Am I too demanding??

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TwinsMom

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I have twin girls (1.5 yrs old) right now and got 2 DHs taking care of them everyday + my grandparents will come almost everyday to monitor, my 1st helper was really good, she will take initiative of doing the housework, telling story for the babies, and manage to teach the babies some commands...etc. However, she is old and her grandson's due date is in Aug this year, so she was planning to retire by March next year. My 2nd helper (she is a referral of my 1st helper's friend) but i was shock that her English is so poor, I can only understand 20% of her English.... but she can speak a little Cantonese. I am appreciated that she has a kind heart to my babies, I am sure she loves them but she also has too many shortcomings....

(1) Always close her eyes in anywhere, such as feeding milk (cannot hold the bottle properly and the baby cannot suck!), sitting in the car (but the baby was sitting next to her), when the babies playing on the floor (she was sit at the back wave toys but with her eyes closed..@@)
(2) She slept on my bed (when carrying my baby) while I was away from home to work
(3) She was picky on food! A lot of things that she won't eat (some kind of fish, goose, meat...etc). I think she serves herself like a guest rather than a helper... she will show a dark face if I bought her McDonald!
(4) She spent one hour to steam just one fish in the kitchen (that's for her dinner only, not for me), and I was exhausted by taking care of my twins at outside, i was so pissed by yelling to her asking "How many dishes of food are you preparing in the kitchen? 8 or 10?"
(5) Last week, both helpers and me are thinking when should start cooking for the babies as they were still sleeping, and my 2nd helper said (with smile) "maybe you'd better ask xxxx (my 1st helper) to cook, I don't know how to cook faster" --> What attitude was that?!
(6) When she taking care of the babies while they are playing on the mat, she will just sit down and speak nothing but watching at them (sometime with her eyes close) she seldom talks to the babies even though she can hear the babies ask her questions, such as "mama? baba?" she got no response at all....
(7) I have told her don't speak English to the babies (but she keeps saying), the reason was her English is too poor and even my 1st helper told me a funny conversation between the babies and her... She asked the babies "How many fingers on your toes?" and the babies was like "@.@"....
(8) She carried my baby on her chest and sleep over night on her bed (due to my girl easily wake up in the middle of the night, I guess she wants to have a better sleep so she don't want to bother by waking up so many times!) but i don't think it is good for my baby though!

I am thinking whether i should change my 2nd helper, the only thing that i appreciated her was her love to my babies and willing to work late but she also has too many shortcomings. I am worrying after my 1st helper's departure, she cannot manage the twins on her own, as I am not planning to have 2 helpers after the babies go to pre-nursery school by the end of this year.

Can anyone give me some advice here?
 
there is no way she can handle 2 babies.

BUT:

if she is expected to be up all night taking care of YOUR babies, then OF COURSE she's tired!!!
 
if she's doing night duty then ofcourse she's tired and sleepy during the day. twins are a handful aa such.

give her reasonable hours and see if her work is different.
 
Seems like there are a few issues you need to think about:

(1) Poor English/Cantonese

TwinsMom said:
My 2nd helper (she is a referral of my 1st helper's friend) but i was shock that her English is so poor, I can only understand 20% of her English.... but she can speak a little Cantonese.

(6) When she taking care of the babies while they are playing on the mat, she will just sit down and speak nothing but watching at them (sometime with her eyes close) she seldom talks to the babies even though she can hear the babies ask her questions, such as "mama? baba?" she got no response at all....

(7) I have told her don't speak English to the babies (but she keeps saying), the reason was her English is too poor and even my 1st helper told me a funny conversation between the babies and her... She asked the babies "How many fingers on your toes?" and the babies was like "@.@"....
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She can speak a little Cantonese and has poor English. Which language would you prefer? Indonesian? Tagalog? Maybe she doesn't communicate with your child because she doesn't want to be scolded? We've encountered this problem before and simply limited our child's interaction with the helper. She was just the housekeeper. Our son was encouraged to play on his own and we filled his time with activities outside the home with other kids of similar age. Dad also quit his job so that he could take care of our child (recently).

(2) Sleeping during work

TwinsMom said:
(1) Always close her eyes in anywhere, such as feeding milk (cannot hold the bottle properly and the baby cannot suck!), sitting in the car (but the baby was sitting next to her), when the babies playing on the floor (she was sit at the back wave toys but with her eyes closed..@@)
(2) She slept on my bed (when carrying my baby) while I was away from home to work

(8) She carried my baby on her chest and sleep over night on her bed (due to my girl easily wake up in the middle of the night, I guess she wants to have a better sleep so she don't want to bother by waking up so many times!) but i don't think it is good for my baby though!
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Are you aware that while you are at work, she's working too? On top of her day chores, she has to tend to your child while you rest so that you can get to work? Too demanding - Definitely! Ours is "forced" to be in her room by 8! We tell her that it's enough for the day as she needs to do her own thing and get ready for the next working day.

Just out of curiousity, why is she sleeping with your child? I'm a working mum and i have NEVER allowed my helper to care for my child as long as I'm at home! I put up with the lack of sleep and compensate with lots of caffeine. On the weekends, I sleep in or catch an arvo nap. Even now, pregnant with No. 2, i bring the pillows out to where my child is if I'm very exhausted, put on a DVD or litter the living room with toys as I watch my child.

Your helper sounds overworked. I was a SAHM for 5 months (without a helper) and I know how demanding it can be with just 1! Imagine twins! Take a page out of her day and revise your work schedule for her.

(3) Food Issues

TwinsMom said:
(3) She was picky on food! A lot of things that she won't eat (some kind of fish, goose, meat...etc). I think she serves herself like a guest rather than a helper... she will show a dark face if I bought her McDonald!
Click to expand...

We had one who was picky. And told her that she eats what we eat. If she's not keen on it, she can cook herself a simple dish with whatever raw ingredients we were using that day e.g. fried rice, instant noodles etc. as long as it didn't infringe on our meals.

(4) Snail's pace work

TwinsMom said:
(4) She spent one hour to steam just one fish in the kitchen (that's for her dinner only, not for me), and I was exhausted by taking care of my twins at outside, i was so pissed by yelling to her asking "How many dishes of food are you preparing in the kitchen? 8 or 10?"
(5) Last week, both helpers and me are thinking when should start cooking for the babies as they were still sleeping, and my 2nd helper said (with smile) "maybe you'd better ask xxxx (my 1st helper) to cook, I don't know how to cook faster" --> What attitude was that?!
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She's on island time. Can't change this. Experienced this. The only way I got around it was to help her in the kitchen or my husband would prepare the meals while she assisted. It is tiring but I just didn't want to end up a screaming banshee as after a long day's work.
 
thanks for the advise. Yes, understood that she is tired given the baby cannot sleep well at night, I am completely fine for her to sleep when the baby taking a nap during day time.

The babies will go to a full-time pre-nursery from 9am to 5pm at school, do you think one helper is capable of handling two by then?
 
forgot to say:

YOU are tired after taking care of your children for an hour while she cooks.... and yet you expect her to be ok taking care of your kids, cooking, cleaning AND being awake all night with YOUR kids???

that doesn't seem reasonable to me at all.
 
sorry, I missed out something here - during daytime, my grandparents will help to look after the babies so the helpers can do the housework, even my 1st helper also wondering why she keep staying in the kitchen for so long, I understand that different people have different way/method to cook but really need to take an hour to make some simple food? She takes around 45 mins for a shower though.

I said I was tired taking care of them was because we went to Ocean Park from 12-6pm at daytime, I keep carrying 2 babies all the way inside the park without a stroller (they refuse to sit down) and my other helper was on holiday on that day. That's why I was pissed of waiting for her in the kitchen cooking for an hour bcoz she don't want to eat instant noodles.

My husband is a frequent traveller so most of time will just have me + 2 helpers at home.
 
Dear TwinsMom

i think you are demanding a lot from one helper - to manage twins, your household and do the night shift. This is lot to handle for a stay at home mom let alone a helper.

Me and my husband both work and our helper take cares of our little girl (1 year old ), manages the house and take care of our dog but we don't let our helper do the night duty as we want here to be alert during the day and we let the little things slide such as cleaning is not what is used to be but it is fine she spends a great deal time taking care of my daughter which is the most important thing!

You mentioned that your daughters will be going to pre-nursery 9am to 5pm , if that is the case then yes you can manage with one helper but she will still need support and guidance from you.

By the way, just my thought 9am to 5pm for pre-nursery seems like such long hours for the little one.
 
9-5 is normal for local nurseries/kindergartens.

my son, and in september my daughter, attend local kindergartens. currently my son is in whole-day. we can drop off anytime between 8-8:45 and pick up anytime from 4-5:30. not much difference than going to daycare in the west.

as for your kids, i still think that you are asking a lot. carrying your kids for the whole day in ocean park is for another thread completely...but still...on days like that, we usually order something in... HOWEVER, if she was at home the entire time while YOU were at OP, then i would have words with her. there is no reason why, if you had called her to let her know you were on the way back, that dinner could not have been ready and on the table when you return.

i still don't think she can handle two kids by herself IF you expect her to cook, clean AND do night shift...
 
Thanks blingdiva. Yes, actually I have consulted the school/relatives before confirm sending them to a full day pre-nursery class, according to what they said - from an adult's view, seems cruel by putting the little one in the school for such long hours but from a baby's view, they enjoy of having people playing with them all the times. Not sure whether it is true but will try for one month and see how it goes.

In the meantime, lucky that they both enjoy playing with each other at home otherwise no one can really interact with them during daytime. That's why so many parents send their baby to playgroup? Let the baby interact with more people, I guess it is far better than playing on their own....
 
i think you have to prioritze what is important for you and or your family. having 2 helpers to manage household, cook & kids is doable, but only have 1 helper to do the same things is crazy. one thing i would ask you ask you to think about is that when you return home, that you take over completely and let the helper have some "down time" - it must be exhausting taking care of twins, especially when they are so young and need so much attention (when they get older, this will become MUCH easier for everyone).

in terms of cooking - perhaps you could have her make some stews that you could freeze and store and also a big pot of soup (both could last for at least a few days)

yes, you would not be eating fresh food all the time, but least it would only involve re-heating and perhaps stir frying some veggies, re-heating some soup and cooking rice...not too difficult. somethings got to give...
 
Twinsmom

I sent my child to a playgroup early because I'd rather have my child engaged in activities that doesn't require the helper. As a working mum, I feel less guilty with this arrangement than with the alternative of leaving a child with a helper. A helper is not going to do the same job I am or a nursery teacher would.
 
lesliefu - yes, of course they are sharing the job, i am not asking my 2nd helper to do everything, both of them sharing the job but just wondering why only my 2nd helper will fall asleep all the times.

I tried my best to back home as soon as I can, normally around 7pm or 7:30pm, and then I will take care of the twins on my own. I don't need them to prepare dinner for me AT ALL as I seldom eat dinner (just drink soup only), also by the time that i returned home, they both had dinner already.

During the weekend, i used to order take away coz I want to save their time & energy (as I said my no.2 helper takes too long in the kitchen and then my no.1 helper mainly take care of the twins), i don't mind they don't clean up the house everyday bcoz the babies are the 1st priority. Also, both of them don't need to go to the market bcoz my grandparents will take care of that every morning. Was that a really tough job?

TheQuasimother - yes, totally agreed, my girls are going to playgroup 3 times a week right now but I can only spend Sat with them (I am a working mom), however, when i was there, they cannot concentrate on the program bcoz both of them are fighting to have my company..., therefore the teacher recommended me to wait at outside and then let the helper to bring them in...
I am so glad that my babies like to stick with me rather than the helpers given I can only spend my evening time plus weekends with them, I love them more than anyone in this world, however, give up my job is an luxury, I have no choice but need to find a good helper to take care of them in the meantime.
 
twinsmom,

you came on here asking if people thought you were too demanding. you have had many responses that believe, yes, you are expecting too much from your helper.

every post you make has "more story" to it... it might be better for us if you gave us an idea of how your helpers spend their time... each separately, then try to come up with what you think is an acceptable schedule if you only have ONE helper.

my suggestion would be: take a week off work, send your helpers home for a holiday and see if YOU can follow the schedule you have outlined and how YOU feel at the end of the week. that is the ONLY way you can decide if what you are asking is too much and if you need one or two helpers.
 
I think your question of whether you are too demanding or not may actually not be the best question to ask - the real question is whether your helper is a good fit for you. I think she probably isn't, and if that is because she is overtired, that might be fair, but as you noted, your other helper has a lot more stamina so you know there are helpers out there who can do the job you require.

For example, my helper has a TON of energy, and as I was reading Cara's post above, I thought, nope, I could never do her job and not be exhausted! But I think of it this way, I have held jobs before where I had a boss who required a lot from me. And if I wasn't able to perform up to their expectations, it wasn't a good fit. Sometimes I might have thought a boss had very 'high' and maybe even unreasonable expectations, but I also learned that if I couldn't do my job, there was always someone else out there who was able to. So, I guess my point is that if you feel like your helper cannot perform to your expectations, you can probably find another helper who will. But, as many people commented in this post, you might not find that there are a lot of people with that kind of energy!

And, no, I don't personally think she should have been sleeping in your bed, holding the baby on her chest while sleeping (how dangerous! I hope the bed wasn't high up) or taking so long to cook something simple. I think it does sound like she is exhausted though, and probably took so long to cook her meal because she wanted some down time and cooking her meal was the only time she could get it. Also, she is probably not super happy with her job and therefore is more picky about food.

Do you want to develop a better relationship with this helper or just try to find one with more energy/experience? That depends on if you think these issues are resolvable. But one suggestion I have is to try to sleep train your twins. At 1.5 years old, they can probably sleep through the night from a physiological standpoint, and that might help both you and your helper to have the energy to get through the day. Good luck!
 
i'm sorry, but as far as i'm concerned, if you want your helper to take exceptional care of your children, then she MUST have her rest and NOT be constantly working.

one thing that i HAVE noticed about our own helper is that it DOES take her longer to do things than it would me...i figure it's because she thinks that if she finishes earlier you will think she doesn't have enough to do and give her more...whereas i know when I finish the work, i can relax...

something to think about.
 
the other thing to consider is that if the helper is too tired, she is likely to get sick more often which will mean that you will be taking more time off work.
 
Off topic - where are these full day pre-nursery places? I have been looking for them for some time with little luck. Please advise!
 
Thanks Ssheng! You are telling exactly what I am thinking right now!! (Thanks God finally someone can understand...)

In fact, the relationship between me and my helpers are good, she loves my girls, 3 of us always chit-chat and share the happiness about the babies, I will celebrate their birthdays, take them both to all kind of family celebration, buy gifts for their kids in special occassion....etc. I can say that they treat my girls like their own daughter.

So, here the point is, given my no.2 helper had been doing those inappropriate things out of my sight, I am worrying:

(1) Is she smart enough to take care of 2 babies after the babies go to school from 9-5 on weekdays? (she is definitely not a sensitive and smart person...)
(2) Her english is so poor, she cannot write proper english (and i don't know tagalog), if i ask her to go market in the future, can she really capable of managing the household expense?
(3) Communication - as i said, i can only understand 20% of her english or 30% of cantonese, i need to keep asking and confirm her answer few times to make sure that i get her words right... (in the meantime, my no.1 helper will translate - as they both speak tagalog).
(4) She slept on my bed once (told by my no.1 helper), so if no one at home after the babies are in school, what will she do in the house?

If you were me, will you find another helper or just simply keep her? She already told me that she wants to renew her contract.
 
If I were you, I would just find another helper. Regardless of if you are asking too much, or if she is an overtired worker, obviously you are not match for each other.

Just look for another one. You may get a chance to find a person that suit your needs, and your 2nd helper may be able to find work with someone less demanding that would also suit her better.
 
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