their father is behaving too rough to them especially on my elder child. He will shout and bang on anything just to make them stop crying.
She start to cry most of the nights in the middle of sleep of which I think she was dreaming.
 
His family has background having mental issue. His mom is on long term medication and his sister just admitted due to depression.
My question is should I report this as child abuse and where is the best way I should be doing this.
I live my child and I do not want them to inherit this. Please help as I do not have family here in hkg.
 
When you say "their father", do you mean your husband/partner? Are you still together with the father of these children? If you two are already separated, there may be some way you can limit the time he spends with them or make sure they're always supervised. Otherwise, if you're still together and he has custody of the children then you may need to seek legal advice on this matter. Does he recognize/admit that his family has a history of mental illness? Has he been screened or diagnosed with mental illness himself? Is he open to seeing a therapist/doctor? There are a lot of questions to think about. What is the nature of his behavior toward the children? You said he yells at them and hits things--has he ever physically hurt them (shake them, hit them etc.)?

If you feel threatened or feel that your children are not safe you need to take this matter seriously. You can contact this department. Be careful and do so secretly because this is safest for you and your children. For free legal (lawyer) help you can contact this department in your area.

Be careful.
 
your post merely says he "bangs on anything" and shouts.... that is not child abuse. of course, this depends on what he is shouting... and what he is banging on...

you say nothing about what he is saying when he shouts (could be emotional abuse) or what he is banging. if he bangs on a table... that is not child abuse. if he bangs on the child... that could be child abuse.

you really need to share more details. also, knowing how old your children are might help.
 
as for inheriting mental illness... inheriting something means you are born with it... in which case, your children will have already inherited it (if it is something that can be passed down).

if you don't want your children to learn this behaviour, then the only way for them not to learn it is to remove them from the situation.
 
Even if he is "just" banging on furniture, it could still be abuse. There is such a thing as emotional or verbal abuse. As the children are only 1 and 3 years old, deliberately and repeatedly screaming at them, making violent motions (like hitting or throwing furniture), etc., can do as much harm as a spanking. I once saw a Chinese father swing a fist at a small child, then at the last minute swerve to hit the wall behind the child. No, he didn't actually beat the child, but it was enough to cause terror.

Sparkeye -- If you are concerned about abuse, I would trust your maternal instincts. Whether or not it is technically abuse, screaming and banging on things is the WORST way to get a child to stop crying. If anything, it causes even more crying. If the child is having nightmare, it will result in more crying at night.

I don't know how messed up this father is. If he is reasonable and well-intentioned, maybe sit down and talk to him, explaining that yelling and screaming does more harm than good.

Some dads just don't know how to deal with small children. Even my husband, who is absolutely wonderful, lost his temper once during a particularly bad crying spell when our baby was a newborn. (This is not an exact comparison, as he is not abusive at all). But it's sometimes hard for guys to stay calm and quiet when they are aggitated, even if they don't have ill will.

I also know another guy -- a loving father -- who couldn't cope that his 1-year-old suddenly started waking up at night. He believed in some Chinese superstition that she was "haunted by spirits" and wanted to "beat it out of her." Thankfully, his wife intervened.

I don't think you should worry about long-term inherited mental problems. That's a long way away. What's important is that you keep your children safe and free from terror right now. One and 3 are too little to be treated that way.
 
gracey, i was physically and emotionally abused as a child. i do not need to be told what constitutes abuse.

as the children are so young, i agree that he seems a little over the top. she never said he was throwing furniture. she said he banged on something. that could simply mean that the kids are making so much noise the only way to be heard is to bang/make a loud sound (like whistle) in order to get their attention.

i also have a daughter who sleep walks/talks and has night terrors on a regular basis. sometimes i have to bang on something in order to wake her up. and, yes, it does often cause more crying. but that is because she is suddenly woken up and doesn't know why her teddy is in the toilet and she is crying her eyes out... HOWEVER, once she is awake, i can then comfort her. when she is asleep and crying (you can't tell unless you've experienced it... her eyes are wide open and you would think she is awake) it is impossible to comfort her at all.

to say that he bangs on something and equate it with child abuse, i think is a huge disservice to those who truly suffer from child abuse.

*** please do not think i am saying he is not abusing his child. what i am saying is that unless we are there and can see exactly what is happening, it is unfair to call this behaviour abusive.***
 
Cara -- I'm not sure why you're jumping on me. My comment was not meant for you at all. It was meant for the original poster.
My point (for her) is that she doesn't have to wait for her children to actually be hit to seek help.
Banging and yelling could be abuse -- or not. We don't know since none of us are there. But if she's concerned about something as serious as abuse, and mental instability in the other parent, she should get help immediately, instead of waiting for someone to get hurt.
I don't know if the poster is Asian or not, but I've seen Asian families play down abuse just because the child is not "beaten and bruised."
 
sorry, gracey... as can be expected, child abuse can be a touchy subject, especially for those who have suffered it...

ps> i've been in a really bad mood today, sorry if i took it out on you...
 
No problem, Cara. I'm sorry about your past. I imagine it's not easy for those who have been through it.
A happy, healthy new year to you and your family!
 
I think before reporting it as child abuse, I'd get some advice about whether this actually constitutes child abuse from professionals and what can be done (and the approach would differ depending on whether you and your kids live with your husband or not - it's not clear from your post). You said this behaviour started only lately - it could be a result of stress at work and maybe counselling would help. And as Gracey said, there are some people who are just not prepared for the sheer noise children make and the energy required to care for them...and some cultures condone that kind of behaviour. So they need to be made aware that their behaviour is wrong and unproductive but may not be as drastic as classifying it as mental problems (again, I think only professionals can diagnose mental problems).

Apart from the links Thanka2 mentioned, you could try this NGO called Against Child Abuse (http://www.aca.org.hk/) to get some guidance on how to approach your situation.
 
charade said:
I think before reporting it as child abuse, I'd get some advice about whether this actually constitutes child abuse from professionals and what can be done (and the approach would differ depending on whether you and your kids live with your husband or not - it's not clear from your post). You said this behaviour started only lately - it could be a result of stress at work and maybe counselling would help. And as Gracey said, there are some people who are just not prepared for the sheer noise children make and the energy required to care for them...and some cultures condone that kind of behaviour. So they need to be made aware that their behaviour is wrong and unproductive but may not be as drastic as classifying it as mental problems (again, I think only professionals can diagnose mental problems).

Apart from the links Thanka2 mentioned, you could try this NGO called Against Child Abuse (http://www.aca.org.hk/) to get some guidance on how to approach your situation.
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I think that it needs to be added that no one is saying that this isn't a big deal. If you have a gut feeling that something is not right, it's best to remove yourself and your children from the situation at least until you can find some help. If you feel unsafe and feel it is unsafe for your children, you have every right as a mother to make it a safe situation. Not every person is open to counseling but your priority is to keep yourself and your children away from harm--physical, emotional and mental. Please do seek professional help and advice. Hoping for the best for you and your children.
 
sparkeye said:
Hi , I'm a mother of 2 child( 3 and 1 year old) recently( past few months) I noticed their father is behaving too rough to them especially on my elder child. He will shout and bang on anything just to make them stop crying.
She start to cry most of the nights in the middle of sleep of which I think she was dreaming.
Click to expand...

Is there any reason why you cannot or have not voiced your concerns to him and asked him to alter his behavior? My husband has done some things that I'm not fond of around our child and I have been very upfront with him about it and asked him to stop - although in my case I am certain there is no physical danger or 'mental problem' involved - just a frustrated guy who doesn't know how to cope with a situation. With the limited information you have provided it is difficult to say whether or not there is abuse or a mental problem (lots of fathers shout at kids, athough I am NOT saying it is right, okay or good, it is not an uncommon issue) athough in any event it doesn't sound like good parenting and something should be changed.

Others have noted some very good resources with following up with and also if you feel as though there is an immediate danger would just remove yourself and the children from the situation.
 
Thank you all for the details comments and links. In fact I've been browsing for the same.
We are still together under same roof and just that his family and relative is having such history and he has been really rough to my child and that is why I started to worry.

All of the above comments reminds me of myself too.
In fact both of us r not good parent with good parenting skill. skills.
 
Both us will use cane when she does not listen to us especially we will use the same way to make her stop crying. I'm referring to my 3 years old girl. This could the same reason why she cry every night while she was sleeping In The middle of the night.

Please advise how to handle this
 
sparkeye said:
Both us will use cane when she does not listen to us....Please advise how to handle this
Click to expand...

1) Stop caning the child
2) Since mental health issues seem to be prevalent in your family, contact social services for best advice and direction:
http://www.hkspc.org
3) If you have difficulty with 1&2 please send me a PM with your name and address - I'd be happy to get the right government departments involved to help you thru this difficult situation.
 
I agree with Howard. Stop the caning NOW.It is a form of physical punishment (hitting) that has detrimental effects. There are more effective ways to make your child stop crying than hitting.

Here is a link that shows why kids have tantrums & more importantly,
"stop the crying" techniques.

http://www.becomingtheparent.com/subsections1/question18.html

Please seek immediate help from the links indicated by other posters above. T
 
For one I would stop using the cane...then I would give more positive experiences for your child so she can slowly erase the bad experiences from her mind and start to sleep better. Perhaps you might co-sleep with her so that she feels safe and sleep better at night time.

I have a 3GS old too...and yes, there are times when things get hard..especially when she starts crying non stop...my girl did that numerous times today! Annoying! What I did was just take her to quiet spot to let her calm down...she would cry for 2-3mins and then when she is starting to calm down, I talk to her calmly and ask her what she wants...if she cannot express, them I ask her specific questions such as "do you want to eat bread?" etc so she can respond. Sometimes when kids cannot express what they want they will become desperate and act badly because you don't understand them.

You need to be patient and listen to your child. Even if they Are bad you need to try to understand why they bad...hitting will make them hurt and that will lead to more crying, a vicious circle...nit what you want. Step back if you are about to hit and then on,y return when you are calm down. I am sure if you ask, people here will give you many ideas of what they do when their kids are bad...some of which you might find useful.
 
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