Travel back home for expats - what's typical?

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NewMommie

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Anyone have issues coordinating trips back home? My husband and I now have a young toddler and a baby, and we only manage to go back once a year. Due to his work schedule, that one trip could only be 2 weeks long, and because we have family in several locations, I would usually only get about a week with my family and friends, which isn't really enough since it falls during the week and people are all working then. With the kids now it's even more challenging.

This year my work schedule will allow me to take an extra trip to the US and I'd like the bring the kids (in fact, that's the whole point - I want them to spend more time with their grandparents and uncle from my side). My husband is telling me I can't go back and take the kids for 2 weeks because he will miss them. While sweet, I don't really think that is reasonable, esp as he often travels for work and no guarantee that won't happen while I'm gone, which leaves the babies with no parents and only the helpers (something our family decided is a no-no).

Just curious if you have some suggestions for this. If you have read my previous thread on this you know we have our issues with being in Asia and away from my family to begin with. What do other families do in terms of travel home? I always hear about moms going back for the whole summer with the kids, so I don't understand why my husband is so upset by this. Any dads have an opinion? Thanks!
 
We try to fly back to my home country twice a year and four times a year to my wifes (much closer, and my firm has an office there so I can go to work and not use up annual leave).

Additionally, we have a standing invitation we'll fly either set of grandparents over here any time. Since it is the first grandchild for both of them they are understandably keen to spend as much time as possible with her.

Is this something you could consider?

As for your husband not wanting to miss his kids for two weeks - I can understand both sides of the argument. I do think he is being a little unreasonable though, it's just a fortnight and I think extra travel/inconvenience is a necessary side effect of being an expat that we just need to live with :banana:
 
We have 3 kids and were in a very similar situation.
We compromised with a plan where every year my wife took one of the kids away to be with her family exclusively. Next year is the next kid in line and so on. On 2 occasions, she took 2 at a time. This worked out quite well as going away with 1 child at a time develops some really good bonds.

Some families are lucky to be able to go away for 6-10 weeks at a time, alas it seems your and mine are not that fortunate so we make due with what we can.

On the flipside of the coin, I have also taken 1 kid at a time to "daddy trips" where we do some off the wall stuff that my wife doesnt really enjoy.
 
We rarely, rarely get a chance to travel back to the States. The last time I was in the States was 2008. I wasn't working full-time and I took my then 8-month-old son back while my husband stayed in Hong Kong. We were gone in total 3 months so I'm sure your husband can handle 2 weeks without you all. My husband did miss my son and I, but then again...we were gone for 12 weeks, not 2. The main reasons why we haven't been able to travel back to the States have been financial...and if not financial then schedules. When I have time off from work, it's peak season and we can't afford to travel as a family. When I don't have time off from work then the tickets are more affordable but it's impossible for us to leave. My mother has traveled to visit us twice since 2008 and my sister as well. So, that makes it more bearable. Yet, I haven't seen my father since 2008 and he hasn't seen my son since he was a toddler--he's now in his second year of kindergarten. Neither my father or brother have met my daughter and many of my extended family have not met my husband, son or daughter. So, when people say they get a chance to even go back to their home place once a year, I really envy them. If I could make it back twice a year, I would be giddy with excitement. Although, the travel to my home city in the States takes nearly 30 hours so it's not a picnic of a journey and the jetlag is horrible for children and for adults. So, staying two weeks only feels really futile to me because it takes a good 10 days for everyone to get over jetlag and start to feel/sleep normal (especially the kids) and then it's pretty much time to leave. Couple this with the high expense of flying it's almost depressing to think of going back--although I would love to see my family more often. I've given up on the thought that my children will be equally close with my side of the family as they are with my husband's who live in HK. I would love for that to be true but at this point it's impossible.
 
Our solution has been an annual trip home and this year as we are having our second, we will get a hotel in a central location and let family and friends come to us. We figure we fly halfway around the world, they can drive or fly a few hours at most if needed to come see us. It sounds harsh, but it really seems to be the best solution. We also make Skype dates and make a point to frequently post photos and videos on facebook. It's the best we can do, and it's just got to be enough.

Edit to add: with just one, I've taken my daughter home twice without my husband and visited both sides of the family, but with 2 kids and one being an infant, that is out for a few years.
 
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it has taken me 36 hours to get back to my home in canada in the past...(but that includes sitting on the runway for 4 hours due to a blizzard in the city we were supposed to be flying to....)
 
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i have friends that have done one kid at a time, but personally, i would have a very hard time telling one of my kids that they couldn't see grandma this time, it was the other one's turn...
 
We generally go back an average of once a year. Since my older daughter was born, twice I took her back to Australia for about 10-12 days to see my family (and my MIL) by myself. Once was because my mum was having surgery, the other time was because my husband was VERY busy with work and we weren't seeing him much anyway. I've never taken both of my kids back by myself.

I do know that for us, my husband wouldn't want us to be gone for much longer than that 10-12 days, even two weeks is "too long" for him. BUT for us to get home, it's just 9 hrs flight. Not that long in the grand scheme of things. There's no real jet lag as there's only a 2 or 3 hr time difference... 10 days is doable for all involved.
 
New Mommie,
If your husband freely travels for work and is usually OK with you being left alone with the children, then I sympathise with you that this situation must be frustrating.

I know many expat Mommies that travel to their home country with their children, for the whole of the summer, whilst the father comes to visit for a week or two in the middle of the vacation. This is a normal part of expat life.

I have spend months away from my husband during the time when I was pregnant awaiting a birth, and also over the summer holidays when our children needed to live freely in the countryside, whilst my husband was travelling Asia. This doesn't reflect the emotional closeness or distance within a relationship, this is purely functional as marriage and parenting becomes, when children enter into our lives in such a significant way.
What concerns me about your particular circumstance is that, I believe that you need to examine exactly why your husband seems so reluctant towards your trip. His missing the children, may be significant, but I don't think is the specific reason for his objection.
Is he worried that if you go, that you won't return? Are you both expats here in Hong Kong? Have you been having doubts about being here, and he knows it?

I think that it is important that you examine with your husband, his specific worries. There may be more to this than he is showing you.

Best wishes.
 
I go back once a year and take both kids with me. I have family in Ireland and my husband's family is in England so I go to both. I couldn't only do two weeks though because it would mean only a week in each country which is too hard for me and the kids. I tend to go for about a month. Sometimes my husband joins us for two weeks but not always possible with his work.
My husband misses the children when we are away but that is where skype comes in handy! He usually talks to them every second or third day on skype for a while and catches up with them. He has to travel quite a bit with his job too so he normally schedules his work travel while we are away so he can spend more time with us when we return.
The issue we face is the fact that we don't really get a "family holiday" every year because we feel that we have to travel back to our home countries and my husband does not get that much time off work.
I don't think I could go two years without seeing my family and friends back home so it is a sacrifice worth making for now. We do tend to travel around asia for short trips (three or four days at a time) so we can have a holiday.
 
New Mommie,
I just briefly read your previous extensive old thread. I have a clearer picture of the issues that you face, and I think that I 'hit the nail on the head' in my last posting.

My view is that, your husband 'knows' that you won't return and he is terrified about having to take a break from work to return to the US and fight to get you or the children back to Hong Kong. He would be unable to remove the children from the US and so he would have to be forced to alter his life in order to maintain contact with his children. You said that he's a lawyer, so he knows exactly what the legal issues are.

I think that you know exactly what you need to do. You have been contemplating your future for the last two years. Only you know what to do.

As expats, we all make huge compromises and sacrifices to be away from home. Some days, we regret not being in our settled chosen environment, and usually, we just try to get through each day. What you need to think about is whether your marriage is what is making you happy above all else, and whether supporting your marriage, is worth all the anguish.

I suggest that you stop negotiating with your husband or discussing any move. You need to silently make your own plans, save money and make the visit to the US with your children, when you are absolutely ready for all eventualities, and the changes which will come in your life. You are going to have to be incredibly ready for anything.
You need to be absolutely sure that what you are working towards is what you want, above all else, and you need to act on what is in your heart.

I am completely committed and supportive of marriage and family life, but not at the cost, of living with someone who doesn't love.
My opinion is that you urgently seek help of experts in these matrimonial matters who can counsel you to make the right decision for you and your babies. I don't think couples counselling, such as bringing your husband for therapy, is going to help, in fact it may prevent you from acting freely. You need to attend a relationship counsellor to help make the transition to single life, if that is what you want.
There must be marriage guidance consellors here in Hong Kong. The counsellors don't support marriage above all else, they are there to help the individual come to terms with the changes that may be necessary.

My thoughts are with you.
 
My husband has taken my son back to his hometown for 2 months at a time during the summer, and while I missed him dreadfully, I dealt with it because I believed it was good for them both to be in contact with their roots. Plus, I was at work so many hours I wouldn't have seen much of him anyway, as summer was the busiest season for me at my previous job.

There is Skype and all kids of technologies at your fingertips if he is so attached to his family. Plan on "meeting" up every day/night at the same time and assure him you will stay in touch regularly. It's a bit selfish, to be honest, of him to deny your kids a chance to be with their family just because he doesn't want to face an empty house for a few days. Tell him its a good chance for him to spend time on a hobby he hasn't had time for and live like he's single again for a bit. It will go quickly. Have fun!
 
MommieMid said:
I suggest that you stop negotiating with your husband or discussing any move. You need to silently make your own plans, save money and make the visit to the US with your children, when you are absolutely ready for all eventualities, and the changes which will come in your life. You are going to have to be incredibly ready for anything.
You need to be absolutely sure that what you are working towards is what you want, above all else, and you need to act on what is in your heart.
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I see you are answering quite a different question to the one that has been asked in this thread. You might be right, I have no idea how much NewMommie's position has changed in the last couple of years. I know children are life changing events so I wouldn't discount the possibility her thoughts have changed.....

... that said, if you are seriously suggesting she get ready to rip the family apart and kidnap her children away from their father then I can only react with abject disgust. How many mothers would feel the same way if the father was contemplating leaving without a word and kidnapping the children and forcing the mother to go through the courts (in Hong Kong and the US) to have any chance of access.

Would you still be advising him to stop any negotiations, stopping any discussions with his spouse and silently make plans to facilitate this act which is both illegal and morally abhorrent?

My view is that this action would be an abrogation of your rights as a parent, a spouse, an adult and as a responsible human being. Marriages do end, and it is normally a messy affair which is unpleasant for everyone, especially children. I do think that parents have a responsibility to try to do everything to save their marriage and when those options fail to do everything to make the change less traumatic and less impact on the children.

Kidnapping them to a foreign country before even trying a marriage counsellor or discussing it with your spouse isn't a responsible path of action, and I couldn't condone it or stand to see it condoned under any circumstances.
 
we also go home around once a year and i am very close with my family so my husband knows that i must make the most out of our home leave. my husband's family is in hawaii so we actually don't even see them - just my side in nyc. this means, i usually fly over 2 weeks before him with the kids, he comes and then we fly back together so all in all i get about a month home sometimes 5 weeks if i am lucky since i am a SAHM. it's compromise and if i am flying that far, we better make it worth it. my husband totally understands and supports this.
 
Hi Newmommie. My husband always moans when I want to go back home for several weeks without him too.

He is the main one of the two of us that wants to stay in Asia - since I had my son I really want to be closer to family - so my argument is that us being away for a long time is part of the trade-off for living in Asia. I also always visit his family when I am home too, which placates him somewhat. Not sure how feasible this is for you.

My husband travels a lot, like yours, so what he does is organises lots of business trips around the time we are away so that he doesn't miss us so much at home. Last time he also added a leisure trip on too - he always wanted to spend some time in Mumbai so he spent the weekend there before his work trip.
 
I travel back to Europe every summer only for 5 weeks with 3 kids. I work pt at a school so during the holidays it's easy. My husband usually comes for a week so I fly one way by myself. He thinks it's boring but is not able to go longer (although this year he will come longer finally) because of work. However, he's supportive and happy for us to have a chance to meet family, escape the heat, etc.
 
AmyH said:
I go back once a year and take both kids with me. I have family in Ireland and my husband's family is in England so I go to both. I couldn't only do two weeks though because it would mean only a week in each country which is too hard for me and the kids. I tend to go for about a month. Sometimes my husband joins us for two weeks but not always possible with his work.
My husband misses the children when we are away but that is where skype comes in handy! He usually talks to them every second or third day on skype for a while and catches up with them. He has to travel quite a bit with his job too so he normally schedules his work travel while we are away so he can spend more time with us when we return.
The issue we face is the fact that we don't really get a "family holiday" every year because we feel that we have to travel back to our home countries and my husband does not get that much time off work.
I don't think I could go two years without seeing my family and friends back home so it is a sacrifice worth making for now. We do tend to travel around asia for short trips (three or four days at a time) so we can have a holiday.
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That's basically what we do. We save his days here to do trips as a family in Asia. My family comes here too as well, so we're lucky in that respect.
 
rebekah said:
Where on earth are you from?! or do you mean round trip? Our flight is 15 hours each way, plus driving time if we visit family, but 30 hours?!?!? wow.
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There are no direct flights to my home place and because of financial things we usually have to take a flight with layovers internationally as well. So, the in-air flight time turns out to be about 18 hours because the flight from HK to the US West Coast is about 15 hours but then I have another 3 hours of flights to take--but I have an additional two layovers inside the US and usually at least 1-2 layovers outside of the US. The layover times vary. I've had really long layovers (20+ hours) but usually layovers are around 4-8 hours long. That's why it takes so long to get back.
 
2010-NewDad said:
I see you are answering quite a different question to the one that has been asked in this thread. You might be right, I have no idea how much NewMommie's position has changed in the last couple of years. I know children are life changing events so I wouldn't discount the possibility her thoughts have changed.....

... that said, if you are seriously suggesting she get ready to rip the family apart and kidnap her children away from their father then I can only react with abject disgust. How many mothers would feel the same way if the father was contemplating leaving without a word and kidnapping the children and forcing the mother to go through the courts (in Hong Kong and the US) to have any chance of access.

Would you still be advising him to stop any negotiations, stopping any discussions with his spouse and silently make plans to facilitate this act which is both illegal and morally abhorrent?

My view is that this action would be an abrogation of your rights as a parent, a spouse, an adult and as a responsible human being. Marriages do end, and it is normally a messy affair which is unpleasant for everyone, especially children. I do think that parents have a responsibility to try to do everything to save their marriage and when those options fail to do everything to make the change less traumatic and less impact on the children.

Kidnapping them to a foreign country before even trying a marriage counsellor or discussing it with your spouse isn't a responsible path of action, and I couldn't condone it or stand to see it condoned under any circumstances.
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I agree with NewDad here encouraging someone to prepare for a hostile takeover in this manner is deplorable. Children are involved and matters of a divorce should be settled here in Hong Kong and legally. A broken family is hard enough on children to add to it deception, kidnapping, and fleeing would only add to their pain and confusion.

Not to mention illegal and I can only imagine such actions would demage any chance of winning a custody battle.
 
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