Am I too demanding??

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Honestly, I would not keep her. She seems to be getting away with things, I would not allow my helper to get away with.

To answer your questions:
(1) "If she's so smart, she would not be a domestic helper." - A Filipino mum from my son's school. We find that with helpers you have to spell everything out to them. EVERYTHING - especially if you're like me - a Type A control freak. I want it done my way and no one elses'. So we have lists with very specific instructions.
(2) For us, communication is a No. 1 priority. If she's Filipino and is neither here nor there with English, I'm sure you'll be able to find someone who speaks better English. Try looking for a helper with experience in Singapore with a local Sg family. At least 4 years experience! Their English even if they're from a small village out bush in the Phillipines would be better than someone who's only an experienced DH there.
(3) She will do whatever she wants in the house while you are away! That is a grim reality of a household with two working parents! No matter how honest and good, there'll be moments which makes you wonder or go "Hmmm?"

Good Luck!:smile:
 
Thanks everyone. Yes, will try my luck and see if i can find a better one, however the only thing that i am struggling was taking a risk of finding a 'smarter' helper but she might not treat my babies as good as the existing one...

As u know most of the helpers are picky too, once they know I have twins, 8 out of 10 don't want to come.

I am just wondering, some families manage to have only one helper to take care of twins, given both parents also need to work too, how can they manage? I heard a few are like this (i believe not all the twins family will have two helpers though) but really don't know how it works....
 
the difference between ssheng thinking his boss is overworking him and making him/her exhausted and your helper feeling the same way is this:

your helper takes care of your children and your home. the two most important things in your life.

if you really want a good, well-rested helper, then you have to either:
1) get rid of this one and find one with more energy
or
2) lower your expectations

personally, it sounds to me like you need a new helper.

PS> YOU asked for advice on a forum. YOU called this thread, "am i too demanding?" YOU should expect some people to say, yes, you are too demanding.... you should not expect to be validated by everyone that comes on here. your expectations for one person seem to be too high. this is not about how you treat your helpers when it's their birthdays, but about how much work they are expected to perform during any given day and how much rest they get.
 
You asked, so I'll answer. Yes, you're far too demanding. You can't expect an employee to get up multiple times during the night to your children and still function during the day. Only mummies and occasionally daddies have to do that. I'm a working mum too, I understand how hard this is. Options:
1. You have two helpers, one can be night shift, the other day shift. The night shift helper needs 8 hours sleep + downtime/rest during the day.
2. Get up to your children yourself.
Even if you hire a new helper, you need to adjust your expectations. You might be amazed to find how much energy your existing helper has, once you let her have a few decent nights sleep.

I wouldn't count the grandparents as additional help. You might find that the helpers end up looking after 2 babies + 2 grandparents each day whilst you're at work and/or that both helpers and grandparents end up doing the same work. Just with the grandparents helicoptoring over the helpers.

Sleeping with a baby on your chest is a real no no for me. It is not safe. Adults can roll over and block the child's air supply. Here are some guidelines:
Safe Sleeping | Sids and Kids

To answer your other question, should one helper be able to look after twins? Absolutely yes. But they are just an employee. They need time off and a good night's sleep.
 
totally agree with Jane01 and other posters regarding how important night sleep is for anyone taking care of kids. i am not working (yet) so i can't comment (i take care of my children completely during the nights), but here is a suggestion - a few friends of mine here do this: simply, alternate nights. say, sundays you take night duty, tuesdays one of your helpers, wednesdays your other helper (if you have another), thursdays your husband if he is willing, and so on and so forth. that way, everyone gets a break and everyone chips in during the nights. you may feel entitled to a full night's rest every night because you are working but honestly i can tell you as a SAHM taking care of young kids during the day (not to mention housework, etc) is a lot of WORK and possibly the most important work one can do!

yes you are demanding too much if you expect your helper(s) to take over day and night duties every day. yes you should change helpers probably but it won't be easy finding one who is able to both manage the household during the day AND tend to the kids at nights and if you do she may not last long once she realizes how tiring a job it is.
 
Your twins are not babies anymore... They are toddlers. Why don't you try to train them to sooth themselves instead of relying on the helper at night? I think you may try this first. It may be part of the solution to your problems.
 
Carang - I am welcome for all the comments (funny that you are kind of offensive, take it easy please, it is just a thread for a friendly discussion...), just want to consolidate comments and give myself an adjustment.

Thank you & understood. In conclusion - I am too demanding, will try to find a solution for my helper. Sometime I will also wake up and see what happened when i hear the baby cry in the middle of the night, but baby likes to stick with my helper coz she get used to have her while she crys, even I tried to carry her back to sleep, she will cry even louder until I pass her back to my maid... Should I insist to carry her for few nights? and see if she is ok?

Does all the working parents will take care of their toddlers at night time even they have a helper? And how can you manage your work at daytime?
 
TwinsMom said:
Does all the working parents will take care of their toddlers at night time even they have a helper? And how can you manage your work at daytime?
Click to expand...

Yes I do - With two cups of coffee or tea a day (One a day now that I'm pregnant with No. 2). My helper is not responsible for my child the minute I walk through the door unless I am downright exhausted or have a had a difficult day at work and need time out. I try to get home by 6 p.m. everyday. I get two hours with him every working day. At night, either my husband or I will get up. I find it far more effective if I got up as I'm a light sleeper and am quick to nip the problem in the bud. With my husband, my child whinges more, cries more, asks for more. With me, it's just no-nonsense and our child from very young knows this. So I get to sleep again lots faster!

Where I'm from, working mums don't have the luxury of helpers. They pick the kids up from creche at the end of the work day and still have to make dinner and tidy up and spend time with their children. So, I try not to think about how hard it is but think about how much easier it is than if I were back home.
 
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i'm sorry you found my honest answers to be offensive.

to answer your last question:

I woke up with both of my children... only in the past 6 months has my daughter slept through (she's almost 3.5 yrs old). I run my own business and work about 60 hours/week, luckily some of it is from home.

the ONLY time my helper assisted with nights was for about a month (and even then we three alternated, mum, dad & helper) right after my daughter was born. she helped IF my son woke up because of the crying newborn.
 
(Does all the working parents will take care of their toddlers at night time even they have a helper? And how can you manage your work at daytime?)

Most parents in Britain need to work and look after children on their own without any help from grannies or helpers, you just get on with what you have.

from day 1 we realised I was pregnant, mentally we were ready not to have sleep when our baby is here. I suppose looking after children is the job all parents do.

If you need to work during the day and pass the baby to your helpers during the night, is there any bonding between you and the twins?
 
"And how can you manage your work at daytime?"

to answer your last question, how do you expect your helper to manage HER work during the day??? especially since her main task involves something as critical as looking after your kids??
 
Taking care of young kids is a very very tough job. I am a SAHM of a 19-month-old and I am exhausted at the end of the day everyday. I only ask my helper to take care of the cleaning and cooking, seriously, I don't see how she can mind the kid and the house at the same time. When I see helpers at the supermarket with babies, sometimes I wonder what they do with the babies when they clean the toilet or cook. Do they just leave them unattended in the crib? Anyway, what I am trying to say is, if you can afford it, get two new helpers since it seems that you need lots of help around the house. One of our friends actually has three helpers, two to look after the twins and one to look after the chores. The house is sparkling clean and everyone is well rested and happy. Don't know how much bonding there is between the parents and the kids, but hey, it works for them.
 
TwinsMom,

I am a working mom, and I never took care of my baby at night time. I have two full-time helpers so one of them always stayed with my baby when he was young. I did train him to be a good sleeper at a very young age so he has been slept through the night since when he was 7M by himself without anyone else being in his room. My guess is both of my helpers have a much easier life than yours.

I love my baby very much but didn't think that I need to be the one who took care of him at 2a.m. and 5a.m. to be a good mom. A good night's sleep gave me the energy to handle a fairly demanding job during the day and spend quality time with him before and after work and the whole weekend. I think it's a personal choice so you should just go with what works for you - good luck!
 
On the topic of your twins sleeping with the helper, I would try to train them to sleep alone since they'll have to sooner or later. My son slept alone when he was 8mths old and the helper only went in to check on him if he has a nightmare and starts crying or has a coughing fit (during a flu).

If you're not comfortable with your 2nd helper, I'd get another one in to help her out. Twins can be a handful and you'll need extra supervision once they are two to three y.o. because that's when the accidents start coming in.
 
I wonder if you realise the irony of asking how working mums cope with night wakings, when your helper is in the same situation. Back later, have to go to a meeting.
 
I agree with Workingmom1975. It's a purely personal decision whether you get up in night and it doesn't necessarily make you a bad mother or even a bad employer.

My LO used to wake at 1am and 4 am. My helper (one of two helpers) had no problem coping with her work even though she would handle at least one of the middle of the night feedings provided she napped when the baby napped during the day. I think the OP needs to find a helper who is a better match for her. My helper had no issues with having to get up in the night. She knew that I have a demanding job and regarded it as part of her job to make sure that I was well rested enough so that I could get through my day at the office without falling asleep on the job or making mistakes due to tiredness. As my job requires me to read lengthy and often tedious documents in tiny print, I have to have at least 5 or 6 hours of sleep or I will fall asleep at my desk! I also think that you will probably need to continue with 2 helpers, unless you are positive that your apartment is childproof and that one twin is not climbing out a window in one room while the other twin is in the other room playing.
 
Workingmom1975 - I think my situation is similar to yours, also have 2 full time helpers and they will sleep with the baby in two separate rooms. Yes, my helpers are relatively busier than yours so we are start training the babies to sleep on their own too (although they can only did few times...). Twin2 always dream and can’t sleep well, don't know how to make her sleep better though…

After seeing all the comments yesterday, i spoke with my helpers last night, no.1 helper said she is fine bcoz my twin1 baby can sleep better at night (maybe sometime will make noises when she was dreaming and wake my helper up), however, twin2 will wake up 1-2 times, my no.2 helper said baby can go back to sleep again very soon sometime as long as she can guess her needs correctly (hungry/nightmare) + she can manage to take a nap during daytime (while twin2 is sleeping) so she is also fine with the current arrangement.

OK, re: bonding - thank you but no worries, my babies like to stick with me ALL the times, before/after work + weekends, I will wake up one hour earlier than normal to spend some time with them in the morning before I go to work and I seldom go anywhere after work, both of them need my attention all the times and easily jealous if I just carry either one, so I have been trained to carry them TOGETHER, my both arms are exhausted & my muscles are pain, need to put counterpain on my arms every night... they will keep looking for me when i was out of their sight... so I guess my relationship with the kids are ok.

TheQuasimother – so proud of you! Really not an easy job given you need to work though!

For those who questioned about - How can my helpers manage their work during daytime given they need to take care of my kids – Maybe I am lucky, they both manage well. They can take rest at daytime but I can’t, my job required me to start working at 9am + mistake-free and stress, that’s why I need at least 6 hours sleeping hours.

Thank you Portia – before seeing your post, I was feeling a bit guilty about myself by not taking care of my kids at night, first of all I cannot figure out a way to take care 2 babies on my own but even I tried, baby will keep crying until I pass back to my helper (they get used to have my helpers while they are sleeping), some of my friends telling me that their helpers are also helping to take care of their kids at night too, so I am thinking whether my arrangement is a problem to the helper… thanks, I am feeling less guilty to them now (in terms of demanding), as long as she said ok and I can also have enough sleep, then nothing need to be worried!
 
i am just wondering something about having the helpers sleep in the room with the babies. I was under the impression that employers are required to ensure that the helper gets 8 hours of rest. would having the helper get up with the babies be in violation of that regulation?

For what it's worth I only have my helper sleep with the kids when we are out of town, and for that we pay her overtime. I always got up with the baby (and my older daughter when she wakes up which happened a lot when she was 3.)
 
I read this with great interest. It amazes me just how much people here in HK rely on the help of Domestic Helpers.
Yes...I have a DH, but she does the housework & babysits occasionally, but I look after my 2 children who are 2 & 3 months. She is a HELPER and not a surrogate Mother.
I understand that you have to go out to work, but there needs to be a fine line between what you do as a Mother & what you expect your Helper to do.
As previous posts have mentioned, being a SAHM is just as tiring as holding a 9-5 job. When I move back to the UK next year, I won't have the joys of any Domestic Help and I will have to cook, clean, look after the kiddies & get up at night if they wake. I don't share a room with either of them - you should allow your Helper to at least have her own space - set up a baby monitor so she is able to tend to them should they wake.

Sorry...but you really should think yourself lucky and if you are too demanding, they will walk.
 
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