Mother wants to move in to help with newborn

T

tnpatton

New member
Hi,
My husband and I are expecting our first child in December. According to Chinese culture, the month after giving birth is a time when the wife's mother helps nurse the new mother and child back to health. My Chinese mom, who now lives in Europe, wants to move in with my husband and I here in HK for the first month after giving birth to help out. I think I would like my mother here, but my husband thinks we can, and should, do this ourselves.
So my question is: Is the first month a time when it would be a good idea to get outside help in learning how to care for a newborn, or should my husband and I use this as a time of bonding with our new child and learn to do things ourselves?
 
I would say get all the help you can. I wish my mum, who does not live in HK, could come and help me during the confinement month but she couldn't so we hired a confinement nanny.
 
i would definitely have your mom help out...family is always better than outside help...bonding is nice, but you've got plenty of time to bond, not just the first month. also, it's always easier to just leave your baby with your mom if you and your husband would like some down time than someone else (except for a confinement nanny in my opinion)...
 
I'd say it really, really depends on your relationship with your mum and your husband's relationship with your mum.

The first month is hard and any help you can get is fantastic so if I were you I'd try and look at the situation as it is without any shoulds (we should have mum to stay vs. should do it on our own). Think how you will feel having your mum there for a month, will she be happy, will she actually be a help (sorry but some arent'!), will it cause tension?

Just a thought; will your husband able to take time off or be leaving you on your own? If he's going to be at home with you helping you maybe he has more say in the matter, otherwise 'we can manage on our own' is actually 'you can manage your own while I'm at work'!?

Best of luck with your decision.
 
I had my mom come for the first month and my husband, who is not Chinese, was very supportive. He recognized that the first month is a lot of work for me specifically - recovering from the birth physically, crazy hormones, etc, while the baby is sleeping most of the time. We gave birth at Matilda, and they taught us the basics - feeding, changing diapers and bathing, within the 3 days we stayed there. It doesn't take a lot to learn how to do this, and you and your husband will figure that out quickly.

The real challenge is how well you recover from your huge physical feat. Is your husband going to be going back to work during that month? If so, leaving you by yourself with a newborn when you had the option of having your mom around seems unnecessary. There is a good Chinese saying for this: 你跟你自己過不起。
 
I'm not Chinese but my husband is. When our daughter was born, we thought it was important for us to get used to our "new" family without other people in our house. My MIL seemed to really want to be here to be my kind of "confinement nanny" but as a non-Chinese I didn't really want someone telling me what to do when I didn't even believe in it. I could see it creating tension unnecessarily.

In the end after much discussion, my husband and I decided for my mother and MIL to come visit for 2 weeks - they arrived when the baby was 2 weeks old. For me, it was ideal. I was in hospital for a few days, then when I came home my husband was off work for a week paternity leave, then I had just a couple of days just me and bub at home before my mother and MIL came. It was nice to have them around - but I do think that it's better for you and your husband to really bond with the new bub and figure out your new family together without other people getting in the way of that.

I think sometimes that too much "help" can be a bad thing because ultimately you need to be your own family... but you probably have a gut feeling about what is right for you :) So just go with what works for you. But don't feel bad if you want to say no - if that's better for your family, then don't be afraid to say that :)
 
I loved the fact that in those first few weeks my husband, new daughter and I were a little unit - just the three of us. We had our helper for assistance whenever we needed it, but she naturally respected our privacy and never offered unwanted advice!
 
my mum said to me, when i was pregnant with our first,
"you guys have spent a lot of time as a couple. now, you need to get to know your baby and learn how to be a family. the LAST thing you need is someone hovering over your shoulder saying, 'that's not how I would do it...' "

i have a VERY close relationship with my mum, but i was VERY glad she didn't come right away. we had a helper and i was happy for the help BUT that was because i could tell the helper how I wanted things done. there was no questioning me, my motives or reasoning. it was done the way i wanted it because i was the boss.

i am VERY glad that my MIL did not decide to "fill in" for my mum after the birth of our baby or i probably would have gone insane.

i LIKED the fact that my hubby and i could discover how to care for our own baby. i had a lot of experience with babies anyway but never with a newborn. i think women today sometimes rely too heavily on books, internet, other people and forget that they have a "mothering instinct"...

but, it's a very personal thing...i am not chinese but hubby is, so for me it isn't a "cultural" thing at all.
 
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Oh just to add to my previous post: when my mum and MIL did come to visit, we had them stay in a hotel. They were at my place most of the day time but went home right after dinner. I'm much like Cara though - I really needed my space at that very personal time... and I wouldn't change it at all. But that's just me :)
 
Agree with those who say it depends on your relationship with your mum. If you have always been close, it is easy to welcome her into your home, especially on the birth of her grandchild. Another thing to consider is the generation gap. How old is she, are you, and your new baby? My mother was 70+ when my daughter was born and it had been 10 years since she last helped out with her other newborn grandchildren. Despite all her good intentions, we found that my mother was unable to do anything except hold the baby. Her hands were not quick enough to change diapers, nor bathe the baby, nor stoop to do a lot of things for the baby unless the baby was on a change table at a height convenient for her back. My mum was also supposed to supervise the maid but the maid turned out to be very capable childminding and preparing confinement dishes. There were some tense moments, when my mum refused to try out new things like a steam sterilizer. She wanted to sterilize baby bottles in a big vat of boiling water with was a lot of work considering the amount of sterilizing needed in the early days. I also agree that it was a case of "too many cooks" with my mum, hubby, maid and I all caring for one tiny baby in our small flat. I don't want to be negative and discouraging, but this was my experience. We are overseas Chinese by the way, so we do generally follow the custom of the mother helping out during the confinement month where possible.
 
i should add, my mother stayed for one month, and after that, I insisted on a break of 2 weeks on my own with my baby! Then my mother in law came to visit for another month. I was really relieved when she left and I had baby all to myself again!
 
My MIL came the day after I came home from the hospital and stayed for 2 weeks. I didn`t really want her too but I could not refuse, and was just hoping it would go well. It actually didn`t and has probably ruined our future relations.
I so much wanted to have a little nesting period with just my husband and my new son. However, one good thing was that I ended up having a c-section and my husband had to go back to work asap, and all that with trying to breastfeed (which also wasn`t so smooth), did make someone being there preparing meals and such a good help. It was just hard for other reasons.
Learning how to take care of your newborn is not such a big deal - there isn`t so much to do, really, and you will learn all about it in the hospital anyway. But if you plan on breastfeeding and also trying to get some rest, having someone around to prepare NUTRICIOUS meals and keep the house in order is nice. Especially if it`s your own mother, who depending on your relationship, I guess, won`t take it too personally if you are out of sorts or emotional or whatever(but MILs do:).
It also depends on what kind of person your mom is - like how much she will interfere if at all, what she plans to do to help, that kind of thing.
I would just take into consideration the breastfeeding thing and getting good and regular food into you, as well as being able to take rests when the baby is sleeping. But go with your gut. This is your baby and your family.
 
I did not think I need that much help before the baby arrived. But knew after that there are quite a bit of work if you or your mother insists that to follow the Chinese practice for first month for the mother. Well, in where I live, it means cleaning youself with ginger water, drinking water make with dates instead of water, eating food prepare in certain way....(a long list).

So, in the first month, my helper was quite busy in the ketchen making these kind of special diet for me while my mother brings the ingredients every day "fresh" from the market. My mum does not live with us but she came everyday to bring the food but our helper is live-in.

My husband and I could not care less for this tradition, but I went along with my mum. So, I did get quite a lot of time learning the ropes of looking after a newborn.

Even if you are not going to do all is "required", in the case where you husband had to go back to work right away, having someone there to cook for you is good.

Good luck with your decision.
 
Thank you, everyone, for all of your advice. It's really very helpful. I'll talk with my husband about it tonight. We both get along well with my mom, but she has the tendency to be a little overbearing at times.
 
Personally I think it was a great help having an extra pair of hands around when my mum came to help out. Also she often came to stay with us in the past for several weeks at a time, so we were quite accustomed to her living in, and that makes a huge difference.
We were also quite open to having her input - we would try things our way first and if that didn't work out, then she would suggest another way and we would try that out.
 
I loved having my mom here as well specially since the baby had reflux and was crying all the time. It was wonderful to have someone to not just help out with the baby but also be your support. My mom can also be overbearing sometimes- but you can always figure out when to ignore things, when to let go and when to put your foot down.... mums should be fine when you tell them to back off. Now, mil's are a whole another story!:)
 
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