Desperate for advises and comments from other people!

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From a traditional Chinese point of view, I may understand why the OP may be accepting her parents help. Look like she is very close to her parent and a docile daughter. Her parents want to help, and she does not want them to get worried or even hurt by rejecting their help. So she think that putting thosands miles distance between her parents and themselves, it may solve the problem, since at least, her parent cannot force her into accepting their help, and her hubby cannot ask her parent for money (does her husband ask for money???)
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I'm not sure if people are actually getting my point.

The hk apartment is on mortgage and I, personally, bought it myself.
The sydney apartment is bought by my mom.

Now, I intially plain and simple wanted views on Australia or HK.
I got lots of feedbacks, which I appreciate. And with each person I seem to write more and more information about our situation.
I really don't get how "I didn't like the situation and I don't enjoy the luxuries hence why I put a mortgage on our apartment. We're only waiting for it to complete renovating" is so hard to understand?

We have been trying to move out, thank you?

And enjoying replying people? Of course I do, people spent their time reading my posts and replying me giving me real advises. I appreciate it and I response with details.

is this getting personal now? Or am I getting sensitive?
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Hubby has been unemployed since 2008 august and I've been working in sydney.
He's been staying at home gaming.
Probably why my parents help to such extend.. Maybe hubby has issues but I really have no idea how to give him a kick.
I tried talking, kicking, reasoning.. Best friend suggested to just leave him alone. If he rots, he rots. If not, great.

I really appreciate for all the replies. But if there is any further comments, I wish that you would try and finish reading all the posts before you do? Pretty please? I feel as if there's a lot of miscommunication going on..
I'm sorry if I seem worked up AGAIN. I just need to get it out and make ourselves clear!

Thank you!
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actually, you keep contradicting yourself... at one point you say you live in a 10,000' house, now you say you bought your own flat.... (just curious... how in the world did a 19 year old manage to get a mortgage? or did mummy and daddy pay the downpayment and get the mortgage and you pay them?)... you say that you only pay for things for your daughter, then you say that you pay all of these other things. you say that your hubby works for your parents, but now you say that he's unemployed?

it really doesn't make much sense anymore.

but from the sounds of things, perhaps marrying your hubby wasn't such a great idea. perhaps you and your baby would be better off without him? and now you say he's been gambling? he really sounds like a bit of a loser...rather live with in-laws, gamble what little money he earns...

you and hubby are just so young and immature, i really can't see either of you having the maturity to be able to pull it all off...
 
1. We have been living in a house that is under my parents name since 2009.
2. I then bought an apartment and put the down payment MYSELF, mortgaged under MY name but my mother as the guarantor. The apartment is still renovating and once it is completed, we planned to move in or lease it out.
3. The down payment was saved up during the 4 years time I have been in Sydney working as a translator $25p/h AUD min 5 hrs a day and 6 days a week, and sometimes double due to OT or holidays. I lived in a 200$aud studio at that time and I don't drink or go clubbing at all.
4. I didn't realized I would have to mention things in such details you know. So I summed it up by saying "daughter's things"
5. Hubby has been unemployed since 2008, has only been working at my mother's company. I wouldn't count my mom's company as a career now would I?
6. Whether or not marrying hubby was a great idea or not, I did and I love him and he loves our daughter no matter what. I came here for a solution and not to be criticized. You probably don't mean it in an offensive way, and did I say gambling? gamING sorry. He plays video games until am every single night.

We are young and immature, that's why we came here for some advises which we have received a lot. Good or bad.
Being young and immature doesn't mean we don't know our responsibilities, if I can cope with hubby, possibly lead him to grow into being a man, the provider of the family then a lot of our problems could be solved.
 
Gataloca, thank you. I have been close to my parents, but since I left them to live on my own and support myself there has been a distance for us. But a lot of people are right here, if hubby and I continue to receive any generosity.. I'm not worried about myself actually, I'm more concern about how hubby is becoming.

He used to help out around the house, wakes up early, really polite, and passive.
Now he's becoming more lazier, sleeps in till 4pm on Sundays, goes to game arcades, mean and impolite to the helpers, aggressive...
 
it's exciting to hear that you will be moving to your own place - in fact, my family will be doing the same thing...though my father will be close by...have always been close to my family and I think it is great that you are close with your parents. in that new environment, things will change (for good or bad) and it is be a great chance for you to be independent like you crave. no need to move to sydney to do that...in fact, I truly believe that HK is the perfect place to raise your family because your daughter will get to know her g-parents, which would be important to you cause you are close to your family.

people will agree and disagree with you on this forum, as long as you know what works for you and your family I won't take everything to heart - afterall everyone is only trying to help by sharing their opinion ...different things work for different families in different situations. cultural or not, it does not matter - all that matters is how you prioritze the things in your life and make ssense of it. again, there is no shame from getting help from your family - for whatever reason - they are here to help...as a mother of 3, i would be more than willing to help out my children whenever they need it...even if they don't ask for it. i am sure you would do the same for your daughter even though she'd probably say "no".

people get comfortable very easy - when your hubby moves to his own place he will change, i'm sure of that. i don't think it's a long term problem. won't worry.
 
carang said:
leslie, you are making perfect sense. even so, i disagree with you 100%. i think it may come down to cultural differences though.... there is no way i would live with my parents having them pay for everything if i have my own family and a way to make my own income. no way.

when my brother and his family decided to move to canada from the uk, they lived in my mum's basement while my brother worked and went to university for his second degree. they paid my mum rent and paid for their own food/toys/car payments and all other expenses. the rent they paid was only $300/month, but at least they were contributing and basically paying their own way with a little help from mum.... to me, that is VASTLY different to what is going on with the OP. if that was happening, then i'd agree with you, leslie, it IS best for the family. BUT right now, it seems that the OP and hubby are not contributing to the household in any way and in fact are making use of the 4 helpers and driver, eating parent's food, enjoying parent's generosity with regards to rent-free etc. this doesn't help them. it only makes them more dependent. whereas what my mum did helped my brother and his family while they worked towards independence.
Click to expand...

I think it IS cultural...my mom would die (and she has) before she would take any money from us...i had to forcibly buy grocery without her knowing in order to "contribute" or pay the bills before she saw them...only worked a couple times though. but now with her gone, i have in fact learnt the ins and outs of running a household and maintaining a job at the same time.
 
Yup Leslie, we're gonna be ten minutes drive away from them hehe. Somehow the inside me still wants to go back, I just never liked HK ever. I guess when the time comes, when we can afford it, we'll ask my parents to come with us.

I can deal with disagreements, but to kind of jump into conclusions without even reading the threat carefully does frustrates me. I understand people are trying to help but when it comes down to different opinions and such, I think it requires more understanding in differences in cultural. Because I do, and I respect that.

Leslie, I believe it to be a cultural thing too. Living at home when you're not 100% capable of being on your own aid the child in a very different way to the western way. Each cultural has their own advantage, each person has their own way of raising their kids.
I am grateful to my parents, but I think hubby is getting TOO comfortable.
 
excuse me... i HAVE read the thread carefully. more than once. it doesn't change the fact that you keep changing "facts" to suit the responses.

as i have said, my brother was in EXACTLY the same position as you are in. he DID go to school. he DID work. he DID have a 3 year old and a wife (stay-at-home-mum) to support. he DID have assistance from my mother. BUT these seem to be two VASTLY different situations. HE was working his butt off to get out of the situation. HE was paying rent. he wasn't sitting around moaning about 4 helpers, a 10000' house, a driver and parents who want to give him everything. he spent 3 years living in my mum's basement with his family. when he finished school and got his first teaching post, they moved IMMEDIATELY into their own house.

on one hand, you complain about lack of independence and your lazy husband. but when someone suggests you change the situation, you get defensive and change "we only pay for our daughter's things" to "we pay for everything. i bought my own house. we will move into it...." do you see where the problem is? if you had been up front from the begining, maybe responses would have been different.... just maybe...
 
Perhaps it wouldve been. But I'm not changing the facts to suit each person who's replying. I'm simply providing more details to clear of any misunderstanding or misleading.
I'm not doubting your brothers capabilities, in fact its admirable.
I'm sorry if you get the feeling I'm "moaning" or even "showing off" my situation. As I've said earlier, in some people's eyes these are luxuries. For me, its a bad living zone because you begin to dependent on other people.
As I've said, I didn't think it was necessary to bring up the apartment I bought to a question of "whether to stay in HK or go back to Sydney".
We have one here and one in Sydney, to me it doesn't make a difference to stay here or go back.
It was only when people started questioning our lack of independence that I thought would be a good thing to let you know the details.
I'm Sorry if I offended you in any way? I didn't thought it was necessary to bring out all the details for a question to stay or leave.
Anyhow, no disrespect to your family or western cultural. So, I hope we cleared up.
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QM, the helpers are there for my mom. Has been there even when this house was vacant, cos they come in everyday.

We'll be moving in a month or so.. Starting from scratch!

I think all husband will eventually, hahaha. Poor women, bear the pain from childbirth, breast feeding, change of body shapes, lack of sleep, and housework.

Cheers to all mummies out there! Stay at home mom AND working mom!
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The hk apartment is on mortgage and I, personally, bought it myself.
The sydney apartment is bought by my mom.
Click to expand...

Just curious, and maybe I'm asking too much information here (and feel free to not respond if I am), but how were you able to afford to buy the apartment yourself if you are so young and you've said that you cannot survive financially without your parents (at least that's what I gather from the previous posts, correct me if I'm wrong)? Again, just curious.
 
I worked as a translator for a firm in Sydney for 4 years. 25aud per hour, 6 days a week, 5hours min. Each day.
I had the down payment, but I wouldn't have granted that mortgage if my mother wasn't my guarantor.

On the side, I was also doing business in Australia for my father as an "international sales manager" I receive 7% commission for every contract I land.
Money wasn't the reason why I lived at parents house.
When I say we won't financially survive is the family expectation standards in hk.
We wouldn't have to care about "the fame" of the kindi we take daughter to in au. If we send daughter to "not so famous" school in hk, friends and relatives of mother will kinda.. Look down on you. And I'm okay with that, its my mom's face.
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ConstanceFaith, I had an ex-colleague just like you. Originally from HK but moved to Europe when she was 7. She returned when she had a daughter with a man who was an absent father. Just thought that I'd tell you what she did to counter the parental economic influence:

(1) Instead of living with her parents, she rented her own apartment where she returned home to after work each day.
(2) To save her mother's face, she kept her son at a prestigious brand name school but the fees were foot by her parents. And when the parents nitpicked, she "told them off" by mentioning that she was quite happy to have her son in a no brand school down the road.
(3) She did not have a helper. She worked full time, really long hours (at the school I work at). When she's at work, the child is at school (full day - 3 years old then) and grandparents/helper (her mum's) would pick the child up after work.

Was she happy? Mostly? What caused her unhappiness, the times when her mum and dad would pick on her and this made her feel like a loser. But she hung on until she had enough to head back to Europe. During this time, her son carried on in the brand name school and it him no disservice. So, you too could work around it with your current lifestyle in HK.

(1) Own apartment - your costs
(2) School - Let them pay for it (to save face - very important value a lot of Westerners cannot understand). As a product of Asian parents, I truly get that.
(3) Maybe just a helper (which you pay for or not) to get your child in and out of school while the two of you sped up your efforts to that ultimate goal.

I think as children of Asian parents, the save face factor does interfere with our daily lives and our Western dream/desires/ways. Since having children, I am more aware of how important a role grandparents play in the lives of our children. Apart from us (their parents), they are the only other pair of hands that truly spoil and love our kids (and with a lot more patience). It is their role. In fact, it is their right as Asian parents, some would argue. It is quite the norm. So save them a little face. Let them spoil your kids (as far as their education is concerned) while you wait it out.

Good Luck!
 
Also, carang. If I was the man, the husband, then what you said in the previous post would make sense.
But I'm not, am I?
My husband is going to uni and work but he is definitely not working his arse off because he has already been dismissed by my mother's contractor and now working for another. And for me, our situation is worse because this is my parents!

I seldom even ask for the helpers, husband sits on couch and asks for a coke from the fridge which is only a few steps away.
Also, asks helper to change daughter diaper.
I won't leave out asking the driver to driver ALL THE WAY from NT to north point for school because his lack of time management.

I don't understand why it seems like you're mad at me?
Husband wanted me to be a SAHM which I've already told him that we can't afford. But my mom decided to "hire" me to do her accounts (as I've said earlier), data entry, paper works etc. So I had the opportunity to take care of her exclusively.

Shouldn't I be the one who's angry because my husband is lousy at being the provider?
I wasn't and didn't intend to "complain" and "moan" about anything.
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Thank you QM, its good to know that I'm not the only one acting/thinking like that (caring about parents' face).
It really conflicts with my lifestyle because I was raised in sydney. All the fame/face/connections, I really don't get.

I will figure something out with school fees.. I won't be able to pull out from that "brand" school now but ill try my best to not have them paying for her education. Just not their responsibility. I feel.

But thank you. For understanding and I really feel empathized!!
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