My 21months old boy hits whenever he gets upset, he would smack on my face, or anyone who is near him. I have tried so many ways to tell him hitting is not good, he seems to know its wrong coz he always appologizes but would just do it again and again whenever he gets angry. Recently he is getting really worse, he loses temper over 20 times a day and that means he is hitting me or my husband and helper over 20 times a day, I m getting really frustrated and worried, he will start going to prenursery next month, I really dont want to see him hitting other kids at school. Please help and give advice!
My 21months old boy hits!
- Thread starter ahlee666
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Bumps
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As soon as he does it next time - he needs to be isolated from people - take him to his room and close the door. This will illustrate that if this behaviour continues no one wants to be around him. Don't talk to him as this is a form of attention. When he has calmed down that is when he needs to be told that it is wrong and must apologize to whoever he hit.
chelle_law
Registered User
Sorry I don't have a lot of advice, but wanted to let you know you are not alone. My son is also 21mos and is always hitting other kids. I have found when he is around his friends, he hits less often and actually tries playing with them, but if we are in a playroom with other kids he just walks up and whacks them, especially girls. I too get really frustrated and don't know what to do. I can only hope once he starts talking more he can express his frustrations with words instead. I am curious to know what advice others posters have. Hang it there!
carang
Registered User
if it helps, he is hitting because he doesn't yet have the mental/verbal ability to express his feelings of anger or frustration.
while i agree that he needs to be moved immediately from the situation, and that you shouldn't give attention to him, you MUST explain to him why it is wrong. you could say,
"i understand you are angry. I'm sorry that you feel that way, but you must not hit. you can do XXX once you have finished cleaning up. I want you to sit here and think about that for 2 minutes. I will come back and get you in two minutes. this is "thinking time".
or something to that effect.
as for hitting unexpectedly at the playroom. talk to them BEFORE you go. explain that hitting is not acceptable. tell him that you will leave if he hits. when you arrive, the first time he hits, he gets a warning. after that, you take him home. you listen to him scream for an hour or two and then explain that you left because he was hitting other children and they could get hurt.
give him another chance the next day, but with the same consequences. he will learn, but it will take a while.
while i agree that he needs to be moved immediately from the situation, and that you shouldn't give attention to him, you MUST explain to him why it is wrong. you could say,
"i understand you are angry. I'm sorry that you feel that way, but you must not hit. you can do XXX once you have finished cleaning up. I want you to sit here and think about that for 2 minutes. I will come back and get you in two minutes. this is "thinking time".
or something to that effect.
as for hitting unexpectedly at the playroom. talk to them BEFORE you go. explain that hitting is not acceptable. tell him that you will leave if he hits. when you arrive, the first time he hits, he gets a warning. after that, you take him home. you listen to him scream for an hour or two and then explain that you left because he was hitting other children and they could get hurt.
give him another chance the next day, but with the same consequences. he will learn, but it will take a while.
Neha
Banned
we knew someone who was very possessive about his toys and he would hurt other kids and the mom used to be afraid and watch him a like a hawk. But once he started going to school and got older he calmed down alot so it can be phase but u should still explain to him that it is not right and time out works only after 2 years of age and if u use it too often it loses its effect.
best of luck
best of luck
carang
Registered User
actually, as a mother of a 4 year old, i would beg to differ. time outs actually increase in viability the more you use them and the older the child is. they KNOW what they are missing out on. they do not want to miss out on it and they usually improve their behaviour accordingly.
21 months is not too far off ot 2 years. i started the time out with my daughter about the same age. it just removes them from the situation, allows them a calm down period and as they get older, time to contemplate how to stay out of the time out.
at least that's my experience of it....
21 months is not too far off ot 2 years. i started the time out with my daughter about the same age. it just removes them from the situation, allows them a calm down period and as they get older, time to contemplate how to stay out of the time out.
at least that's my experience of it....
take it easy my friends. Children need to release pressure at times they are annoyed or dismay like you or I do, yet they cannot be as easily relieved as we do since they have difficulty in sharing with you by words, thus the most instant response is convey by action, viz beating or fisting on someone or in air. Every parent understand the ultimate reason but they cannot control their own temper when they identify their children are doing something inappropriate in adult society. I presume parents reading these threads do not suffer from the sympton of beating others and I presumed in the old days your parents wouldn't as cautious as you are now in handling this childhood reaction. Just tell them this is wrong everytime they commit and gradually they will revert normal. No need to exert undue pressure in rectifying this error as doing so implies you may have been influenced by your own temper.
carang
Registered User
clouder, i cannot disagree with you more! i teach playgroups. i see hundreds of children every week. parents MUST do something about children hitting. how are they every going to learn otherwise? it is up to PARENTS/CAREGIVERS to teach children how to handle their feelings of anger and frustration.
i just read some latest research into this issue and what has been said before is indeed true: kids hit because they cannot share their frustrations well enough. the second point however, is that an average 21m old does not have any insight before the hitting, that hitting someone else causes pain. this reflective insight of what other people might feel usually only starts to develop after 24 months.
as such the best reaction with all small kids is to demonstrate the consequences to the child itself - you could smack the kid back so it feels the same pain, but as nobody would do that of course, the better alternative is 'time outs' and removing them from the scene - consistently applied.
as such the best reaction with all small kids is to demonstrate the consequences to the child itself - you could smack the kid back so it feels the same pain, but as nobody would do that of course, the better alternative is 'time outs' and removing them from the scene - consistently applied.
Agreed, we've not reached that stage yet but I think they develop the idea of consequences to themselves much sooner than they develop the insight and empathy aspect. That's why time out will work as it's easy to understand that "if I do that I get taken away from other people and my playthings".
Just telling them not to do it each time isn't a consequence, it's just noise. I honestly couldn't just sit there and watch my kid hit another one and just say "don't do that, dear" and by the same token I wouldn't like it if someone else's child hit mine and they didn't do anything.
We're teaching them social and safe behaviour that they don't understand all the time and I don't think this is any different to stopping them eating random stuff they find or stopping them when they want to play with the electric socket - they don't understand why we stop them doing those things either but we would never just leave them to it, or just ask them not to because they're too young to understand why they aren't allowed.
Just telling them not to do it each time isn't a consequence, it's just noise. I honestly couldn't just sit there and watch my kid hit another one and just say "don't do that, dear" and by the same token I wouldn't like it if someone else's child hit mine and they didn't do anything.
We're teaching them social and safe behaviour that they don't understand all the time and I don't think this is any different to stopping them eating random stuff they find or stopping them when they want to play with the electric socket - they don't understand why we stop them doing those things either but we would never just leave them to it, or just ask them not to because they're too young to understand why they aren't allowed.
would have to agree with that time out is a good tool as the consequences are immediate and the kid can feel the reprecussions of his/her act right away....otherwise it is very difficult for kids to empathize. having said that though, you really need to observe and understand the reason for the hitting...being unable to express oneself is of course obvious but what is the child unable to express - 1) a desire to have a toy / food that is not within reach or is being played by another child 2) a negative emotion - sadness, frustration etc. 3) is the child mimicking the behaviour for fun 4) does the child want attention from their care givers and not know the proper avenue to get it
whatever it is, as parents we really need to KNOW why there is hitting and use the appropriate way to stop it. my daughter was hitting at 21 mths too and i didn't use time out but rather taught her to shake hands and not hit when she saw a friend...the reason for her hitting was excitement, I showed her an alternative way to show express herself. She also has a tendency to hit people that get within her personal space (especially uncles and aunties she doesn't know), now I make sure people don't get too close to her, let her shake hands with them and then leave politely...but it is only because i know she doesn't like people getting so close...her hitting is instead of hey - don't get so close kind of thing! she's not 23 mths and the hitting really has gone down by a huge %
whatever it is, as parents we really need to KNOW why there is hitting and use the appropriate way to stop it. my daughter was hitting at 21 mths too and i didn't use time out but rather taught her to shake hands and not hit when she saw a friend...the reason for her hitting was excitement, I showed her an alternative way to show express herself. She also has a tendency to hit people that get within her personal space (especially uncles and aunties she doesn't know), now I make sure people don't get too close to her, let her shake hands with them and then leave politely...but it is only because i know she doesn't like people getting so close...her hitting is instead of hey - don't get so close kind of thing! she's not 23 mths and the hitting really has gone down by a huge %
I agree with the posts above - he needs to learn through consequences for his behaviour, you can't expect him at 21 months to understand (or care!) about it being 'morally wrong'. He has probably learned to say 'sorry' through habit, or by realising that he is let off the hook after he says it, not because he is able to feel guilty etc.
Time out is a great consequence which ususally works, if he is hitting out of frustration or for attention. However, you must analyse the reason he is hitting. For example, if you're talking to another adult and he hits to get your attention (very common) if you then give him a big talk about how hitting is unkind, you've rewarded his hitting with attention and he will probably repeat this behaviour next time (attention is so important to children, they crave it even if it's angry). This is why it's so important not to give any attention what so ever during time out - if he moves, take him back with no talking or eye contacts and keep repeating. 2 minutes is appropriate for his age. It is worth recording the number of times he hits a day to check that it is working, and make sure that everyone (including helper) is taking the same approach. If time out does not reduce hitting after a few weeks, then consider other consequences.
The only time I wouldn't use time out is if he hits to escape a demand, for example if you've told him to eat his food, put his shoes on etc (not that there would be many demands at this age) if this is the case, block the hits as much as possible but otherwise ignore them and continue with the demand - this will prevent him using hitting as an 'escape' behaviour.
Also, if your son is able to understand, talk about other ways to deal with anger - e.g. taking big breaths, squeezing hands together. You can practise these when he's not angry, and as soon as you see him getting cross and looking as if he might hit, give him a 'model prompt' by squeezing your own hands and taking deep breaths yourself. After the situation has cooled down, make sure you tell him how well he did.
Aside from the 'time out' punishment, please use positive reinforcement too - for example, you could have a 'kind hands' prize chart - if he goes a certain amount of time (eventually a day, but even an hour or 5 minutes at first, then gradually increase the time) he gets a prize (Thomas clip on youtube? a chocolate? etc). Make it visual for him, and have a timer that goes off when the time is up. Make a BIG fuss and give him lots of attention for having 'kind hands'.
Good Luck!
Time out is a great consequence which ususally works, if he is hitting out of frustration or for attention. However, you must analyse the reason he is hitting. For example, if you're talking to another adult and he hits to get your attention (very common) if you then give him a big talk about how hitting is unkind, you've rewarded his hitting with attention and he will probably repeat this behaviour next time (attention is so important to children, they crave it even if it's angry). This is why it's so important not to give any attention what so ever during time out - if he moves, take him back with no talking or eye contacts and keep repeating. 2 minutes is appropriate for his age. It is worth recording the number of times he hits a day to check that it is working, and make sure that everyone (including helper) is taking the same approach. If time out does not reduce hitting after a few weeks, then consider other consequences.
The only time I wouldn't use time out is if he hits to escape a demand, for example if you've told him to eat his food, put his shoes on etc (not that there would be many demands at this age) if this is the case, block the hits as much as possible but otherwise ignore them and continue with the demand - this will prevent him using hitting as an 'escape' behaviour.
Also, if your son is able to understand, talk about other ways to deal with anger - e.g. taking big breaths, squeezing hands together. You can practise these when he's not angry, and as soon as you see him getting cross and looking as if he might hit, give him a 'model prompt' by squeezing your own hands and taking deep breaths yourself. After the situation has cooled down, make sure you tell him how well he did.
Aside from the 'time out' punishment, please use positive reinforcement too - for example, you could have a 'kind hands' prize chart - if he goes a certain amount of time (eventually a day, but even an hour or 5 minutes at first, then gradually increase the time) he gets a prize (Thomas clip on youtube? a chocolate? etc). Make it visual for him, and have a timer that goes off when the time is up. Make a BIG fuss and give him lots of attention for having 'kind hands'.
Good Luck!
carang
Registered User
children don't need to "learn" to hit.... some kids hit, some kids bite, some kids pinch, some kids push. that doesn't mean that they are all being hit, bitten, pinched, pushed etc at home! it's our "animal instinct" coming out. i've met thousands of children and it would be safe to say that probably 70-80% of them show one of the above behaviours.
steamedfish
Registered User
my older son used to hit too. what i found to be most effective is teach him how to express his anger in a way that doesn't hurt himself or the others. sometimes kids just need to release that emotion physically.
i am still struggling with my toddler's behaviour. She started off hitting kids smaller than she (19 mths), especially girls. She now hits/pulls hair/bites of kids older and younger than she, boys and girls alike. She does not attack older children though (eg primary school age). Her hitting/biting etc happens about 50% of the time and we have to watch her like a hawk each time we take her to a playroom or out visiting. We have tried positive reinforcements, warnings, teaching her to apologize, shake hands, removing her from the room, taking her home, etc with varying success. It seems like she is really territorial and she wants to express this feeling when she is around other kids. She refuses to apologize and shows no remorse for hurting the other kid, who may be a friend or a stranger. I don't want to isolate her from other kids as I think it is important that she learns manners. However I am postponing sending her to playgroup classes for a couple of months to see whether her behaviour will improve. Temperamentally she is quite tomboyish, confident and fearless. Any child who tries to steal her toys/food or attacks her inevitably ends up in tears, regardless of age or size! She is learning to talk, and I try to teach her more vocabulary so that she can express herself. However this does not completely solve the hitting/biting/attacking problem.
you know I would actually put your toddler into playgroup so that she can get learn by watching how other children of her age act / talk...you might find it surprising that in a "neutral" area her negative behavior will stop and she will learn other forms of self expression. also, it might be easier to see what things "work" for other kids of similar age groups in a naturalistic setting...good luck! my daughter had 2 months of hitting too around about the same age and now at 25mts she's just saying "no" to everything...