1stTimeMum
We've just hired our first live-in helper as well. First, we went through a
great agency that I can't recommend enough called
Arrow and they serve as a facilitator for the time being for difficult issues we run into with our helper. They do weekly check-backs with us to ask how things with our helper are going. They also check with the helper to see how she's adjusting.
This money thing is a
HUGE issue that should not be taken lightly. To ask for two advances before you've even finished a 2-week period of continuous work is inexcusable. Then to try to guilt-trip a pregnant woman into forking over more money by putting on the "sad face" is even worse.
In every relationship there has to be clear, healthy boundaries--including the employee/employer relationship. If I were in your position, I would not be comfortable with the actions that your helper is taking toward you.
You can't solve all of her financial woes and be the provider for her family back home--even though as a compassionate person you want to do all that you can do. I'm not saying you can't help and the suggestions carang may be good places to start. Keep in mind that you hired an employee, you did not adopt an entire family or village. You gave her the opportunity to work for a wage she would not be earning in her home country now it's up to her to manage that money and do her best with it.
Not only can you not solve all of her and her family's problems it's not your responsibility to. You entered into a contract with her that has specific terms and at least until she has established some sort of work history with you (in Hong Kong, usually the minimum probationary period is 3 months) you shouldn't feel obligated to go beyond the boundaries laid out in that contract. Two weeks is not sufficient work history for her to start putting strong requests or demands upon your family. Even if she's doing a great job. Let her work for her wage for awhile and continue to have a good work ethic knowing she won't get any special advances and if her work ethic and performance continues to be as great as it is now, then at some point in the future, at your own comfort, you can decide whether to give her a raise.
Because as shenzhenjennifer said, it quickly has become a case of "give an inch, take a mile"--you were gracious to her with both finances and time off and now the requests just come rolling in. To your helper, you may appear to be extremely wealthy and she may think, "Well, what is a few thousand Hong Kong dollars to this person...they're already rich." And whether you can or cannot afford that is not the issue--it's the principle.
Let me make this clear, personally, I am a very generous, compassionate and caring individual. I am the type of person who sees every stray animal and wants to bring them home and rescue them. Everywhere I look it seems I can also see or pick up on needs of people and I want to come to the rescue and help. There comes a point where you have to set your boundaries, though in order to keep order in your own life and also so that you can truly be of benefit to other people.
Our helper has only been with us for about two weeks now and already we've needed to make clear boundaries. We made the decision to give her 1/2 of her first month's salary upon her arrival. Giving a portion of her first month's salary at the onset was a suggestion made my our agency. We chose to do this for two reasons 1) To show good faith and our gratitude that she has come here to serve our family 2) So that she will have funds immediately available for her own personal needs.
We also made her a welcome basket with a large set of shampoos and conditioners, snack foods from the Philippines and other odds and ends and toiletries. At first, she was overwhelmed that we would do that for her. But, I think that already our helper has picked up on my tendency to be soft-hearted and so within a few days she started mentioning to me on a pretty regular basis all of the different things that she doesn't have. She went to see her sister who lives here and bought some clothes and made kind of a big show of showing me the clothes and telling me and other people in our family that she doesn't have clothes and doesn't have this and doesn't have that and that everything is so expensive.
At first I was like, "Well, I should buy her this or that." But then my mother stopped me and said something to the effect, "While I understand that she is here to make money, there comes a time when you have to spend a little money just to have the basic necessities."
Basically, I don't want to give my helper the idea that I'm going to be her "sugar mama" and that she can just call on me to fill every need that she has. This is initially one of the biggest reasons why I was apprehensive about hiring a helper--I already have one child and a husband and I didn't want to have to "adopt" another grown individual. As an adult, your helper should either know how to take care of herself or start learning how.
Yes, she makes a lot less money than I do and that's how things are but I can't feel guilted so much that I just open my wallet anytime she flashes the "sad face." So, I basically just stopped responding to her "pity me" stories with sympathetic tones of my heart-strings being pulled. I listen to her in a matter-of-fact way but I don't want to give her the sense of "Anything you want, I'm at your beckon call." That is unfair to her to give her that sense and then get upset for her for assuming I'm going to take care of her like that. Because, afterall, I think it's just human nature to manipulate.
Likely, your helper has been the victim of dishonest business practices like charging huge agency fees. You can go
here to read about the situation many domestic helpers in Hong Kong are in and how they got there.
