Rant: hubby cant watch baby for even half hour!

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purple1

Registered User
Sorry this is a ranting post. My husband is never a hands on dad, he can change diaper if needed but just have very little patience.
Yesterday was helper day off. I was feeding dinner to older son so asked daddy to watch 9mth old for bit. Baby is at stage where he is crawling all over and pulling himself up, grabbing everything in sight. So just need to watch him and make sure he is not hurting himself or grabbin dangerous items. But daddy can't handle that, he was obviously bored and uninterested after 10min. The plan was for him to take older boy out for a walk with the dog after dinner so I can put baby to bed. But he couldnt wait that long and interrupted son's dinner and offered to take him out.
I know watching a 9mth old is boring and not stimulating after - I do that everyday! Just really sad he could suck it up just once a week.
He's a bit better with the three yr old but often when I asked him to watch the boy, they will end up watching tv or playing with computer or iPad.
It's Monday but I am dreading Sunday already!
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I agree with the posters about hubbies and lack of hands on action. My husband, honestly does more than most hubbies do (comparing with my friends in HK), but a whole lot less than what our friend's hubbies do in Australia. Unfortunately it is the culture here that women tend to take on the heavier load and are expected to grin and bear it. My MIL used to tell me that if I didn't want to make a special effort for my hubby, made too many demands on him ect there were at least a million ladies who would gladly take my place uncomplainingly.......not helpful at all........
It's unfortunate and you hope that you can sit down and have a heart to heart with your husband, and explain to him when you are calm and not so hot headed that you need help too, so that your two children will be well taken care of......
 
Feel sorry for you ladies. My husband is a local guy but he definitely is a hands-on dad. Even my husband's father who has always been very critical of him (to the point of being downright humiliating) recently told my husband, "You have a good bond with your children." We were all kind of shocked. I don't think it has to be the way it is just because a guy is Chinese or local.

purple1, if my husband acted like that I would be a very unhappy person to live with.
 
I am trying to come to terms with it. I know he loves the kids and love to interact with them. I saw him enjoying playing with my older son more and more as he grows older and can interact.
When I met hubby, I knew he is not a detailed oriented or super caring type and I knew he would never do housework etc. I love many aspects of him and dont expect him to change. But, I still can't help feeling frustrated and upset sometimes......
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purple1 said:
And btw, he is not chinese/ Asian
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Guess I was thinking of mummymoo's comment about her MIL which seems like a very Asian MIL comment (based on other Asian MIL comments I've read and heard). Anyway, I guess if you knew what you were getting into with his personality and are okay with it then that's fine. I'm just saying that for me, that would be a serious dealbreaker in our house. And, I would expect my husband to change with the duties of fatherhood--assuming he had agreed to have children with me. I'm glad it's a non-issue with us, though.
 
I think sometimes it is less to do with not caring, but feeling out of your element. My husband is a proud guy and good at his job, but when it comes to the kids he is a bit lost. Men aren't used to asking for directions (or they just refuse to). Think of it this way, your husband came over to offer to take out your older son. He could have just played on the iPad or something while ignorning the baby rather than tried to be helpful (albeit, misplaced since you were still feeding your older son).

I noticed recently that my daughter and husband learned how to play hide and go seek. Now all of a sudden my husband is super happy to play with her, all electronic devices off, because when she 'finds' him she is so delighted and happy and he feels great...especially since that's a game only the two of them play.

Maybe teach your husband some things to do with the 9 month old, give him more direction, and see how it goes.
 
Just thinking that parenting is a SKILL and most people (including mothers--and definitely me) are not naturals at it. I guess it's a continuum. Playing with your child is also a learned skill so yes, I think that ssheng has a very good point. If it's not an attitude problem (as in, "I can't be bothered to care") then it probably is a skill deficiency. As long as your husband is open to "being taught" (by you--or even joining a playgroup is a good way to observe and learn) how to engage with his children better (even the baby ones) then that could help but some dads aren't open to that at all for whatever reason. And also, not all men don't ask for directions--my husband is the type that is pretty humble and loves to learn things so he comes at life with the attitude that he can learn to be good at anything as long as he has a good teacher. Yes, thumbs up for attitude+skill=parenting success. :)
 
i have a lot of dads who come to playgroup with their children/babies on the weekend. it's great to see them attempt to interact and engage their kids. but i will say, some come with gusto and are the first ones to be up singing and dancing with me and others i have to really push.... but i do do it, i push them. i explain that kids learn by example and if the parent they are with is sitting like a bump on a log, then that is what their child will do, too. it seems to work and i can get the daddys up and being silly 99% of the time. once they see the other dads doing it, they don't feel foolish themselves.

i think that is another possible aspect. when you talk to a 9 month old, you don't expect a response. it's like talking to a wall much of the time. as such, many dads feel foolish doing it. so they don't and then get bored really quickly and then give up. if the dad can get over feeling foolish and like he's talking to a wall, then he does a better job of it.

i was very lucky, my hubby learned how to interact with our kids by watching me carefully and then he did it himself. i must say, he's a natural. he has an excellent bond with both of our kids. but he's worked very hard at it. he would wake up with them when they were babies and change the nappies before he would give the baby to me to breastfeed. he was eager to give them baths and change their clothes and take them out for walks on his own from the very beginning.

he believed that it took two of us to produce this little wonder and it will take two of us to care for it and raise it... he still holds that view and is now reaping the rewards.
 
I'm not quite buying this dads need to some special coddling to learn how to play with their kids or do anything for their kids. It's not as if I as the mother got any special training on how-to-be-a-mom. I went into labour, I breastfed, I changed diapers, I learned how to rock my baby to sleep, I play with my baby through trial and error. It's not like there's some mom switch that teaches us how to do the needful - rather, there is a baby and we know we better do it or else. Maybe dads think that they have a choice in this matter.

My husband is hands on in helping me with the baby - I didn't give him a choice to not be and thankfully, he didn't show too much desire to just sit around watching me struggle. Yes, his style of entertaining the baby can veer more towards watching TV or iPad but I don't step in always when my son, inevitably protests this. So he's forced to do more because I'm not there rescuing him. So now he has his own games to play with my son, which he's discovered himself.

Regarding the article howardcombs posted, that's another extreme one. I tend to agree more with the expert somewhere in the middle of that article how pointed out that even if tribal people didn't do structured play with their kids, there was a lot of interaction and holding. My son is 10-months-old and he demands to be interacted with, whether you call it play or something else. I've seen Chinese grandparents get down on their knees with their grandchildren, I'm Indian and grandparents in my culture can be counted on to get silly with the grandkids so amusing children is not some ridiculous Western invention. That's not to say they be interacted with every minute or teh play has to have some educational motive but I don't see kids of my sons age at least entertaining themselves for more than 15 minutes or so at a time.

Anyway, the original post was more about helping with other stuff rather than just play.
 
howardcoombs said:
There is yet another possibility : The father does not subscribe to the notion that playing with kids/babies is a good thing.
http://www.boston.com/news/globe/ideas/articles/2007/07/15/leave_those_kids_alone/
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Interesting article. For myself, I think that the benefits of play for both child and parent are quite obvious and it's about bonding more than anything. If others can find an equally beneficial way of bonding with their children and it doesn't involve play, more power to them. But, you do have to wonder after reading that article why more HK dads wouldn't be lining up to interact and play with their children if they thought that they would perform better on intelligence tests--given the test-driven culture in HK. Also, I find one of the apparent arguments of the article that because playing with one's child can be boring this indicates that it's not natural and isn't that big of a deal, is a bit hard to grasp. There are a lot of things I find to be boring in life that I do because they have some benefit. Maybe playing with one's child is an "acquired taste." Lots to think about.
 
Nowadays a lot of people don't have much contact with babies due to smaller families and busy lifestyles. So when they do have one themselves, they are at a loss. My hubby knows nothing involving a baby. But he made an effort to learn. He used to take forever to change a diaper. Now, he can change/bath/entertain the baby. Playing, sounds easy. But for people who don't know how to play with babies, it will seems hard. My MIL for example, don't know how to play with my baby. So she appeared very reserved. Well, that is her loss. As a baby smile and laugh is priceless
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I have to admit I often find it boring watching my 10mth old. It is fun for the first 15min, then I'm just watching him crawl around. I sometimes play with my iPhone too- until he comes grab it!
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I do agree that some of the reticence on the part of the fathers may be related to 'fear of the unknown', the fact that with very little infants, they don't give much back and also in part, the desire to have some down time (watching telly, surfing the net) as life is really busy work wise in HK. If the wife is happy to pick up the slack then the dads can lapse into a pattern of taking this for granted, so as you become busier and busier as more children come along and their needs become greater, the poor wife just ends up doing it all and becoming accustomed to not getting any help whether you ask for it or not.

In my case, I managed to cope with doing it all for our first DC but when the second came along I just couldn't cope, hired help or not. Somethings warrant the parents personal attention. I sat my hubby down and we had a very frank discussion, and I came to realise that half the problem is that my hubby never thought that I wasn't coping because I always 'just did'. It was an eye opener. Now that he helps much more (although not as much as I would like), he's really reaping the benefits of how close he feels to the children. In some respects you need to do the grunt work (bathing, feeding, putting their shoes on, brushing their teeth, doing crafties with them, caring for them when they have their nightmares at night)to benefit from the closeness you develop with your child. Like thanka2, if my hubby did not help when I asked, I would not be good to live with, but as women we do have to learn to pipe up and ask. There are no mind readers out there, hubbies included.

What I did not find helpful was the fact that my MIL always complains that her husband, so my FIL, never helped her raise the children, never even changed a single nappy, and I can tell she is envious as to how much my husband does for our children, yet, rather than feeling joy that her son helps appropriately and reaps the reward of increased closeness with his children, she seems to be very critical of my requests (she reads them as demands) for help. I've tried to point out to her that her son and I are working as a team, and that we both work, so that it makes sense that he would help out with the childcare....but somehow the reasons are not valid. I'm glad my hubby still responds to me, it must be difficult in the face of parents who continually tell him he should relax, he's doing too much and many friends in his circle that do bugger all. For that I'm blessed. As I've said before, guys seem to get an easy ride in HK compared to back home.
 
I am very lucky in this respect cos my husband is very hands on. In fact all the men in their family are! My MIL thinks it's the men's job to change nappy etc :) whenever his brother visits from the States, we jokingly call him the man-ny.

Think a lot has to do with how they are brought up, but doesn't mean they are not interested/cannot learn to be a more involved parent.
 
Obiwan said:
I am very lucky in this respect cos my husband is very hands on. In fact all the men in their family are! My MIL thinks it's the men's job to change nappy etc :) whenever his brother visits from the States, we jokingly call him the man-ny.

Think a lot has to do with how they are brought up, but doesn't mean they are not interested/cannot learn to be a more involved parent.
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What a great family to be married into! My aunt had five children and her husband is a "man's man"--I mean he raised cattle and spent his entire day wrangling animals. He worked outside in the elements so much that his skin is very leathery now. He was in many ways from the older school of thought about gender roles. Probably could spit further and cuss louder than most men I know too! He he he! But, he was always the one to get up with the babies in the middle of the night, change their diapers and bring them to my aunt to breastfeed. He took a lot of initiative with his children and was just as hands-on with them as she was. So, I don't think that it can be said that it's "feminine" (as some might argue) to simply help out with one's own progeny.
 
Absolutely not!! In fact I think it takes a man so confident of his masculinity to be comfortable doing the so perceived "feminine" tasks :)

My dad is the opposite. He is a great father, but very traditional, so all the cooking, washing, child caring is left to the women.
 
Obiwan said:
Absolutely not!! In fact I think it takes a man so confident of his masculinity to be comfortable doing the so perceived "feminine" tasks :)

My dad is the opposite. He is a great father, but very traditional, so all the cooking, washing, child caring is left to the women.
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I don't know if my dad could have been qualified as "traditional" or not but he probably fit into that category as well--but that's what was modeled for him and he never really "evolved" out of it. His parents came from "the old country" (first generation immigrants) and really the role of women was to "cook, clean and bear children."

Apparently, right after they were married, my dad came home with some carcass of a bird or something he had hunted and kind of like threw we down on the table like, "Here, woman, clean and cook this thing." She kind of laughed in his face and told him that sort of action wasn't going to fly in this household and if he wanted to hunt it, he would have to deal with it. But, my mom did cook three meals a day from scratch for most of my growing up years and can vegetables in a hot kitchen for months with all of her pregnancies.

When we would cry in the middle of the night to be fed or changed my dad would nudge my mom and then roll over and go to sleep. When my mom was in labor with me, she rolled over and was like, "It's time" and my dad just told her to hold off that he needed more sleep--I think she had to call my aunt to come get her and take her to the hospital. Yeah...real "winner" of a husband. I honestly, wouldn't have tolerated that sort of thing for as many years as my mom did--she has a heart of gold, I think. :)
 
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