Terrible tantrums - 15 month old

Obiwan said:
I decided to introduce time-out after reading this thread. So it has been 2 days, and is working out pretty well. Yesterday morning I explained to her what time-out is and how/when she will land herself one. She later went into a crying spell wanting something we didn't want to give her, and i did the 1-2-3, and she 'stopped' crying, not 100% but with quivering lips and teary eyes trying to control herself, then she came up to me, hugged my legs and said "i'm sorry mommy".

This morning, she refused to brush her teeth after my count, so we left her where she was and ignored her. After 5 minutes, she came knocking on my door with her tooth brush "Mommy, brush teeth". :)
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Fantastic Obiwan! How old is your kid though?
 
My son (16 month) throws tantrum when I ask him to do something he doesnt want like lining up during playgroup time. He doesnt throw tantrum when he doesnt get something but he does that when he doesnt want to do what i ask him to do. Can you guys suggest how to handle that behaviour??? I ended up letting him walking around because he actually threw himself on the floor.

Thanks.
 
you deal with it exactly the same way. by letting him do whatever he wants, you are not helping him. you are letting him be the boss. you are the parent/boss. you need to firmly establish that or it will only get more difficult as he gets older.

if he throws a fit and then you give in and let him do what he wants, what have you accomplished? you've taught him that throwing a fit will get him what he wants.... guess what he will do next time?

sorry, but i see this every single day. it's almost like some of the parents are afraid of their child. (not you, just what i've seen) they are afraid the child will cry. they are afraid the child will be angry. they are afraid of asserting themselves and actually teaching their child what behaviour is acceptable and what isn't.

i always tell the parents that their child will have 1000's of friends in this lifetime, but only one mother and one father. it is the mother and father's job to parent their child, to teach the child right from wrong, to guide the child and teach him/her how to get along in this world. it is not their job to give in to every whim and fantasy the child has.
 
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When i ignore him he will stop crying and just walk around himself, then he doesnt get it that he need to stop that kind of behaviour. What should i do then? Thanks
 
carang said:
you deal with it exactly the same way. by letting him do whatever he wants, you are not helping him. you are letting him be the boss. you are the parent/boss. you need to firmly establish that or it will only get more difficult as he gets older.

if he throws a fit and then you give in and let him do what he wants, what have you accomplished? you've taught him that throwing a fit will get him what he wants.... guess what he will do next time?

sorry, but i see this every single day. it's almost like some of the parents are afraid of their child. (not you, just what i've seen) they are afraid the child will cry. they are afraid the child will be angry. they are afraid of asserting themselves and actually teaching their child what behaviour is acceptable and what isn't.

i always tell the parents that their child will have 1000's of friends in this lifetime, but only one mother and one father. it is the mother and father's job to parent their child, to teach the child right from wrong, to guide the child and teach him/her how to get along in this world. it is not their job to give in to every whim and fantasy the child has.
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I really agree with what cara's saying here. I've also witnessed a lot of Hong Kong parents who were afraid to physically confront (I'm talking about actually physically stopping them or removing them--not really spanking etc.) their children. I would see a 1-year-old crawling away from the parent when he was meant to stay with the parent and the parent looking on helplessly like saying, "No..., stop, don't go." (Reminds me of how and what "Willy Wonka" says at about :45 in this scene from the original Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory). But, would the parent actually stand up and go physically pick up the child and bring them back? No.

So, if your child is having trouble standing in line when he's supposed to, physically stand there with him and make him stand in line--even if he cries and struggles. Do it every time and I promise you by the time that he's done that 3-4 times (or maybe longer if this has been a long-term habit of his to cry and get what he wants immediately) he will start to understand that his crying is not effective and he will still have to stand there when it's time to stand in line.

I, personally am not afraid to let my child cry in public if I'm trying to accomplish a goal with him. Most parents will understand and won't judge me and if they do, that's their problem. As for the people who don't have kids looking at me "in horror"--well they don't even have a clue and their opinion doesn't mean much to me.

It's our job to be the leaders in the situation--to be in control. It's unfair to the child to let him or her dictate because first of all, they don't have the maturity to really be in that type of role. Watch a few episodes of Supernanny (here or here are examples) and you'll start to understand how ineffective and unhealthy it is to let little children "be the boss" of their own worlds. No, we give children appropriate choices like, "Do you want to stand in line while I hold your hand or do you want to stand in line by yourself?" The question of whether they get to stand in line or not isn't brought up--they don't have that option but they do have some limited choice in the situation.
 
yep, i am all for giving CONTROLLED choices.

"would you like to wear the skirt or the dress?" (not getting dressed is not an option)
"would you like mummy to help you wash your hair or would you like to do it by yourself?" (not washing hair is not an option)
"would you like 4 carrots or 15 peas?" (not eating vegetables is not an option)

i have told my kids in a restaurant "you can sit quietly and eat your dinner or i will take you to the car." guess what? when they didn't sit quietly and eat, i stood up, picked them up and walked out of the restaurant. once my child realised what was going on, he started to scream bloody murder. i took him to the car. got inside and sat with him for 5 minutes. then i gave him the option: i will take you back to the restaurant now, but if you are naughty (i can't remember what he was doing to get to this point) again, we will come back to the car. or you can stay in the car now.

they learn VERY VERY quickly if you follow through on consequences that you have previously laid out.
 
carang said:
yep, i am all for giving CONTROLLED choices.

"would you like to wear the skirt or the dress?" (not getting dressed is not an option)
"would you like mummy to help you wash your hair or would you like to do it by yourself?" (not washing hair is not an option)
"would you like 4 carrots or 15 peas?" (not eating vegetables is not an option)

i have told my kids in a restaurant "you can sit quietly and eat your dinner or i will take you to the car." guess what? when they didn't sit quietly and eat, i stood up, picked them up and walked out of the restaurant. once my child realised what was going on, he started to scream bloody murder. i took him to the car. got inside and sat with him for 5 minutes. then i gave him the option: i will take you back to the restaurant now, but if you are naughty (i can't remember what he was doing to get to this point) again, we will come back to the car. or you can stay in the car now.

they learn VERY VERY quickly if you follow through on consequences that you have previously laid out.
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Yep. And boy does it save you a lot of headache and drama! I can't remember the last time my son actually threw a fit at all. Sure, there are plenty of times he's not happy about things or gets upset but it's short-lived. I allow him to express his feelings but it doesn't change my reaction. The most he cries anymore for non-injury-related things is maybe 2 minutes? Goes to sleep well at bedtime, plays well by himself and with others and is just fun to be around (but still a little cheeky and mischievous!)
 
my son has the occasional fit. it usually has to do with his sister bugging him...it can last for 30 minutes, very occasionally more. BUT it only really happens when he's absolutely exhausted AND his sister just won't leave him alone....

can't say i blame him, really... i have been known to throw an occasional temper tantrum myself! LOL!
 
too funny! sounds an awful lot like our conversation tonight...

"mummy, i'm full. i can't quite finish my second helping of dinner."
"ok, you ate really well tonight, good job."
5 minutes later
"mummy, can i have some ice cream please?"
"no, you just said you're full..."
"yes, but when you eat ice cream, it melts... it will fill up the holes in my tummy.... so there's still room for ice cream."
"sorry, honey, it doesn't work like that."
"so can i have some?"
"no"
mummy contemplates finishing off the ice cream so i can just say, "sorry, it's all gone" when he asks tomorrow...
 
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