kid being bullied at school

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sandy0741

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Just want to ask what would you do if your son in kindergarten was bullied by a kid, today I called my son to ask how he was at school , he is in K2 now. The first thing he told me is that he was hit by his classmate and he cried. So I called his class teacher to ask about it and she told me the student who hit him was a new student and was a bit naughty. So I told her to change his seat so that he is not sitting with that student again.
Is it normal or did I overreact, I still feel a little bit uncomfortable about this incident. The class has 20 students and 2 teachers to look after them, so I am not sure what is still happening in the class and not comfortable if the teacher can really handle so many students.
 
i can totally understand how you feel. my son is 2.5 years old and is able to tell me about his day at school. just awhile ago, when he started to go off to playschool by himeslf, he would tell me, at night, events of how he was pushed around by other children/ knocked over. scrapped his knee/ swung around by bigger boys/ toys or food being snatched away from him. with each of these incidents, in the beginning, i checked with his teacher and they were true. i checked because i wanted to know if that was a fiction of his imagination or it was something real. anyway, it's real. and i pulled myself back from doing anything further.

instead after thinking about it, i told him it is wrong to push/ snatch or to hurt anybody to get what one wants. that it is also important for him to learn to tell the other kid, no thank you/ please wait your turn or ask the teacher for help if he doesnt know what to do. so far he hasnt come back with any feedback and is a happy trooper. i re checked with his teacher on his progress, and there is positive feedback.

the reason why i did not confront or instruct the teacher to do anything else, is because, i understand children do get naughty and fight. i think it is more important to teach children to stand up for themselves and be given a chance to sought it out amongst themselves, unless there is serious bodily harm or something that is recurrent from a particular person, which he honestly cannot handle.

this is just a personal take though. i hope all works out well for your little one. take care!
 
Same with my son, who has been bitten by the same kid, two times... first time the teacher just told me and said that they talked to the other kid, second time she wrote a note in the communication book of the kid's mum and called her about this problem. It never happened again.
It seems the teacher are aware and can see which kids are doing what, and are able to handle it. It's just the beginning of the year, so if anything should happen again and again I'm sure they will inform the parents. Also, as Pixelelf said, the kids easily talk about it, it might be different if they were older.
I think at this age many kids are adjusting, some know already that they shouldn't hit/bite/scratch etc... some others still have to learn.
 
It's a tough situation to be in. I think that as long as you feel the school are dealing with it then I would just let them handle it for now but if you are not confident that they are doing anything then I would step in.

The only thing that would concern me is that you had to call the school to ask about it. If somebody had hit my child hard enough that he cried I think I would like to know and also if my son had hit another child I would definitely want to know about it. The teacher has told you that this child is being naughty - I wonder are they telling the child's parents?
 
I think the best way is to teach your child the following:
1) If another child hits/ bites/ snatches toys or food then tell him/ her "Stop it, don't do that". If the hitting/ biting continues then run towards the teacher/ nearest adult.
2) Go tell the teacher or nearest adult about what happened.
3) Come home and tell mummy about what happened.
4) Call the teacher periodically to check on the situation with this other child.
 
Thanks all for your reply, I told my son again that he did a very good job of telling me what happened in school and reminded him again to tell the teacher if it happens again, but he is a bit shy so I don't think he will be doing it. The teacher I called said she asked the kid to apologize but she didn't tell her parents about it, I will see if the situation improves and will call the teacher again to check.
I just hope he will have a happy school life and won't wake up and tell me he doesn't want to go to school, which he was doing for the first few days.
 
I don't think one incident means your son is being bullied. I don't have boys, but some do seem to be a bit rough and tumble. Probably not targeted at your son in particular, but part of usual small boy behaviour.

I think you did the right think by speaking to the teacher about it and it sounds like she has dealt with it appropriately.

I also think a ration of 1 teacher: 10 students in K2 is reasonable and it is the same in my daughter's class. I couldn't personally handle 10 pre-schoolers at once, but teachers have talents I don't.
 
Hi everyone,

Again bullying, my son's class teacher called me today that my son was hit by his classmate (another one) and she handled it, which I think was fine, but the bad news was my son came home and didn't stop crying. He has even got a fever, is it normal? He keeps on telling his aunt he's scared, so what should be done, should I talk to his class teacher again and what should I say?
 
if he's got a fever, then he's sick. you can't get a fever from being afraid of from being bullied.

sounds to me like your son needs some confidence. maybe try enrolling him in some martial arts classes, not to teach him how to fight but to teach him that he CAN stand up for himself if he needs to...

right now, it sounds to me as if he would have the same probelms no matter which school he goes to.
 
Just checked with the class teacher and she said he was hit by the same student who like to hit others, well, my son had already informed his teacher when he was hit by him so I think he did stand for himself ( something he has improved on) maybe he picked up some flu from the school. Talking about the kid, it just seems to me that the teacher has received so many complaints about him that she does not know what is the best way to tackle that kid. Hopefully she will find out.
 
There is only so much the teacher can do. A lot of it has to do with the parents.

My son and his classmates had to deal with a boy like that. He was bigger than everyone else. When I asked other parents around, I got a very surprising answer. We taught our son not to hit, push, shove or bite. Essentially to be nice.

But other parents told us that when they've told their kids that if someone shoves or push, shove back or push back if the person doesn't stop. These are boys. And, so we've decided that and we've told him that after two chances and the teacher has been told, to shove back! All the kids we know that he goes to school with does this (i checked with their parents) and are now are 'equal footing'. So the boy in question got the message and stopped.

I don't think it's the perfect or P.C. solution but he does have to deal with bigger playground politics at Big Boy School - Primary School. And we want him to learn to fight his own battles as fairly as possible. I don't want him to run crying to mummy all the time but in our experience, it makes bullying worse later.
 
Obviously your teaching training and years of experience taught you nothing about dealing with bullies, the victims or the bystanders.

Read this:
Sullivan. K., Cleary, M., & Sullivan, G. Bullying in Secondary Schools - What it looks like and how to manage it. Corwin Press, 2004. (OK, not primary school based, but it talks about younger students as well)
OR
Search for a report called 'Sticks and Stones' - a UK publication.
OR
Look at any of the policies coming out of the UK, Australia, Canada etc etc about bullying. The approach you are advocating wouldn't get a look in, because it can only escalate rather than calm a situation and none of the research backs it up.

Sorry to be hard worded - but you've made your thoughts pretty clear about how teachers should be trained, yet what you're talking about goes against anything that a teacher would be 'trained' how to do. You can't have it both ways.
 
Quasimother,
I feel I need to second what Happy V has said. What you and the parents are advocating will only escalate any inappropriate behaviour and has a negative affect on what the teacher (who should be trained to deal with such situations) will be trying to do. There are hoards of research reports out there and as far as I know, none would recommend treating agression with agression. Teaching children how express themselves in a calm yet assertive manner (rather than being either either passive or agressive), although it is not a 'quick fix' solution is an invaulable tool for later life.
 
HappyV said:
Obviously your teaching training and years of experience taught you nothing about dealing with bullies, the victims or the bystanders.

Sorry to be hard worded - but you've made your thoughts pretty clear about how teachers should be trained, yet what you're talking about goes against anything that a teacher would be 'trained' how to do. You can't have it both ways.
Click to expand...

Hi HappyV, sorry... but i must have touched a raw nerve with you. I never claimed to be the perfect teacher. I have not taught in schools where bullying is rampant... NEVER. So, yes, my teacher training is limited to teaching motivated kids from impoverished neighbourhoods and motivated kids from middle income/upper income families.

Teachers are divided into working groups. There is so much classroom management a teacher can engage in. A lot of it has to do with how parents engage in the situation to.

If you are a teacher, you'd know that it's not just the teacher. In a classroom of 44, in my child's case 24 and when all the boy's parents are doing the same, you're walking against the wind. And, if you were a teacher, you'd know that in high school, there a team that deals with this. In all schools I've worked for, this is the case. Teachers in a busy classroom have limitations.

I am remarking as a parent not as a teacher. Please make an effort to make a distinction between the two.


Incidentally, you are aware that I'm a high school teacher right? And in high school, we deal with such cases differently.

Raw nerve eh HappyV.... in my classroom I'm a teacher but when it comes to my child, I'm a parent like any other. Like any other parent, I don't want my child to be bullied. We did try. But when 11 other parents are doing just that, I am not going to work against the odds. I've made it clear that my solution is not the PC solution i.e. the perfect solution. I made my decision as a parent when I consulted the other parents and after consulting his school teacher. I reacted as a parent NOT a teacher. It isn't my classroom to manage. If the parents had given me a different answer, I'd kept to our initially approach. [/SIZE]

We do teach our child not to hit. Our first rule is Be Nice. It still is. But I do know that the big burly kindie kid has stopped bullying the other children. And, the boys in that class all rough house. Sometimes, it's my child, sometimes it's another. But they all do! It's a kindie.

Are you able to now make a distinction when I make a remark? Should I always need to say, I'm remarking as a parent vs. I'm remarking as a teacher? The topic on teacher training was about being able to teach, not classroom management or bullying intervention. And, like i said, kindie vs. high school, VERY VERY DIFFERENT.

If my son decked someone at high school, or is decked at high school, I'd approach it totally differently both as a parent and as a teacher. We wear different shoes all the time. In your case, you don't eh? Sorry, we're all not perfect like you making clear decisions as a teacher and parent. PURRRFECT!

Like I said, my answer is not the PC answer but that was what went on in my son's school. Just my son's school. And, it's just my two cents (as a parent). Also, as a parent, I'm aware of the need to not actively participate in raising a cottonwool generation.

And, it's naive to think that a teacher would be the perfect parent. Imagine... teacher training did not make me a perfect parent. It doesn't even make a perfect teacher. It is a necessary step. Does it make sense?
 
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And oh, just to add, my reaction was after my son came home with 2 medical reports from school from being decked by the bully on top of everyday occurrences and AFTER the teacher has informed the bully's parents! My child was not the only one who came home with bruises. Other kids too. The teacher could do nothing apart from advising the child in school, held a classroom talk and talked to the parents. The worse was knowing that my child did not want to go to school because of the bully!

In our case, we saw the parent. We knew that neither the teacher nor the parent would be able to stop the situation. A teacher is helpless when dealing with absent parents i.e. parents too busy working to mind their kids and this child was mostly with the domestic helper even at important school functions. We did allow for the 'right' motions to take place but the bullying did not stop. But when the boys in the class stood up for themselves did the bullying eased.

And, incidentally, the boy is not in his class any longer, the parent pulled him out of the school after a year (to me it was obvious why - it's interview/report submitted year for primary applications).

There is no textbook solution to bullying. If trying to do the right thing did not work, what should/would/can a parent do? In our case, we did try and then finally engaged in the non-PC way (as was the way with the other parents!).
 
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Quasi, have you at all considered having a 3 way meeting with the bullying child's parents and the teacher? The school counselor would be a further step. THIS is the route an experienced teacher would take. Being a teacher empowers you to see things from the 'other side' - 'copying' what the other parents do is childish. Imagine being the parent of the bully not knowing what your child is up to at school - presuming this is the case - as no mention of the bully's parents has been made. And as you would know, kids can be completely different at school than they are at home. Being a secondary or primary teacher is irrelevant, it is built into our training ( hence the need for proper training) - hoping you did that bit.....
 
My issue is that if you teach a child to hit to resolve particular problems, then where does that grey area end?

If every other parent was having their child cheat on a test would you do the same?

As a parent and a teacher, I understand tha not every problem has a perfect solution. But as Elise pointed out, there are other ways to manage the situation. Classroom based role-play; working with bystanders; safety zones in schools. Does the school in question have a formal policy, and if not why not? If the child was such a threat, why has the school not had him removed?

I was bullied in primary school, so I am aware of the short and long term ramifications. However, I disagree that teaching a child to hit is ever a constructive solution. It may stop the behaviour in the short term, but at what cost? (It's a similar argument as is used for smacking vs. not smacking).

Try to keep your temper in check. After all, as a professionally trained teacher who is happy to lecture on professionalism and standards, you're not showing yourself in good standing, here. Disagree with me all you like: but don't lecture on what makes a good teacher and then advocate a behaviour for a student (whether he be your child or not) that would be frowned upon by every piece of peer-reviewed research over the last thirty years. As I said before, you can't have it both ways.
 
Then I concede. I am not a perfect teacher or parent.
So imagine, if I'm a trained teacher and am not perfect ... !

The teacher (and school) did not engage in a 3 way conference. I don't know why. In fact, it is not encouraged (it appears) on school grounds. There is a personal telephone list though. So it'd be something you'd have to do on your own. The school prefers to deal with us separately. And, I'm not comfortable telling teachers or schools about how to run things. In this case, I was not comfortable dealing with the parents as it was obvious that if the teacher/school couldn't do anything about it, what could I do apart from sounding like a total whinger and told to Sod Off because that's just how kids are. I have encountered such parents. This school system is notoriously known of 'If you're not happy with our policy, you can leave as our waitlist is long.' There are lots of discussions about this particular school system on another forum.

I stand by what I did. It was a decision made based on the circumstance of what the school and teacher did and open communication with other parents.

Incidentally, my husband was bullied terribly in school - the worse sort - Think shoved in the locker, having to hide in the toilet until everyone's left the school or risk getting beaten up. The school, his parents, the bully's parents could not solve the problem. So, he took up Tae-kwon-do and Karate to solve the problem. And when he could fight for himself, that was when the bullying stopped.

I don't need a speech from you about professionalism and standards. Just because you're a teacher, you should know (better)? What about what I know as a parent?

I know we are never going to agree. So I'm going to suggest that we agree to disagree.

There are lots of solutions - mine was less than ideal - I would like to stress that it is not the PC solution. I am being judged (far worse) because I am a teacher and a parent. We can't just air PC opinions/solutions. Each parent should be entitled to do what they see fit.

Look, I'm the sort of parent who would complain or write the teacher a note when he comes home with a bruise or bite and his teachers know that. I only intervene when my child says he doesn't want to go to school. Life is a tough playground. And for boys, it's even tougher. I don't want my child to be a bully - he is not. He needs to be able to stand up for himself and not run to mummy for solutions all the time.

This is the situation - 12 boys, 1 bully. 11 other parents teaching their child to push back. What would you do? Complain to the school about the other parents? Call a meeting of parents to not raise their kids that way? I merely went with the flow. I'm not a whinger. I don't have the time. I am a working mum. If you're a mum with time in your hands to deal with the other 10 parents, GREAT! I'm not one of them.

And, if I'm being judged to be less than professional, then so be it. I'm not going to lose sleep over it. I'm not raising my child to become an active member of a cottonwool generation.

Also, this is HK. There are limitations to what I can do as a parent as the waiting lists in ALL international schools are long. Try being that parent. Ring the school each time there is a problem. Try telling them that you are not happy about how they are dealing with the problem. See if the teachers are happy to write a happy report! I'm not willing to risk my child's place in primary school so that I can be a professional teacher over a parent who fits the mould.

All international schools have a section for teachers to comment on how parents of the children are. We've had to do that for several applications. The teacher's response is sealed and you will never know. What i do know is that my child's gotten into an international school without an interview. So again, apologies for being a parent first over being a teacher! I'm not cashed up and get corporate sponsorship for a school placement.
 
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