My MIL is driving me nuts
- Thread starter cheerfulmama
- Start date
Ladies, all well said...rani, I'd follow your suit and also find myself a lets-not-be-an-annoying-MIL buddy to keep an eye out for me...
I'd certainly hope my son finds me a fantastic DIL...but, sigh...is there really any girl good enough for my son??? I doubt it...
BTW, he's now 1 and half years old...
I'd certainly hope my son finds me a fantastic DIL...but, sigh...is there really any girl good enough for my son??? I doubt it...
BTW, he's now 1 and half years old...
I've written down heaps of things that both my mother and MIL do that annoys the crap out of me so when my kids are older I can remind myself not to do them.
The other day I was lining up in a shop to pay for something and in front of me were two older women, both grandmas. (Say 60 or so). One of them was bitching about the daughter in law saying that everytime she calls and asks to see the grandkids there's this whole song and dance and she has to schedule it in and make a really big deal out of it etc. She didn't say it as nice as I'm writing it though, her tone was really angry. The other woman said, oh yes it's so hard for people once they have children to fit everything in, get kids to after school activities etc. She was totally sticking up for the parents and not letting her friends bitching and moaning go anywhere. When they turned to look at me one had a lovely relaxed face, aging but well. The other looked haggard and mean, deep lines all over her face, what I call 'angry woman lines', angry from all the scowling and complaining she's down over her lifetime! You can guess which face belonged to which woman.
So the moral of the story is don't turn out to be the bitchy mum or MIL or not only will your kids hate having you over but you'll end up ugly!
The other day I was lining up in a shop to pay for something and in front of me were two older women, both grandmas. (Say 60 or so). One of them was bitching about the daughter in law saying that everytime she calls and asks to see the grandkids there's this whole song and dance and she has to schedule it in and make a really big deal out of it etc. She didn't say it as nice as I'm writing it though, her tone was really angry. The other woman said, oh yes it's so hard for people once they have children to fit everything in, get kids to after school activities etc. She was totally sticking up for the parents and not letting her friends bitching and moaning go anywhere. When they turned to look at me one had a lovely relaxed face, aging but well. The other looked haggard and mean, deep lines all over her face, what I call 'angry woman lines', angry from all the scowling and complaining she's down over her lifetime! You can guess which face belonged to which woman.
So the moral of the story is don't turn out to be the bitchy mum or MIL or not only will your kids hate having you over but you'll end up ugly!
joyofliving
Registered User
"I'd certainly hope my son finds me a fantastic DIL...but, sigh...is there really any girl good enough for my son??? I doubt it..."
Maybe not good enough in your eyes, but as long as he loves her and they make each other happy you should not be worried
Our children's happiness is most important to us, isn't it?
Maybe not good enough in your eyes, but as long as he loves her and they make each other happy you should not be worried
Our children's happiness is most important to us, isn't it?
carang
Registered User
i have on occasion considered cutting off my contact with my MIL. i KNOW she has the best of intentions, but she truly drives me mad. there are WAYYYY too many things to write down here, but i understand where everyone is coming from. my MIL seems to have a seive for a brain. hubby tells her something and within 5 minutes she's off doing her own thing. i've given up. she's in her 70s, won't be around forever and she really loves my kids. i've decided that often it is better for my kids to go with her on their own sometimes so i don't have to witness everything there that gets me all worked up. what i don't know doesn't always hurt...and all that.
there are times i'd love to move back to canada to escape my MIL... but then i'd only be closer to my dad... MIL is BY FAR the lesser of two evils.
i really just keep repeating the mantra, "she's doing it out of love..." to help me smile and bear it.
there are times i'd love to move back to canada to escape my MIL... but then i'd only be closer to my dad... MIL is BY FAR the lesser of two evils.
i really just keep repeating the mantra, "she's doing it out of love..." to help me smile and bear it.
cheerfulmama
Registered User
We are leaving tomorrow and thank god that she is now in Shenzhen doing her nails. Yeah, that's her. So, up to now, we have been enjoying the peacefulness of zero of her advice calls.
in the next few days, I will be hearing (not listening) things like, "isn't grandma smart that I have brought this" "I just know that we will be needing this" blah blah blah..............wish me good luck.
in the next few days, I will be hearing (not listening) things like, "isn't grandma smart that I have brought this" "I just know that we will be needing this" blah blah blah..............wish me good luck.
B
Bumps
Guest
Goodness me, enough to drive you to drink!
Does anyone think it is Chinese MIL's that are bad? We have it drilled into us to respect our elders and Chinese MIL's knows this so they take advantage of it??
My MIL drives me up the wall. It started off badly when soon after getting married (after specifically saying to hubby that MIL is NOT to have a copy of our new house keys), she just nabbed a spare set when she was there when the locks were being changed! I didn't even know this until she announced one day 'now that I have a set of keys to your house, I can check on it for you'...???
Since annoucing my pregnancy, she has told me what to wear, when and how to sleep, what to eat (AND 'the most important thing being not to get fat'!). She has said you cannot die from pain during labor, but can bleed to death...Now all this would be fine I guess, if she doesn't also say 'I know all this cos I am more experienced then you so you HAVE to listen to me'...
HK2008 ~ I am hoping I don't turn out like my MIL and there's a good chance I won't. I am much like my own Mom, I tend to give people a lot of space and privacy, unlike MIL who tends to want to know and has an opinion on everyones business.
(Sorry cheerfulmama for taking over your thread but MIL talk always gets me worked up!)
My MIL drives me up the wall. It started off badly when soon after getting married (after specifically saying to hubby that MIL is NOT to have a copy of our new house keys), she just nabbed a spare set when she was there when the locks were being changed! I didn't even know this until she announced one day 'now that I have a set of keys to your house, I can check on it for you'...???
Since annoucing my pregnancy, she has told me what to wear, when and how to sleep, what to eat (AND 'the most important thing being not to get fat'!). She has said you cannot die from pain during labor, but can bleed to death...Now all this would be fine I guess, if she doesn't also say 'I know all this cos I am more experienced then you so you HAVE to listen to me'...
HK2008 ~ I am hoping I don't turn out like my MIL and there's a good chance I won't. I am much like my own Mom, I tend to give people a lot of space and privacy, unlike MIL who tends to want to know and has an opinion on everyones business.
(Sorry cheerfulmama for taking over your thread but MIL talk always gets me worked up!)
cheerfulmama
Registered User
It is very okay, Chibi09. It's meant to be a platform for us to share our feelings.
Boy, the 4-day trip to Shanghai was terrible, well as I expected. She kept bragging about how thoughtful she was to bring this and that, even though those items were so not important to be without. and she kept taking in charge of our daily schedule as she thought she had been to Shanghai for many times. Man, that was the first time in my life that I wanted to end the trip and go home immediately. I swear that will be the last trip together with her.
I am not sure if I will turn out to be such a MIL as I am so so crazy in love with my son. I hope I can be like my parents instead. My parents gave me a lot of space and independence throughout my life. They seldom call but they will show their care by actions, they come over once a week to play with my baby even though they live in the NT area (My MIL & FIL on the other hand, talk talk talk without actions, like the daily calls (at least twice a day), they keep saying how much they miss my baby, but they very very seldom come over for a visit even though they live so close). anyway, that's good as whenever my MIL comes over, she will tidy up my place and eventually I cannot find my stuff. urhhhhhh...........
Boy, the 4-day trip to Shanghai was terrible, well as I expected. She kept bragging about how thoughtful she was to bring this and that, even though those items were so not important to be without. and she kept taking in charge of our daily schedule as she thought she had been to Shanghai for many times. Man, that was the first time in my life that I wanted to end the trip and go home immediately. I swear that will be the last trip together with her.
I am not sure if I will turn out to be such a MIL as I am so so crazy in love with my son. I hope I can be like my parents instead. My parents gave me a lot of space and independence throughout my life. They seldom call but they will show their care by actions, they come over once a week to play with my baby even though they live in the NT area (My MIL & FIL on the other hand, talk talk talk without actions, like the daily calls (at least twice a day), they keep saying how much they miss my baby, but they very very seldom come over for a visit even though they live so close). anyway, that's good as whenever my MIL comes over, she will tidy up my place and eventually I cannot find my stuff. urhhhhhh...........
I can well sympathise with the MIL problems. My MIL has a real 'superwoman' complex, ALWAYS sniffing around for compliments from her friends, sons and husband. Everyone knows what she is about....to the point that one time FIL spoke candidly with their group of friends that she always needed to be the special one, the fastest one, the one who knew all the gossip etc, in the context of her charging up a mountain trail ahead of their holiday group.....too bad she was within ear shot and she completely froze him out for days......we almost thought the marriage might be over as he dared to speak the 'truth'...that basically she's an insecure ego maniac!
Having watched other MILs in HK, especially when they don't work and are Chinese, I realise this sort of insecurity and need for the 'yay me' activity is very, very common. Yes, she does point out every single thing she does for my daughter, yes, she points out every single thing she does for me (i.e. I bought you soy sauce as your house was out of it.....it was deliberate, I was trying to reduce the salt intake of my family....), yes, she points out everything and it's all about her. Very difficult situation for my DH and also for me. Thankfully I work so have my own income otherwise it would be a whole different ball game.
I try to keep in mind that probably life is not great for her, to feel the way she does and to need validation all the time. Life is probably pretty feral for her in fact especially if she doesn't get her little compliment hits and clearly as she is always angling for them, they are not coming nearly quickly enough, and she probably has an internal dialogue that is probably pretty negative, because, I believe, when one is happy and secure and occupied, you don't need to cut others down to boost your own ego. You just accept......
Cheerfulmama, you need to have a serious talk with your hubby about these trips as it will just wear you down. Don't worry if MIL believes the No s are coming from you, she's probably attributed a lot of negative things to you anyways, and if this is just another run on the board and allows your little nuclear family to remain happy and together...well so be it!
Sorry probably had too much to say on the topic!
Having watched other MILs in HK, especially when they don't work and are Chinese, I realise this sort of insecurity and need for the 'yay me' activity is very, very common. Yes, she does point out every single thing she does for my daughter, yes, she points out every single thing she does for me (i.e. I bought you soy sauce as your house was out of it.....it was deliberate, I was trying to reduce the salt intake of my family....), yes, she points out everything and it's all about her. Very difficult situation for my DH and also for me. Thankfully I work so have my own income otherwise it would be a whole different ball game.
I try to keep in mind that probably life is not great for her, to feel the way she does and to need validation all the time. Life is probably pretty feral for her in fact especially if she doesn't get her little compliment hits and clearly as she is always angling for them, they are not coming nearly quickly enough, and she probably has an internal dialogue that is probably pretty negative, because, I believe, when one is happy and secure and occupied, you don't need to cut others down to boost your own ego. You just accept......
Cheerfulmama, you need to have a serious talk with your hubby about these trips as it will just wear you down. Don't worry if MIL believes the No s are coming from you, she's probably attributed a lot of negative things to you anyways, and if this is just another run on the board and allows your little nuclear family to remain happy and together...well so be it!
Sorry probably had too much to say on the topic!
I have the opposite problem - MIL is quite indifferent and not wanting to get involved even though she knows we need help. My mum tried to suggest it to her but she said that parenting is like that and it is up to us to manage and deal with it. She is happy to share in the good times though, just not in the times where the baby is not well or having issues.
By contrast, she makes a lot of effort with helping to take care of my baby's cousin, who lives in another country. (MIL lives 5 min cab ride away from us). On the occasions she does visit, I feel a bit uneasy because she will check out all the stuff my baby uses or the activities we do with our baby, so that she can make sure the cousin uses/does the same things. It makes me feel like my baby is the secondary grandchild.
So I guess the way to deal with it is to keep telling myself that it is better than having a MIL that is controlling and interfering?
By contrast, she makes a lot of effort with helping to take care of my baby's cousin, who lives in another country. (MIL lives 5 min cab ride away from us). On the occasions she does visit, I feel a bit uneasy because she will check out all the stuff my baby uses or the activities we do with our baby, so that she can make sure the cousin uses/does the same things. It makes me feel like my baby is the secondary grandchild.
So I guess the way to deal with it is to keep telling myself that it is better than having a MIL that is controlling and interfering?