need to not feel blue today.

1

1stimemum

Registered User
hi , my 16 mth old boy is social and takes to everyone, my husband, me and helper but lately he has definite opinions about who he likes. Right now he only wants the helper every morning and when I picked him up this morning out of bed, he just kept crying for her!!!

friends have told me they always know who mummy is but WHEN... right now he seems to think helper is mummy.

i spend all my afternoons from 2pm with him. Reading and playing in the afternoons is all me. Feeding/ bathing is whoever is free - not rigid.

I was so hurt i burst into tears the minute i could do so privately.

feeling very blue
 
I know it's hard but try not to worry, I think it's just a phase. My boy is exactly the same and I'm a SAHM so he sees me all day and definitely prefers to be carried around and play with our helper at the moment. It is hurtful but it's a combination of things, the helper is more fun as I'm the source of all discipline and routine in his life ;-) whereas it's her job to play with him. Of course he's going to incline towards the person who doesn't lay down the law as much and is happy to spend hours playing the same games with him!

I also think it's a stage that they go through with all their carers, sometimes it will be Daddy who is favourite sometimes you sometimes the helper, it's natural and it's about testing their boundaries and finding their place in the world. It's a good sign that they feel safe enough to push you away knowing that you will still love them unconditionally.

Children do crave boundaries and routine in their lives, they need a mother to be a mother who does the difficult stuff as well as the fun stuff, a helper is more like a big sister - that's what people mean when they say they know who the mother is. You won't always be the best friend or favourite companion to play with (this will be true as they get older and have schoolfriends too) but you will always be their mother.

It's difficult but try to relax and appreciate the fun moments the two of you have together and how lucky your baby is to have two people who are happy to play with him and care for him during the day even if it means that sometimes you have to take a back seat. He doesn't love you any less because of it.
 
It's very normal. Really just try to appreciate that you have a good helper that he likes, and you can use the time off to go do sth yourself, like go for a run, manicure, massage, etc.
My son only wants helper to put him to sleep as well. And sometimes he only wants helper, sometimes me.
 
thanks all, I am SAHM too so I cant be anymore at home than I am!!! right now i'm busy in the mornings taking some classes but I always make a point to be home by 1pm.

its true though that mothers usually are the strict ones, well in my h/hold definitely. I'm the one who says NO to him and daddy is super fun and helper just plays with him. Actually i wonder how they do it. She can play the same game with that samesmile on her face for hours, frankly I'ld go a bit mad!

i really cant wait for this phase to be over though. I'm taking him out this afternoon to the playground just the two of us, hoping to get some us time in.
 
1stimemum said:
its true though that mothers usually are the strict ones, well in my h/hold definitely. I'm the one who says NO to him and daddy is super fun and helper just plays with him. Actually i wonder how they do it. She can play the same game with that samesmile on her face for hours, frankly I'ld go a bit mad!
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Gosh yes, I get so bored playing the same, same thing time after time but my helper has so much patience for it, I like to think we both bring different skills to the table with this childrearing thing!
 
I'm experiencing what 1stimemum is going through. :( I just tell myself to give my baby more time as i just started to be a SAHM. And I think my helper is 10 times more creative them me when playing with her. I can only tell myself my helper is more experience as she handle so many babies/toddlers before mine. I count myself lucky but I felt upset about it too.
 
hi taysty, you're right. My helper has taken care of 3 charges previously so of course they have more experience which is a blessing to us. We just have to keep going but it helps to know other mums understand what we feel.

Today is better but baby is definitely playing favourites!
 
We are really lucky to have a helper like ours. I used to think no SAHM will be in my shoes. It's great to know that I'm not alone.

Hope your baby "playing favourite" phase pass soon.
 
taysty said:
Hope your baby "playing favourite" phase pass soon.
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Unfortunately, it doesnt pass but rather it morphs.
Next will be "I like daddy more than you because you are mean to me" around ages 7-10
Followed a few years later with "I hate you all, you just dont understand" around ages 12-16
Get used to it and develop a thicker skin and hope the teenager years will not be too hurtful.
*smile*

HC
 
taysty said:
Hope your baby "playing favourite" phase pass soon.
Click to expand...

Unfortunately, it doesnt pass but rather it morphs.
Next will be "I like daddy more than you because you are mean to me" around ages 7-10
Followed a few years later with "I hate you all, you just dont understand" around ages 12-16
Get used to it and develop a thicker skin and hope the teenager years will not be too hurtful.
*smile*

HC
 
That's the problem hire a maid. So i didn't hire one and do allllll by myself. It's hard work and exhausted but worth it.
 
Yes I agreed with you but my case is different. I hired a helper becoz I dont intend to quit working at first. I'm so happy to see my baby more often now that I quit.
 
Babies and children are able to break our hearts in ways that no one else can and often they don't mean to do it. It's a long process--this parenthood thing. I've had a few experiences where my heart broke when my son preferred someone over me--sometimes it was the helper, sometimes dadda or even the grandparents. There are other instances where my son has broken my heart in other ways.

Just remember that children have minds of their own--and just like us some days they want to spend more time with one person rather than another. The only difference is that children, and especially babies are 100% honest about it--they don't know how to "be polite" at this point. It still hurts and it shakes one's confidence as a mother--it feels like a huge slap in the face. I think it's important, though, to respect the child's preferences and not try to "make him like me more"--just be yourself.

I totally disagree with the poster that said, "that's the problem with hiring a maid" as this problem can happen with ANYONE--I've seen it happen with everyone in our family. It actually hurt much more when my son prefers Grandma or Grandpa over me. This can happen when the child spends any amount of time with anyone else but you and unless you are going to purposely keep your child away from other people (probably not a healthy approach) then you run the "risk" of this happening.

I agree with the poster who said that the helper brings different skills to the table to help parent a child. Why would anyone want to NOT give their child the best? Sometimes giving your child the best means that several different people have input into his or her life--each offering their best to your child. I know for myself, by myself, I wouldn't have the energy to really give my child the best all the time. Having a helper means that I hardly ever lose my temper with my children because I'm not running in a constant state of exhaustion. Before helper (which was almost 2 years) I would reach that "burnout" phase and I wasn't a very happy mama to be around. Sometimes I think that it's like self-martyrdome or someone having a super-mom complex that drives women to try to do everything on their own so they can "hoarde" all the attention of their children to themselves. It may work for some people definitely not for me. Been there, done that, not so much fun for anyone in my family.

But, just know, that it's just an emotion--and every mom is going to be filled with overwhelming emotions all of their child's life--joy, sadness, frustration, excitement, pride, worry and even emotions that are so deep we can't even express them. I remember a quote I read when I was pregnant with my first child that said:

?Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.?-Elizabeth Stone
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I think that pretty much sums it up. So, we can't let all emotions just completely rock our worlds every time we feel them. Feel them and then move on. That method has kept me going these past 4 years.

But, yes, I do empathize with your feelings. Most moms do, I think.
 
My daughter and I were separated from daddy while I was going back to school in the states. She had only seen him several times for a year and half when she was 12 -28 months old and around 20 months she would start crying out for him when she was upset. This did not make sense to me as she had only been with him for limited amounts of time. Eventually it passed. I asked someone about it and they said that she could have been doing it because of the reaction she was getting from me. I understand how you feel. For me it feel felt like I was not doing something right or doing something wrong. Try not to let it get to you as a lot of parents have had experienced similar situations. Seems like it is just a stage of growing up.
 
Thanka2, after reading what you wrote I felt so much better. I will continue to give the best I can to my baby and cherish the time as a SAHM in the time being.
 
thanka2 and all the other mums out there,

thanks for the great advice. It does shake your confidence as thanka2 aptly puts it, " am i doing something wrong? am i not enough ?"

but I am learning to be a little more detached (in a yogic/ buddhist sense) and not let it get to me. Most importantly, I"m obviously going to love him exactly the same.

but as some of you who have older kids have warned me, this behaviour doesnt really go away, just manifests in different forms at diff ages so I really better get used to it!
 
I'm a working mom of a 4-mo-old. This is exactly what I'm worried about, that my baby will favour helper over me! I can't imagine how hurt I'll feel! Actually, last week, my LO smiled at my helper instead of me, my heart's already broken! I know at this age he's not really playing favourites yet, but I'm just so worried. I work from 9-6 and rush home everyday to play with DS before he sleeps (he sleeps in my room). Is there anything I can do to prevent this from happening? Well, I know I should be grateful that I have a good helper and I DO want DS to like her, but.... not over me....
 
After reading some of your posts I'm feeling a bit better. I guess I need to remind myself that I do need to let go sometimes. I should be grateful that he has so many people that he loves and who loves him.
 
I'm a mum working full time too.
With the first one, I suffered from terrible guilt and didn't cope really well when my son favoured the helper. My mistake was to follow Gina Ford's routine - baby sleeping early, in his own cot, ... . So with the second one, I threw Gina Ford out the window and she co-sleeps with me, donn't follow a strict bedtime routine especially on the weekends ... .

Sometimes, I have to work late and don't put her to bed, my helper does or I don't get to come home in time to feed her. So with her, I actually see even less of her than my first one. And, the time I have with her, I have to share with my older son. However, despite getting less of me and my time, she has NEVER once (so far) picked my helper. Not because my helper is not a good one. She is. I have attributed her closeness to me to the co-sleeping, the one thing that I do every night regularly. We sleep pretty much nose to nose and forehead to forehead cuddling.

So take heart. If you found something to do everyday that brings 'intimacy' to the both of you, perhaps, she'll want you 'more'. And, know that when they grow older, they know that the helper is just that and mummy is still preferred. My 5 year old is testament to that. He will NEVER ask for the helper, he will always ask mum. When you feel guilty, or bad, just look forward. All that time you spent when they are little, will pay off when they are older and understand. Now, is just temporary affection for the helper but what you do everyday is a form of emotional savings for the future relationship.
 
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