Terminating helper

mushi

mushi

Registered User
hi, i have this helper since the last 8 months who, no matter how hard i have tried, fails to show any affection for my kids or any kind of enthusiasm to work, to play with them or even to smile! she is like a robot works efficiently no doubt but just like a robot, tending to tasks assigned, not using her common sense to fix probs that may arise. She is also quite negative in everything and honestly her entire outlook dampens my spirits since i have to spend the whole day with her....i have really tried my best to ask her her problems or any issues she may have with me....after this counselling she is a little better though looks forceful for a couple of days and then back to normal....sometimes i run back home form short errands outside cause i know she cannot manage my baby alone for a long while.....after all this do u think i should terminate her? or is this a common feature with philipinas? or something i should bear up with and ignore since i amy get a worse one next time....i am mighty confused.

i am also worried that if i give hera month;s notice she will really get into a tantrum mode, silently of crse but i can then no longer trust her with my kids....

should i go thru the painful interview process again or should i bear her for another year???

PLEASE HELP!!!:mad:
 
Goodness, I don't think you should put up with that type of negative mindset at all. You have tried to build bridges and coax any problems out of her, it sounds like she is not a good match for you and your family. Far from being a common feature, I would have said that philipinas are pretty positve people on the whole (considering that the job involves cleaning someone else's house and looking after their kids when you can't see your own). This doesn't sound like the norm at all. Terminate and try again. Get good recomendations and go with your gut feelings. You need a helper that actually 'helps' not someone that dampens your spirit. Good luck
 
Hi Mushi

I am sorry to hear your experience with your helper. We have our helper for 9 months (my sons is 9 months now), same nationality but quite opposite to yours. So it is not a common feature definitely. Unfortunately we have to let her go by early January next year as we have decided to move back home. If you are thinking of hiring someone with positive energy without going through the long and painful interviewing process, let me know, i can pass her details to you. I would like to line up some interviews for her before I break the news to her.

And cheer up, you will find someone good and don't put up with it for another year.
 
We also usually just give payment in lieu and let them go basically on the same day you're telling them. It feels really mean and probably is, and I hate doing it. But for someone so close to home, it's way too dangerous to have them hanging out for even a day.
 
Really? even she is good before? Our helper likes our son so much and I just can't imagine she will be like that..but I guess things can turn nasty....
 
Mushi, I terminated my helper after 6 months for many reasons but mainly because I couldn't leave my babies with her and I didn't feel that she was making my life easier which is, by definition, what a helper should do. I now have a new one and she's wonderful and I don't know why I waited so long.

There are many wonderful ones out there. Take your time to interview them and you'll find one that fits into your family well and cares for your children properly.

As for terminating her, I agree with kellyst you need to have everything prepared and give her money in lieu, ask her to sign all the papers and leave on the day you tell her. There are plenty of boarding houses for them to go to and friends and agencies who will help them. We told ours on a Sunday morning and she was packed and gone within 2 hours.

I interviewed while she was still here - I would send her on errands etc to make sure she wasn't in and had signed a contract with someone else before she was terminated and knew I would only have a short time without help.

Don't bear with it - it's not worth it. I know the interview process is a pain but the result is much better :o)
 
dear paddles, donkey, kellyst, leah....thanks so very much for all yr support....i am really getting convinced that i should take this step now...PADDLES since u just terminated a contract can u psl. tell em the process in short or give me some website details that i can see? do u have a philppina too both times? how do u know at the interview stage what she would be like? i failed so miserbaly the first time i don;t think i want to go thru the entire process again and then land one with someone like her.....that is what scares me really u know to get someone like her or even worse!! pls. give me tips....thanks
 
mushi,

I hired my first helper when I was pregnant with D. One of the mummy's in my group had interviewed a few, and she was her 2nd choice. She was lazy and I never really got on with her. Like you, was afraid if I fired her I might end up with someone worse. So i convinced myself that she wasn't that bad, and she stayed with us for 2 years.

I couldn't renew her for another 2, so started searching for a replacement. Took me close to a month of interviewing. Finally found another Filipina helper and she's such a gem. This is her 3rd contract with us. She loves our son and takes such good care of all of us. Life is so much easier when you have a Helper that actually helps. Wish I had terminated by 1st helper earlier.

There are loads of good helpers out there. Have a read through Julie Jacobsen's article on Hiring a Helper. She has some great advice on interviewing.

Good luck!
 
Mushi - all you need to do is give a letter to your helper stating the date of the termination and the reason why and that you have paid her all money owing and either a ticket back to the phillippines or the money for a ticket and get her to sign, you then need to send this to the director of immigration within 7-14 days I think. I took a photocopy of my helper's HKID too just in case I needed it later on.

Both my helpers were philipina - the second one was a recommendation from the helper of a good friend who knew my circumstances. I have 5 month old twins and was turned down by a lot of people I interviewed as they thought the work would be too hard! I think you just have to trust your instincts and don't be afraid to ask them to come back and spend half a day with you, cook you something, spend time with the children, do some cleaning etc. My new helper came round a couple of times before I signed the contract and never minded - she said the decision was important to her too as she has to spend 2 years with us. Also, the second time I've gone for someone with alot of experience - she knows how to shop in a market, can speak a little cantonese, is mature and responsible. In total I must have interviewed over 15 people and I got really fed up with it, but I ended up with someone great. As you have a helper you don't have to rush the decision, take your time to find the right one.

I was afraid of making the same mistake twice too, but i think you learn from your mistakes and you know what does and doesn't work in your family better. Be confident of yourself.

I used to take my girls out most days just to get away from my helper, now I take my helper with me when we go out :o)
 
gosh paddles. this is so very true....i sometimes take both my kids and get out of the house just to be away from her....i often thought abotu it but never fully acknowledged it till now...i guess i did not want to tell myself what a fool i was to still continue with the same helper.......but u r right this time i have time and will be in no hurry to hire a second one....this time i do not plan to interview so many of them....i just will wait till the right reference comes thru....it would really help if u ladies could also pls. keep a watch out for me....appreciate it.....thanks so very much agaion
 
Mushi,

Just read your post today and i have to make my comment. Our helpers are THE SAME!!! Mine is 46 yrs old so we concluded that she doesn't like to take care of kids anymore, my boy becomes a cry boy now, every morning he says "bye bye" to her the moment he sees her. He cries practically everytime she asked him to take a bathe, change clothes, eat, etc.......I even have to tell her to please talk to my kid if she's feeding him as it's important for his development.

I now end up bringing my boy to playroom morning and afternoon, i also cook our own food now as i don't trust her cooking, one time she made an orange juice with the skin on! Worst of all - she answers me back instead of apologizing if she commits mistake. I can't bear with that for 2 years.

The difference with us is, after 1 1/2 months, i have decided to look for another one, like the other mom, i have asked the chosen one to come on a Sunday, so she can play with my son, i have already signed the contract and just waiting for visa. Then, give her termination letter and packed her things the same day. I initially thought of giving her one month notice so she can find another job, and for me to save the one month salary, but reading and asking around, better to get rid of her the same day.

The lesson i've learned with this helper:
1. do not get directly from Philippines, i want the helper to be interviewed personally rather than over the phone. In this case, i won't be shocked on how she looks, i would know her personality better. Mine doesn't smile too.
2. do not get somebody older than me as they think they know more.
3. not more than 30 years old so has the energy to play with my boy.
4. don't expect too much, i used to want somebody good in cleaning, cooking, kids, etc...but superwoman doesn't exist. I've realized my priority now is someone great with kid, someone i can rely and trust when it comes to my boy. The rest, i can do it and bear with it.

Good luck - to both of us for the new one.
 
My advice for finding a helper is don't worry too much about things like cooking and cleaning. You can always teach those things. Focus on the innate qualities of the potential helper - do they have a ready smile, do they seem positive in their answers to your questions, how do they interact with your child/children, do they seem to have a happy disposition, do they demonstrate common sense?

I focused on these qualities and I am really lucky to have a great helper. She is a pretty bad cook (good thing I like take away food!) but she is very kind, gentle and cheerful with my little boy and he just adores her.

Of course, once you've found someone you like speak to at least one of her previous employers to get a reference.

I couldn't put up with a helper who didn't smile or interact nicely with my son.

Goodluck finding a great helper.
 
crystal, sherwes, where did u find your helpers from? u r ight- other chores don;t matter its just the kids that i want to be taken care of really well....thanks for yr suggestions.
 
Hi Mushi, I found mine via an ad on the geoexpat site. I also spoke to two of her past employers who gave her excellent references.
 
We found our helper who we love and would do anything to keep forever (!) by asking another helper we really liked if she had any friends just like her! Turned out she did so she introduced her to us.

Funnily enough though, our helper was fired from her first chinese employer after a few months and her second chinese employer was sent to jail. We took a real chance on her because she had no references, no experience working for a western family and so little experience working as a helper. The reality was though that the two helpers we'd had to fire before her came with good references that were as good as bogus (some people are trying to ditch the helpers and will say anything to help them move on) and they were absolutely awful. There was just something about our current helper that made us throw caution to the wind. She seemed genuinely kind, smiley (without it being fake), admitted she couldn't cook (she cooks like a dream now whilst the previous two said they could cook, one could the other couldn't and was impossible to teach), she was honest about her previous failed hirings and the kids were instantly at ease with her. We had to hire her on the spot as her visa was going to run out the next day. 6 months on she is a part of our family and I never thought I'd say that about a helper.

If you have kids you must ensure your helper has had children of her own and has hopefully finished making her family. Without having had your own kids you just can't understand how precious they are.

Good luck.
 
our helper also is a dream come true. she is simply amazing with my baby and i can see genuine love in her eyes when she plays with him, which makes me so happy. thing is, when she first joined us 8 months ago (my son is 7mo now) she was a bit awkward, didn't talk much, was quiet and not smiley most of the time and just went about doing her stuff. we learned that we had to take the initiative to break the ice with her. once i did that (started up conversations with her, showed her that i am NOT one of those emloyers who just wants a "maid" but rather someone to really be part of the family) she really opened up two and these days while my husband is at work, she keeps me sane when i'm at home and we have really fun conversations and more importantly she loooves my son and he senses her sincere care for him and loves her too. i guess my point is, this helper-employer "chemistry" does take some time to build up, as with any relationship. i think some traditional chinese families actually prefer having a "maid" to only do work for them and not be involved in the family in any kind of emotional way, so you do have to make sure they understand you are not like that!

good luck with the new hire!!
 
Agree with you ladies.
My advice is to change helper if your helper is unsatisfactory for these reasons you give.

But also in 'helper-run' households (in terms of mother delegating most of childcare to her helper/s) don't expect too much.
I know that many mums work and cannot do everything but ion general mother is best to care for pre-schoolers predominantly (as much as possible)

In HK I see some non-working mums (my neighbour) who delegate practically all of the daytime care opf their young children to basically an unqualified nanny.
If when you are around you see 'poor' interaction, etc imagine what its like when youre not there?
Next door to us (expat family) where mother delegates to 2 helpers.
Of course she is not there, when the 1y old is screaming on/off all day (learnt behaviour not in pain!) 3/4y old shouting - this household is not well-run.

The whole day is a series of mother arriving and leaving and lots of screaming and crying.
This is a bad example, of course, and some helpers manage well. But it still defies me that many women do here, what they wouldnt do, in Europe or in their hometown.
The mums (again I'm not talking about working mums) seems to fall into the category of 'normally attached bonded mum' and 'delegator of childcare'!

More you delegate the more difficult it is to do this (dfifficult and tiring) job yourself.
Nearby we have some other families or 2/3 kids who are all cared for (and co=operatyively) by hands-on mum. So nice to see.:grouphug:
 
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