When to tell people...

S

Sapphire40

Registered User
I'm just over 4 weeks pregnant through IVF, it's been a challenging time so I have not been investing in friends and family for fear of that dreaded 'how's it going?' question, normally citing house moving, work busy etc. People are aware that I have been doing fertility treatment for the last few months and now on the first IVF cycle, but I am at the point where (as happened at dinner the other day) I can't keep making up excuses as it will have been the longest IVF cycle ever but feel its too soon to say anything.

2 things - firstly, I am having trouble believing it - was really sick last week but this week feeling normal as the IVF treatment bloating and other effects are worse than being pregnant (either that or the eating sh*t loads of protein worked) and secondly I am worried that things could go wrong in the next couple of months as I am older so technically its a while until the safe period. Perhaps I am in denial or fear of jeopardising things! Also I could potentially have twins as two embryos were implanted.

I haven't even told my family yet, we were contemplating waiting until 6 weeks which is next week.

Anyone got advice/experience etc?

Confused, thanks! :-)
 
they say that 12 weeks is "safe" to tell people with a natural pregnancy(not sure about IVF)... but my sister-in-law didn't work out that way. they phoned everyone to tell them the happy news only to have to call everyone back 2 days later when she lost the baby.

i'm not saying that to add to your worries, but only to say that even if you hold off, something may happen.

my advice: the best time to tell everyone is when you are ready to. it isn't really anyone's business except yours and hubby's... so the news should be spread only when you both agree and are ready.

oh, and CONGRATULATIONS!
 
would agree with carang - no need to deny the rumours, but wouldn't make an announcement just yet - i waited till 20weeks to tell people cause i was SO freaked out something would happen...i don't know - whenever you are ready really. we told close family earlier than friends and they didn't leak the word to anyone...maybe that could be a plan?

congrats! :)
 
i was lucky... i was so excited, i would have shouted it from the rooftops if i'd been able to! when i look back now, i'm glad that all went relatively well for me. :)

also, to clarify, my SIL waited until 12 weeks to tell and lost the baby before she got to 13 weeks.
 
With my first natural (non IVF) pregnancy I only told the "need-to-knows" (doctor, husband, close friend who helped me find a doctor etc.) in the beginning. I was about 5-6 weeks pregnant when I found out. Then I started to have signs of miscarriage--spotting etc. That freaked me out. From thereon, I chose not to tell anyone--even our families until I really "had to" (was really, really showing). It was about 3 months before I told my mom--I had the opportunity to travel to where she lives on Mother's Day so I decided to do so then. I was probably 5 months pregnant when everyone else knew. I just didn't feel comfortable with telling people early.

With my second pregnancy, I was so happy and excited that at about 7-8 weeks I told everyone and had a miscarriage about a week later.

So, with my third pregnancy, I again waited until much later--probably 3-5 months before I started telling everyone. I actually was hired by a new company right after I fell pregnant and I didn't even tell my bosses I was pregnant until about 4-5 months later! Thankfully they responded well!

Keeping quiet about the pregnancy was mainly for my protection as I had suffered the pain of "getting my hopes up" with the previous pregnancy and I really believe that when I started telling others it made the pregnancy very real to me--it wasn't so much about them or how they would feel if I lost the baby but more about keeping things intimate and private to lessen the blow of pain and disappointment in case I lost the baby again.

So, if I was in your shoes, I would continue to focus inward. Sometimes in life are for being outgoing and open about everything and some times are more contemplative or reflective and you legitimately have a reason to not be a social butterfly at this point. Your body is going through something really major and I can't imagine the emotions as well. So, if I was in your shoes, I would select 1-2 very close friends (who have tight lips) and when you feel the time is right you can share with them--maybe someone who has already gone through the IVF journey--just someone to share things with. And for the rest of the friends and family--it's not going to hurt them or kill them not to know you're pregnant right away. I know people who wait a long, long time. I know people who keep their pregnancies secrets until after the baby is born--like they avoid everyone. Everyone deals with pregnancy different and all are legitimate and useful ways.

Hope all goes well for you.
 
Hi Sapphire40,

First of all, congrats!

After the grief of MC a few years ago, we didn't start telling anyone about this pregnancy until I was 4 months. And even then it was only parents and siblings. Now I'm coming to 5 months, we've started telling friends who we feel are most supportive and genuine although we expect the news will soon spread to others.

We've gone private and have quite regular scans for more reassurance for this pregnancy.

I agree with Carang,....tell whoever you want whenever you feel you want to (unless you have a legal obligation to tell your employer). You should not feel pressured to tell anyone. After all, when you're ready to start telling anyone, if they really care or are a true friend, they should be more happy to hear the news than make an issue of not being told earlier.

I agree with thanka2,...you will have enough on your mind with other worries during pregnancy. Keeping a positive mind and positive support is what you need.

Interestingly, not sure if it's a common cultural thing, but I know a few local Hong Kong mothers who didn't tell people about their pregnancy until 6 months. They said it was because that's when they feel the pregnancy is more stable.

Anyway, best wishes for you and your bump :)
 
Hi everyone,

Thanks for the replies, really helpful. I am concerned about getting through the first trimester safely. The biggest thing for me would have been explaining the obvious signs (putting on weight) as right after the implantation I ballooned and was very bloated and uncomfortable for days. That has since subsided, but I am bigger than normal (probably half a stone heavier since I started treatment) and have had to buy some bigger clothes already mainly due to the drug effect (still having to inject progesterone daily) and find I cant eat big meals as I just expand! Luckily my friends who know about the IVF are about to go away on holiday (there are about 4 of them) and then we go away so by the time we get back it will be 3 months so almost safe. Its how you explain away the 'showing' and the 'alcohol abstinence' (I am known for my love of a good sauvignon blanc), but actually apart from work, I can probably manage other people.

Anyway, thanks for all your input, really appreciate it.
 
I would just like to add another perspective. I had ivf and two of my best friends knew both times-the first one i had mc and because they knew i could rely on their support-the second time i was a mental freak with the stress and talking to them helped me get thru the first 12 weeks. I wouldnt tell everyone(and i didnt) till the first 12 weeks passed buth the two friends and my closest family knew.Congratulations on your pregnancy I know how taxing your ivf must have been so fingers crossec it is all good news from now on!!!
 
Thanks Alfa - at the moment I can't bring myself to tell anyone. I've told my best friend who lives in the US and obviously my husband but that's it. I kind of feel that i might jinx it otherwise and I'm possibly still a bit in denial. I walk around thinking 'OMG I'm pregnant, that is so weird' but I feel normal. I'm paranoid people are going to guess. I think telling people will make it seem very real which it doesn't at the moment, and then I am not sure I could deal with the interest at the moment. I had 2 IUIs before this and neither of them worked, the first one devastated me, so I want to be able to manage my reaction if things go wrong. But in the meantime, I am trying to project happy and positive thoughts.

Thanks :-)
 
It took me 5 years to get pregnant. When I found I was pregnant at 7 weeks, I only told 2 friends living overseas. They were a pillar of support for me.

Throughout the months, we slowly shared the news to 4 other friends after the 4th month, again all lives overseas apart from 1, based in Hong Kong. We didn't tell our families and other friends until our daughter was born. Needless to say, they were shocked but happy upon hearing the news.

Just do what you feel comfortable.... and Congratulations!!
 
Thank you! I guess what feels comfortable is not sharing it with people at the moment, it feels way too soon. We go back to the Uk at the end of august which will almost be 3 months so I might tell people then (providing all has gone well).
 
inkmink: how in the world did you manage to keep it from your mum? i could not have done that.... i found my mother to be the most supportive person i had, after my husband...but at least my mum had been through it twice...
 
It was difficult as I had all these questions I wanted to know but had to fight myself from picking up the phone. My relationship with my family aren't exactly close where you communicate often but is based on "unspoken" love - the Asian way. And we were on our own in Hong Kong, only moved here then, so it was "easy" to not let the world know.

I had a lot on my plate to deal with then and last thing I need was additional task in sorting whatever they need if/when they come over.

Actually, I am currently 6 months pregnant with my 2nd. This time, we told both our families around 3.5 months and some friends at 4.5 months. I just didn't want or feel comfortable the first time round but this time, I was ready to share the news earlier.
 
wow! i could never have kept it secret! LOL! but then again, i talk to my mum everyday... sometimes twice/day! (even though she's in canada!)

**not saying you were wrong or judging you... more like judging myself... i am currently trying to keep the surprise 65th birthday party i am planning for my mum a secret... and having a very, very difficult time! LOL!**
 
Congrats! Ours is an IVF baby, too. And now she's a healthy, happy tot. Best of luck to you.
My parents knew right away, since I am very close to them. But other that them and my husband, I told nobody the first two months.
At 12 weeks, I told my boss, who I am also close to and have worked with for many years.
I didn't tell my colleagues till I was 4 months and showing.
I told friends at around that time, when people started to notice.
There's no rush to tell people. It's less stressful in the beginning if you just take it easy and keep it private.
There will be plenty of time later for people to gush over your pregnant belly!
 
As someone who's had children, I know that I don't like to tell until 13 weeks or so. As such, when friends and colleagues start exhibiting possible pregnancy behavior, I just ignore it - I figure people will tell me what they want to tell me when they want to tell me. As such, perhaps some of your friends will just let you go along despite their suspicions. For others, if you aren't really ready to talk, I've often employed the "husband drama" tactic, where I drop hints about ficticious fights we have, etc (which was easy given the state of my hormones). Of course, this only works if hubby is willing to play along. Drop in a mid summer cold (my pregnancy symptoms were cold like and in fact, I thought my second pregnancy was the world's longest cold) with complaints about air con during HK summer and those who aren't really paying close attention will probably be deflected. Those who are paying attention will hopefully take your hints. But to each their own - I didn't want to tell people but I didn't feel like I could just drop off the face of the earth so I went with trying to throw sand in people's eyes.

And most importantly, congrats and best wishes!!!
 
Thanks! On the telling my mum front - she's not very maternal so we arent close, closer to my dad to be honest but they live abroad so I speak to them about once a month/once a fortnight. I suspect if we were in the same country they would know. I also have felt a bit disappointed by the lack of support from my family during the whole IVF process, another reason for not sharing the news yet. I used to train a lot and dont any more, so at least one person has already asked my husband if I am pregnant. I'm telling people I am just taking time to get back into it after a shoulder operation and 'have had a virus' recently (code for IVF). I'm going to go with the 'throwing sand in people's eyes' for now although some of my friends here who know about the IVF will guess when I see them and they start asking how I am (although luckily many are away for 2-3 weeks). I also just have to accept that I'm going to get noticeably bigger so people at work might guess as well. Thanks for the advice and support!
 
If you're out socially and trying to "throw sand", then always eagerly accept alcohol. Even ask for it! (No one is ever fooled by the "I'm on antibiotics" excuse!). Take a sip (or pretend sip) or two, say, "Mmmm, this is a great wine/beer/cocktail," then put it down as close to your husband's glass as possible and let him finish it off when no one's looking. Or if you're in a crowded bar, then just 'lose' it somewhere and pretend you drank it.
 
First of all, congratulations!

Secondly - this is such a personal issue that there's no "right" or "wrong", but I just thought I'd share my experience...

I've had three pregnancies - the first, it took a year to conceive and then just when I started looking into fertility doctors etc, I fell pregnant naturally. I told everyone as soon as I knew and was happy doing so. I had a healthy, non-eventful pregnancy and a healthy baby girl at the end of it.

The second pregnancy, like the first, I told everyone right away and literally days later (less than a week) suffered a miscarriage. In theory, I liked that people were understanding and supportive - although I did feel a bit foolish having to "take back" my news right away.

The third pregnancy was just a few months after my miscarriage, and due to that, I decided to wait until 13 weeks this time. I announced my pregnancy right at 13 weeks, and again just a week later, we found out that we had complications in the pregnancy. At the time, it was very scary - we weren't sure what the outcome would be. In this pregnancy, I wished that I had told everyone sooner so that we could have celebrated the pregnancy before complications arose. My 2nd daughter was born with a rare form of dwarfism and is currently a very healthy nearly 2 year old - although during the pregnancy, we weren't sure if she'd survive.

When it's all said and done, while most miscarriages do happen in the first 13 weeks, there are always risks and after my experiences, I think I'd still want to tell everyone early rather than later. That way, they can be with you for the journey and all the ups and downs that are on the way. Just my experience :)
 
Thanks Honkyblues and Nicolejoy,

I told my husband about the drinking strategy, and he looked alarmed and said "But then I'm drinking more than double' :-) not sure what that says about my wine consumption but I thought it was a pretty good strategy! Will definitely try it.

I'm now almost 6 weeks, we had a scan this morning and turns out I am carrying twins so the reality is I will get bigger more quickly, and be able to do less. I was excited when I found out this morning and did find myself actually wanting to tell people so i am going to talk it through with my hubby. His boss already knows anyway as he had to explain the last minute date change for the appointment. My hubby has also noticed that I am not making an effort to see people or keep in touch as much as I used to as I want to avoid the questions but it does mean I am isolating myself somewhat.

There is the element of telling everyone and then things going wrong, fingers crossed but as you've pointed out, Nicole, there are risks regardless. I might wait until 9 weeks, when most of my friends are back from hols and I'll be seeing more of them so it will be hard to avoid, as they know about the IVF (already had one email asking how its going this morning) which sometimes makes me feel like a circus act - everyone is watching to see what happens next.

Thanks for all the advice.
 
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