Helper and the baby

G

Gracey

Registered User
Our helper is pretty good with our 7 week old. She's genuinely loving and patient, and good at getting her to nap.

But she's also overly anxious and rushes over every time the baby whimpers. Every time I turn around, she's swaddling and rocking the baby to sleep during the day, even when the baby doesn't seem tired.

Usually, mom and baby have some alone time in the mornings before the helper arrives. (Helper is not live-in). From 7-9 am, we have a feed and then play time. Today, we got a late start! :) So we were only starting playtime at 9:30, when the helper arrived.

Usually, I leave the baby on the playmat to kick and stretch and play while I make and eat breakfast. It's totally safe -- we have an open living room / kitchen and I keep an eye on her.

This morning, my helper rushed over and fussed with the baby the whole time. When I told her to leave the baby alone she complained "When she's left alone she cries!" But this isn't true. She wasn't crying at all. Fed, burped and cuddled, and left with toys and music, my baby can amuse herself. She does so every morning when I'm alone with her.

Then, when I took a quick shower, the helper had already bundled the baby up in a swaddle to sleep again! (No wonder the baby was crying. She was wide-eyed and awake. She wasn't even tired).

Why is my helper so anxious? Is there some cultural difference that makes them coddle babies all the time? I've explained and demonstrated playtime and tummy time -- and that the baby has to learn to be alone for short periods -- but it doesn't seem to sink in.

I know babies this age can't really "play" and do need plenty of daytime naps. I'm also not of the "cry it out" camp. If my baby cries, I pick her up.

But my baby is no longer a newborn who ONLY eats and sleeps. I'm worried that constantly being bound up and rocked is bad for her.

This is not a big issue. Like I said, the helper is generally good. I'm exhausted from breastfeeding every 3 hours around the clock, and it's great to have a second pair of hands -- and she's a godsend that way.

Any suggestions?
 
If she really isn't following your verbal instructions, consider exactly what you want from her, put it in writing and make it clear that these matters are important to you and your family and are non-negotiable. Explan to her that although her way of doing things with baby may work, it is your baby and your family and you need her to adapt to your way of doing things if she is to work in your home. This is not unreasonable. When I'm at work I do things my bosses way if he expresses a preference. If she does not understand or has questions, make sure she knows she can ask. But be clear that it must be done as you have instructed. You are not micromanaging it doesn't seem - rather there are some broad concepts that you want her to adhere to (observe basic hygene principals, don't over coddle the baby), which seem completely reasonable.
 
I don't know if it's cultural or something they are used to doing in their previous job. My helper is also Filipino but not prone to what you describe. However, she is prone to rushing in to help sometimes when I don't want help. Like a recent thing with my helper - if I'm around and it's time for my baby's feed, I'd like to feed him as it's a peaceful time and I enjoy it. When I say I'll feed him, my helper will say: "Ma'am maybe you want to change" or "Maybe you want to eat first." Not sure what she's thinking - maybe genuinely trying to be helpful, maybe she wants to sit down herself (which she is free to do anyway; I have no objection to her sitting around doing nothing) - but I just respond with a firm: "No I'll feed him" and that usually works. Though I've had to repeat this routine about 10 times for her to have kind of get that when I say I want to feed him, I want to feed him.

Your helper seems a little more aggressive with her 'help' than mine. I think it comes from a good place, but maybe try using a firmer or sharper tone (even if it sounds rude). And if this doesn't work after a few times, maybe sit down with her for a conversation about her work, start of with what you like about her work and then mention this. I think she will get that this is something that is really annoying you and desist.
 
Hi Charade -- Yes, there is that "rush to help." Well put!

I've been patient because I think her intention is good, like you say.

In the beginning, she would even charge into our bedroom when the door was closed, every time the baby whimpered. One time I was half-naked! I had to remind her that the baby was absolutely fine, and that we needed privacy.

I'm new to breastfeeding and still quite shy about it. I do it in the living room, where it's most comfortable. My helper makes me nervous by watching me, giving "helpful tips", pushing a cushion behind me, putting a shawl over me. Again, I think it's well meant, but her fussiness is strange to me.

But I know her last employers -- a rich couple with a mainland wife and what sounds like a very spoiled child -- expected her to wait on them hand and foot, so maybe she just needs time to adjust to a more independent minded employer.

I'm feeding on demand. So I told my helper that if the baby is showing signs of hunger -- hands in her mouth, crying alot -- and I happen to be napping or eating, to knock on the door gently and let me know. But she won't do this, I think because she thinks she's bothering me.

Anyway, these are not big complaints. She means well, and it will take time for us to find a balance.

But I will take your advice and try to be clear and firm in my instructions!
 
Seems like she is over-trying to please her employer, probably a habit from her last job. For the breastfeeding, since you've not brought it up before with her, I'd wait until that feeding session is over and then in a friendly voice say something like: "You know I know you're trying to help but I feel very self-conscious when breastfeeding, so next time, prefer if you leave me alone during that time." I was the opposite of you - shamelessly walking around without buttoning up because I was so zapped those first few months, but I would still not like someone coming and putting a cushion or whatever, unless requested.

If she still persists after a few times you need to be sharper... for the other stuff, since you've told her more than a few times, you need to use a firmer tone.
 
while her "helpfulness" is well-intentioned, YOU MUST put a stop to behaviour you are not happy with now. if she is not following your instructions now, how will you ever be able to leave your child with her, knowing she doesn't do as you ask?

i am usually in the helper's corner, but on this point, i am firmly in the "you are the employer, you must act like it" corner. now, please do not be uspet, i'm not meaning that in a bad way, but you must remember that you are the boss. she does what you tell her to....at least that is how it should be. you NEED that for future peace of mind.

it sounds to me that she IS trying to be helpful, which is nice, but it is NOT what you want. you should not be uncomfortable in your own home! i think you need to be more straight forward with her and jsut say, ' i don't know what it was like in your last home, but this is how i want things in MY home: " and then tell her straight out. tell her that while you appreciate her kind thoughts, it's starting to infringe on your place. you NEED to know that she will follow your instructions when left alone with the baby.

my former helper had a difficult time adjusting from a baby who sleeps all day to one who needs more stimulation. so, i just explained it to her... baby needs more stimulation, should not sleep all day etc. if i found that she was not following my instructions, i stopped her then and there and nicely explained again etc.

my current helper took a little while to settle in with my two kids. she is still too easy on them, but is getting better. i thought we may have to terminate her (although she is really very good at everything else)... however, i've decided two things (1) my kids are getting older now, so shouldn't have to rely on her too much and (2) they are in full-day school, so again, don't have to rely on her too much..... BUT if my kids were still in 1/2 day school, i would probably have to terminate, simply because she has a very difficult time with disciplining the children and lets them walk all over her, with which i strongly disagree.

anyway, you need to decide for yourself what you are willing to live with and what you are not. good luck! it's very difficult when you know it is all well-intentioned...
 
It seems like it's getting worse.
From 4 weeks on, I had baby on a decent sleeping schedule. She fed at 11 pm / midnight. Then at 3 / 4 am. Then woke up around 7 am. In between she fell asleep quickly. This is different to daytime, when she feeds every 2-3 hours and is more awake and cries more.
The last two nights, this has fell apart. She's crying to be fed every 2-3 hours through the night, just like during the day. I worked so hard to get her to understand day / night, and don't want it to fall apart.

I talked to the helper about adding more playtime during the day, and not having her swaddled in a dark room during the day. Also not rocking her to sleep all the time, unless she seems tired. I said "She's not a newborn anymore and older babies need a little less sleep."

And she said "No."

She didn't argue. She just stared at me and said "No." I know she has many weird ideas about motherhood -- which she is allowed to have -- but this was defiance.

I repeated (nicely, not yelling) that we must keep the baby more awake during the day for her to sleep better at night. And she said "No. The baby will cry."

Newbie sent me a really nice PM explaining that for many Filipinas, a crying baby is a sign of failure on their part, which is why they rush over to shush them to sleep all the time. Also that in Filipino villages, there are networks of female relatives and babies are carried and fussed over all the time, and not left alone to play or sleep.

I appreciate that cultural difference, but I'm still struggling here to make my decision heard. Am I being too nice to my helper? MAybe I'm too friendly and she doesn't really get that boss / employee thing?
 
I'd like to add that we had this conversation while I was eating breakfast and she was in the open kitchen.

And she continued to do the dishes while I was talking and didn't make eye contact. Honestly, there is minmum housework to be done here, so she's not overloaded with work -- there were just 2 bottles and a plate, I think. The point is that the dishes could obviously wait. She's not the most talkative or social person, which is fine.

Do you think this is bad attitude I'm getting? Is this sulking? Or maybe she just didn't get how important the conversation was?
 
My own personal view - you really need to make clear to your helper that these matters are non-negotiable and she must, in all instances, follow directions if you give her specific instructions. I would never tell my employer "no" and expect to keep my job. I do appreciate cultural differences, etc., but it is your home and she is the one who must adapt. We have always treated our helper very well, but I did have to put my foot down on several child related matters as she wouldn't take hints or gentle reminders. I actually had to sit her down and tell her in no uncertain terms that, as much as we like her and have appreciated her hard work over the years, her continued employment depends on her following our exact instructions regarding our baby. She cannot substitute her judgment or childcare experience for ours, period.

Oh, and when you have the discussion, make it very serious. Ask her to stop what she is doing and sit down as you need to speak with her. Make sure that she says "Yes, I understand and I will do/ not do.... ", not just a slight head nod or uh huh. That way if things don't work out in the long run you don't have any regrets about what you could have done differently as you really did explain what you need from her and she agreed that she could do it.
 
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I just wanted to add, it could be the baby is having a growth spurt, therefore waking up more to feed and fussier. This happens to both my children who are exclusively breastfed.

But yes. Do let your helper know exactly how you like things to be.

Sent from my GT-I9000 using GeoClicks Mobile
 
i was going to also say that baby may be waking up more due to a growth spurt. it may have nothing to do with daytime routine.... but then again, it may not be a growth spurt (but it really does sound like it).

as for your helper saying "no".... i probably would have been struck dumb by it! how dare she tell you how to raise your child!

i think, honestly, after that, i would be showing her the door. there is no way to get through to her. she will NEVER follow your instructions and i just would not trust leaving my child/ren with her.
 
Was also going to suggest that there may be other reasons for the baby's waking schedule changing. However, as a mum, you have the right to try different things with your baby and what you suggested is may indeed help.

Regardless, 'no' is not an acceptable answer (unless you're asking her to do something illegal). She definitely needs to be put in her place. I wouldn't show her the door immediately but would try a serious talk first - as elle suggested with both of you sitting down. I would keep the 'you are doing well' part brief and bring up all the little things that annoy you, how you would like it done, and if she has a serious problem with the way things are being done, her input will be considered but you will have the final say and expect your instructions to be followed. I don't see why following an employers instructions should be a surprise to her - or anything to sulk about given that you don't seem unreasonable. Even if you are a new mum, doesn't mean you need to be taking the lead from her, after all.

If she still continues this way, and gets sulky etc., then I would consider looking for someone else. You mentioned that you have a couple of months before you go back to work so it would be good to sort it out now.
 
Yikes! That wasn't the response that you wanted from your helper.

I agree with the posters above that your conversation merits some serious discussion and that you mean business when it comes to your baby.

When it comes to important matters, I talk to my helper at the end of the day when the dishes are done & kids are asleep. If you do it in the morning and you're a stay at home mum like me, you & her have to deal with a bit of awkwardness the whole day whereas at night, her duties are done, you have her full attention & she can mull over our discussion when she retires to her room/boarding house. My husband sits down with me as well so she knows we mean business.

Another tip, I type out or print relevant information that support my views. That way she can review it in her own time.

Re: her defiance, perhaps ask her why she does certain things. My helper used to prop my baby to sleep on the side of the cot so her arms are confined and she won't startle herself waking up. I told her that newborns should not be propped on their side when sleeping and printed out a page about SIDS. Like your helper, she would also rush at the slightest whimper of my baby. I asked her why she does it and she said "I feel sorry for your baby to be left alone"

Also try explaning the consequences of her action. When my helper bathed and put my baby to sleep an hour earlier, I said that the baby will wake up at an earlier time and I suffer the consequences because I am the one who gets up at night while she gets a full night's sleep. She didn't realise this and felt guilty. True enough, my baby woke up at 2 am that night when normally she wakes up at 6.


Good luck with your helper. Sometime it's hard getting that right balance of help and independence with someone who is, in a reality a stranger to you and your family and yet you are dependent on her.
 
Thanks again everyone!
My baby has already gone through 2-3 growth spurts so I know what they are like! She goes crazy with hunger in the evenings. Once, she nursed for 1.5 hours (I changed breasts 3 times), then finished off the pumped milk in the fridge, then got topped up with formula before she stopped screaming with hunger! They usually last several days.

But I don't think this is a growth spurt right now, as she's not eating more than usual. She's fussing at night, but will only take a few minutes on the breast -- I think she just wants attention / comfort.

I think she's gotten her timing mixed up. Before she was active in the day and sleepy a night. Now she's being made to sleep all day, so she's awake all night. It's like she has jet lag. :)

Like right now -- 4-5 am. She's not crying or hungry, she's just wide, wide awake and wants to play and be with mom. This is the behavior I want at 4 or 5 PM.

Twice yesterday I heard the baby fussing in the nursery and caught the helper trying to swaddle and rock her to sleep even though the baby was wide awake and didn't want to. I repeated for the 400th time that the baby should only be swaddled at night. I also said that the windows should be open and the lights on during the day. No dark rooms in the middle of the afternoon -- it just confuses baby. Also, the helper "shush"es the baby constantly all day long. I want to reserve "shush and pat" for nighttimes.

I'm a SAHM right now, but I can't keep an eye 24 hours. Every time I nap, eat, shower, etc., the helper is whisking the baby off for daytime sleep. I thought maybe I was over-reacting, but even my parents have noticed that the helper is constantly trying to rock the baby to sleep during the day.

I've asked her why she does this and she simply says "The baby will cry." I've explained to her the ramification -- that poor ma'am ends up awake all night after she leaves at 7 or 8 pm, but I don't think it sinks in.

I will try to talk to her again tomorrow. I'm trying to figure out if this is outright defiance, or if she's just not that bright and not "getting it." But I am losing patience. This is not the first time she's voiced different opinions about how to raise the baby. In the past, she hasn't like many things we've done, and seems very stubborn on these issues.

It's too bad, because she's good at housework and otherwise pleasant, and seems to really love the child. But I am getting uneasy about having to leave her alone with the baby when I go back to work later.
 
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Gracey,
Unfortunately a while back I was in a similar situation to yourself, I was a SAHM when we first relocated to Hong Kong and was able to keep an eye on the helper and discovered all sorts of not so happy things, one of which was that my helper (who did not look after my child after 8pm until 9am) would always try to have my DC sleep during the day so she could do her housework, the cooking in peace whilst she chatted on the phone. Obviously when I was home I could keep her up myself but on days I needed to go out, it was your situation. She clearly was not a keeper. However being new to it all I thought it was as good as it gets (according to my in laws) however my nightmare really began when I went back to work and could not cope when the hours were turned upside down. It got to the point where I had to install a camera over my DC's bed and in her play area so that I could see if she was sleeping 'extra' during the day and call the helper (who was on our home phone!!!!! so I couldn't get through) to ask her to wake my DC up! It was exhausting. That relationship lasted less than a few unhappy months. Where I was confused was that she was good at housework and a good cook, and seemed pleasant enough but became sulky when asked to do things and preferred not to follow instructions. After I replaced her with my current helper who is not so good with housework and who can't cook, but has a cheery disposition and is happy to follow instructions, life became miraculously better for me.
Point is attitude is the most important thing when it comes to helper and the response would have me showing her the door, if it was something I thought was sustained rather than an aberration.
 
helper

Gracey
I woud have to say I agree with all the other posts. This is just unacceptable behaviour on your helpers behalf and you really need to think about whether she is capable of listening and changing her behaviour. If not, move on to your next helper. This problem will only get worse and you can manage without her on your own. It's easy to get a part timer in to clean the house and do some simple cooking if need be until you find the right fit for your family. the most important role is the child care, so don't compromise on this.

I think cultural differences may explain some of the issues here. Many helpers are craving the tactile attention that they would ordinarily have from their own children, husbands, parents. Babies give them this physical pleasure. But one thing I can say, I have seen many helpers no longer interested in the child at a certain age, when they are no longer babies! We had this problem with our first helper, she pestered me constantly about wheh I was going to have another baby! She became disinterested in our first once she was at preschool.

I think she is molycoddling and this is the tendencey of helpers. I am frequently amazed at how many children cannot do things for themselves here, especially dressing themselves, brushing teeth, hair, simple things that help build their confidence, independence and self esteem. More than likley she has worked this way for the Chinese family she worked for previosuly.

If this is not the style of parenting and care you are looking for, then tell her in black and white. If she doesn't change, then she is not respecting your views on parenting. You are the mother and this is your child, not hers.

Good luck Gracey.
 
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i taught a 7 year old who didn't know how to clean his own bottom because grandma made the helper do it!
 
Thanks to everyone for all your replies! I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have all the Geobaby Moms to bounce ideas off of.

We hired her specifically for babycare -- because she was a bit more mature, a mother herself and had HK childcare experience. I figure I'd give her 5 months to get used to me and the baby, and then go back to work when the child was about half a year.

She's good at housework, but it's not a big workload. We're a self-sufficient couple and one baby in a standard HK flat and are not very picky. We're not the kind of people who want our towels changed every day or our underwear ironed into squares. Before the baby, we did perfectly fine with a PT who came one afternoon a week. I DO appreciate having someone to run to the grocery or throw a load of laundry in, especially as I'm breastfeeding a 7-week-old around the clock right now. But I'm not the kind of person who NEEDS full-time household help.

She's a terrible cook (I can't hold it against her because we were forewarned, but I had no idea how terrible till she got here) So I still cook breakfast and lunch myself, and oversee her when she makes a simple dinner every night. Seriously, if she can't get the baby stuff right, she's not much use to us.

I harranged her enough yesterday. She seemed contrite this morning, so I'm going to give her another chance to prove herself. I'm going to give her the benefit of the doubt that a more independent style of parenting is very cuturally different for her, and that it will take time for her to "get it" and that she is not being deliberately disobediant. She does seem to love the baby so much, and is very patient with her.

On top of everything else, my in-laws just got into town! The downside is that this makes me even more busy. The upside is that both sets of grandparents are great with the baby. This morning, the helper saw the grandparents just leave the baby on the playmat for an hour. When she cried, they might bounce her on their knee, but not freak out about it. (My parents are like that, too). When she whisked the baby away to the nursery to be hushed and put to sleep, I took the baby away from her and returned her to the noisy, bustling living room. She seemed better about it, and I hope she can learn from watching and from example.
 
Carang -- that would be funny if it wasn't so sad.

My helper told me that her last charge was 4 years old before she learned to operate a spoon, since the Chinese parents insisted that the helpers feed her every mouthful. She only learned because she went to school and realized she didn't know how to eat lunch!
 
I think for a lot of helpers, a sleeping baby = an easy to care of baby. They can get other house work done when baby is asleep.
What I've also noticed is that local Chinese parents a lot of time MAKE the helper do everything for the children (feed, getting dressed etc.) just so that they can finish faster and without making a big mess.
 
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