Sensitive toddler and new baby jealousy

B

Biggie

Registered User
I have a two yr old and a 5 week old. Older boy is the very sensitive type and he has been acting out a lot lately, I think to get my attention. Eg He would refuse to be dressed or bathed by grandma, or screaming for sth a lot. It's hard to stop him unless I come in and give him what he wants( usually harmless stuff, like wanting to wash hands again, or play with the towel etc). He often cries till he chokes and throws up(like every other day).
He is good with the baby some times, like would give a rattle to him or help him bathe. But more often he would say don't want baby or baby go away.
I want to spend more time with the older boy and have helper or grandma handle the baby but not always feasible as bb is breastfeeding at irregular intervals.
He is starting nursery in feb, not sure if it helps or not.
Any advice ?
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I think most of mums of two have been through this early stage when baby n.2 arrives... It took our family 3 to 4 months to find the right balance, and a lot of attention, to be back to a normal situation.
I've tried to spend all my time "free" with my toddler when n.2 was sleeping, and we were all going to the playground instead of sending the older one alone with the helper.
I've talked to him a lot too... explaining that baby n.2 was not there to replace him, that we loved them both the same way, that he is now a big boy and that we are very proud of him. We would praise any of his nice moves toward n.2, like helping for the nappies, sharing his toys... but even though n.2 is now 6 months, I still wouldn't let my toddler alone with her more than 2 mn !
I just know that trying to discipline the first one more isn't working, even if it's tempting, when you have to deal with the breastfeeding, short nights, hormones, home work etc etc !!
Good luck, hopefully you'll find your balance in a few weeks time.
 
I agree with Frenchy, it's important to still have one on one time with your older child. When the baby is sleeping, take the older child to the park or do something that he likes to do. Involve him in the baby activities, when you are changing diapers, you can ask him to pass things to you. My older daughter (2 years old) has adapted pretty well to having a little sister and one thing that we do is we will be silly like "Who do you want to read the story to you?" - she will often say "Baby Maddy!!" and then we'll make up a silly squeaky voice for the baby, and she'll kind of bounce around and "read" the story for her big sister. It makes my older daughter laugh, and I think it helps the two of them to develop a bond as well. She also wants Baby Maddy to pass her water, tickle her, change her diaper, all kinds of things... Sometimes she will snatch all of Baby Maddy's toys, but we are trying to teach her that if she wants something that the baby is playing with, then she should swap instead of snatching and she is learning that pretty well too. When the baby is crying, she will often go and ask her "Why are you crying Baby Maddy?" and she will give her a toy or a pacifier or something like that. But that had to be "learned", we told her "Ask the baby why she is crying" and "Why don't you give Maddy x"?

I know I rambled a bit there - but all that to say, I think your older child a) still needs to know that they are loved and important to you and b) needs to develop a bond with the new baby by learning that the new baby is ALSO a loved and important member of the family too.

Easier said than done though - but kids are adaptable and your son will learn :) Just smother him with love and be patient, he'll come around :)
 
This is a good thread.

I am dreading of this day to come too. My first will be 23 month when No2 arrives. Our 19 month old is already very attached to me--partly I think because of change of helper and partly I think he is aware that there is a little brother coming soon. He only wants to go out with mama, get milk from mama before going to nap or sleep.

I enjoy doing all of these with him. But I don't know how I can cope when the new one arrives and I try to breastfeed. I will have help but I am afraid he might be want to play with anyone else but me.

But I really won't know how it will do until the day comes. I sure will take advice from mother who went through it and give him as much attention as possible.

Good luck to you Biggie
 
I tried to establish some habits before bb was born, like have helper bath and put toddler to bed every night. It works now, as long as the habit is not interrupted, ie no one else go to his room at that time. If I pop in just to get sth, he starts whining for me to stay.
I also notice he is not sleeping as well these days, waking up a few times a night. Not sure if it's related. Sometimes saying no no in dream
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Hi Biggie, Do you have problems of the older playing loud in the appartment and waking up your new born. I am really concerned about this too. Do you put some kind of white noise maker in the new born's room?
 
When our baby came home, my older daughter woke more at night and she ended up in our bed. We always allow her to come into our bed at night AS LONG AS she goes to sleep in her own bed first. When our baby first came home, I think the baby crying at night woke our older daughter as well so she came into our room more often. It's tough on them too - so my opinion was, they need more love/attention too. Now that our baby's been home for a while though, my older daughter's sleep is back to normal (or even better than before!). It probably took a month for it to settle down...
 
Following this thread with great interest as well. In 8 days, I will be in the exact same boat and am terrified of how my mama's boy will react to his new tiny rival.
 
We've prepared our son a lot to the arrival of his little sister... he came to the ultrasounds, we read some books, approached a lot of babies, he had a little present from his sister on the first day he came to the hospital, he helped choose some pyjamas for her ....
About the noise, I guess second children get used to it more than we think ! It's easy with only one child to have a quiet house during the nap time, it's nearly impossible with a second one ! We just be careful that the noise level does not get too high, and he does not go to her bed when she is sleeping, but apart from that, there is not a lot that you can do....
 
Hi Frenchy, I guess what you said it's true. I was super neverous about making the house really quite during my first one's nap time--everyone had to walk with socks on.

Now, I am almost at the piont of trying to sound prove our second's room-- adding on one more door perhaps. :) My husband think I am just too neverous.
 
Baby can sleep with my toddler screaming and playing drums in the same room!
I don't think my older one can hear the baby at night as the rooms are quite far away. Perhaps he is starting to dream more now he's two yrs old? My older one is not bothered by bb crying. He can still play and eat and watch video even though I'm trying to calm a screaming baby.
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My older daughter was ALWAYS waking up my baby. She would run into the bedroom and yell out "1, 2, 3, WAKE UP MADDY!!" (too much Wake up Jeff for her obviously!). It's taken her a while to realise that when the baby is sleeping, we need to leave her alone and be quiet, but she's getting better all the time. I don't think soundproofing is the way to go, but I do think it's good to still put the baby in a quiet room away from the rest of the family. Some noise is normal and they'll learn to sleep through it. I think that soundproofing just make the baby sleep even lighter.
 
We have an air purifier in our baby's room. I find the white noise helps to muffle the noise coming from the other two rambunctious boys.
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You can also buy "white noise" machines - we got this sheep thing as a gift, it has four different kinds of white noise... rainforest sounds, water, generic static, etc... my daughter's eyes close immediately as soon as I turn it on! Crazy but it really works.
 
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