Helper and the baby

I think what Bonita has said is true to a certain extent, sleeping baby = time to take care of household duties and to have a 'mental' break (we all need that with our own children!), however I have noticed that this type of problem only crops up when the mums and dads take over the night time care of their children. When there are consequences on the helpers to letting the children sleep all day i.e the helper is forced to do the night duty, then their is usually a miraculous change in adhering to your rules. Again, I say this from experience, when I told my helpers that they would be asked to attend to my DC at night if they didn't follow my day time schedule and she couldn't sleep at night (and as a mum you know your children and how much they've slept or haven't slept during the day), they would be taking over the night shift, the things changed pronto!
Yes, unfortunately necessity drives behaviour....in the case of families where they will always expect a helper to be around, they have the helper do things for the children which by rights in countries where you don't have helpers, you would do your utmost to have the children learn to do for themselves (shoes on, clothes on, bathing ect) as that eases the burden on the mums and dads (and is better for the children)...but as I say, when there is no real, pressing need, people act accordingly.
Also, Gracey, I think with your helper, she may be just acting out of habit and sometimes fear. I've had long chats with my helper and she's told me that sometimes even if the employer and grandparents says they don't want you to help or keep the baby quiet, they get irritated, and a bit aggressive when you don't, so sometimes helpers are in a really tough spot...expected to be mind readers, I think it may take some getting used to working for a family where you really do say what you mean.
 
bonita said:
What I've also noticed is that local Chinese parents a lot of time MAKE the helper do everything for the children (feed, getting dressed etc.) just so that they can finish faster and without making a big mess.
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I don't think this is limited to local Chinese parents. My helper has to be reminded frequently to let the baby feed himself because she is really loathe to let him do it as he makes a big mess that she has to clean up (himself, the highchair and the floor) and it takes much longer for him to feed himself. There is probably also a cultural/background issue here in that the mess is seen as a huge waste of food which is, in her eyes, wrong because her family is quite poor and that kind of waste of food would seem to her to be like throwing money away.

Even for my older child, my helper doesn't want him to be late for school, so again she often puts his clothes and shoes on for him, which actually does not help in the long run as he is not getting practice. I have to remind her often to let him do it himself even if it makes him a little late.
 
Gracey

You know, from my previous posts, how I feel about this! I am still struggling to come to terms with te fact that our helper doesn't understand that it is NOT her job to be the parent. No matter how many times I have told her. And yes we were going to terminate her contract but we spoke to her (once again) and felt things improved until yet again things have gone downhill. We also didn't have the time to interview and go through the whole process again as we are both busy working parents. However we have now started proceedings to hire a new helper and hope that she will be with us by Christmas. Anyway, I digress.

Under no circumstance would I allow the helper to dictate to you what should be going on with your child. Explain to her in very plain English or even pictorially if English is an issue, that she will lose her job if she doesn't follow your instructions. With regards to having picked someone more mature with children herself, I think maybe that's where you could have looked at it differently. If she has children and is from a different culture the likelihood is that she will have a different approach to yours. I would look at hiring someone younger with no children of her own and YOU be the one to train her up as you see fit. The fact that she also doesn't cook doesn't leave a lot for her to do. Perhaps if she was a bit busier she wouldn't be in such a hurry to help?

Our helper's English is good but she only hears what she wants to hear and ignores most of what I ask her to do. It infuriates me as I am never home so I am constantly calling to make sure that she is on top of things (makes my job even harder!). I am lucky that my husband doesn't have to go to work until lunch time so she only spends half the day with my son. She told me yesterday that my son was too lazy sometimes and didn't want to walk! He is 14 months old and a very good walker but towards the end of the afternoon he gets tired so doesn't want to walk. I explained this to her to which she said "no, he's too lazy!" GRRRRRRRR! And last week she washed his plates with bleach!!! I could go on but I think you get the picture. No one is in a position to judge your parenting and what you want for your child (unless you yourself are in a mentally unstable place which I don't think is the case!) so be firm and if firm doesn't do it, dismiss her.
 
Thanks everyone!
Rooj -- That's a good point. I think there are pros and cons to hiring a more mature woman who is a mom. The pro is that she is good and steady-handed at most baby stuff -- burping the baby, calming the baby, giving a bath, changing diapers, giving a bottle. We wanted a helper who would be independent enough that if -- god forbid -- something went wrong when we weren't home, she'd have the presence of mind to cab it to a hospital or get help. I think she can do that.

We also interviewed some younger girls, but they seemed so unsteady on their feet. Some had never cared for any baby. Many couldn't answer questions like "What do you do if the baby is ill?" We got the most ridiculous answers to that one.

The con, of course, is that an experienced woman will have more of her own opinions. We talked about her little defiance, and she explained that she was just trying to help, just wanted the best for the baby and "it made her sad to see the baby cry." I think she sees herself as an experienced mom, and me as a newbie.

There is also a big cultural hurdle as she sees crying as some sort of major problem, and we don't. She also had VERY bossy former employers who, I think, were not very good to her and cracked down if the child was seen as being noisy or disobediant. It's going to take time for her to trust that we are not like that.

When we talked, she said she didn't mean to say "no" to my directions, just that she had a different opinion on how much sleep a 7-week-old needs, and she was sorry.

So I'm going to give her the benefit of the doubt that she is well-intentioned, but a little misguided, and maybe not so socially apt. It's only been 6 weeks with her and the baby, so it's all new to all of us.

Thankfully, I still have more than 3 months before I go back to work. I will see how she does from here on in. My husband is behind me on this one, and both of us have been guiding her not to jump up and run to the baby at every whimper.

Today, she tried to play with the baby more on her playmat and left her alone a bit more, so maybe she really is making an effort.
 
Update: It's been 2-3 weeks since I started this thread.

The helper is playing with the baby on the playmat more, once I showed her that playing with the baby could actually be fun and rewarding. I also told her that the baby would sleep better if she played first, since she would get tired.

The helper still rocks the baby to sleep too much during the day -- but as I'm seeing improvement, I'm going to be patient. She still coddles, but less. And she seems to be trying to fight the instinct to rush over to the baby at every whimper.

She also seems to be getting that me, my husband, even the grandparents, are encouraging her to just let the baby be sometimes. But, boy. She needs LOTS of repetition.

It's up and down. I was away this morning and when I came home she told me, all proud, that she made the baby sleep for a LONG TIME through mid-day. And I gently explained to her again that, while naps were good, we didn't want too much long, deep daytime sleep, because it disrupts nighttime sleep.

Several weeks ago, I was upset when the helper said "no" to my request that the baby sleep less during the day. So far, she's shown much better attitude.

This is a tough one because it's not a black and white instruction. I don't have my baby on some sort of black and white Gina Ford-type schedule, so I'm asking the helper to use judgement. Does the baby SEEM tired? Does she seem awake? Is she just whimpering a bit for attention, or is she seriously crying and needs to be picked up?

Tomorrow, I'm going to type up a simply instruction sheet that says "Eat. Play. Sleep."
Also, "Daytime: Windows open. Lights on. Music on. Light swaddle or no swaddle."
Early this evening, before dinner, I found the baby tightly swaddled, in a dark silent room. My husband said gently to her, "boy, should we have the baby sleeping like that a few hours before bedtime?" (I only start that routine at 9pm.)

When I'm alone with Baby, we generally do 3 naps a day -- quick one in the morning, longer one at midday, quick one in the afternoon /evening. Then I try to keep her awake a bit before her 9 pm bedtime. Does that sound right to you guys?
 
Sounds just about right. My routine is almost the same as yours although I start my bedtime routine at 7.

Funny how you wrote your update at 4 am. Feeding I presume? I was up at the same time too, feeding as well!
 
Hi Newbie -- How old is your little one?
Yes, I was up after her feeding. I know I should go right back to sleep after she does, but once I'm up, I'm usually wide awake. Also, I don't do her feedings in the bedroom. I bring her out to the living room. By the time I'm done feeding, burping, and coaxing her back to sleep, I'm awake and pretty bored. So I go online.

We start her day at 7 or 8 am. She feeds about every 3-4 hours until evening, when she gets a bit hungrier.
She has her last feed around 9 pm. That's when the lights dim, the music goes off, she's put in her sleeping bag and walked around.
She usually falls asleep at 10 pm and lasts till 3 or 4 am, which makes me REALLY happy. This is a new development. Then she sleeps again from 4/5 am to 7 am.
 
This morning, we kept the baby awake for an hour after her feed. We played with her, gave her a bath, changed her, played with her some more, until she showed signs of fatigue. Then we settled her for just a few minutes before leaving her alone in bed -- and after a little grumbling, she fell asleep for her morning nap.
Of course, this is with me watching the helper like a hawk.
OK, the helper still swaddled her and forgot about the music. But she seems to be learning....
 
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