When should my mom and MIL come to visit?

[fusciaskies]

Hi ladies, I am in my second trimester and planning when I'd like my mom and MIL to visit when the baby is born. I've been reading some of the older posts and some of you ladies have said that when the first baby arrives, it's a very special time for the hubby, mom and the baby and it may be better to spend some quality time together privately before having the grandmothers visit. Any thoughts and experiences on this? Is it helpful for them to be there right at the birth to help out (I will have hired a helper by then) or do you recommend having them visit a few weeks after when things have settled down a bit. Also, how long is a reasonable amount of time for them to visit?

 

[alfa]

Id give a couple of weeks to figure things out for yourself.The last thing you want is too many pairs of hands and opinions.I actually experienced the fights between the grandparents over who should hold the baby etc. On day 4 of their visit i locked myself in my bedroom and ordered them to leave the house and go somewhere for a day-yes hormones were running high at that point I really cherished the first 4 days my husband and i had with the baby.Newborns require very little but sleep and food and yiu will do great on your own.I was freaking out before the birth and then it all just kicked in and sorted itself out.

 

[carang]

most definitely a few weeks later.

you and hubby have been a couple for a while and the two of you need to learn how to be a family without the well-meaning interferance of grandma's and how they used to do things. you two need to learn how you will do things.

my mum not coming for the birth was a great gift that i didnt appreciate until long afterwards.

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[carang]

sorry should read grandmas....but cannot correct on mobile.

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[carang]

how long they visit depends on where they are coming from & your relationship with them.

i can handle my mum for a month or more, but my MIL drives me crazy within a couple of hours....;-)

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[rani]

I would also wait a few weeks. We had visitors at 2 weeks, and in hindsight it was too early as it took me a while to get the hang of nursing/pumping.

 

[charade]

I had my mom come from day 1 because I wanted the help with my baby (even though I also had a helper). I am very comfortable with my mom and I knew she would help but leave decisions to me. My baby turned out to be difficult (colic, reflux) and having my mom there was a lifesaver. I am if the opinion of the more hands to help out the better but they must be hands you are comfortable with. My in laws came only after three months when my mom left. This is the done thing in Indian cultureso my in laws accepted it. For my second baby my husband actually asked.., can yourom come? He knew that my mom was an immense physical and emotional help to me first time around. So if you can have an extra pair of hands you are really comfortable with go for it. I would advice against having both grandparents visit at the same. Grandchildren seem to bring out competitive instincts and you don't want to be soothing egos at that time.

 

[thanka2]

It depends on a lot of things but I'll tell you my experience.

When I gave birth to my first child I was in the States and was staying with my mother in her house. That was really tough after the baby was born because in a way we felt a bit "smothered" and also "watched." I'm sure that wasn't the intention of my mother or my other family members but sometimes they were "too helpful" and this caused a lot of stress. We eventually went to stay with friends in their guest house just to get a little break.

With my second child we were in Hong Kong and we had a helper that we knew well and trusted (she had already been with us for over a year). My parents-in-law visited us in the hospital after the baby was born and that was fine. My mother and my step-father waited until our daughter was 5-weeks-old to visit and that was perfect. They stayed with us for about 10 days--they had a separate part of the house to themselves so we weren't "on top of" each other the whole time. My mom had lived in HK before so she was familiar enough to go out with my step-dad without us. I would say that them visiting at 5 weeks was a perfect time--it was right before I was due back at work and I had recovered enough from birth that I had more energy to go out and do things and "play hostess" and also I had worked through a few of my early breastfeeding problems so that made it easier.

I'd say you'll need at least a month and if this is your first child, definitely longer before you feel good enough and settled enough to have live-in company.

 

[fusciaskies]

Thanks everyone for your thoughts - very helpful to think about this. I definitely get along with my mom and I wouldn't mind having her come from day 1, but the problem would be that my dad, whom I adore, would want to come at the same time. He's in his early 70s now and I'm afraid he would be bored to death cooped up at our place where everyone will be focused on the baby. Perhaps the thing to do will be to have my parents come together a few weeks after the birth then have my mom stay longer than my dad. As for my MIL, I will need to make her trip as short as possible after my parents' trip and after I'm completely settled into my routine (so she can't tell me what to do/try to teach me her way of doing things) and make her trip as short as possible as I can definitely see her being a competitive overbearing grandparent!

 

[matemate]

I definitely ... and I ... whom I adore ... and I'm afraid ...for my MIL.. I will need ...after I'm ... ...as I can definitely

i know it's all about the mom and her baby, but you might just also want to check on how your husband feels about his mother in law and his parents, etc. men tend to feel neglected for 9 months already and might think that the baby birth changes things and they have a say again

just saying... ;-)

 

[nicolejoy]

When we had our first (who was the first grandchild on both sides of the family), my husband was insistent that we had to be "fair" - my mum shouldn't come for longer, and shouldn't come earlier. After much discussion, we agreed that both grandmothers would come about 2-3 weeks after my due date and stay for 2 weeks. It worked out well, but I wished I'd had more time with my mum separate from my MIL (with whom I don't have a close relationship, even though it's mostly "civil").

2nd time around, after a difficult and complicated pregnancy, we agreed that my mum would come over a few days before my due date and stay for 2 weeks - that way she should be here for the birth. I'm glad to have had that time with my mum before the baby came and to have her around when the baby was born. My MIL, it was decided, would come a few weeks later when our baby was about a month old. As it worked out, our daughter was still in NICU and honestly, I wish my MIL had not come then as it added more stress to our already stressful situation. I didn't find her supportive and I was in the hospital every afternoon anyway.

I know that my situation is different, particularly with my 2nd daughter - but ultimately I think you need to decide what will work for you and your husband. I don't think choosing the "fair" choice is always the "best" choice, choose what works for you. Who will support you through that time? Who is likely to stress you out more? Yes, their feelings should be considered but I think you need to choose what will work for your family, whether it's lots of people around there and then, or whether it's waiting a couple of months... or even if it is waiting til the baby is born to make any plans... do what is right for you guys.

If I had baby #3, I would probably want my mum around there and then, and my MIL around when the baby was a month old. If it was a complicated pregnancy again, I would want my mum there when the baby is born, and I'd ask my MIL to wait and see and if there is NICU again, I would prefer her to wait until after the baby was out of NICU... not "fair" but that is what is supportive to us as a family (and my husband by now has seen that my mum supports me and his mum stresses me, so now he supports me in those decisions too...)