How helpful is the daddy in taking care of your baby?

Well... my husband knows how to change diapers, give some medicines, feed our son, push/fold a pram, hold our baby, give him a bottle at the right temperature, give him a bath and put the right clothes, teatches him new words and behaviours, and when he comes after work he will play with him during an hour while I'm busy cooking and others... and during the week end I nearly have to fight to spend 10 minutes with my son because his father is always around him !! :-)
 
my husband is great with our kids. when they were at the baby stage he was very involved in feedings and nappy changing, now that they are older, he packs them up, settles them into carseats, attends every parent teacher meeting, when we come home from outings, one of us will prepare a quick meal and the other will bathe. he sees parenting as a 50-50 responsibility. i often wish my MIL were still alive so i could thank her for the great father and support to me my dh is. i never knew he would be, and i never thanked her.
 
that's so lucky of you all. My husband never takes the initiative to help. He can do some of the works mentioned in your posts, but just that I have to ask him to do it. It is very tiring. He never takes the initiative to play with our son. Again, I have to push him/make him to do so. He enjoys TV more than spending time with our son. Every weekends I have to think about places to go with our son. Otherwise if I let him make the decision, he will simply opt for staying home. Man, I am really sick and tired of this man. My MIL is still alive. I guess I really have to "thank" her then.
So, those with a great hubby who is a great dad as well, good for you, and I really envy you all.
 
I have to brag a bit on my husband. The night my son was born he had never held a baby before in his life. He "caught" my son when he was coming out and after they had washed him off a bit he asked the nurse, "Can you teach me how to hold him? I don't know how." She replied, "You'll learn your own style." And he sure has! On our plane ride back to HK with our son several stewardesses on different flights commented to me, "Wow, he is such a good daddy! He is so good with your baby!" Up until this point I hadn't really taken time to notice. In Hong Kong we've had people stop us on the street (especially when my son was younger) and one even said, "I am a father and I have never seen a dad who really knew what he was doing like you do" to my husband. What a compliment! So, now my husband really takes iniative. Over Easter we had holiday and he got up with my son in the morning every day and let me sleep in! It was awesome! I always defer diaper changing duty to him because he has it down to a science--he can change my toddler son's poopy diaper with the baby laying on his lap on a bumpy moving bus without making a mess and in record time! He feeds our son, puts him to bed, gives him a bath, takes him out and teaches him to play sports, carries him on his shoulders when we're out and disciplines him well. I think he's a way better child-carer than I am!
 
I am blessed too in this respect. My husband is crazy about our daughter and everyday I see him getting more and more involved in taking care of her. He makes her laugh all the time doing funny tricks, takes her out to play on the weekends, feeds her, gives her a bath, makes her go to sleep for naps/ in the evening, changes her poop daipers even if he is all dressed up to go to work and so much more. He makes sure she is super comfortable and happy always. He is a great father in all respects and my daughter is very attached to her daddy and showers great affection on him.
Hunter, I suggest you have a serious chat about this to your husband. I would if I were you :)
 
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Hunter,

I think with our husbands there are many variables that influence how helpful they are. Some new daddys just don't know what to do, for whatever reason and it doesn't mean that they don't love or care about their baby. I think it's just that they are uncomfortable with a baby and lack the maternal instinct that most moms have naturally. Because of this, it is easier for them to ignore the baby or let mom do all the work. Some other variables are if they have ever been around children before they had their own and what there family dynamics were when they were raised. I don't necessary think that because your husband doesn't take initiative with the baby means that he doesn't want to be with the baby, maybe it is because he is uncomfortable with him and doesn't know what to do? I also don't think that you are alone. I think that there are a lot of mothers out there that often get frustrated with daddy's lack of help. The important thing is to communicate with your husband on how you're feeling and also how he is feeling. Work together to make things better. I know it's hard and very overwhemling sometimes, but the more you communicate, the easier it becomes. :smile:
 
my hubby is absolutely AWESOME! the ONLY place that i could fault him is in the area of discipline. he wants to do it, has watched innumerable episodes of supernanny, but he has a terrible time implementing what he knows in his head he should do.

i think that i really lucked out with my hubby....he's SOOOOO into being a dad. he's refused to get a "real job" and instead work from home so that he can be around the kids more.
 
hunter, i think our husband learns to be dad from watching their own dads. of course, there are exceptions. i think maybe try to compliment him on whatever he did with the baby, then he'll like the feeling of being a capable dad & he'll initiate more. another thing is, as new moms, we tend to have a way of doing things "our way", so when our husband do it another way, we will criticize or comment, which in the end will discouraging them from participating. I'm not saying that you are doing that, it's just a possibility.
 
I have tried basically everything: talk to him, compliment him, but not working. He is just not a daddy type. It's shameful to tell you all that, to get married with him is the biggest regret of my life. Personally I like babies very much, but with this guy, one is just enough.

I just don't understand why a man can be so passive. Why doesn't he wanna play with his son? How can he be so so so selfish (whenever he gets home from work, he has to watch his program and my son has to watch his cartoon in our room)? I have no chance to sleep-in during the weekend as he is the one

As a mother, I am 100% devoted to my son, and I don't feel tired though physically fatigue is really reaching its limit. but whenever I see my son's big smiles, I just forget all the physical constraints.
 
Hunter I don't think you are alone - many people have this problem. How old is your baby? Some men find it difficult to engage with their babies when they are very young and not interactive. Once the kids are a little older and develop a personality, they get more involved.

That said, it does sound like you have a problem brewing and need to find some way of addressing it. Do you have friends with young children, can you go out with them as a group and have your husband see the way the fathers interact first hand?

Ideally you need someone he respects to speak to him about making an effort, not just to bond with the baby - but also to help you more. What sort of relationship does he have with his father, can you speak to your MIL, or maybe one of his close friends who has children?
 
Hunter

Don't fret. Could he be very tired? If he has an equally demanding job, it's understandable. I work full time and i do know that when I come home sometimes, I just need some down time before I engage in an activity with my son, after the usual greetings when I return. On those days, my son goes off to the playroom or playground with his dad so that I have time to catch my second wind. By the time they've returned, I'm ready. I don't feel guilty about needing my down time.

As for regrets, I totally understand but think about how wonderful it's been having your child in your life. Take a break if you know you're about to reach your physical limit. Do you have a helper? Leave your child with the helper while you go for a cup of tea/coffee. Otherwise, meet some friends/go for a walk when he's home... even for just an hour.
 
How does he respond to your requests? Does he get mad? What are the reasons for his disinterest? I agree, that it would be helpful to talk to his mother in law. How assertive are you when you tell him what you need; do you cave in a lot when he doesn't give you what you need? It is hard to cope with, I agree. It also can be very overwhelming and I am sure you have a lot of anger towards him as you are the one doing most of the work. But, try to stay calm and figure out why he isn't helping.
 
I wonder if it also depends on what culture your husband is, or what kind of culture he was brought up in. My husband is Japanese, and I pretty much knew what was entailed before I married him.
He prefers that I don`t work, which at the moment, suits me very fine. He`s very much the ` I am man, I work for my family` kind of guy.
As for our baby, I`m just kinda glad we had a boy bc I don`t think he`d know what to do with a girl - though there`s not so many things you can do with a 3 month yr old boy anyway...
During the week, I do everything, except for the odd diaper change in the morning before he goes to work. But in the mornings he also might take the baby for a bit if he has time, or we will all lie in bed together. On the weekends, he is the Diaper King. He also bathes him, and knows all the basic things, like how to strap him in his stroller, how to dress him, etc. He might not do everything how I would, hehe, but he gets it done.
As for playing, that is the hardest. He is still finding his feet, in that respect. His best idea of playing is to bring the baby into bed with him right after the baby has had a nap. So I have to monitor sometimes and give suggestions that he might not just want to watch the baby play from the comfort of the couch, but maybe get down with him. But I think as the baby gets older, he will get more comfortable with his role in that way.
All in all, I am pretty satisfied. For any shortfall he has about baby maintenance, he makes up for with giving love to his son, whom he is in complete awe with.
But, Hunter, I also feel like I look at him totally differently since the baby was born (a whole new thread altogether), and when he pulls his weight more, I like him more, and when I am rushing around the house doing laundry, changing diaper bins, getting diaper bag ready, and he is having a beer on the sofa with the TV on, then I don`t even want to be near him. But I am the type that really lets him hear about that.
There`s no excuse for a lazy husband/father. I would really try to take control of that situation as best you can, before you either divorce him or lose your mind.
 
Hunter, have you ever just asked him point blank about why he doesn't want to be with your baby? maybie that would help start a dialogue between you two. rather than sugar coat it, just be explicit and up front about your feelings. it's obviously a problem and it's just going to get worse.
 
my husband's best friend was totally not into his son when the son was a baby. however, as someone mentioned above, as the baby got older and developed his personality, his father became more engaged. i don't think he changes any diapers or such, but he is much more involved and does play with the baby and take the baby to playgroups etc.

i agree with southside, you need to talk to your hubby, and be direct, but not complaining. if it comes across as nagging you won't get very far. a lot of the time, fathers don't understand what is involved in raising a child and taking care of a baby. they don't understand that there are a million things to do, very little sleep and even less appreciation. that is probably what you are feeling... lack of appreciation.
 
Dear Hunter,

You are not alone. My husband is very passive too. Basically whenever he reaches home he takes on a HORIZONTAL FORMAT. Which means that he basically vegetate on thye sofa watching TV. He does engage with the baby when the baby is all nice and happy but runs a mile when the baby is being stroppy or out of sorts. I understand how you feel. I also hold a full time job which is extremely demanding and of course his job is also very demanding but I am expected to know everything aboutthe baby. The worst thing is my husband likes to lisen to others and is always asking me things like why is the baby not like this or that, when he had not really participated in the actual nurturing and development of the baby. I basically think he is a 'good time' dad. Then again he is good at baby proofing the house, I presume this is his own way of engaging with the baby. As he is a very traditional local guy, I think he is very emotionally undeveloped and basically the feminist movement does not exist for him!
 
Thanks a million mommies. I am surprised to have received such an overwhelming response for this topic. Really thankful for all the advice and sharings.

it's kinda late now, will comment more tomorrow. good nite, my friends.
 
no. I haven't, southside 852.

He is now supporting the family solely, and he is stressful I know that. I guess at the moment, I should not make his life more miserable.

I just hope to get back to the workforce asap to sustain life.

sorry to have somewhat "downgraded" this site, as all seem to be very well-off families.
 
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