working vs stay at home

H

hkmom1

Registered User
Hi,

I'm currently working full time and I have a 6 months old son. I'm considering quitting and staying at home as my job situation is not great and I'd like to spend more time with him. I wanted to hear from other moms who's left the work force to see if you had regrets? Or if you've since returned back to work if that was difficult?
 
I returned to work at a global investment bank from maternity leave when my son was 8 months old. it didn't work out for me. I felt like a failure at everything. I wasn't doing my job as well as I used to and I wasn't spending enough time with my son. I lasted 4 months and then quit. I have no regrets. to me these early years in my childrens' lives is much more important than my career. I look forward to going back to work one day but it won't be at an investment bank and it won't be any time soon.

good luck. its a tough decision and the right decision is different for everybody.
 
I'm also struggling a lot lately as working in HK in particular is so tough. My collegues sometimes don't leave work till 3:30am. I used to do part time in Aussie and loved it(I called it a balanced life). However part time jobs here are hard to come by.

I really want to spend more time with my kids, especially their education now calls for more attention. However, I took almost a year off when we first moved here and I was extremely bored...I needed to keep my mind active, which can only be fulfilled by working alongside other people. I think it's the companionship that I'm in desperate need of.

Working full time with two young kids in a most tough working environment is an enormous amount of challenge to me. However, I've decided to take it up; and will try to squeeze as much time as I can to be with my children...

I really, really need a part time job!:missu:
 
i returned to work when my son was 4 months old. Now he is almost turning 9 months. I struggle almost everyday. Every morning I had to do this "self talk" to uplift my spirit (or brain wash myself if you wish to call it this way). I even told my boss about it. He is in need of me cos I am here to replace his "right hand" who will leave the post in June. But I am really struggling everyday, esp when my viewcam on my iphone isn't working and the weather fluctuates so much lately... Physically i find it hard to cope too. My face is pale all the time, and I feel lack of energy to have to hold my giant baby. I took almost 2 years off until returning to work, and enjoyed every moment. Unlike some ladies I actually is the lazy type - I enjoy off work a lot! I do classes before returning to work. Guess I am just too greedy, want the best of both worlds. Or too coward to quit job, fearing I may never be able to enter the workforce again. Also may felt like a loser, having to quit, unable to manage only one baby.

Aussie mom, how did you do it - quit job after 4 months - what happened and what gave you the courage?
 
I returned to work when my baby was 3 months (he's 7 months now). I work in a high adrenalin and intensive investment job that also requires travelling overseas. It's been tough and I'm certain I'm not as good as I used to be at my job because I'm not 100% into it and I'm not as willing as before to put in the hours. Everyday I try to rush home by 730pm (which is considered early in my job) and spend about 30 minutes to an hour with my baby. Nobody understands my disappointment when I reach home to find him already asleep.

If you have the choice and since your job "is not great" as you described, why not?

Or you can take 1 or 2 weeks off to do a "SAHM trial". I did that for 10 days (no helper, only me, my baby and my husband sometimes helping). At least I'm convinced that I'm able to handle it. I only have to convince myself about losing the security of my income and the possibility of never earning this level of income in the future should I stop work for 2 to 3 years. For me, I wanted to be sure this decision is for me as I do not want to blame it my child should I regret the decision for whatever reason in the future. So I'm still hanging on for now.

Good luck in your decision-making process. It's certainly a tough one.
 
I have just made my decision - a difficult decision: quit a promising job with bright prospect and more money and returned to work for my previous employer (Thanks God my previous employer is willing to take me back!!!) The decision was really hard to make because the job with my previous employer (well, they are my current employer again!) is quite a dead-end job, i.e. steady income, hardly any pressure, very loose boss which means I can come late and leave early or even 'home-office' when I need it. Career prospect is not much, or even none. The reason I chose to accept a more promising job is because I think I should make a go at my career while I am still young (I am 34, which is the age I think I should really be serious about building my career before it is really too late). OK, I went to work at the new office for few days and I realised something wrong there - nothing wrong with the company, problem with myself not being able to accommodate to the situation. For the new job, I need to leave house an hour earlier than before, i.e. by 7:30am and get home, the earliest, 7:30pm (if I am not required to work overtime. But the fact is that I will be required to work overtime). Then, the new office does not allow any "flexibility". They don't allow you to be late for 2 hours because simply you need to take your sick baby to see a doctor; they don't allow an afternoon off because for some reason nobody can look after your kid for a half day (unless you formally apply for an annual leave). When you are unwell and need to pop out to see a doctor, you need to submit a form to the HR department for approval...etc. I know thousands of people work under this kind of environment, but sorry, I can't, not when I become a mother having a little baby at home. The fact that I leave home in the morning so early that I can't even see my baby waving goodbye to me hurt me enough; the thought of not being able to 'fly' home to see him when he is sick and in need of me; and the thought of not being to take him to see a doctor and give him lots of hugs before I leave him for work really 'freaks me out'. Struggle is there: Do I need a job with good prospect and good money but sacrifice my time with my baby? NO NO NO. My baby was sick for nearly two weeks during the CNY holidays and I have 'home-office' for 3 days. My previous employer has no problem with it, as I am still working but only not in the office. He understands my son needs me and he understands how worrying I would be. This is the boss / the company I need.

And, I am planning on a baby No 2 in 1~2 years. With TWO little babies at home, I know I have made the right decision to move back to my previous company working for a boss with flexibility.

Some women are very career-minded and ambitious and they chose to leave their kids with helper ALL DAY and feel alright. When I decided to resign from the new company, I told the Head of HR (a woman) the reason. She said, "be a working woman, you have to be cruel with your kids. You can leave him with your helper all day so it should be ok as at least you know your kid has someone to look after him." Well, having someone to look after my baby is one thing; being able to be with him when he needs me is another thing.

I don't think some women can be a full-time mum; but I think the best situation would be either 'work part-time' or find a company/a boss who can offer some flexibility.
 
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I left my banking job when we moved to hk before my baby was born. I have been thinking about going back to work but I know I do not want the same job I had before with the long hours. On the other hand, I will not take a job that is too easy and pays too little as the opportunnity cost is spending time with my son so it gotta be worth it. That said, maybe I will never find a suitable job here! Making a change requires courage and support from you husband would help a lot!
 
What I think is, the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.

I returned work from maternity leave when my baby is 2months old. I then quit work when the baby was 6months old. Not because I wanted to be a SAHM (I never wanted to be a SAHM, I love my job), it was because we had to fire our helper who lied to us immediately, thus I had to quit my job immediately and even had to pay the company 2 months salary (!!!) in lieu of 2months notice. We cannot find a suitable helper since then.

I cried most of the days after I quit my job. I don't like staying at home. It makes me feel like a failure cuz I am not supporting my family financially. I have no satisfaction here, days are boring, same routine day after day. My brain is stiff, I am losing my professional knowledge as well as my social skills. I want to go back to work so desperately but just noone take care of the baby.

It's really difficult to me, because I am young (27), I have just finished my master degree education a year before I quit my job (feels like a waste now that I cannot use what I learnt), and my job's (I think in any job) prospect grows and your salary increases with your experiences. I work in the medical field, and we all know medical technology advances everyday, if you are out of the field for 1 year, it feels like you are left behind for 10 years.

I think what's the most difficult for me is that I have no SAHM friends, basically my friends are either single, or newly wed with no kids, or have kids but working full time. I have noone in the same boat with me that can share with me and understand me. So, hkmom1, before you quit your job, please think carefully and make sure you have a support network to help you go thru the transition period and adjusting your new life.
 
Wow, it seems that HK is missing out on a lot of good workers by not offering more flexible hours.

Gladys - I think you will find that your stay at home experience will improve significantly if you make friends who are in the same situation. Perhaps reach out to some of the mums at your child's activities - eg. panda junction, etc.
 
I've given my notice to my colleagues that I wont be returning after the baby's born, and they don't understand why. I work with local Hong Kong moms and dads who don't talk to me about raising the child as much as, "how to get a good helper". But I don't want a helper for the first year at least.

I'm proud of my stance, but I sure feel like the odd duck.
 
I used to work at an investment job 18 months ago, but was involuntarily retrenched one week after returning from my 6 month maternity leave for my 2nd son. Guess the company was not as family friendly for him as after my 1st one, where I took 4 month maternity and another six months of "flex-time", where I worked full-time from 7am to 4pm. Returning to work full-time after my first for tough, especially as I was still 100% breastfeeding (not pumping, as the baby wouldn't take the bottle) but I would rush back at lunchtime to give him a feed. It was exhausting and I can't believe what I had put myself through to keep working. As the hours I spent away from home meant that I didn't nurse him as frequently during the day, he would wake up more at night to feed. The irony is that with the second, he was a better sleeper, took the bottle and I was better rested, but I didn't have to go back to work!

It took me months to feel comfortable being a stay-at-home mom. Moving to Hong Kong helped, as I had to be the one to make all the arrangements, so that kept me busy. My husband had always been supportive of my choice to work, but I didn't realize until I was not working how happy he was that I became a stay-at-home mom. He would rather than we continue to live below our means, even on a reduced income, and for me to be better rested and less stressed. As one working mom put it best, she feels like she's being a 70% employee and 70% mom and feeling guilty about both all the time. He makes a point (and trains the children, I think) to tell me that he thinks I'm being a great wife and mother. However, now that we're on one income, we need to be flexible as a family to accommodate his work demands - and as a result, will probably be moving every few years. Getting the family settled (accommodations, healthcare, schooling, immigration, documentation, church, etc.) is now my full-time job!
 
OX Jess I can totally relate with your situation. I just turned down a better paying job because it wouldn't have been able to provide the flexibility I needed.

I think if you can afford it financially, why not be a stay at home mum. If you feel you are not making use of your talents, try to think of a way to channel them into other types of activities and pursuits that still leave you time to raise your child.

Unfortunately, it seems that mothers who take time out to raise their children continue to be penalised when they try re-enter the workforce. I read an article recently where someone in that situation was told in an interview "You have young kids, so just stay at home. Mums with young kids are just not committed to working hard."
 
I work because I have to financially - we are here in HK with my job. That said, I get tremendous satisfaction from my role and after mat leave with 2 kids, I don't think I would be entirely suited to being a SAHM full time.

From a career and $ perspective, I should be exploring other options and what's available in the market. However, I've decided not to do that - I have good working conditions where I am that are conducive to raising my children and I'm not sure any amount of more money could compensate for that. Promotion prospects are not great either, but again, I'm not sure any promotion would outweigh the flexibilty.

I am pretty thankful I am here in HK, in any other country the commute would cut down on the time I do get to spend with my kids and I would probably have to put them into childcare instead of having great help in my own home.

If money were not an issue, I think I would explore something entrepenurial. A small business that could be run flexibly around the kids. Enough to make me feel productive and fire my imagination!
 
mcdill said:
I read an article recently where someone in that situation was told in an interview "You have young kids, so just stay at home. Mums with young kids are just not committed to working hard."
Click to expand...

This is so not correct. It's discrimination!
 
well, i HAVE two businesses that are supposed to be "flexible", and they are to a certain extent.

hubby runs a dog boarding service in our home, so he's around a lot during the day. there are times of the year that he's very busy and we don't see him all day, even though he's just downstairs. other times, he's only got a few dogs and can take some time off during the day for trips to ocean park, the library, a museum etc with the kids.

i run a playgroup centre. originally, my plan was to take my kids with me to the classes that i taught, however, now, i just don't have space in the classes. they are too full (not a complaint!!!). i now have staff and the schedule of classes is expanding, which is great. the problem is that the actual in-class teaching is the easy part (for me)... the planning, administration etc takes me probably 40-60 hours per week. everything comes down to my planning, my ideas etc (which is great, but it is quite a lot of pressure).

what causes even more pressure is that neither of us(hubby nor i) have regular income. THAT is the most difficult part of it all. our money comes in in dribs and drabs and that can make budgeting/bill paying a little difficult at times.

there are times that i really wish i could be a SAHM, but i KNOW that i am much happier with what i am doing now. i like the stimulation that work provides, even though it is still child-centred.

i KNOW that being your own boss often means putting everything you have (time, energy, money) into your job. if what you do fails, you have nothing left to fall back on.

whatever you decide to do, it is a different decision for everyone. what is right for me, may not be right for you and visa versa. the ONLY thing that matters is that YOU are comfortable with your decision.
 
MayC,

I really feel for you! Maybe could loosen up a little on the cleaning (once a fortnight, or half a day in the weekend?)

Cooking for self is usually tiring with all the hassle and cleaning, so I suggest some dinner boxes or cooking large batches like different stews and pasta sauces etc and freeze them. Pack them in ready to eat one-meal portions and then microwave/steam them up!

Some part time cleaning service works wonders. Even if it's just once a month.

I hope you would get more rest soon! =)
 
Mcdill: I need to work for very practical financial reason even if I am stuck in a not-much-prospects job. My husband earns more or less the same as me so we simple cannot afford to have 50% family income cut off. Money is not everything but you DO need some...

MayC: I get worn out just by reading what you have to do on top of looking after your baby. Go and think serious about getting part-time cleaning service, something like coming to your flat 3 times a week. They are not that expensive and they can unload so much household chores off your shoulder. Looking after a baby after work is tiring enough, don't over exhaust yourself or else you will fall ill and won't be able to take a good care of your child.

I am lucky because my husband is willing to take care of 90% of the daily housework & cooking, which allows me to pay full attention to care for my baby. I am very grateful to him. But now and again he gets tired after work so we will order some takeaways and leave the housework for the next day. No need to stretch yourself to the extreme! If my husband were unable to take care of the housework, I would certainly get a cleaning service!

Going back to the subject of being a stay-home mum or a full-time working mum. If you are stuck in making a decision between two, I think you can consider the followings:-
(1) First, be practical and think about your family financial situation. In my situation, as said above, I MUST work. Stay-home mum is not on a possible agenda. So my consideration will then jump to (2) what kind of a job I think suitable. I am lucky (again) to have an employer with easy-going mind, offering lots of flexibility. My job nature allows home-office to a certain extent.
Then, what you need to consider is your "personality". If you know you won't be happy without a career, then DON"T quit your job. Continue to work or else you will be extremely unhappy and frustrated in a long run. If you are like me, despite having my mother to look after my son I must insist having at least an hour or so every day to play/talk with my son. In that case, a job requiring me to leave home so early and come home so late does not suit me at all. Some women are perfectly ok to leave their baby to a caregiver all day & night. I am not.

But, don't think being a stay-home mum is easy. If you don't have a family / social network, you may find it hard to get through the day. I have taken a two weeks off from work during the Chinese New Year and spent every minute with my son for two whole weeks. No joking, I was on several occassions on the verge of losing my temper (of course regretted it right afterwards) when I had to deal with a very difficult baby: crying non-stop, refusing all kinds of food/milk, refusing to sleep, wanting to be carried all the time...etc. But I am lucky I have my family here and some friends around to share some ups & downs. If you have no one around, you are literally caged at home all day with a baby, which means you may not have anyone to talk to for all day. This can drive you nuts! I believe, either option has their pros & cons. Good luck with your choice, ladies, I know it's never easy.
 
Hi all,
I quit my job after I decided to have a baby. I wanted to 'be there' esp the early years. Being a sahm is tough.. My days are boring. Gone are the days when I am so busy I couldn't have lunch, reward myself by buying things I like.. sometimes I look at my friends and I wonder if quitting my job then was worthed it, and imagined where I would be if I had stayed on. Of cos on good days with my children, I would feel it's the right choice. On days when they are so unreasonable, I would feel differently.

My major projects now are cooking, cleaning, taking care of children and grocery shopping. Without a helper, it's really quite alot to do.. But i feel empty. I begin to feel that my world is no longer relevant. One day, I realized my conversation with my husband was about comparing grocery prices between supermarkets..can u imagine his boredom?! I graduated with honours, now I am doing this job!

I guess there are no perfect solution to this. Women have to bear the consequences of childbirth- either stay at home, enjoy the kids and wonder what else you could have done with your life. Or, work, and feel guilty about not spending enough time with kids.
 
Either decision you make will be very tough. Throughout my career I have done both. I am now a stay at home mum with two children. It was not an easy decision to make as I loved my job but in the end I had to choose the one that made my feel less guilty.

I am very lucky that we are in a financial position where I can choose to stay at home while the children are young, and as my husband's job requires him to travel a lot the children have the stabililty of knowing that I will be here for every bed time etc.

I look forward to returning to work some time in the future but for now I consider this to be the best job for me.
 
sorry, guys... for those of you "slaving away" being a SAHM and hating it, all because you feel guilty if you work...

don't you think it is better for your children to see a happy, well adjusted mother, who is self-sufficient and fulfilled in what she chooses to do than a bored, resentful woman who hates staying at home and feels useless???

no matter what you do, you will feel guilty. personally, i think it is FAR better for children to grow up with the former rather than the latter.

(if you are happy and fulfilled staying at home, good for you! this is not a slam against you, rather directed at the women staying home because they feel they 'HAVE TO' whether it be because their husband, society, family or she herself thinks it necessary.)
 
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