Overprotective Husband - How Do You Manage It.....

F

fifihk

Registered User
HELP.

Has anyone had similar experiences? I know I should be grateful that my husband is so protective of his unborn child (our first) but we've had so many arguments over things he believes puts the baby at risk.
-- I had to miss my brother's wedding in Australia as he was concerned about a 'long haul' flight to Australia (I was starting my 4th month of pregnancy)
-- Was looking forward to a trip to New York with my brother in my second trimester that I cancelled amid his vehement protests
-- We don't have a helper so sometimes I get groceries and pop them into my carry bag which I carry on my shoulder (no lifting or 'core muscles' used to carry them), and he went berserk the few times he caught be doing this
-- I quit my job as the hours were long and the job was very stressful (banking - got home 2-3am if not later, would wake up 7/8am to head back to work) and we were TTC 9mths before I got pregnant. Recently, I've been talking about going back to work (looking for a job) after giving birth and he's pissed. Big time. Says 0-3 yrs old is the most crucial stage in a kid's development and that I should stay at home. I agree that this is the key developmental stage however, relying on just his income in an expensive city like HK - it worries me. In addition, the thought of being a stay at home mom fully dependent on him freaks me out. ESPECIALLY in light of recent arguments/confrontations.

Then... the latest episode this morning - I got organic hair dye and dyed my white hair at home (researched it and it was the safer choice vs going to a salon and using abrasive chemical based dyes). He flew off the handle when he found out this morning and stormed out of the apartment to work (business trip) after saying to me "if anything happens to the baby IT'S ON YOU". Miscarriages are unfortunate and they do still represent a certain percentage of pregnancies - even if you were to live an extremely sheltered life - HOW CAN HE LAY ALL THE BLAME ON ME????

Everytime we have an argument my emotions get the better of me. I feel crap and truth be told, I've been upset more often than feeling happy during this pregnancy. I can't help it, even though I know I should remain happy for the sake of the baby. I worry about the consequences but how am I supposed to be "HAPPY" when I feel like a prisoner at home, not allowed to live (what I would call it) a 'normal' and 'relatively free of dangers to the baby' life? It's like I'm just an INCUBATOR for the baby.

Has anyone had similar experiences or can advise how I can/should cope with this?

Desperate and at my wit's end......
 
Poor you. It sounds like your husband is treating you like an incubator rather than a human being. Have you had a talk with your husband about how all these statements make you feel, and how unfair they are? Also explain how his behaviour is making you fear staying at home.

There isn't that much stuff a pregnant woman has to watch out for - contrary to current hysteria that tends to treat pregnant women like delicate flowers - and those things would be explained by a doctor. You might find yourself a doctor who shares your mindset and get your husband to speak to the doctor.

About not working after you give birth, it really should be you who should has the ultimate say in this. If your husband feels so passionately about 0-3 years why doesn't he quit his job?
 
Are you both or is your husband Asian? Because he surely sounds like my mother in law and my relatives in general!

Firstly, don't be too upset, for the sake of your baby. As previous poster has said, you need to talk to your husband about how he's behaving, he needs to know that an expectant mother needs to be stress-free in order to have a healthy pregnancy.

I'm a FTM and I'm due next month, I wasn't allowed to travel to my sister's wedding back in NZ in Dec because it was a long haul flight and I was around 4 months pregnant then. I haven't actually travelled anywhere out of HK since becoming pregnant! With the travelling it can be tricky because your dr may advise against it.

With your grocery shopping, instead of going berserk at you, he should just suggest he goes and shops with you rather than giving you crap for carrying items. I was used to grocery shopping myself prior to getting pregnant and carried heavy bags constantly, if the bags are less than 3 kgs it's really no biggie! You could also consider shopping for groceries online when you get bigger- it's more the back pain that you might dislike!

The not working part I think it's really up to how you feel after your baby is born. Some might want to get back to the work force straightaway, some might wait a few years, it's a personal preference that shouldn't be forced upon by your partner.

Your husband sounds quite old fashioned, maybe due to his upbringing. But see it as he only cares about you and baby, hence the over-protectiveness. You need to have a chat with him and reassure him you're fine, things will be fine.

Do you have friends who you can talk to? When are you due?

Remember, calm mum= calm baby. Try not to stress yourself too much with your husband's "demands", relax relax!
 
thank you so much for your encouraging words! My husband and I were both born in HK but raised in Australia so I'm shocked how "Asian" he is in this respect. I guess it's also because he's CRAZY about kids (I kid you not, he's never had a wandering eye for sexy/pretty women, but his eyes linger whenever he sees cute kids) and because we tried 9 mths (and I had to quit my hectic job while we were TTC) before I got the BFP. I'm due Aug so as a "compromise" I'm trying to find a helper that will help with the chores (he still prefers that I remain the sole caregiver to our kid once he's born)....
 
Aww... I feel for you..! Get a doc to talk to him- no matter how stupid or silly his fears- a doc will be the best person to talk some sense into him.. ( I know this because I have a hubby who was borderline 'this'!) And about working- try and find a part time or a consultant job that only takes you away from the baby for a few hours rather than long hours-- I know easier said than done.. But try- that way you'd still have a foot in the door.. Still earn some money... And most importantly - still not get 'baby brained'!!!! Good luck ����
 
maybe find a "being a new dad" book for him... i used to have some great ones.

personally, i would be appreciative of his care, but i'd want to smack him upside the head at the same time...

good luck! you may want to discuss things when he is more calm and rational. and maybe point out that his freaking out on you is causing you wayyyyy more harm than carrying a few groceries home! i mean, women have been getting pregnant and giving birth for millions of years.... carrying a few groceries is not going to cause any harm, unless you are prescribed bed-rest or something like that....
 
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