Loupou,
Despite what you may think, there are alot of women who have pursued higher education (I myself have a first and 2nd degree), worked hard at a career (was VP at a top investment bank) and yet have decided to give it up to be full time hands on parents, we didn't do it becos we didn't enjoy our work or the financial benefits that come with it, we make that big step becos we believe our children's future is just as if not more impt than our personal career development. While life is not as rosy and perfect as it should be, we work hard to try and make it that for our children, throwing up our hands and saying "such is life!" to some of us just doesn't cut it.!
Sumei,
I don't think there was anything in my post that indicated that I thought women who chose to give up their work to stay at home w/ their kids lacked advanced degrees or success in their for-pay careers.
What I was trying to say was that I love my outside the home work & think it gives a benefit to the larger community and that working to keep from starving was not the only reason a caring and loving mother (which I consider myself to be) would continue to work outside the home for pay after she became a mother.
re: discussing the past. Our social situation in the year 2007 arose from conditions in the past. Parents that I encounter now were born in the 1960s and 1970s when the economic conditions were harder. Many people grew up w/ parents who thought "If I can put food on the table, buy them new clothes, and send them to school, I'm a good parent".
We parent from what we experienced as children ourselves. I think one parenting book I read referred to this a "the ghosts in the nursery". Many people in HK today did not have the kind of loving and involved parenting that we on this forum consider ideal. So, how can they know better? I am not trying to excuse them completely, but try and see where they are coming from.
I am not as perfect parent as I could be. It is because of ignorance (I lack perfect knowledge); because of negligence (sometimes I forget to do things); and through my own deliberate fault (sometimes I just want to read the newspaper on a Saturday morning and let the kids watch a video instead of playing Mastermind or Chess or something).
Since I am aware (too aware?) of my own short-comings and what causes them, I try to have compassion for other parents who may not be in such a fortunate position as myself. I then try to use that compassionate knowledge to think how I can alter the situation.
It's like when I teach Sunday school. So many of the other SS teachers want silence, discipline, etc. because they think "school" and what they know of school involves straight lines of kids sitting at desks quietly and listening as a teacher drones on. I try and use more interactive ways, get the kids to sit w/ me in a circle, share their ideas and opinions, etc. These are things that I was lucky enough to experience in my schooling in No. Am. in the 1970s. It would be wrong of me to think harshly of my co-teachers, they do not know anything different. Instead, I try and lead by example and gentle suggestion and hope that something rubs off.
I am also not suggesting that we "throw up our hands and say such is life". Instead, I was trying to say that:
1) There are problems w/ people treating domestic helpers unfairly
2) There are problems w/ children being neglected and/or spoiled by parents
3) These two problems may sometimes be related and sometimes not.
4) Rather than eying other parents and children and casting harsh mental judgment on them and venting in our online forum, it would be productive to take this conversation forward and consider what we could do as individuals or as members of a community to try and rectify the problems.
Possible solutions???? (I'm just brainstorming here... I hope that other forum posters will add to the list or discuss them)
?) Figure out how to speak to mothers and fathers that we think may be in danger of neglecting their kids and help them improve on their parenting. This is very hard to do in a loving way and one must always look for teachable moments.
- I remember one time when my eldest was in kindie & another mom was giving me a lift after dropping off the kids and we were discussing discipline and she mentioned she hit her kid w/ a ruler. I let that sink in for a while and said that I thought it was too harsh and talked about what I did to discipline my kid in a non-violent way. I don't know if that helped or not.
When some women I know are pregnant or parents have new babies, I always encourage them to breastfeed and/or do the night-time parenting themselves, because that way closeness develops between them and the children.
Chat and share our experiences w/ other mums about how we care for our kids and how rewarding it can be to spend lots of good time w/ them.
When we see children in the playground or other places who are not behaving nicely, get involved and try and get them to behave better (like one would to a niece or nephew). I found that by playing w/ these "neglected" kids along w/ my own, I could help to teach them more acceptable behavior and also model loving kindness and involved parenting. So maybe, when these kids grow up, they might think "I want to be a mother or father like Mrs. X".?
?) Express disapproval when anyone mentions working their domestic helper too hard, underpaying them, etc. etc. Make this sort of behavior socially unacceptable?
?) Give time or money to organizations that work to help domestic helpers w/ unfair or abusive employers?
?) Find out what NGOs work on parenting issues and try and help?
?) Find out if the PTA or other parent group at your kid's school or local school have parenting workshops?
?) Try and organize "good parenting" talks or workshops in our housing
estates or apartment buildings or neighborhoods?
?) Discuss w/ other members on this forum what we can do to make a difference.
