Potty training - how to cross the finishing line

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lisa88

Registered User
Since December I have been exposing my (now) 28-month old to the idea of potty training. Got her a potty, a kids' toilet seat, read potty books to her, Elmo potty training DVD, Gina Ford method, the works. As I work full-time, my helper has to do most of the training.

It took a full 6 months before my girl would pee in the potty. Prior to this she would sit on the potty/toilet but would NOT pee/poo in it. The past 6 weeks, she will pee in the toilet/potty with lots of reminders and persuasion. I'd say about 80% of the time, she needs prompting. About 20% of the time, she will go willingly.

However she dislikes poo-ing in the potty/toilet. She prefers running to a corner, hiding behind the curtains and soiling her nappy. No amount of persuasion will get her to use the toilet, even when we catch her about to do the deed. We think she is accustomed to poo-ing standing up, not sitting down.

She goes to playgroup 3X a week so she has seen the older kids using the kids' loos there.

I have asked my helper to bribe my toddler with fruit gums, but my helper has some weird idea about not bribing my toddler - apparently she just gives the sweets BEFORE the deed which is useless. I am out working full time so I just have not pushed very hard on this.

My toddler is very strong-willed and independent. She is very clear when she wants her toys, books, snacks, TV, videos, etc so it is a matter of willpower whether she asks to use the potty/toilet like everything else she wants.

How to crack this? I don't think success is far off but also I don't want to push my toddler too hard as it could be counter-productive.
 
I'm interested in how you got her to pee in the potty at all - I can't get beyond "NO!" (Headstrong boy) Advice welcome..
 
This is very, very common; from what i understand it is not so much the standing up vs sitting down that's the issue but the fact that the poo is 'falling away' in the toilet as opposed to being in the nappy, so a completely different sensation and can be very unsettling. A lot of toddlers are just not comfortable with that feeling.My daughter and practically every todller i know had this issue, some for only a few weeks or a month (my daughter lucky for me), others for a year or more.
Also, she is at the prime age for testing the limits and the poo is a great way to do that - you can't make her poo on the potty/toilet and she knows that. If she is strong willed and independent, that makes sense. It sounds from what you have said (and I may be wrong but just from what you have written) that there has been a fair bit of focus on toilet training for a long time (over 6 months) which means she knows it is something that will get your attention.

It will happen eventually but I honestly think the more pressure you put on her, the longer it will take. Also you don't want to get in the situation my friend did where her son got so het up about pooing in the toilet that he wouldn't poo at all (he was totally out of nappies during the day) and so if he needed to go and couldn't wait for the night nappy he would hold onto the poo. He got really upset and agitated, it was horrible to see and also terribly constipated which then became a vicious circle as it hurt when he did poo. So although i know it is very frustrating please bear that in mind. My son is currently the age my daughter started weeing on the toilet (25 months) but is very firm that he won't do this and wants to wear a nappy. I mention it regularly but am not going to make it into a battle as I know it is only one I can lose...and when he is ready he will be happy to do it (hopefully it doesn't take too long!!) Good luck
 
Janeym, amazingly one morning in early June she pee-d in the toilet. She has just woken up, and was put on the toilet (note, she did not go herself). Maybe she had a full bladder. But it wasn't a fluke because the same day, she pee-d in the toilet 3 times!! Helper and I were overjoyed, I even said I would rush out and buy the Mark 6!!!

TNT, thank you for your comments, you pretty much confirmed what I have suspected. This is really just a power struggle and I have tried not to make a big deal out of her using the potty/toilet. Some days she would flatly refuse to sit on the potty/toilet, other days she would sit but refuse to pee/poo in it. Other times my toddler has surprised me by fetching all her potty books and asking me to read them to her!! It is the same with her going to playgroup, ie her teachers exerting authority over her. Some days she is an angel and other days she is a little monster - disobedient and disruptive in class. Just depends on what she feels like on that day. So we keep patiently trying, not too much pressure and some gentle persuasion, with success not too far off, we hope!
 
My daughter is almost 20 months and nearly potty trained except for the occasional poo in her nappy if I did not catch her in time. I actually started the process when she was 10 months old. I bought her a mini sized toilet that will play music after you pee or poo in it. This sounds gross but what helped is that she always saw me going in the toilet and when she had her own little version next to mine she was very excited. Every time I had to go, I put her on the toilet regardless of whether she had to go or not just so she would associate it with going poo/pee. Just sitting on it for a minute was good enough.

Then, after she got used to sitting on it, for fun, which was about a month or so, I would time 10 minutes after she drank her milk or ate, and put her on it. Most of the time she didn't go. If by rare chance she did go I would get excited like mad! I would start squealing with delight so she associated going in the toilet as a good thing. It took a lot of patience but by about 12 months she could keep a dry diaper during the day so long as I kept taking her to the toilet every time I went to the toilet and 10 minutes after her milk/food. I also took her to the toilet right after she woke up. I also took her to the toilet right before bath time as the bath water is running. I followed these rules religiously and it seemed to work. My girl is also very strong willed and fiercely independent but she has always done better on routine so this may be why it worked for us.

Key thing is to watch her facial expression. When she looks like she's about to go, I run to the toilet and put her on it immediately and usually she will finish her poo there. You can also sort of predict the time she will go poo if she eats on a time schedule. At 18 months, she signaled she needs to go by pointing to her diaper.

Potty training is very hands on and requires a LOT of patience! I wouldn't expect a helper to be as "hands on" and as consistent at putting her on the toilet at those set times as I was. I did not have a helper- still don't- so I was literally with my daughter 24/7 - and i was DETERMINED to get her trained by 18 months... FYI I am very much in the "attachment parenting" / dr. Harvey karp school of thought. I cant imagine someone else who loves my child as much as me who will put in the effort and dedication to potty training her properly and diligently.
 
Oh yea and at 12 months, I switched from the mini toilet (getting gross to clean) to a little mini toilet seat you put on a regular toilet so she doesn't fall in the toilet. This way, she goes in the regular toilet and there is less clean up. I got one for every toilet in the house. It works better than having to hold her in place so she doesnt fall in.
 
Your story about your helper trying to bribe her by giving the candy BEFORE the deed -- that cracked me up. Thanks for the laugh of the night. And good luck! :)
 
Hi Audreysmom, you techniques will not work with my daughter unfortunately: countless times when we know she has a full bladder or is about to poo, and we put her on the potty/toilet, she would scream NO and HOLD IT ALL IN. This was how things were for a full 6 months up til early June. Only after 15-20 mins (if she agreed to sit that long) we give up and put on her nappy, then she lets it all out. There was one time when she refused to pee for 18 hours: her nappy was dry overnight right up til lunchtime the next day. We literally had to put her in the shower and hose her down in the shower to force her to pee. As I said, my objective is for her to want to go VOLUNTARILY because she is very good at asking for other fun things that she wants. I don't want this exercise to become a huge power struggle because her urine/bowel habits could be come seriously messed up, as some instances have already shown.
 
hi lisa88,

i started out toilet training my son ard 28 months. and it was about the same reaction - NO! and begs for the nappy. he was perfectly able to communicate when he wants to do it, and what he wants to do - pee or poo. it took us 1 year for him to go to the toilet to pee. and only this week, to actually poop in the toilet. and we skipped the potty altogether. he hated it.

he is also very strong willed. in our process of helping him, we found that his fears for letting his urine and poop out of his body are real. esp the poop. this is what we did:
- we bribed him with candies if he agreed to use the toilet. it worked at first, then it backfired.

- we tried different positions. squatting. sitting. standing. that was realli helpful. after a long time, we found out he wants to stand on the toilet seat to pee. and just this week, squatting helps him to be less stress for poop!

- going to nursery helped with the pee part. cos everyone else WAS already trained. he had so many accidents in school. but the teachers were very patient.

- in the day, he went diaperless. everywhere. and if he had an accident, i just clean him up and remind him to tell me next time before he needs to use the toilet.

- i'd remind him after 1 hour or so of meal consumption, that he is in his undies, that if he needs to pee, we can use the toilet.

- after he was ok with the peeing, we moved on with "higher stakes". we promised him that if he successfully use the toilet 5x, i will buy him a big boy's toy. because only big boys can handle it. he wanted a jedi suit, to play with his pal, 8 years old, who has daf vader costume. i told him, after he owns it, he has to forever use the toilet to be respected like a jedi. tsk tsk. that was a huge step for him. from begging for a nappy, he was agreeable to try sit on the toilet. it took him 2 weeks to overcome his fear. everytime he tries to ask for a nappy, i'd ask him, "are u sure? i can give u the nappy, but there will be no jedi to save the world." and then i show him pics of jedi on my phone. he'd agree to use the toilet :P for days nothing happened. finally, we figured it was squatting that is the best position!

he is now almost 3.5 years old. his fears are real to him. i believed there's no need to force him. give him options and a way out. when he failed to overcome, and caved in for diaper, we reassured him, that we can work at it again next time. at least he did not feel like he was alone in this. the day he used the toilet successfully to poop, he squealed and asked me to call his papa to share the news! haha!
 
i've never actually used a potty but started with getting my daughter used to just "sitting" on the toilet seat (I did in fact buy a smaller circular one that fits on top of the actual toilet seat). started when she was 18mths. then would use books / now i-pad to distract her so you got comfortable with the toilet seat. i have never really rushed it, but she can now (35mths) she can successfully "pu" in the toilet bowl and when we sit her on it after she drinks / meal time, she can pee (though she cannot yet verbalize "pee") i think with potty training they have to be comfortable first and then when she started nursery, they take her so often, it kind of clicked. now i'm constantly asking her if she needs to pee / pu - with pu she's good with telling me, but pee don't so great - don't think she minds a wet nappy which is the problem - the pu is so much it actually "gets in the way" literally - to put it bluntly...sorry :( now - she's getting smart - once she wants to play the i-pad she says she wants to pee...of course though we make sure she has something to pee BEFORE we give the i-pad as a reward. anyhow, take it as it comes, we had carpeting in our old place so i didn't have a choice to go cold turkey on her, but at our new place now, no carpet, so i will try to remove the diaper completely - the diapers are not really all that wet now anyways so i think it shouldn't be too too difficult....am crossing my fingers! ;) good luck
 
Hi All: I just potty trained my 2.7 yr old boy by this 3 day method- cold turkey! It took me 5 days because he was sick, but it worked!:) I am still super excited! He has been diaper free both day and night since. Ofcourse we have had accidents but just for the first week. The premise of this method is that once the child says bye bye to the diaper, it is literally bye bye. Not during a playdate, or school or at night!! I know, I was so stressed that first night. In it the lady says that the child has to be 22 months atleast. If you are working, you have to take the day off plus Saturday Sunday. They have to wear a top and an underwear- summer is perfect. For those 3 days, you have to stick to the child 24x3 to catch them in the act and run. You have to keep repeating and telling them to keep their underwear dry and praise them if they are. That they have to tell you that they want to go. This lady says NEVER to ask- do you want to go? because as any 2 yr old would- they simply say NO! Also, never to let a child sit more than they need to or want to on the potty as it can create power struggles and wrong associations. Effusive praises if they went (even just drops) were most important, and/or if you want to give them stars, mommy and me time, very small gifts

First 2 days it was quite messy, crying, tantrums and I really thought this wasn't working until the 3rd day, breakthrough happened with potty and pee rest of the day. The next 2 days we tackled the night time accidents.

Please feel free to PM me if you would like a copy(its a pdf file that was forwarded by a friend) since that has more details and scenarios that I can give you here.
 
Hi suv, what u wrote sounded like a miracle! 5 days!! Could u share that notes with me pls? My son's 21 months and I'm getting him and myself prepared for this milestone~
thanks, anne
 
Hi pixelelf and suv, thank you very much for the tips. Good encouragement. Suv, coincidentally I am also reading a very similar book on potty training. It emphasizes getting the child to understand wet/dry pants and states that it is the wrong focus to keep asking the child to use the potty/toilet. The book also gives examples of mothers successfully potty training within a few days (dry night and day!). I will think through a change of tactics with my toddler.
 
Hi Ladies (and dads if anyout there) ,

I am having trouble getting my son to switch from his small potty to the small seat in the toilet. He has no problems using the big potty ( with us holding him when he needed to pooh) on a overseas trip recently. Thinking that we had it good, we hid the small potty when we got home and my son cried for 20 mins asking for the small potty when we kept insisting on him using the big potty, until we gave in. Now he still using his small potty and I need to try this weekend again on getting him to switch. His kindy has the small toilets so maybe he is not scared of falling in. But he seems to be quite scared of the big toilet even when we show him the little seat on top of the toilet. Shall I just wait until he is more ready or be more strong in refusing him the small potty? Pee is no problem in the toilet.
Thanks!
 
I am glad i am not alone in this...My son is nearing 2 years old and he knows to poo and pee in the toilet, ie he understands the concept and sometimes he would do it, ie tell us that he wants to poo or pee and we would take him to the toilet. We thought we are done potty training but now and again, he would say no to the toilet bowl or he would even say "oh I forgot" after he has soiled the nappy. What might anyone suggest? Should i remove his nappy completely whenever he is at home? I have read somewhere that I should (have) potty trained 100% and not whenever I / helper could get to it.
 
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