My MIL is driving me nuts

C

cheerfulmama

Registered User
We are going for a very short trip early next week, to Shanghai. It is supposed to be our first family trip with our little baby. supposed to be very excited. but unfortunately I am not, at all, because my dear MIL is going with us. She asked my husband so many times because she knew I wouldn't like the idea, and of course eventually she won.

Ok, now i am fine to have her. but what bothers me is that she gets so excited about this trip together that she started to prepare the packing long ago, and she keeps reminding me what to bring, how many sets of clothes, whether I need disposable undies, and keeps reminding me to bring masks and she told my husband that she would prepare the masks for my baby just in case that I will forget. my goodness. what makes her think that I will forget? she irritates me the most that she thinks she is the smartest and you are always the one who is less capable. she likes to be praised. I mean, everybody has her own way of doing things. it is simply a very short trip, and it is nothing to me in terms of packing. I mean, I am a very independent person, and I know what to do and when to do.

Do you have such a "nice" MIL?
 
It made me really annoyed to read your post...... I can just imagine your MIL! I would be fuming if I were you. Why can't she stay in HK? Why can't you have a holiday with just your immediate family? I find that sooooo intrusive. I would speak to your husband too, if he made the decision without you so this does no happen in future.
But the fact is she is coming on this trip. So, you need to mentally prepare yourself to detach yourself from her and things she says. Let it go in one ear and out the other. Do what YOU want to do - especially when it comes to baby.
By the way, I do not have a nice mother in law. In fact she is a cow but she lives in Australia thank goodness.
 
Just ignore anything she says, infact when she calls next time to give some "advise" just make an excuse and hang up. If you do that a few times chances are she will stop, of course she will be upset with you or might complain to your husband but don't care about that at all. When you go on the holiday make sure you don't give her any attention leave alone praise. Don't use the masks she is making for your baby or anything else. Agree with Bumps your husband should not have made the decision to take her along without consulting you first. Without going into details would add here that my MIL is just evil so I don't speak to her anymore after tolerating her for 6 LONG years.
 
cheerfulmama - you poor thing!!! I can sympathise with you totally. I would die if my husband let his mother on one of our trips, no less our first trip as a new family. I would be threatening divorce, in fact;) But since there`s nothing you can do about that now, and your MIL is obviously ridiculously and annoyingly excited about going with you, you have to deal with it in different ways.
I don`t really get along with my MIL and to be honest, once I spent more time with her I even liked my husband less - their being from the same `mould` and all that.
Luckily, she lives in Japan and so I don`t have to see her often. We actually just spent 5 days there and I nearly went crazy in my head. too much time wasted trying to grin and bear it and all with this crazy language and cultural barrier. And then with all the advice and questioning about the baby. Just take whatever she says with a grain of salt. Whenever MIL would claim that my fussy son was hungry (who just ate 5 min before and was fussy bc he was being handled with mil too much), I was just like, `ohhh....`, and then scream in my head and that was it. Oph, and then maybe later you can take it out on your husband since it`s all his fault, hahahahaha.
Just thank yourself that it`s short and wait for it to be over, trying to maintain dignity on your own part. Maybe you don`t have to consider this the first trip as a new family, since it should just be you, your husband and your baby. So NEXT TIME can be the real first trip and then you can go somewhere better and for longer. Maybe once your mommy-whipped hubbie spends a whole trip with her, he too will be annoyed. Try to let him deal with her.
The bottom line is, there`s unfortunately nothing you can do about it now, so just try to get through it. A few days will eventually pass.
Good luck and let us know how it all went~
 
Hello. My MIL is nice and she does not live in Hong Kong so I don't deal with her often, however my mother is the annoying one so my husband is the one who complains. Hahaha.

I know how you feel. I think your MIL has a good heart and cares a lot for you but just a bit annoying. Well, just say 'Yes' to whatever she says.
 
Just out of curiosity, is you MIL Chinese? My ex MIL was Shanghaiese, and really she drove me mad. But my current MIL is wonderful, and she lives in Canada, so we only see her once a yr!!
 
Absolutely sympathize as I too have a tiresome mother-in-law. I wouldn't go so far as to say "evil" but she is an intrusive, complaining, manipulative woman who plays the "poor me" guilt card any chance she gets! I have one word of advice: BOUNDARIES. You have to lay down some, your husband has to respect them and together, if you two work as a team, you will eventually get her to observe them.

Btw, I would suggest being more tactical in your approach and to pre-empt potential problems by not sharing too much information with your MIL (ie. on a strictly, need-to-know basis). That way, there are fewer things for your MIL to think/scheme/complain about. For instance, we usually don't tell my MIL about family trips until the last minute so she is unable to suggest joining us or criticize our choices! (But for this to work, your husband has to be on-side with you.)

Good luck!
 
I have different thoughts about the "accepting everything" part. What you do now will be taken for granted for a long time ! If you don't put things clear, she will have no limits in taking part in your life and deciding for you.
If you are not sure you can accept and let it go, tell her nicely that you understand she cares for your baby, that she is a caring GRAND MOTHER, but that you already care about all this as A MUM, that she should enjoy this time with you all and not worry, that you will ask her for advice and help WHEN YOU NEED IT, eventually that her behaviour make you feel like she thinks you are a bad mum (even if it's not true !) and that it's upseting...
Talk about that to your husband first, and tell her in front of him. Hopefully he will support you....
Actually that's what I did with my MIL, and it worked perfectly, now we can enjoy to spend sometime all together and nobody is upset or frustrated...
 
thank you all for the nice sharings.

My husband did ask my opinion about having her with us for this trip, and I know that she had been asking for many times. It is tough as if she got a no from my husband, it is definitely the no order from me coz my husband for sure has no problem to have her. So, I have no choice but to say yes, and I just hope that this will be the last time to have her in our family trips.

there is no point to discuss with my husband as he is always on his mother's side of course, at all, she is indeed not doing any harm, and he thinks that his parents are seniors and we should simply give way to them. Like when they take my baby to the park without putting any mosquito repellent, and come back with many bites, and they will question me why. well, this is another topic.

well, I understand that she is a caring grandma, but just that she is a bit too intrusive, like how many sets of clothes, my goodness. By the way, we are a Chinese family.

many more other stuff that irritates me, but now it's time for our early dinner today, so talk to you guys later.

Thanks once again.
 
I think there is nothing wrong with your MIL knowing that the no order is coming from you. It seems that most MIL seem to have difficulty accepting that the wife is now the most important woman in their son's life. My mother has a great relationship with her daughter-in-law as she has always respected that she comes first for my brother (I however no longer talk to my MIL as she has crossed the line too many times!!).

There is a saying 'happy wife, happy life!'...perhaps remind your husband of that if he ever feels 'conflicted' in making decisions regarding his mother v. you!

Good luck with the trip!
 
All this MIL talk is reminding me how my FIL is like... I don't have a problem with my MIL, its my FIL that crosses the line!!! Thinks he knows everything!!! I have to make sure someone is there when I tell him something, or he'll twist my words and something completely different will come out. I don't see them often, but when they're here, the days go by so SLOW... I feel like I have to plan everyday so that I don't have to see them.
One time, my husband begged me to on a Macau trip with his parents and promised that they would leave us alone... guess what his dad did... booked our rooms joined together (where you could open a door from inside the suite and go into another room, without going out)!!!! I was furious!!!! That meant if he wanted, he could come in anytime and take my daughter... we had no privacy.
I was so mad, never again will I go on a trip with them.
My husband says that's his personality and there's nothing we can do, that's just the way it is. Good thing they live in Canada.
=)
 
gosh, my MIL called again this late evening reminding me to bring baby's tooth brush and paste, and sun block. oh my god, I wish I could say that come on, why don't you come over and pack for us. oh my, she called us about 5 times today. I am so irritated.

envy most of you that your MIL is not in Hong Kong. Poor me, I have to handle her daily calls every single day. urhhhhhhhhhhhhhh........
 
sto anserwing the phone, then when she complains sy you were busy feeding the baby, bathing, etc and you couldn;t get to the phone. YOu might have to be blunt since she doesn't seem to get the hint, and tell her thankyou very much for the advice but you know how to pack and don't need the advice.
 
i would also agree to not answer your phone all the time, so there isn't the expectation you're always there to listen to her 'advice' which appear to be on a whim...

good luck with your trip. it would be reasonable for your husband to say "No" next time and for your MIL to accept you need some just-family time.

or do trips which involve activity she simply won't enjoy (e.g. maybe she doesn't like sun & beach holidays - so go to Thailand!) and exclude her on that presumption...
 
Now might as well make the best of the situation since she's coming anyway. If the baby falls asleep in the evening and you are confident about leaving him/her to sleep make MIL sit there and wait while you and hubby go out and at least have a cup of coffee or some fun close by. Just for a little bit. I think this is a MUST so that she realises her role is to be there to support you both if she does insist on coming along then USE her.
She can't possibly say no as even your hubby will see it as her natural role.

:gl:

Tell us how it goes and try to have some fun while you're in Shanghai
 
Hmm, MILs (& FILs for that matter) can be a real pain in the backside. My ones are 'know-it-alls' (shanghainese might explain why) and the MIL has to have a say in everything. I remember getting really p*#$d off at her for telling me how my son should be bathed while standing behind me watching every step of the process. I turned around and asked her if she would like to take over (that was when my son was 2mths, I was a new mum, didn't have a helper so just didn't need comments like that).

They live in Australia so thank goodness for that but they visit twice a year to see the grandchildren. Our problem is the comparisons they make with the cousin, who is two month's older than my son. Makes me ill when they start comparing.
 
Ladies, may I ask a question please...

My personal experience also told me that MILs quite often appear to be owning their sons. My one used to compete with me for her son's attention(no offense Mum please rest in peace). Now that I have a son of my own, I wonder 'could I possibly become such a MIL some day as well'? I wonder whether I could acknowledge from the bottom of my heart that some day my DIL is the most important one in his life(like smiles's Mum). I know the sooner I accept that, the happier everyone would be. But is it gonna be 'easier said than done'...otherwise how come we have so many MILs who simply cannot leave their sons alone?
 
HK2008 I have to admit it possibly helps my mum that my brother married a fantastic girl, so maybe a lot of these MIL don't think their DIL are good enough. I've felt my MIL's behaviour has been like having a very jealous ex-girlfriend around (sounds very weird but only way I can explain it!).

I'd be interested to see how many of these MIL are actually happy in their own life or own relationship. My mum has her own life, has been happily married for 37 years and doesn't feel the need to be invovled in every little decision we make.

Maybe it's just luck (or bad luck as seems to be the case!)
 
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HK2008,

Funny you brought this up. Have been thinking the same, and I've made a pact with my girlfriends, that if I start showing signs of being the bossy MIL, they'll intervene and they'll plan more girls activities to keep us entertained and busy.
 
HK2008 to answer your question, the one thing I've learnt from my parents is to give children lots of space once they are married or engaged and give advise only when asked for. I have a daughter (Is it differnt with son's? I dont know) and I already have a "Not-to do list" courtesy my MIL once she is married and has children. Infact if someone has a bad MIL/ FIL he/she should make it their goal never to be like them or else they might end up making life miserable for everyone.
 
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