Urgent, helper not following instructions - suggestions please

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pinki09

Registered User
Hi Friends...I need some opinions. I had a showdown with my helper last night, albeit not a nasty one, coz I believe in making peace before we all go off to sleep, however I am very doubtful about how to take it all forward.

Thing is, my helper doesnt like to be instructed...she is pretty nice my 20 MO, but she should realise that despite the good work, I am her boss and she should listen to me about how I want to get things done. I usually give her money to get things from Wellcome/wet market. But off late she has been adding many things for herself without prior permission from me. I just told her ( not yelled, but politely & firmly instructed) that next time onwards, just let my know before hand if you want to add something for yourself to the list. She made faces and said she only gets to remember what to buy when she visits the market and sees the items. I said, fine, but ensure this doesnt happen too often. I am still at work and in my 6th month of pregnancy so I get pretty tired after work, still I dont ask her to co-sleep with my son, as he wakes 1-2 times at night and I think she needs the full night rest after the days work. Also, she doesnt make full meal but makes the rice/bread and chops veggie/chicken which I prepare when I am back. I allow her to make her own food, only restriction being not to bring beef/pork at home since we dont eat it and cant stand the smell. Now, today when DH was home too I want to spend some time with him exclusively as it is only possible on a sat...so I told my helper to put my son to sleep for the afternoon nap...she again made faces, and completely ignored my instruction...i told her aigain, after which she said no, you are going to sleep too so you put him to sleep, and he will not sleep soon, since you both are at home. I told her that I am not sleeping rt now so you only put him to sleep...she made a face and obeyed. Now, do I need to give her explanation all the time about why am I instructing her for something? I dont think it was an unreasonable demand to ask her to put my son to sleep during day time. I give her all PH offs, but once when my mom was here, I asked her to come back by 6 instead of 9,...she plainly refused. She still doesnt think I actually did a favour to her by atleast letting he go on the day to which she is not officially entitled, just because in the beginnng of the contract I had said I am okay with all PH. At my end I have tried to understand her needs, She wants 2vacations coz her son is graduating in March and we would be off fr xmas so I am not forcing her to take all leaves in dec...and okay with her going twice, coz I understand its an important event for her. But in return, though i still admit she is pretty good with my son, she just doesnt like when I am giving her any instruction, makes faces, doesnt respond, which is extremely annoying, for I hate all these negative vibes....so what should I do? Coz rt now I'm still in my 6th month...tomorrow at 8-9th month if she starts throwing her tantrums even more, i will be even more vulnerable as we dont have any family here...i am done with work end of this month and would be at home full time, so do you think I should let her go and change to another one now? Or I should just compromise with her current behavior coz she is good at what she does? With the new baby, her work load will increase too, plus rt now I am takibg half days off work & take my son to playschool...but dont think after 9th month begins I can do that so again she will have to take over....so if I hv to act, then this the only appropriate time...else I just let it be as it is. I am so stressed, I cant sleep at 3 in the night and decided to write this post just now....any suggestions/inputs, even if otherwise, are more than welcome

Thanks in advance :)
 
Definitely get a new helper now. Speaking as a mom with a 25 month old and a 7 month old when your second one comes along you need all the help you can get and no stress related to the help! It is unacceptable how she treats you.
 
You need a new helper.

I don't think she wants to stay as your employee either otherwise, the problems will not crop up. She sounds like she's looking to get fired.
 
Get a new helper, don't compromise. If she wants this job bad enough then she should respect your wishes. You are her boss and you are paying her for her services. If she doesn't like to follow instructions ( as long as reasonable) then she should work somewhere else where she doesn't have to!
 
Definitely get a new helper, ASAP. No matter how good a worker she is, she needs to follow your instructions. You have your reasons for wanting things done your way (practicalities, efficiency, time with your child etc). It is NOT acceptable to sulk and disobey, actively or passively. This would not be acceptable in any office situation so why should it be different in a domestic situation. Also remember that if she is ignoring your instructions now, she will do so when your new baby comes along and that could endanger your baby in some situations.
 
Yes she is looking to get fired, or at the very least pushing her boundaries. I find buying things for herself without permission is completely unacceptable.
Better to find another, there appears to be a number of completed contract helpers coming up from adds that I have seen, rather than leave you to her mercy when you really need her later on.
What I would do is give her a written reprimand, then another if she does it again, that way you can fire her for just cause without giving her one month in lieu which is what a few of these helpers try to do when they are on the way out.
Good luck and never let yourself be held to ransom.
 
Fired.
She wants you to fire her, doesn't want to bear the financial responsibility of quiting. Yes, it will cost you, but better a few bucks than your sanity and peace/wellbeing for the next few months and when your new baby is born.
My close friend here has just gone through the EXACT same thing(except worse bc when the new one came she was a complete disaster and now she has no one and is giving birth in a week or so!!!), and she will be getting someone new soon. In the meantime she's taken some time off work(maybe not an option for you) and has enlisted a local cantonese lady for help part time. There is a local gov't org here that helps find placements for you - all locals, and you can often negotiate a monthly salary instead of hourly.
Just get rid of her. There are lother options.
 
Thanks everyone for the opinions...I am still going back to work everyday, leaving my son behind with her. So I am just thinking of waiting until May 20th, when I will start staying at home. I fear if I give her a notice now, she may take out the frustration on my son. Infact, today my son had a bump on his head when I visited home for lunch and she said she was in the bathroom for wee-wee at that time. She herself told me about this incident and its very upsetting. Though I would be unwilling to believe that she did this on purpose, can people be so bad to vent out anger on little children? probably not. So I am just keeping mum, giving her daily instructions as usual and observing her behavior. End of the month I will be in a better position to make a decision, and if she really shows improvement during these 2 weeks, I will give her another chance, else just let her go.
 
Fire her. Her attiude is totally unacceptable. I have also told my helper she can buy her own stuff with the money i give her but she must show me the reciept and i will assess whether its acceptable to continue buying next time. If she is already ignoring instructions now as to how to look after your first child, it wil be worse when the newborn comes along and you will be even more stressed with 2 kids and a troublesome helper. So many helpers have finsihed contracts and can start almost straight away, so resolve the problems now.
 
just because your son had a bump on his head does NOT mean she is abusing him! kids fall, kids get bumps. it happens. i would NOT fire her because of that. i WOULD fire her for her attitude, lack of manners and inability to successfully execute your simple instructions.
 
Carang, you are right, even I am not willing to believe she is responsible for it, only that its very upsetting that all of these incidents are happening so closely spaced :( Even in my presence my son falls some times. Thats why I am giving her a benefit of doubt for once....if I see a repetition of unacceptable behavior, I wouldnt think twice second time around. An actual decision should follow one warning atleast...this time I have had a very serious face-off with her on Sat...she knows exactly what upset me. In any case since I still have to go back to work for two more weeks, I cannot take a decision now. I will give her two weeks. If she improves then well and good...if not, then no second chance.
 
I think it is a sensible suggestion to find another helper before your second baby comes along. From what you have said, it seems that you treat your helper both well and fairly. Your requests are also very reasonable. Based on my own experiences, the kind of behaviour that your helper has been exhibiting usually only comes after a helper has worked for many years in the same job and starts to feel a little restless and bored. Then again, none of my family's helpers (even one that has worked with us for nearly two decades) has ever behaved like yours has. If your helper has only worked with you for 8 months and she's already like that, find another employee.
 
I think it is a sensible suggestion to find another helper before your second baby comes along. From what you have said, it seems that you treat your helper both well and fairly. Your requests are also very reasonable. Based on my own experiences, the kind of behaviour that your helper has been exhibiting usually only comes after a helper has worked for many years in the same job and starts to feel a little restless and bored. Then again, none of my family's helpers (even one that has worked with us for nearly two decades) has ever behaved like yours has. If your helper has only worked with you for 8 months and she's already like that, she will probably only get worse with time.
 
wow, pinki09...you are a lot more patient than i would ever be! i have had problems with helpers in the past, but not nearly as bad as this. being occasionally rude can be dealt with, but constant correction and unacceptable habits shouldn't be tolerated. i would get on the hunt for a new helper ASAP!
 
start looking now - she doesn't have to know about it - just make sure not to give your home phone and interview somewhere else i.e. not at home - unless the helper is finishing up her contract, then she will have to go back to the philippines and the application procedure can last anywhere from 6-8weeks.

anyhow, act civil now - after all your son is under her care, perhaps more communication will work, i'm always explaining to my new helper why i want things done a certain way...they have a different way of seeing things and though i don't really need for them to understand why things should be done a certain way, i think it does help for them to understand - if you explain and still she gives you this attitude problem, them you know for sure that she has problems.
 
Yes, I think its better if I start looking now. Actually my current one is my first helper, and I thought it would be nice to let her be like a family member. I still say she is good in what she does, but isn't too happy following my instructions. For eg, when I tell her what my son should wear, sometimes she would say no maybe the other set is better. I sometimes listen to her as she may be correct, but it shouldn't be a habit of her to just cut my instruction every time. Like she makes my son sit in the high chair and give breakfast. I have told her not to keep on forcing him if he isnt v happy having it after a certain point....today she made him sit thru for 1 hr 15 mins, and he was so irritated and started throwing things around...I was getting ready for work, so I couldn''t stop her on time....so I again told that just leave it, dont exceed beyond 30-45 mins max., its better if he takes half his meals happily. She wasn't too happy to hear this again, but didn't say anything. I told her that if he hasn't taken his meal properly, give him the next one due (milk/fruit) little earlier, she disnt give a reply (neither yes, nor no). I think I really need to be home to monitor her. It is still a week at work for me, and this time gap is literally killing me, I am so impatient to be home, then I can take care of my son's meals myself. But I am not sure if that will solve the problem coz I want that rather than me taking back tasks from her, she does them my way, coz once the new baby arrives I would be even busier. Plus the helper is being paid to do the tasks the way the employer wants...even I do that at work. even in my notice period, I have never shrugged off any task, or made any face, its against professional ethics. I think I really should start looking, then it would be easier to decide...I am really at ransom at the moment!
 
you should terminate her by paying one mth salary instead of one mth notice.
just wonder how much you are paying her per mth?
 
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