Safe to leave with helper?

[JoyousBaby]

The last post I had about taking my LO to the United States but after reading some posters about jet lagged and actually planned before her 6 mths vaccination, I have canceled the trip.
So happen that now my husband told me he is going New York on the 1st June for annual meeting ask if wanna go on a trip to Miami before he head to NYC.. But leaving the baby behind with the helper and a cousin here. (cousin hardly home, always out or at work)

I reckon baby too young to leave with the helper and no one to look out for us unless we send them to relative's house for that week which I'm not really keen on.
Husband think we should go for a break cos was a year ago since we last travel together! I'm in dilemma not knowing what should I do?

1) helper with me for 2 mths
2) I'm pretty close with the helper (though most friends told me I should not!) don't understand why
3) she look after my baby well even I'm out whole day
4) just need more advise as this will be my 1st time leaving my baby behind with a helper as I travel without my gal even when I fly back to Singapore but still husband around after work.

Should I stay or should I go?

 

[carang]

personally, i can't imagine leaving a 6 month old with helper. i would take the baby with me. jetlag sucks, but you get over it. it really is not such a big deal to take baby with you. it just changes what the trip is about.

as for not travelling with hubby for a year... guess what? you have a baby now! things change.

ps> hubby and i are considering a short trip to thailand without our kids (they are 5 & 7 YEARS,not months). hubby and i have had 1 night away from our kids since they were born. to me, everything changed after having kids. i can't imagine going for an extended period of time without my kids.

 

[elle]

The last post I had about taking my LO to the United States but after reading some posters about jet lagged and actually planned before her 6 mths vaccination, I have canceled the trip.
So happen that now my husband told me he is going New York on the 1st June for annual meeting ask if wanna go on a trip to Miami before he head to NYC.. But leaving the baby behind with the helper and a cousin here. (cousin hardly home, always out or at work)

I reckon baby too young to leave with the helper and no one to look out for us unless we send them to relative's house for that week which I'm not really keen on.
Husband think we should go for a break cos was a year ago since we last travel together! I'm in dilemma not knowing what should I do?

1) helper with me for 2 mths
2) I'm pretty close with the helper (though most friends told me I should not!) don't understand why
3) she look after my baby well even I'm out whole day
4) just need more advise as this will be my 1st time leaving my baby behind with a helper as I travel without my gal even when I fly back to Singapore but still husband around after work.

Should I stay or should I go?

If you even have to ask the question you shouldn't go. I think its crazy to leave an infant with a near stranger (your helper has been employed with you for a very short time and honestly, how much can you learn about someone in two months - not much). Not to mention that it seems very unfair to your helper to leave her with an infant, around the clock for weeks, without help for her (sounds like your cousin will not be taking an active role).

There are all sorts of other issues involved also - have you thought about the medical authorizations that will be required to get your baby treatment while you are out of town, who will make emergency decisions, etc.? Its not uncommon for a young infant to get sick, etc.

If you and your husband want to take a trip go somewhere closer and take your helper and child with you. Things change when you have kids.

 

[Newbie_hk]

I would reconsider bringing my baby along. The fact that you are not 100% sure of leaving her behind is an indication that you are not ready to leave her with the helper. Trust your maternal instinct. That's what it for.

I personally will not be able to enjoy a holiday with my husband if at the back of my mind, I will always be wondering if my baby is being looked after. I will not have that peace of mind. It just comes with the territory of being a parent.

I understand the trepidation of travelling with a baby that young but if its any consolation, it's easier travelling at that age rather than the crawling, walking, need-lots-of-playtime stage (10 months onwards). True, you will have to relook at how you spend your holiday as you are no longer a couple & now a family of three. Lots of parents here in this forum have travelled far & wide with baby in tow so with a little practice & lots of preparation, you will also be able to enjoy your vacation as a young family. Consider it as training for more exciting holidays ahead.

 

[JoyousBaby]

Thx already told him I'm not going.

 

[carang]

no one said you shouldn't go...

by all means... go... just take baby with you!

 

[peachylin]

Agree with Carang. Go with the baby, if you still can make arrangements with hubby.

Jetlag isn't that bad and in fact may be "managed" well by your baby I brought my then 6-month old daughter to the US for a month and she handled the trip pretty well. She was easy during the flights (HK-NY, then DC and SF) and slept mostly through the month-long trip. I believe it's easier to travel when they are small. I'm positive your baby will be fine.

And especially if you feel like you need this trip or just miss traveling with hubby, then go. Having the baby with you isn't that bad. You may be a bit limited on things to do and places to see but at least you're relaxed that you know what's going on with baby 24/7. Coming back, you and baby can practice the old routine or start anew.

All the best.

Sent from my GT-I9100 using GeoClicks Mobile

 

[Biggie]

For trips alone with husband, perhaps consider a short trip to Macau ? You will be much closer in case anything happen you can be back in a couple hours.
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[JoyousBaby]

Carang don't get me wrong, I just want to let my hubby know is a no no to many parents around that leaving a baby with a helper is a silly idea. He wants me to accompany him to dinners too with his other associates when in NYC so won't be nice to bring baby along for business.
Though Miami will be nice with my baby and will do it sometime later.

 

[howardcoombs]

...I just want to let my hubby know is a no no to many parents around that leaving a baby with a helper is a silly idea....

Thats the wrong message. There is nothing wrong nor silly about leaving a baby with a helper or a relative.
It all depends on your trust and comfort level.
*you* dont feel comfortable, and thats fine; that does not make the idea silly...

HC

 

[carang]

i have no problem leaving my kids with helper for a night, maybe even 2 or 3. personally, i draw the line at any more than that. what would happen if there was a medical emergency? it is possible. accidents happen. just last week my son broke two bones in his foot and spent 3 nights in hospital... so things like that can happen.

if your hubby wants you to accompany him to business dinners in NYC, then you would have to hire a babysitter or take your helper with you...

 

[thanka2]

as for not travelling with hubby for a year... guess what? you have a baby now! things change.

Amen to that! LOL. I think men see it differently but I would hope that mothers would be so bonded with their baby that they wouldn't consider going to another country without them unless it was an emergency situation. If you want to accompany your husband to the States, best to bring baby along--especially considering issues such as feelings of abandonment that may come up if you take off and leave your little one for an extended period of time. Children are super sensitive and something like that could likely affect him/her for the rest of his/her life.

My husband and I haven't traveled alone together for three years--the last time was for 3-4 days when we went to China to celebrate an anniversary. The only difference is that we left my toddler-aged son with my mother and my husband's parents and even then that was a huge trip for us.

Personally, I would never leave my baby with a person who is not related to me who I've only known for two months in order to go to another country for a holiday. The thought is kind of disturbing to me actually.

 

[lesliefu]

Its a personal decision really but I think you've answered the question yourself! You have doubts and so go with your gut feeling and Don't go OR bring the baby and find someone to babysit whilst you go out with your hubby. Unfortunately things will change with a baby and both you and your husband will have to slowly come to terms with it. You can't be both super mom and super wife....when your support system is not sound....something's got to give, and it appears you believe so too, but want to give in to your husbands requests.

Personally it would be too hard to leave such a young babay for so long and be so far away....it's just the possibility of
having to deal with a sick child from far far away that is worrying. How to medicate? Which doctor to see? Etc. I would bring baby, but that is only because I have family in NYC...good support system.

 

[howardcoombs]

....especially considering issues such as feelings of abandonment that may come up if you take off and leave your little one for an extended period of time. Children are super sensitive and something like that could likely affect him/her for the rest of his/her life...

This is a new one I had not heard of before. Would you happen to have any links to credible web based articles I could read on this topic?

 

[mummymoo]

howardcoombs, I think from reading your previous post you seem to have a greater risk appetite than most mothers I know and on some level I think it is okay e.g encouraging children to be more independent with travel ect but I do think that leaving a 6 monther with a helper who has only been with the household 2 months a thoroughly silly idea. Infants of that age are EXHAUSTING, and despite the fact that I am the bub's mother and am appropriately motivated to go above and beyond the call of duty (and believe me there were days I wanted to run for the hills - I was so exhausted), I'm not sure that can be expected of my helper or any employee for that matter, particularly a new one.
Leaving bubs for the evening while you're out to dinner or the day whilst you are at work ect -sure, but for 1-2 weeks with no break for the helper and no back up support plans - I think you must have forgotten how demanding infants are at 6 months!!!

 

[Obiwan]

It really depends on how good your helper is and how much you trust her (will you continue to be on edge throughout your trip)? It sounds like she is too new and you have yet to be confident of her ability to manage your baby without you for a week. In this case, either postpone the trip, plan a shorter trip or bring the baby along. We have done 6 long and short haul family trips within the first year of my first baby, and they all worked out fine. Just took our 2.5 and 8 months to Paris, still battling jet lag but it isn't bad. They had an awesome time. And I am glad we went. It's always easier to stay at home but children learn through new experiences as well just don't expect holiday as a couple to be the same as one with kids. Not for a few years at least.

We have also been away leaving the kid with our helper. The first time was tougher as we weren't sure how she would fare, though she was nothing short of excellent with the kids and housework. We tried it out with a 2 day trip to Singapore and it was just fine. I will also suggest in these circumstances to ask your helper if she is confident managing alone and to leave her clear emergency contact detail.

 

[howardcoombs]

...but I do think that leaving a 6 monther with a helper who has only been with the household 2 months a thoroughly silly idea.

If you had to choose between:
a) an experienced woman who has raised children, been thru scrapes and problems and difficulties and brought them into adulthood
or
b) a brand new mother who has only 6 months experience
Who would you choose to look after a 6 month old baby?

No, I have not forgotten how demanding infants are at 6 months.
I also have not forgotten how clueless I and my wife were with our first 6 month old and how helpful our helper was, the helper who had already raised 3 kids while we, the clueless parents didnt know how to handle many situations.

What is silly is too be dismissive of a person who has experience and instead to suggest that a natural mother is the only one capable of looking after a baby.
If you dont trust your helper, you dont feel comfortable, etc etc etc -- thats perfectly fine and there is no way I can argue against that; your child, your comfort level and your rules....But to contemplate and consider leaving a child with a perfectly capable adult is not silly at all.

 

[mummymoo]

HowardCoombs if both people were unrelated to the child I would choose the mother of three with experience. If option B refers to the mother of the child - then I would say irrespective of experience the great majority of mothers are in the better position to look after their little one (with support from family, helpers, educational resources) than an unrelated woman with tonnes of experience especially when the going gets tough! I guess in your opinion you would say that your helper was in a better position to care for your first born than your wife and you would choose the helper over your inexperienced wife to look after him or her - I mean, seriously, each to their own, but I find that a little strange.

Moreover, many helpers have had children but have little experience raising them as they are over here (sadly) raising our babies.

I have never suggested that a natural mother is the only one capable of looking after a baby -there are plenty of adoptive mothers, foster mother, grand parents who do a fine job, what I have said is that leaving a 6 month old with a helper you have know for 2 months for a week or two on her own is silly. It's unfair to the helper and baby. Even when my children were younger I could not go a whole week all alone without another soul to help. At times, I would almost leap onto my husband at the end of his work day because I'd had a bad day with bubs (because I was so relieved he was there to give me a break and this is AFTER ONE DAY), OP helper would not have this luxury and likely the baby would suffer as a consequence.

But to contemplate and consider leaving a child with a perfectly capable adult is not silly at all
True, we both agree on this point as do the majority of posters here. What the majority are comfortable with is leaving a young infant for a few hours, a day, day or two with a capable adult, but in your world, a week or two, or perhaps more with a "capable" stranger is completely au fait. But again, each to their own.

 

[howardcoombs]

I guess in your opinion you would say that your helper was in a better position to care for your first born than your wife and you would choose the helper over your inexperienced wife to look after him or her - I mean, seriously, each to their own, but I find that a little strange.

Your guess is incorrect. What I was attempting to convey was that the mother is not necessarily and always the most qualified to look after a child, there are plenty of other alternatives around. When faced with a decision to leave a baby with a qualified adult, it should be given due consideration and not dismissed out of hand.

But to contemplate and consider leaving a child with a perfectly capable adult is not silly at all

Thank you, that was the point I was trying to make. Some are suggesting and implying that this is somehow a crazy idea. I'm suggesting that its not crazy nor silly and should be given due consideration.

True, we both agree on this point as do the majority of posters here. What the majority are comfortable with is leaving a young infant for a few hours, a day, day or two with a capable adult, but in your world, a week or two, or perhaps more with a "capable" stranger is completely au fait. But again, each to their own.

We agree 100% except for the "stranger" part. A helper who has been carefully chosen and been observed in our household for 2 months is not a stranger to me.

Now there is this other thought that has been put forward by another poster:

feelings of abandonment that may come up if you take off and leave your little one for an extended period of time. Children are super sensitive and something like that could likely affect him/her for the rest of his/her life

I still haven't been able to find anything online to substantiate this. I would love to hear other people's thoughts on this assertion. Personally, I think its pure bunk.

 

[Gracey]

Howard.
In that case, I'd always choose the mother. New parents know more than they think they do -- it's an instinct. Plus, there's no love like a parent's love. That's not to put down helpers, who are great.
But I think you're being dismissive of "a brand new mother who has only 6 months experience." It's the "only" that does it for me. You learn alot in those 6 months.
In most countries, those "brand new mothers" are the ones who single-handed care for their babies without helpers, and they do fine. This is what all of my friends in the US or Europe do.

I'm pretty relaxed and I leave my infant at home with the helper all day when I'm at work. But I would not leave her with a helper -- no matter how nice or how trustworthy -- for 24-hour care, for an extended period, with no parents even in town to call, unless there was an emergency. A family tragedy or crisis is an emergency.
"I haven't had an alone vacation with hubby for a while" is not an emergency. Nor is "I don't want my baby to get jet lag." Or "I don't want to bother finding a babysitter when we go for dinner."
Like many people said above, it all changes when you become a parent. Because of a difficult pregnancy, I didn't leave HK for a vacation from Oct 2010 to just now -- longer than I've ever gone. But that's just life.

Plus, I think it's unfair to the helper. That's alot of work.
We treat our helper basically like a nanny who helps us out. Ultimately, we're the parents and we do alot of the parenting heavy-lifting ourselves.
If we go anywhere, baby comes with us if at all possible.
If one of us has to go alone -- say, for business - the other will try to stay behind with the child.