Sudden burst of temper & bossy towards adults

M

meaganelizabeth

New member
I have a 3-year old daughter. She is generally pleasing but has a tendency to be bossy towards adults including her teachers. For example, once her teacher sat in her chair and she told her sternly "Don't sit there, that's my chair." She also screamed at her grandmother once -- "Don't hold my hand. I can walk by myself."

We correct her all the time but it seems it's not getting through to her. Should we start being more stern or even start to spank if she talks disrespectfully especially to adults?

Any advise would be much appreciated.
 
every parent deals with this differently. but most children go through a stage similar to this. they are learning to assert their independence.

it takes a lot of patience and constant correction but eventually they learn.

if my son is very rude, we give him a warning and if it doesn't improve, then he gets a time out.
 
patience, patience, and patience. My 2.5yr old has been doing it for some time now. It's pretty useless to just tell him sternly why he can't do this & that. This is the "normal" way of disciplining as we adults know it, but it seems they just don't get it & in fact, made him even more frustrated.

They see us doing everything ourselves & just don't understand why they can't do it. As Cara says, it's their way of asserting their new found independence (afterall, they have been bossed around by us for their whole little lives). Let her do things on her own, (barring dangerous acts) even if she makes a mess, let her choose her clothes, shoes, cutlery, etc. Let her feel like she has some control over her life. Then at the same time explain to her(over & over again) why she can't scream or throw tantrums to get what she wants. It does get better, gd luck.
 
if i find my son having a hard time, i offer him a choice of two things:

1) you can turn down the tv because it is too loud

or

2) i can turn it off for you

funny.... when given the choice of two options, he always chooses the one i want him to. he still feels like he has a choice and i get what i want out of it.

just last night i was talking to my mum who told me that at dinner with my nephews, one of them was confronted by something on the table that he didn't like, so he said, "ok mum.... what are my options?" and when he was given two options, he chose which one he wanted. there was no drama of any kind, he just wanted to know where he stood.
 
I'm so glad that you've brought this up. Our son is doing exactly the same.

Cara, what do you do if he doesn't pick either? I'm facing that problem with my 3year old! I've given him options but there's been too many times he's not inclined to pick either.
 
being there, done that, not working. she chooses own own clothes (so she wears the same thing everyday), shoes, dvds. when she misbehaves, we explain in a kindly voice, then in a stern voice, then naughty corner. still, yesterday, she was in the naughty corner 3 times for the same act - pinching the helper, then my husband, then me at different times of the day, because we were trying to get her to go wash her face & brush her teeth in the morning & go to bath at bedtime & finish with her bedtime story to go to bed. Mind you, she has a good routine since she was 2 mths old. so she knows what to expect & what next.

and she's 4.

one thing different is, i just had a baby who's 8 weeks old. maybe that's why.....
 
I do the "take your pick between the 2" thing too and normally it works. If my daughter refuses to, I just tell her that in that case, Mummy will pick for her. That normally kick starts her "No No, I will pick".
 
Same as AndreaY. Our 4yo gets options, but on occasions when he's being headstrong and unreasonable, it's off to the Quiet Corner.
 
if he doesn't choose one, then i choose for him. i tell him that i will count to 10, if he doesn't choose, then i do it.

i agree, if they know that they will lose their choice, they very quickly choose what they want.
 
We're using 'time out' but right now, it involves a 30-45 minute scream fest about how it's so unfair or how he doesn't want time out. Wondering if I should persist with this method as it can get very noisy!??
 
persistance is the only thing that works.

my kids know that i don't start their time until they stop screaming. they learn VERY quickly to stop.

when we are at home, they have their time-outs on their bed in their bedroom. i do that because they really only use their room for sleeping as we have a playroom that has all of hte toys.

even my two year old now sits on her bed. she occasionally gets off and i just take her back and put her down on it. i reiterate that her time will now start over again and that the fastest way to get back to having fun is to be quiet, think about what they did to end up where they are and when the time is up, apologise.
 
Thanks for the advices. I will try giving the 2 options and also being patient. I have tried time outs before but since she is an only child and is very good amusing herself, and not even afraid of the dark, I gave that up when she was 2 1/2.

One month before my child turned 3, I told her that by 3 years old, we had to change some things - no more diapers, no more feeding bottle, etc. I also told her that we would start spanking on the hand for misbehaving. The diapers we did and do not have any problem. The bottle we are still trying to take away. We haven't really done the spanking.

Today, after her fits in the supermarket, my husband and I agreed to talk to her seriously when we got home. We took out a small wooden ruler and we showed her that we will start spanking for behaviors which are not nice. We clearly told her that this wooden ruler can only be used by daddy and mommy, no one else, not her, not her nanny. She seemed to be listening very intently and she said she understood. During dinner, she also showed her nanny the wooden ruler.
I hope she gets the message this time. Will keep you guys posted.
 
i would NOT go for a wooden ruler. that is not my style at all.

the idea of time out is NOT for the child to be afraid. i would NEVER leave her in a darkened room or closet by herself. the idea is that they are removed from the action. they are given time to consider their behaviour. of course, at 3 years of age, there is only so much "consideration" that she will accomplish. a time out should ONLY be one minute for each year of age.

i would HIGHLY recommend finding a book SUPERNANNY. or trying to watch the programme on TV or download it to see it. we follow her advice almost to the letter.

good luck! we each do the best that we can.
 
I think it is partly the want of independance, like in the example about holding hands. For us there are places they don't have to hold hands when walking, but if crowded it is not an option, and if they pull away I hold even tighter. For my younger one I would just pick hjim up and carry him, which he doesn't want, so he gts the choice of carry or hold hands.

Sometimes I think the rudeness in little kids is from not having the vocabulary or the skill to know how to get your point across in a polite way. When you think about english and how things are phrased, things are not said directly, especially neagtive things. Little kids say things directly, they just don't have that skill yet. So they will say "don't sit there, thats may chair" instead of, "Excuse me please, I was sitting in that chair". When my kids say something rude I make them repeat the sentance in a polite manner. At first I have to tell them what to say, but after repeating it over and over and over they get it. My 5 year old can rephrase his own words politely now when he is rude, but my three year old I have to remind him what to say.
 
or "Give me that!" instead of "Mummy, may I please have that?" (my older one ...4yrs... does know how to say the second, but he forgets sometimes. i just say, "i'm sorry, that is not a very nice way to ask. try again." and he ALWAYS gets it right.

after considering the OP's problem, i think that some if it might come down to lack of consistency from parents. ie. telling the little girl that x,y & z will happen and then it doesn't. if you say something you have to mean it and your little one needs to KNOW that you mean it. you cannot threaten something without following through. you cannot give in to tantrums. if you do, you've lost. your little one will know that all she has to do is scream for long enough and she'll get what she wants. it is a battle of wills. you need to remember that YOU are the parent and therefore you are in control (or should be). it is ok to allow her some degree of autonomy as she gets older, but it still needs to be your decision. by saying, "you can do this or this. you choose." it appears that you are giving control to her, but in actual fact it is YOU who is choosing the options. it's not like you are saying she can have anything she wants (think... ice cream for dinner). you are saying that she must eat her peas or her carrots. which one is her decision. however, if she finishes one of them, THEN she can have a little ice cream.
 
The "giving of two options" have been working for me. Also, I have been very conscious about being consistent. Like today, she refused to go back to her car seat. I spent 10 minutes not moving the car until she rode the car seat. Also, I have been consistent on what can and cannot be done at certain points. Since I was pregnant 5 months ago, I realized I had lost a lot of energy to point out each mistake. So sometimes, this action is ok, other times, no.
 
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