Very nervous about giving birth the second time round

[Nashua852]

Hi Ladies,

So this thread is certainly a case of 'its happening whether you like it or not' but as I approach the stage of pregnancy when my son was born (at 37 weeks) Ive been ranging from exceedingly nervous to terrified (being kept up late in the night by late stage pregnancy discomfort probably contributes heavily.) I had a pretty routine birthing experience the first time round. I wasn't overly confident (who is?) but decided to 'go with it' and just kept my mantras thudding with each contraction 'its just ONE bad day' - 'this is what love is' - 'I will personally perform a vesectomy after this is over..' . The only form of pain relief I had was gas and air and we were in a private hospital last time. The downside being I was exhausted by the pushing stage and was really disorientated so much that when I think back to it now I wish I had more time to calm down on my own, that there wasn't an air of impatience, that I wasn't sullied into an episiotomy and then have the doctor use a vacuum. Funnily, the pain of labour does not scare me - been there, done that, juice me up next time - but the actual act of giving birth I feel like Im totally disconnected from, like my body was truly hijacked, like I had no control over it. Obviously my son is here, I've DONE it before but at the same time it doesnt feel like I have. I dont think I even know how to push, or 'do it right.'

In the private hospital my son was in a nursery 2 floors down. Having my soon to be daughter in the same room as me is I feel very important without having to pay through the nose for it, so this time we're going public and Im already approaching it knowing my husband and I may have to put up a fight for him to even BE there - add this to the stress of being terrified of giving birth and I wish I could hand it over for someone else to do it for me.

I KNOW second time births are meant to be much easier, I know she'll come out one way or the other, I know I cant wait to meet her (not to mention get a functioning human body back that does not need to premeditate the steps it takes to get out of bed in the morning) and I know this is a very silly thread... though please know that any reassurance will be deeply deeply appreciated

Has/Does anyone else feel this way?

 

[Honkyblues]

Is there anyway that public hospitals would allow a doula to be present? (I suspect not...) But if they did and you could hire a doula, she would be your advocate, have intimate knowledge of your birth plan, be able to give you the moral support when you need it and perhaps persuade the hospital to let the baby room in. I imagine that a Cantonese-speaking doula would have a better rapport with the nurses and be able to advocate more strongly for you.

But if no doula is allowed, then I think you need to coach your husband to be strong on your behalf. Have your birth plan written down for him to follow and understand, and make sure he knows what you want in each scenario.

With my first child, I had a doula (and my husband) and had asked for no pain relief (and was offered none). By the end of 2 hrs of pushing, it was my doula who got me through it (and my husband) - both confidently telling me I could do it.

With my second child, I had no doula (as I thought I knew what I was doing then), but found it tougher as I dilated from 0-10cm within one hour and then immediately began pushing. The speed and strength of the contractions had been terrifying. A nurse asked if I wanted pain relief and my husband jumped in and said "No, please don't offer her anything" - as per my birth plan. I yelled, "Ignore him! Give me something NOW!!!" So I did have gas and air for 15 mins until my obstetrician decided I was getting too silly on it!! ;-)

But the point is that my husband knew what I had wanted and was able to voice my wishes (I just over-ruled him as I was feeling so desperate). Like you, I was dreading the pushing - 2 hrs the first time round had been gruelling. It was 20 mins the second time as I just told myself, "I've done this once, I can do it again. I won't break. I won't split in two. It's only pain. Just go for it!!"

What I'm trying to say is that you can do it. The second time will be easier, even if you feel that you weren't in control the first time round. Get your husband to question everything the docs/nurses/midwives are doing... "does she need that intervention? what will happen if we wait for another 30 minutes?" Try to get him to slow things down if you feel the medical staff are taking control away from you.

As for the rooming-in, I think that both you and your husband will be in full protective-parent mode and feeling very strong after what I'm sure will be a good birth experience. Know your rights and insist on them. I've found that Chinese people don't like confrontation, so if you meet resistance when you've asked politely a few times, up the ante, start getting cross and demand to see the nursing supervisor and even the hospital director.

Failing that, you can always leave the hospital. Remember, in the UK, they kick new mums out within 24hrs in any case (3 days for a C-section). Go home, get into bed (with lots of protective bed mats you can buy from Bumps to Babes) and do your recuperating and rooming in there. And I'm sure you'll feel happier seeing your older child too. Lots of cuddles on the bed for the new family.

Best of luck - you CAN DO this! Your new mantra can be: "my body, my baby, my way!"