Travel back home for expats - what's typical?

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I'm not really sure which way this thread is going, so let me address a couple of points on both issues.

Americans often need to be wary of the 35 day rule, which can drastically affect their income taxes. If a US citizen or resident is in the USA > 35 days, then there eligibility for the Foreign Earned Income and Foreign Housing credits can be eliminated, costing tens of thousands of US dollars in US taxes. It's something that some Americans need to watch out for, especially those who set foot in the US every now and then on business or a vacation or whatnot.

And with regards to travel time, our flights back to the USA are easily 24-30 hours door to door. One transfer, time to get to the airports, customs and immigration, rental cars, drive home, etc. Easily 24-30 to a place like Washington DC which doesn't have that many direct flights from HKG.

Now, as for the more distressing issue, that of child abduction, it is very VERY important to note that the US and Hong Kong are both signatories to the Hague Convention on Child Abductions. I agree with others on the ethical argument that you should not just split with the kids, and I would also advise you that from a legal standpoint you might be setting yourself up for even bigger problems.

If this is something you are considering, you should definitely speak to some professionals in the legal community before making a big mistake.

http://travel.state.gov/abduction/country/country_495.html

One of the core elements of that treaty is that child abduction cases are heard in the country of "habitual residence" of the child. Legal cases will not be handled in the courts of one country simply because one parent is in that country, or even if those children happen to have US passports. The issue is 'habitual residence'--where the kids are normally residing, and I think if you have been here for a few years (and/or if the kids were born here) the father would have a very strong case to say their habitual residence is Hong Kong.

That means if you flee with the kids, he need only file a motion to return the children to the country of their habitual residence BEFORE the issues of custody are determined. The kids will be taken from you and put back on a plane to Hong Kong for a child custody hearing, and the fact that you were willing to take them away without a clear legal right will be a huge black mark against you in the long term child custody arrangement.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hague_Convention_on_the_Civil_Aspects_of_International_Child_Abduction

Here are some relevant bits from that:

Procedural nature

The Convention provides that the court in which a Hague Convention action is filed should not consider the merits of any underlying child custody dispute, but should determine only that country in which those issues should be heard. Return of the child is to the member nation rather than specifically to the left-behind parent.

The Convention mandates return of any child who was a “habitual resident” in a contracting nation immediately before an action that constitutes a breach of custody or access rights. The Convention provides that all Contracting States, as well as any judicial and administrative bodies of those Contracting States, “shall act expeditiously in all proceedings seeking the return of a children” and that those institutions shall use the most expeditious procedures available to the end that final decision be made within six weeks from the date of commencement of the proceedings.

Wrongful removal or retention

The Convention provides that the removal or retention of a child is “wrongful” whenever:

"a. It is in breach of rights of custody attributed to a person, an institution or any other body, either jointly or alone, under the law of the State in which the child was habitually resident immediately before the removal or retention; and

"b. at the time of removal or retention those rights were actually exercised, either jointly or alone, or would have been so exercised but for the removal or retention." These rights of custody may arise by operation of law or by reason of a judicial or administrative decision, or by reason of an agreement having legal effect under the law of the country of habitual residence.

"From the Convention's standpoint, the removal of a child by one of the joint holders without the consent of the other, is . . . wrongful, and this wrongfulness derives in this particular case, not from some action in breach of a particular law, but from the fact that such action has disregarded the rights of the other parent which are also protected by law, and has interfered with their normal exercise."

Habitual residence

The Convention mandates return of any child who was “habitually resident” in a contracting nation immediately before an action that constitutes a breach of custody or access rights. The Convention does not define the term “habitual residence,” but it is not intended to be a technical term. Instead, courts should broadly read the term in the context of the Convention’s purpose to discourage unilateral removal of a child from that place in which the child lived when removed or retained, which should generally be understood as the child’s “ordinary residence.” The child’s “habitual residence” is not determined after the incident alleged to constitute a wrongful removal or retention. A parent cannot unilaterally create a new habitual residence by wrongfully removing or sequestering a child. Because the determination of “habitual residence” is primarily a “fact based” determination and not one which is encumbered by legal technicalities, the court must look at those facts, the shared intentions of the parties, the history of the children’s location and the settled nature of the family prior to the facts giving rise to the request for return.

I also found this in a law review article:

"The Convention does not define habitual residence. Instead, the Convention deliberately left habitual residenc undefined in order to leave the notion free from technical rules which can produce rigidity and inconsistencies as between different legal systems. In doing so, the Convention sought to prevent habitual residence from acquiring an overly technical or idiosyncratic definition comparable to the notion of domicile."

more here: http://law.wustl.edu/journal/33/Winter.pdf
 
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This distressed mother, whose husbands' near-miss of smothering their baby, and then rolling over on it intoxicated, just this last summer, is at her wits end.
Instead of confiding in her friends, she comes to this forum for help and support on how she can possibly be allowed to visit her parents. Her husband won't let her go.

She is desperate for the break from Hong Kong and naturally wishes to be with her new baby and toddler, rather than leave them with her helpers. Something I would never even contemplate. Why would she ever leave her children with helpers?

She wants to visit her parents and uncle in her home state, within the United States. She asks you for help, as she has no one else to turn to in confidential privacy.
Her husband, a US citizen, who is also a lawyer, knows exactly her views on their marriage, and the fact that she feels trapped her in an environment which is alien to her. She doesn't even speak the language, despite having chinese ethnicity.
No one suggested kidnapping. Such an emotive word to describe a mother taking her children home to visit their grandparents. A normal part of expat life. Most expat moms, the world over, spend two or three months in their home town, each summer.
Suggestions of personal counselling here in Hong Kong and quiet contemplation, no more arguing or distressing power inflictions, were the most significant actions which were recommended. This mother is desperately trying to hold her family together, because she loves her children and her dominant husband, despite his after-work socialising and occasional antisocial behavoir. However, her husband does not even allow her to return to their home country for a visit without him, despite his own regular business trips, leaving her alone with children and helpers.
The suggestion of her saving money is for her to feel empowered, as it is clear from her previous posts which need reviewing by the posters here, that she feels disempowered and reliant on behaving as a dependant. How can she visit home when she can't even spend money on nappies, without asking her husband for permission?

If anyone feels that this mother should be forbidden to visit the US, then this is what her question was, and her question should be answered clearly.
I can only support her autonomy. As a Mom, who is deeply reliant on my own husband's decisions, I know exactly the feeling of having to conform to the voice of the power within the home.
My suggestion was that if she decides goes to the US on a holiday with her children to visit her Mom, a normal expectation which is being denied to her, then she needs to be sure that she can deal with him being annoyed with her. If he really is as detaining and domineering as he sounds, then she needs to be prepared for this.
I am a supporter of women and their ability to determine their own futures, within a supportive married, family life. I say this within a context of being an expat Mom, here despite the fact that it is not my home and knowing that we are unwelcome visitors in this territory.
 
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no one is saying that she shouldn't visit the usa. your post made it sound like you were counselling her to quietly prepare to kidnap the children.... maybe reread your previous posting. it does sound that way. it was what i thought when i first read it and obviously i'm not the only one that thought so.

ps> what makes you think you are "unwelcome visitors" in this territory? i've been here 17 years and have never felt unwelcome.
 
If anyone feels that this mother should be forbidden to visit the US, then this is what her question was, and her question should be answered clearly.
I'll be very clear - no parent (unless there is danger to children) should take the kids outside of the country without the permission/agreement of the other parent. Do do so can be interpreted as kidnapping.

I can only support her autonomy.
Its a 2 parent family, where do you get this "autonomy" from?

My suggestion was that if she decides goes to the US on a holiday with her children to visit her Mom, a normal expectation which is being denied to her, then she needs to be sure that she can deal with him being annoyed with her. If he really is as detaining and domineering as he sounds, then she needs to be prepared for this.
The paragraph above and the paragraph below dont jibe
I suggest that you stop negotiating with your husband or discussing any move. You need to silently make your own plans, save money and make the visit to the US with your children, when you are absolutely ready for all eventualities, and the changes which will come in your life. You are going to have to be incredibly ready for anything.
You need to be absolutely sure that what you are working towards is what you want, above all else, and you need to act on what is in your heart.
While you should be telling her that it takes 2 to make decisions, work things out etc etc, you are telling her to stop discussing, stop negotiating and act unilaterally and take the kids away without agreement. This is plain old kidnapping, nothing less. If you need a refresher on definition here is one:
http://definitions.uslegal.com/p/parental-kidnapping/

I am a supporter of women and their ability to determine their own futures, within a supportive married, family life. I say this within a context of being an expat Mom, here despite the fact that it is not my home and knowing that we are unwelcome visitors in this territory.
The woman in question has 2 kids in a marriage. While she may freely determine her own future, she may not (without agreement, consent or court order) determine the future of children on her own.
 
Thank you for your in depth analysis of my suggestions on this thread. Unfortunately, there are no diplomas on offer. Dissecting paragraphs and phrases gives no marks, you will not get approval or congratulations, of note.
Does your suggestion contribute to analysing her dilemma and situation? She is asking for your perspective or opinion on her problem.
My suggestions centre around her needing to be very sure of any decisions that she makes. I tried to support her by showing her that I completely understand her dilemmas.
What are your suggestions or help that you can offer her, trapped in this alien environment?

Carang,
After 17 years in a country, of course, I know you feel it is now your home. When you came here, the country was a colony of sorts, similar territorial rights as your own home country. A lot has changed since then. You have become a permanent resident and remain at home in your 'adopted' home. Newcomers to this new 'independent' environment however, feel starkly the enormous difference between inhabitants of the established community and the temporary population passing through. To young people, or couples without children, this doesn't have an issue. However, to a Mom who has come here and now stays to continue to support her husband, life looks very different. I assume it can on a daily basis become increasingly oppressive. The antidote to expat life is the freedom and love of returning to your 'real' home for the summer months to watch the children play with their cousins, to see the countryside and the hills and to renew your relationships with the people who love you.
After the freedom of the lovely months spent at home, mothers return to their expat life with renewed vigour, and with excitement at renewing their proximity to their husbands.
Carang, no matter how settled you feel here, I view the situation through the eyes of an expat. The British government returned the island to China because if they hadn't, there would have been growing disharmony. Harmony prevails here and is a lovely place to live, but as a Canadian, you will always be viewed as an 'outsider' by the population who feel this island is their birthright. I don't believe that I am truly welcome here. Actually, I know this to be a fact. They tolerate us for the potential prosperity that we contribute to the local society. I live here for the interest and experiences of our whole family, and to support my husband, but at the enormous cost of foregoing my potential alternative life.
 
My suggestions centre around her needing to be very sure of any decisions that she makes. I tried to support her by showing her that I completely understand her dilemmas.

Your suggestion (stop negotiating, save your money, take the kids away without discussion/approval) borders on criminal.
I fail to understand how you can justify this type of activity which most likely will ruin the marriage and may land the mother in jail.

I've read and re-read your 3 lengthy posts and have come to the conclusion that you are seriously misguided and it is you that most likely needs help. There are quite a number of agencies in Hong Kong that equipped to deal with such matters; If you need advice and suggestions, please let us know.
 
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thank you for putting words in my mouth.

yes, by some, i will always be viewed as an outsider.... but i have no idea where you get the "unwelcome" bit. i have only once in all of my years here ever felt unwelcome and that was when i ran into "Long Hair" in LKF right before i got married.

other than that altercation, i have NEVER felt unwelcome. perhaps, you live too much of an "expat" lifestyle. do you ever make it out of your little comfort zone? do you ever venture beyond the mid-levels/central/admiralty bubble?

i never set out to be here for as long as i have. i originally came here for a 1 week holiday and ended up staying. you make it sound like i don't miss "home"... you really have no idea how much i miss it.

i really, really can't see how you would feel "unwelcome" and if that is how you are feeling, i suggest the problem does not lie with "expats" but with you and possibly your attitude of otherness.

i have found in my time here that there are generally 2 types of expats:
1) tries to find a place in the local community of both expats and locals. makes an effort in getting to know the place, explore beyond their little neighbourhood, try the local food and find little local places and make connections with the employees/owners, learn about the local traditions and customs.
2) stick with the expats, drink in LKF or wanchai, work in central, live in mid-levels/pok fu lam, taxi to work (maybe, possibly bus or walk) and almost never try to find out anything about the locals or the local culture. these are the ones who moan about the "lack" of culture, the terrible food, the rude/money-grubbing locals. these are the ones who are happy to mix with their own kind~~~ "any Canadians" or "australians" or "XXX" mums want to gather for a playdate?

i am not saying that either of these is wrong. they are just different. each person handles situations differently. i came here as a 22 year old, right out of university. i was looking for adventure and excitement. i didn't know a single soul here and the internet was just getting going. life was very different then (no one had mobile phones... everyone had pagers!). i most definitely fit into category 1. i have a feeling you are a category 2 person.
 
Another practical thing to keep in mind is that when one parent travels internationally with the children, the traveling parent has to carry and produce a notarized letter from the absent parent proving that she/he has permission and consent to do so. Immigration at most airports ask for this.
 
Another practical thing to keep in mind is that when one parent travels internationally with the children, the traveling parent has to carry and produce a notarized letter from the absent parent proving that she/he has permission and consent to do so. Immigration at most airports ask for this.

From what I've heard, if the mother shares the children's last name, they don't always ask for this. I've only made four flights with my daughter without my husband - all between Hong Kong and Australia, and I've never been asked for such a letter. Good thing too, because I never thought to bring one with me!! People who I have talked to, some brought such a letter, others did not - but most of the time, it was not specifically asked for. Only when the mother did NOT share the child's last name... (of course, such a letter would be beneficial, but I don't think it is "necessary" in most cases)
 
i have been asked for a letter EVERY time i've gone back to canada with my kids and without my husband. i share a last name with both hubby and kids.
 
Canada is one of the strictest places about those letters, from what I've read on frequent flyer airline message boards. With other countries it is "hit or miss"--some do, some don't, but the general advice is to have such a letter, especially for trips to Europe and North America.
 
Notarised letters are not necessary if you are traveling to Australia on Australian passports as permission for solo travel is implied by both parents signing the passport application. To stop a parent traveling alone a court order is needed. This is not the case for other countries such as Canada.
 
Quick Editorial Note:

We only delete posts where there is clear verbal abuse and a clear attack. At this point, we do not see anything in this thread that warrants deletion.

We strive to keep our forums as open as possible and people are free to voice their opinions - many of them you may not agree with. Simply because a post is critical, it does not mean it is abusive, some times it is just a reality check.

This thread is closed partly because of the excessive reports it was getting and the moderators were overloaded. It will remain closed as we belive that the range of opinions is diverse enough to cover most bases.

Kung Hei Fat Choi everyone!
 
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