parental nakedness around toddlers

[carang]

ok, this is a little personal, but we've never been shy around either of our kids. i've taken both kids into the shower with me as has their dad. we never really thought about it, but i was reading about it recently (what to expect, the toddler years) and they say that mothers should not be seen around their young sons after about 2 years of age. they say that it will mess up sons because they are "attracted" to their mothers and if they see their mothers naked, it could harm/damage them.

what do you think? at what age should mums not be seen by their sons and fathers not be seen by their daughters?

 

[wanfamily]

A lot of it is cultural. In Japan (I lived there for 8 years), it is perfectly natural for families to bathe together naked - especially in the onsens (hot springs). (The what to expect books also tell you to avoid sushi and as my doctor told me when I was there - there wouldn't be a Japanese population if that was the case!) My personal viewpoint is that it's fine. If you see nothing sexual in it, neither will the children. BOth me and my husband bathe with our children. Yes they notice things (boys have a willy and girls don't), but there is nothing sexual about it. As they get older, if they feel embarrased or uncomfortable, we'll stop, but I have many adult friends who are still fine with seeing their parents naked.

 

[HappyV]

carang - where did you read that?
It's based in Freudian theory, an to a large extent is discredited, in the sense that our cultural mores (at least in 'Western' culture) has moved away from the idea that the female body is inherently temptational.
Of course, other cultures may percieve it differently.

 

[Frenchy]

My mum told me my dad used to go naked in the house when we (my brothers and myself) were young... till the day i just stopped in front of him and stared at the thing... I was probably around 5 or 6 years old and sincerely have no memory about it at all !! But my father felt so embarassed that he stopped going around naked )
I think there is a time when children need to learn about intimacy, yours and theirs, but 2 years old seems a bit young to me...

 

[carang]

GREAT!
thank you all so much! i didn't think we were doing anything wrong. (i wasn't worried about my daughter, more about my 4 yr old son.) i thought it would be better for them to grow up unashamed of their bodies and what better way to do it than by example....then a few days ago i read that passage and it started me "thinking".... ALWAYS a bad sign!

 

[Koan]

I wonder a bit about this sometimes, we're a naked house too.

My son is only 17mnths old so we won't be throwing on the clothing any time soon. Right now he shows a lot of interest in the body. He points at me and names body parts, and will even pt at himself and say "No!" where he doesn't have the same parts.

I didn't grow up in a naked house, but I figure we'll wear clothes if it gets weird. If not, that's fine too.

 

[carang]

my children bathe together all the time. one of my son's first words was "penis". my daughter loves pointing out his penis and saying, "XXX has penis, I have b-jay jay."

 

[thanka2]

In the house I grew up in, we were rather free as far as clothing goes. I think by the time younger brother was about 6 or 7-years-old, my mother would shut the bathroom door when using the toilette and he didn't bathe with her anymore. As far as girls in the family being naked in the same room together--that has never been a problem. The saying from where I'm from is "We've all got the same parts, right? It's nothing you haven't seen before." So, high school dressing rooms without private dressing stalls and community showers are the norm and everyone is pretty relaxed about being naked in the same room with the same gender. However, growing up my dad and brother still often sat around the house in their undies and on a hurried morning you might see my mom running around frazzled in her bra and undies and an open housecoat. We never felt weird about any of this and where I'm from, no one else would either. In Mainland China, people are VERY FREE about being naked around members of the same gender. When I studied there, the city I lived in had bath houses (most people do not have hot water in their homes) so once or twice a week you would trek down to the local bathhouse and some women spend hours in there, sitting naked, brushing each others' hair, scrubbing each others' backs (and other parts too!) and exchanging the day's gossip. That was a bit too free for me but I was not offended by it (never adapted enough to scrub anyone's backside, but...).
This is such a cultural issue and personally, our family is not shy (and at the same time we have proper modesty) about our body parts. And if anything, I think this has fostered a better sense of positive body image as well has kept shame about one's body and sexual parts to a minimum.

 

[Koan]

This is such a cultural issue and personally, our family is not shy (and at the same time we have proper modesty) about our body parts.

I think modesty is a culturally loaded concept, and the qualifier 'proper' adds a whole other dimension to this as a cultural issue.

 

[0ze_Kid]

We too had this discussion recently and decided that it was OK for a little longer - I did however purchase a book called "Everyone's got a bottom" by Tess Rowley. Just to help explain differences in body and how to respect your own body (I thought best to do it as a story so I don't cause any permanent 'damage'). It is good, we have read it a couple of times. It also talks about siblings bathing together and what happens when one doesn't want to (and how to respect that). If that makes sense.

 

[thanka2]

I think modesty is a culturally loaded concept, and the qualifier 'proper' adds a whole other dimension to this as a cultural issue.

Of course, every family defines that differently. What I should just have directly said is that we aren't nudists. (But we have known some). We do put on clothes when guests come to our house. There is some accepted standard of "modesty" in every place and in Hong Kong, as well as where I grew up, the standard was that you don't show your private parts (breasts and genitals for women & genitals for men) to other people outside of your immediate family and then that is further interpreted according to age and family custom as well as the other things I talked about in my other post. Every culture and place does have a certain standard of modesty (what is okay and what is embarrassing or uncomfortable) and of course, it goes without saying that every culture is different in their interpretation of this as well as there are subsets in every culture that further interpret those standards differently.

 

[babymommy2]

What is in that book is crazy, my toddlers saw me naked all the time. I think they are more likely to think it is a big deal if never allowed to see. Seeing takes the mystery away, it is just seen as no big deal.my oldest is 5.5 now and he still sees me naked on occasion. It is rare now as he is off doing his own thing when I dress, but say we all go swimming, well there is no way I would send him into the mens bathroom alone, we all go into the family bathroom and use the same stall.

 

[zac08]

Actually I've read the section in that book about nakedness and it doesn't actually say that boys are naturally attracted to their mothers and therefore it could mess with them to see their moms naked... all it says is that after age 3, some kids may start to experience involuntary sexual feelings for the opposite sex and therefore it could be strange and confusing for them to see their parents naked (this could go for either sex - daughter/father or son/mother). Correct me if I am wrong Cara.

 

[carang]

you know what, i was reading through bit by bit, and i may have read a few different passages and must have taken it out of context... or maybe i only associated it with my son as he's the older one.

thanks zac, you are right in what you have said.

but it still made me wonder...

 

[zac08]

totally understand how it could have been taken out of context! i was just wondering if i missed something in that book... i use it as reference quite a bit and that perspective sounded rather 'unlike' something it would say.