why would my 20 month old daughter keep saying "no" and push others away?

M

maibubuu

New member
My daughter didn't have this problem before she attended the playgroups. She got bullied and pushed down by other children before and now she seems to be really paranoid when she sees strangers walking by. I don't know what i should do to make her stop doing this
 
That's very normal! Ha! My daughter is 20-months-old as well and she LOVES to say "NO!" and push others away--especially her brother. She started doing this sort of thing when she was about 12-14-months-old.

I'm not sure that your daughter getting "pushed down" at a playgroup constitutes "bullying." I guess it depends on how that happens but that's a normal thing that children do to each other--especially if they're competing for toys at playtime. It's just a developmental stage that children often go through--where they become protective of their personal space and things. I wouldn't worry about it at all.

Every child is different. My son never really went through that stage because he didn't really mind if other children took toys he was playing with--he was friendly and willing to share and more relaxed about it but my daughter is definitely all about defending her personal space!
 
yes, i agree with thanka... a 20 month old is not capable of bullying. they just don't understand that their actions have consequences yet.
 
my 20 month old son is the same, everything is NO but I have to admit, the number of yes is creeping up too now that he can understand / express himself slightly better.

For the last couple of months, we have noticed that he hits / pushes other toddlers and babies (sometimes adults) despite zero provocation from the poor victims. The first time I witness the scene, I was totally horrified and now I try my best to pre-empt his action and hope to intervene (ususally by distraction) before the deed.

I understand (and hope and pray) this is a phase the toddler will eventually grow out of but finding ourselves in the midst of this is actually driving me crazy, the constant need to be aware of who his next victimes might be, the constant apologies to the parents and the looks of disapproval like we are bad parents is just too much to bear.

Sorry to hijack this thread but would appreciate any advice from parents who have experienced the same and useful tips on how we should deal with situation like these....
 
you have nothing to be embarrassed about. if other parents see that you are doing something about it, ie) trying to teach your son a better way, they can hardly complain.

make sure, though that you teach your son to apologise, not only do it yourself!
 
Thank Carang for the reassured words...I am afraid to date we have only come across a handful of parents who seem to understand what we are going through, majority of them do look at us as if terrible parents.

I do make him look in the eyes of the other toddlers and say he is sorry but once I turn my back, he is back at it again, it's like saying sorry doesnt mean anything or maybe he is too young to understand still...

I am 34 weeks pregnant and I was hoping we would have his temperament under control by now but I guess it will take some time and I need to watch him like a hawk when he is around his sister!
 
I would be really careful about the "pre-emptive" stuff....because children really do need to experience for themselves the consequences of their actions. They need to learn that when they hit and push they may be hit or pushed back or other children may cry and that they will be disciplined. It's tempting to try to prevent "embarrassment" by never letting our children make those mistakes. But, not only is it nerve-wracking for the parents, it's actually not very healthy socially for the children.

And I agree with Cara, teach your child to feel the consequences of his actions and apologize. Make him aware that when he is aggressive it hurts others. Don't just pick up his messes for him because that is a precedent you don't want to set.

It's really normal for children to go through these types of stages and as long as you're aware and working with your child to teach him, you're doing the right thing.
 
Thanka2 - thanks for pointing out the pre-emptive thing. My husband's action is more in line with what you said, her always take the wait and see approach before stepping in and does the damage control.

I have to admit, I find this quite stressful and I seriously hope this phase will be behind us very soon.
 
of course, he's still too young to really understand. my 5 & 7 year old are still grappling with understanding that saying sorry means you won't do it again....it takes a long time for kids to truly comprehend that their actions have consequences and you are talking about a child who hasn't even been on this earth for 2 full years yet!
 
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