Please help going crazy with 8 1/2 month old

K

Kiwi Family

Registered User
My DS (now 5) was what many call a txtbook baby, easily left to his own devices, great at self entertaining etc etc.

DD - mmmm love her dearly but is driving me up the wall! I work from home and unwittingly thought that DD would be like DS and I would be able to continue to work when she came along.

Her constant whining, calling, crying out (not with tears) and crawling from one side of the room always back to my legs to be picked up is doing my head in.

I would love some advice on how to help her to learn to play by herself rather than have cuddles all the time or be helped to stand (her favourite position). I have been playing peekaboo and calling out to her when I leave and go into the next room to try and help with separation anxiety but it doesnt seem to be getting any better.

The littlest bump or knock caused her to cry out and I find myself now becoming so intolerant, and dare I share with you...I dont want a whining baby/child that cries at the slightest thing.

Sometimes I have to out her in her cot because I need time out and when I leave her crying it always escalates into screaming, 5 mins or 20mins. Then I simply dont want to pick her up because she is screaming.

I love her dearly but find myself wondering why she appears so needy, it seems like she needs a full-time person just to sit near and hold her hand.
I find myself feeling like a bad mother.
 
honestly, 8 months is still VERY young to be able to entertain herself for any length of time. (i know, i had the same situation as you... son was the best baby possible, daughter had a mind of her own from birth)

you are not a bad mother, but you have set VERY high expectations of your baby. perhaps your feelings are influencing her behaviour even more? you don't want to give teh attention she so craves, so she craves it even more?

do you have a helper? if not, i would strongly suggest getting one. you do NOT want to begin to resent your baby.

good luck! it does get better. there is light at the end of the tunnel. my once VERY needy daughter can now play for up to 2 hours by herself.
 
Hi TeamNZ
I agree with Carang, it's still very young for you daughter to entertain herself for any length of time that would allow you to do any productive work.
My daughter, was and still is, exceptionally clingy and needs me every second of the day and she is 4! I think it's just her personality and I so desperately wanted her to be different when she was young, but learnt to accept it and found ways around it. For instance, I would take my work to a local library, work after dinner when she was asleep or at luch when she had her longer sleep.
It's not easy and I really empathise with you. As Carang mentioned, a helper might be a solution, even if it's someone who can do part time help for a few hours a day a few days a week. The helper could take her out of the house to a playground/paycentre/pool or even a long walk in the pram? That way you can do some work and be removed from the aggrevation of a child constantly needing you full attention.
I ended up reducing my hours from home when I was working as I wasn't living in HK and had no real help and couldn't get what I needed done. I became a much happier, less stressed mum with my daughter.
Good Luck.
 
I think if you haven't already, read "Secrets of the Baby Whisperer." Your baby sounds like a "touchy" baby and her "neediness" is actually a vital part of her personality. The sooner you learn to accept it and celebrate it, the healthier she and you both will be (I only say this because I wished/prayed/hoped/pleaded for my son's personality to change in the first 1/2 year of his life and I only found peace once I accepted him as he was designed to be).

I doubt you're going to be able to "change her" into a baby that is more convenient (and honestly, many times I've wanted to change my son into an "angel" baby or even a "textbook" baby just to get some rest but I have a very definite "spirited" baby).

As you are working from home and trying to do two jobs at once, why not hire someone who can come in and distract (because at 8 months, distraction is probably the best tool to use) your daughter for the few hours a day you need to really focus and get your work done?

Taking care of your daughter is important and really requires somewhat of a full-time focus. My son is almost 2-years-old and he has just recently started to be able to play on his own for set blocks of time (15-30 minutes)--I don't know a single eight-month-old who can do that (well, a few autistic kids I know could do that but that's not a good sign).

I don't know if you have a helper already--if you do, teach her how to play with and comfort your daughter. Send the helper into another room with her with some activities to do and say "I need to work for ____ hours, please do not disturb me." You can pop in every 30-45 minutes to check how things are going and still be present in your daughter's development but in this way you get more quality out of your work time and she doesn't feel neglected. In my son's first year I was working from home as well and I was always on a tight deadline--this is how I coped. We hired a live-out local helper who came for a few hours a day to assist me.

Actually, not giving your daughter the attention she genuinely craves probably is making the clingy issue worse--I know that if I am too busy to give my son the cuddles he needs he just becomes even more whiny and persistent.

If you don't and aren't willing/wanting that sort of thing--hire a live-out assistant who can come and manage your baby while you work.
 
As others have said, I have no doubt that you getting annoyed by your daughter is making her more needy. I had a similar problem and decided to devote certain days and times to my business and the rest of the time I'm supposed to be 'on' as mummy. This means being there mentally for my children, focusing on them and trying not to think about the business. It's not always easy but it has helped everyone immensely. Before that I was often tense, felt guilty when i wasn't working, felt guilty when i was working bla bla bla.

If you don't have a helper and can afford it please get one. Our kids especially children that young really deserve to have at least one person focussing on them at all times. They want to be the centre of attention and they should be. Actually what is more important than them?

I think things are only going to get worse before they get better. Your girl will probably want you more and more now that she's getting her own mind. I found it easier with a newborn to work than with a 1 year old.
 
Hi All

Thanks for your feedback, yes I am slowly becoming more accepting of DD as more "hands on" and delightedly she is becoming a little more comfortable having time playing by herself.

thanka2 yes Secrets of the Baby Whisperer was our bible with DS and have been rereading it with DD.....

It seems as she crawls and cruises faster and easier she is happier, I sense that perhaps when she is walking is will be less frustrated.

Hi aussiegal thanks fr your feedback. A great idea to spilt the time. I have devised a strategy with hubby that gives him and I time to work and "play" at the moment this seems to be working and knowing that time is limited we both seem to be getting more and more efficient with work - yay!

Thanks all!!! :-)
 
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