must vent (unsalted butter again)

solidstars

solidstars

Registered User
hi sorry to do this again but i don't know of a better place where moms from all over the world gather besides geobaby. And this scene kept replaying in my head so I keep wondering if there was anything I could have done besides stay quiet?

anyways as usual today i got up with baby around 8 am and husband got up pass noon (world cup). i fed baby, played with him, he has his nap, etc. Husband gets up and already comments about how the house is messy and he has to clean up after us (like i was sitting around doing nothing all morning?). Husband relatives called to ask if they could see baby, which was fine with me and grumpy husband so we went to the family club.

everything was okay until relatives left, then husband started making snide remarks (deliberately within hearing range of MIL and her friends) about my cooking baby food and how i add 'butter'. I immediately corrected him that it's 'unsalted butter' and it's good for baby. MIL jumps in to lecture about how i shouldn't cook 'westerner' food and that when baby is under her care he eats all the congee she cooks for him by chasing after her for it (at the club he refused to eat the chicken/broccoli porridge I prepared, I think mostly due to the fact that he was too busy playing and distracted by other children, toys, etc).

But according to husband and MIL, baby not eating is because i cook 'western' food that's 'bad' for baby. Although I did briefly mention that baby ate an entire bowl of it this morning at home, i kept quiet the rest of the time because I didn't want to start anything in public and especially not in front of MIL's friends.

What else could I have done? Speak up? Argue back? Tell my husband to shut his lid and remind him for millionth time that WE'RE his family now and that we're supposed to spend the rest of our lives together (not that I'm saying to not spend time with his mom/etc, but you know what i mean) and how are we supposed to do that if he goes running to his mom everytime he doesn't agree with me or quoting her (which is very often).

What would you do? How can you tell what your limit is? Did your husband change after you had a child together?

Sorry I'm starting to wonder if it's only me and I got so 'lucky' to have married someone who changed so much.

My own mom is starting to drop subtle hints about how i might be better off on my own with baby.

anyways unsalted butter background link below (quite long so feel free to ignore): http://www.geobaby.com/forum/thread136251.html

sorry to go on and on, just feeling very discouraged.
 
dont know much except your last two posts.... but honestly why are you with this guy ? i really beleive in trying to make relationships / marriages work - but when it comes to a point like this it really might be healthier (even for the baby) to let it go.

just my two cents....
 
it is very difficult, i'm sure for you. i can't even begin to imagine having my skills as a mother so denegrated in front of family and strangers.

honestly, i think i'm starting to agree with your mother's take on the situation.

it sounds to me like your husband is a good-for-nothing whose favourite pastime is to criticise you. he is eating away your self-esteem and i truly fear that soon you will start to believe his bull-shit. Mothers-in-law exist to make their Daughters-in-law suffer... but your husband should be backing YOU(at least in public. if he disagrees with you, he should talk to you about it privately!)

i'm sorry, i don't know what else to say...except maybe your mother's right...
 
i read the other post and it is frustrating. least he could do is to back you up from MIL, not take the other side. if they are being unreasonable, why don't you just say, you know, "i think the pesticides in Chinese fresh veggies is poisoning my child, hence he's not eating those from now on. it's MY CHILD and I'M the only one who'll be cooking for now, so to hell with Chinese congee from now on." I don't even believe in what I typed just now... but just to vent, say it to him just so he knows how it hurts. It's probably bad advice, but I see the need to just vent.. AT HIM and AT MIL.
 
You could eventually let him know that this is going to far, more than you can accept, and that if he tells his mum not to cross the limits, she won't stop loving him.... but you might if he does not. Does he want to spend the rest of his life with you or with his mum ?
 
Gosh! He's watching "World Cup"! And gets to sleep in too! LOL! You're an angel to put up with it. Sounds like a man who hasn't grown up!

Why don't you just stop going to the family affairs at the Club?
Ask hubby to go on his own if it's just going to be another opportunity to criticize you?

If he insists, tell him how it is.
 
It is not fair for you to have to cop all the negativity. Your husband and MIL need to recognise that you deserve proper respect as you are the primary caregiver, and more importantly the mum. But I don't know what you can do to make them see that....
 
this must be extremely hard for you - mentally and physically to constantly be berated by your husband. A husband should be supportive, loving and caring. This butter issue seems like a big joke to me and cooking western food is just nonsense. it sounds like to me you are doing a fantastic job as a mother and that he is only hindering you.

perhaps marriage counseling would help? have you confronted him about how you are feeling about his remarks? Like many have mentioned above, this negative environment is so unhealthy for you and for your baby.
 
Sorry about the frustration you are feeling.
Do you get to spend time alone with your husband since baby was born? It's easy to get caught up with all the big and little things in life with a baby and drift apart. Maybe leave baby with MIL once a week so you and hubby can go out for dinner alone and refresh what you love about each other? It will be a more relaxing environment to talk about how you feel.
Try spending less time with MIL is one way to avoid conflict or build up frustration. When she comes visit, are you comfortable to leave baby with her and you go out for a walk or say " do grocery"? Going out with baby and hanging out with other moms can help you vent too. We can meet up somewhere one weekday morning if you are free.
 
i keep asking him the same thing too, do you want to spend the rest of your life with ME or your mom? not that i'm saying cut off your mom completely, but she's not the one who's going to sleep next to you at night right?

He seems to take it in a way that means that I want her exiled or him exiled or something.

I HAVE suggested marriage counselling, more than once, he says it's a 'waste of money' even though I have tried so many different reasons and angles already. He just won't go. A friend suggested maybe if i went alone first it might help at least me, but i know (150% sure) that if husband found out he will use it as ammunition in the future (ie. 'you went to a shrink cuz you can't cope'). Plus I don't think it would be useful unless we BOTH went, and I can't get him to go unless maybe tied up and dragged.

I don't have much family in HK, so if i don't go (which means baby doesn't go) to the club, then he'll start the whole 'you are trying to separate me from my family' argument, which in the end i always give in and go anyways to get him to shut up. It's really a matter of which is less painful. I think going is probably less painful so I don't have to deal with him alone at home.

Sometimes I think I'm starting to forget the man I fell in love with and married, since I keep seeing this newly changed man everyday.
 
im so sorry to hear this.

this is what ive learnt from my own family, growing up with extended families. the children are watching. even as babies they are. if you give in all the time, and not stand up for yourself, the children will learn these values.

but it is true, not all battles need to be won. sometimes when u win, u really lose. so you've gotta pick them. and i think going to see a counsellor by yourself will do you more good than harm. if he decides to use it against u in future, he's really not someone worth spending your life with.

sorry... just my opinion.
 
i really feel for you...i really think you should send your hubby to the family club alone with your baby to meet with your MIL and other extended family whenever they have a family gathering....you should do that at least a couple times a month. this way, you can get a chance to chill out sleep in, get a massage, whatever it may be! and your hubby will get a chance to grow and become a "real" father! The baby will be safe...since your MIL is there, and because she's such an "expert" there's nothing to worry about - this will be a good learning opportunity for your husband and you will get out of conflict with your MIL. Not really solving the problem here, but tactfully avoiding any problems that might build up with your MIL. The problem that IS solved...hopefully, will be that your husband will see how much work is involved with taking care of a child and give you more respect for what you do and who you are.

I used to worry (with my 1st) that placing her with my MIL would do more harm than good....but, now, I'm at the point where I believe they love their grandchild and so she'll be safe - perhaps not the happiest in their company (since they don't really have a connection), but let my MIL know what a tough job it is...now she constantly goes around telling her friends how "amazing" I am because I can change my daughters diapers and how my daughter feeds herself so well (she was angry at first because she was a very very messy eater)...so, there is a light at the end of the tunnel! Don't give up just yet! It's hard, I'm sure...so get it out of your system here, you've got plenty of support here and hopefully you will a way to deal with them!
 
As long as you accept your husbands attacks, he will continue. It's easier said than done, for sure, and much of it depends on your personal character, whether you are the type of person to stand up for yourself or not. But he will continue to bully you as long as you will take it. It's up to you to take the stand, and he will come to understand that being a jerk is not going to get him anywhere, because you are NOT going to take it. You need to have confidence in yourself as a mother, foremost. It sounds like you are doing a great job, but you need to believe it yourself. When you have confidence in yourself and your abilities, and you respect yourself, you won't let yourself be bullied by him or his mom.
 
Been through this myself so I will tell you this..... I agree you are the primary caregiver for your son and you are making the right decisions for him but in front of your husband feed him Congee for God's sake and he will keep his trap shut. I am sure he is spending 12 hrs a day, 5 days a week in office, feed your son what you please in that time. My daughter loves beef (homemade burger & spag bol)but my husband does not approve of it, so I feed it to her for lunch. Be clever and creative. Give him the satisfaction but in your heart you know you are winning :)
Self cultivate and do things that make you happy.
 
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thanks everyone, i really appreciate all your comments. It so good to have different views and opinions as opposed to just listening to my husband rant.

Just this morning he was going on and on about my adding half a slice of cheddar into baby's congee (baby doesn't really like bland congee so I was trying to up the taste a bit which he immediately started eating). I didn't say anything, not because I let him walk all over me, but because I can't stand for baby to be caught in the middle between two adults yelling at each other. As I fed my baby, husband was doing the usual 'you are poisoning baby, noone eats cheese for breakfast, you are making his stomach feel bad, his organs will fail, you have no common sense, you are killing baby' rant.

ANYWAYS, so today is just like yesterday except I have all you moms so I think I don't feel so bad today.

Ultimately, I don't want our marriage to just fall apart, I think I DO want to try to make it work but 1) I think we need to move further away from his mom's house, 2)we need to see a marriage counsellor and 3) he needs to trust me even the tiniest little bit.

Ultimately I know he and MIL are just wanting what they think is best for baby and are not out to harm him. But why can't they see the same of me? I'm not out to harm my own son! I just want what's best for him too, and although we might not agree on the same things doesn't mean that I think he's wrong, but unfortunately they always say I'm wrong. I'm just crossing my fingers and hoping that after the world cup and after husband gets a job (he lost his job which is why he's spending so much time at home) it will all get better. If not, then I guess I will just have to see from that point what's best for baby.
 
I sometimes eat cheese for breakfast in a breakfast sandwich!!! I wouldn't hesitate to serve my son melted cheese on toast for breakfast either (though sometimes he will eat cheese and sometimes not, just depends on his mood). Hang in there!!!
 
yes, hang in there, you are really an angel. I can't imagine putting up with half of this. I do believe that relationships with MIL should get better as kids gets older, (they will tell daddy and granny that they like cheese for breakfast and shut them up for good). you have many mommies support here, so hang in there!
 
that's why I didn't say anything! I know PLENTY Of people (and babies) who eat cheese for breakfast.

Oooo toast! Heaven forbid! It's crunchy and that might hurt the baby's internal organs or something or poison or the other! Hahahaha sorry I couldn't resist, I have not yet tried toast with T as I know I'll get ganged up on. Bread okay, bread with raisins not okay, bread with cheese not okay, and heaven forbid toasted bread!!!
 
Gahhhhh is all I can say. If I were in your situation, I would be letting him know that we need counseling so we can see eye to eye. Just reading it makes my blood boil! Hang in there. Don't just let it go, insist on setting things straight. If it goes on for too long you won't want to even try to make things work and that will be sad. Good luck!
 
While your husband out of his job and has time on his hands, get some books from the library on child nutrition or just kids recipe books and make him read those.
 
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