how do you handle parents who love to brag?
- Thread starter reei
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carang
Registered User
i think it depends on your relationship with the person in question. i have a very good friend and we don't "compare" kids, rather we talk about where each child is at (our first two kids are 2 months apart and our second 2 are 8 days apart). we discuss how to handle certain behaviours and such.
it is impossible NOT to compare children sometimes. it doesn't mean, necessarily, that they are "putting down" your child....
if you look on this site, a lot of people are asking questions. we ALL answer according to our own experiences with our own children. in a way, that IS comparing. it doesn't make what mine does correct or right and what yours done is incorrect or that mine is brighter than yours it is merely stating the accomplishments of the child.
for example:
the friend mentioned above... her daughter HATES doing "homework" and anything to do with writing... whereas my son LOVES it! it is difficult for me to tear him away from it sometimes (REALLY!).... BUT my son is just begining to figure out the whole "reading" thing... while her daughter is already on "step 7" or something along those lines...
do you see what i'm trying to say? i don't know how to explain it clearly... i'm hoping you can piece it together from my feeble attempts...
it is impossible NOT to compare children sometimes. it doesn't mean, necessarily, that they are "putting down" your child....
if you look on this site, a lot of people are asking questions. we ALL answer according to our own experiences with our own children. in a way, that IS comparing. it doesn't make what mine does correct or right and what yours done is incorrect or that mine is brighter than yours it is merely stating the accomplishments of the child.
for example:
the friend mentioned above... her daughter HATES doing "homework" and anything to do with writing... whereas my son LOVES it! it is difficult for me to tear him away from it sometimes (REALLY!).... BUT my son is just begining to figure out the whole "reading" thing... while her daughter is already on "step 7" or something along those lines...
do you see what i'm trying to say? i don't know how to explain it clearly... i'm hoping you can piece it together from my feeble attempts...
nicolejoy
Registered User
I think for the most part, I try to ignore it. I know that as parents, our kids are the most important little people in the world, and we all "secretly" think they're the best, cutest, etc... I do think that especially when they are younger, it's hard NOT to compare... even things like "When did X get his teeth? My baby has 5 already." Or "My child just started walking. Has your child started walking yet?"
I think that my advice is,
a) ignore it, like I said before
b) try to understand that they are just proud parents and probably don't know that they're coming across as bragging
And I agree with Carang too, that's kind of what I'm trying to say as well...
I know that sometimes I have to really think about what I'm saying and how I'm saying it - and I try to think about other people's feelings too... and if they say something like "Oh your baby is so good at X", I try to always respond with "Yes, but she's not so good at Y, and your baby is great at Y" - because ALL babies are just as special as each other. No matter when they walk/talk/sleep through the night etc... and most of the differences aren't because one bub is "better" or "smarter" or "more well behaved" - it's just their little personalities that makes them do things differently.
I think that my advice is,
a) ignore it, like I said before
b) try to understand that they are just proud parents and probably don't know that they're coming across as bragging
And I agree with Carang too, that's kind of what I'm trying to say as well...
I know that sometimes I have to really think about what I'm saying and how I'm saying it - and I try to think about other people's feelings too... and if they say something like "Oh your baby is so good at X", I try to always respond with "Yes, but she's not so good at Y, and your baby is great at Y" - because ALL babies are just as special as each other. No matter when they walk/talk/sleep through the night etc... and most of the differences aren't because one bub is "better" or "smarter" or "more well behaved" - it's just their little personalities that makes them do things differently.
Know a mom who is very competitive, and always sings praises regarding her daughter: ie: She can add to XX number how about your son, my daughter handwriting is very beautiful how about your. . . , my daughter is in the speech competition what about your. . . . well you get the idea. She loves to compete and incessantly compares her daughter to my son.
Every time she does that I just smile and say "really, how great for you!! but my son isn't into that" or "wow, your daughter is really smart, my son doesn't care for it" etc. and you know what I think it's kind of effective in shutting her up. . .coz it's no fun to "compete" with someone who doesn't give a flip about your game!!
Now both our kids are in primary school and this may sound mean and vindictive, but I'm gonna say it anyway, when it was time for them to choose a primary school, she interviewed her daughter to tons of schools, almost every weekend she would say "my XXX is interviewing with DBS, St. Paul, Marymount, etc., etc., etc.) and guess what none of the "great schools" or not so great school accepted her daughter anyway. So what did all that bragging amount to?? In my opinion. . . egg in the face!!
She has to "settle" to the same school as my son!
SO morale of the story. . . don't let these types of moms drag you down. . .let their mouth shoot off, and in the end they will shoot themselves in the foot.
Every time she does that I just smile and say "really, how great for you!! but my son isn't into that" or "wow, your daughter is really smart, my son doesn't care for it" etc. and you know what I think it's kind of effective in shutting her up. . .coz it's no fun to "compete" with someone who doesn't give a flip about your game!!
Now both our kids are in primary school and this may sound mean and vindictive, but I'm gonna say it anyway, when it was time for them to choose a primary school, she interviewed her daughter to tons of schools, almost every weekend she would say "my XXX is interviewing with DBS, St. Paul, Marymount, etc., etc., etc.) and guess what none of the "great schools" or not so great school accepted her daughter anyway. So what did all that bragging amount to?? In my opinion. . . egg in the face!!
She has to "settle" to the same school as my son!SO morale of the story. . . don't let these types of moms drag you down. . .let their mouth shoot off, and in the end they will shoot themselves in the foot.
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Ignore it and feel sorry for the kids who will be raised with the expectation that they must excel at everything. Imagine the pressure they will feel as they grow up. And really, parental bragging is really the parent saying 'look at me, look at how good I am, I raised such a wonderful/smart/ good looking etc child.' We all do it at some point but some people do it a lot more than others!
carang
Registered User
there's also a difference between having a discussion about children's development and how your child "measures" up...
for example: my daughter spoke much more and much earlier than my son... i have been amazed at her vocabulary at such a young age. by the age of 2 she know hundreds of words and could speak in full sentences.
that is not bragging. it is a fact. however, if i said:
my daughter is amazing... she knows so many words and can tell me exactly what she wants. i never have to guess. it is wonderful... i see your child isn't the same way... too bad!
the feelings that you generate hearing that may be very different compared to the first one.
for example: my daughter spoke much more and much earlier than my son... i have been amazed at her vocabulary at such a young age. by the age of 2 she know hundreds of words and could speak in full sentences.
that is not bragging. it is a fact. however, if i said:
my daughter is amazing... she knows so many words and can tell me exactly what she wants. i never have to guess. it is wonderful... i see your child isn't the same way... too bad!
the feelings that you generate hearing that may be very different compared to the first one.
To play devil's advocate, I would say, Yes and No. I mean, why do you need to tell people about your girl's vocab in the first place ? I'm sure if she's that smart people will notice it. Pointing it out merely ends up making other people feel like you are putting their child down.
I think it's ok to say something like, my daughter talked early, or has great vocab but to go so far as to say 'my daughter knows hundreds of words and could speak in full sentences at 2' to me just comes across as bragging.
fennho
Registered User
i agree with carang about HOW you said it, the choice of words and the tone. But if it's simply a conversation between 2 mothers discussing the development of our babies, then i'm totally fine with it. In fact, being Asian myself, last time i used to smile and just downplayed my DD's devt and praise the other, but i read that it's actually bad for your little one (esp at my girl's age - 22mths) as she's beginning to understand the things i said...downplaying it and praising another kid will make her feel insecure and have no confidence in herself. A little praise from the mother when they're at a hearing distant will surely boost their self confidence and self esteem. BUT i'm also conscious not to be labelled a "braggy mom" so i do try to compliment her abilities and not highlight the things she cant do yet. But beforehand, i do discuss this with the mom i'm talking to so we all know we're not being braggy but simply trying to boost our kids' self esteem and confidence? 
I agree that we need to praise our children but there is of course the theory that too much praise or inappropriate praise is as bad. I don't see anything wrong with praising another child in front of your own child. It teaches our children that other kids are worthy of praise too and are special. Otherwise our kids will become little emperors who think they are the best and can't see the talent or good in others.
I don't see anything wrong with Cara mentioning about her girl's vocab... I think every parent is entitled to feel some sort of pride at their children's achievement (no matter big or small).
I'm definitely not saying that you stand on the rooftops and shout out your child/ren's achievements or bore your friends to tears by enumerating your child/ren's achievement every time you see them or rub their faces in it. I think we just need to be a bit sensitive to how others feel and know when enough is enough. On the other hand, if we are on the receiving end of what we perceive as intolerable parental bragging, let's just keep in mind that people are entitled to be pleased and happy about something and they are entitled to "share." If we tire of hearing about it all the time, we can always smile politely and tune out. Believe me, they will get the message soon enough.
I'm definitely not saying that you stand on the rooftops and shout out your child/ren's achievements or bore your friends to tears by enumerating your child/ren's achievement every time you see them or rub their faces in it. I think we just need to be a bit sensitive to how others feel and know when enough is enough. On the other hand, if we are on the receiving end of what we perceive as intolerable parental bragging, let's just keep in mind that people are entitled to be pleased and happy about something and they are entitled to "share." If we tire of hearing about it all the time, we can always smile politely and tune out. Believe me, they will get the message soon enough.
so far , i have not praise my child to someone else . dont see why i should let another mother knows,, i am proud of my child because of what she did.. i just praise my child directly " i love the way you share toys with xxx , just now, i am proud of you".. but usually when no one else is around.. hehe.. the people that i brag to , is my mum, my mother in law, my hubby, they'd be concern of my daughter's development.
also, as for those really comparing for the sake of comparing.. "when did you daughter quit night feeding? my son quits ages ago, already when he is one month old.. quit automatically, i didnt need to train him.. bla.. bla.. bla.." usually i just answer what they asked, and no comment whatsoever, when they start telling me about their son.. how come they still dont get the message?
also, as for those really comparing for the sake of comparing.. "when did you daughter quit night feeding? my son quits ages ago, already when he is one month old.. quit automatically, i didnt need to train him.. bla.. bla.. bla.." usually i just answer what they asked, and no comment whatsoever, when they start telling me about their son.. how come they still dont get the message?
nicolejoy
Registered User
I personally think it's unhealthy NOT to praise your child to other people. Like Fenho was saying, many Asians go as far as to downplay their children's achievements. If someone compliments their child, they will say "No, actually they're really naughty/not very smart/etc". Children NEED to grow up knowing that their parents think that they are special, smart, important etc. So in that respect, a certain amount of "bragging" if you can call it that is healthy and necessary. It's completely unhealthy for a child to grow up thinking their own parents don't think they are good enough. And I know MANY Chinese people who have that problem, and all the self-esteem problems that go along with that. So please, brag on your kids every once in a while!!
Or you can try a slightly more direct approach... Short of telling them outright, next time they do that, make a joke and hope that they'll get the message. Something like, "Wow, I hope my other friends/parents/in-laws aren't bored to tears. I'm forever telling them my child did this and that every time I see them, whether they asked or not. Sometimes I can't help myself, but I need to remember that they might not be as "into" my child as I am!"
Good luck.
Good luck.
carang
Registered User
i guess i tell people about my children because i'm a teacher of very small kids. i use my kids as examples, both good and bad.
i think the problem stems from exactly what aussiegal said... when one praises THEIR OWN child, the other mother feels like THEIR CHILD is being put down... this is not always the case and only demonstrates the second mother's insecurity.
i use my children as examples, to show other parents (many of whom have no experience of children other than their own) that there is a HUGE range of "normal"... for example, when their 2 year old is acting up, i can say offer suggestions on how to deal with it (believe me, there are LOTS of people out there that have no clue)... then i can say, "every child is different. my first was an angel of a baby... only 2 tantrums from birth until 3 yrs... but then the terrible 2's hit... when he was 3!"
they feel like they can relate and know that they are not alone.
as for my daughter speaking... i have used it when saying to parents (whose child is not yet talking at almost 2 yrs of age) that my daughter spoke so early (what i wrote above), but that my son only knew a handful of words when he was the same age. it doesn't make one smarter or more clever than the other... they just learned things in a different order and at different speeds... now when you see my son and speak to him, you would never know that he didn't speak full sentences until almost 3...
i think it all comes from the INTENT of the speaker. i think you can tell when one is just BRAGGING or when one wants a meaningful discussion on child-development.
i think the problem stems from exactly what aussiegal said... when one praises THEIR OWN child, the other mother feels like THEIR CHILD is being put down... this is not always the case and only demonstrates the second mother's insecurity.
i use my children as examples, to show other parents (many of whom have no experience of children other than their own) that there is a HUGE range of "normal"... for example, when their 2 year old is acting up, i can say offer suggestions on how to deal with it (believe me, there are LOTS of people out there that have no clue)... then i can say, "every child is different. my first was an angel of a baby... only 2 tantrums from birth until 3 yrs... but then the terrible 2's hit... when he was 3!"
they feel like they can relate and know that they are not alone.
as for my daughter speaking... i have used it when saying to parents (whose child is not yet talking at almost 2 yrs of age) that my daughter spoke so early (what i wrote above), but that my son only knew a handful of words when he was the same age. it doesn't make one smarter or more clever than the other... they just learned things in a different order and at different speeds... now when you see my son and speak to him, you would never know that he didn't speak full sentences until almost 3...
i think it all comes from the INTENT of the speaker. i think you can tell when one is just BRAGGING or when one wants a meaningful discussion on child-development.
Hmm, maybe it's a cultural thing. I.e. I'm British/Aussie. For us it is poor form to go on about anything, especially ourselves or our children. So when I hear parents bragging or talking incessantly about their children's achievements I do normally feel like there is some sort of comparison going on between my child and theirs or even their child and every other child in the world (some parents do really think their children are the best in the world!) but I don't feel insecure at all. I mean, I have three children so I've seen a fair bit now and I'm intelligent enough to know that children develop at different paces and have different talents. Further, what one parent thinks is important I might not care about at all. One of my kids has great vocab and speech, another is great at sport. To me, both are fantastic traits to have.
Unlike Carang, I actually tend to think that the 'braggy' parent is the insecure one. Insecure not in their child but in themselves and now finally they have found a way to make themselves feel better. But this goes with my theory that parents that brag are really trying to point out how amazing they are as parents to have raised such a brilliant child!
I'm sure this is one topic we will not reach a consensus on
