Loving your husband less--is this true?!

S

sfolola

Registered User
Recently, at a bridal shower with a group of women whose opinions I generally respect, many of whom are mommies, one mommy mentioned that every since she had her son, she started to love her husband less.

This was said offhandedly, like it was no big deal. A few of the other mommies nodded and casually agreed. I was kind of stunned. My husband and I are currently trying for our first; but I never considered that having a child might mean I would love him less.

Are the mommies I know unusual? Or is this a fairly common sentiment?
 
This question really got me thinking! When I first read it I immediatley said no but I don't really think that there is a straight yes or no answer. When you have children, priorities change. Before I had children, my husband was the most important person in my life. We did everything together. We had mainly the same group of friends, same interests and generally loved spending time together. Once my children were born, they became the most important people in my life for a while as they needed me for everything (food, sleep, comfort etc!) and so my husbands needs were just not as important during that time! It doesn't mean that I loved him less though.
 
I think that there is no way to make this a "general statement." But, I do think that many women have such a strong bond with their child--something that goes beyond what they experience with their husband that by comparison it seems they "love their husbands less." The bond with your child can be intense. Afterall, mothers carry that little human inside of their own bodies, nourishing and taking care of them for nearly a year. Then all of the hormones like oxytocin that come into play chemically bond a mother with her child. Orgasms can do the same thing but it's just not quite the same.

I know that I love my husband MUCH more now that I do have children. He was by my side every step of the way through two long pregnancies and two long, unmedicated labors (he was my labor coach). He is amazing with our children--much better as a nurturer in many ways than I am. Every time I see him with our babies I have an intense rush of emotion and I feel more connected and bonded to him through all we've been through together. But, admittedly, my husband is a very hands-on father who is close to his children. Some fathers aren't.

I think one problem is that men are not prepared for the upheaval that happens when a baby is born and many of them get jealous of the attention the baby gets. Some men really do want to babied--want the focused attention of their wives and it's hard to share that with the baby. Sometimes men do not adjust well and they start to act in ways that are irritating and cause stress for the mothers and that causes tension in the relationship so it becomes a cycle. Mother spends more time with child--->husband feels neglected and pouts/acts out--->mother feels upset and irritated by husband's behavior so chooses to focus on child rather that he negative situation with husband--->husband feels more upset--->mother again turns her attention more to child and begins to feel like she loves the husband less. This is what I've observed but I think that it's different in every situation.
 
I don't think that a woman loves her husband less once she becomes a mother, but all of a sudden, there is another person in her life whom she loves unconditionally as well and the husband is suddenly not the most important person for her anymore. You can't compare the love a mother feels for her baby with the love a wife feels for her husband. In my opinion, those are two different things.
Apart from the unconditional love I feel for my daughter, I also have the urgent need to nourish her, care for her and most of all, protect her with my own life (even if that would mean I would have to protect her from my husband, hypothetically of course).
 
I have to completely disagree - I'm more like thanka, I think I love my husband more since we had kids. I love my kids too of course, but we have become more of a team in parenting. In addition, seeing him as a father has made me fall in love with THAT aspect of him that I never knew before we had kids...

We have had some marital conflict after kids of course - some of it was related directly to parenting (issues we disagree on), others was indirectly related (for example, the kids require a lot of time and energy, so we have less time and energy for each other). I can see how those issues could really come between a husband and wife... but it doesn't HAVE to come between you - we've worked through most of the issues, and the rest we're still working on ;)
 
I am the same as Thanka2 and Nicole Joy; but my husband is also a very hands on dad, so agree that can make a big difference
 
sfolola said:
Recently, at a bridal shower with a group of women whose opinions I generally respect, many of whom are mommies, one mommy mentioned that every since she had her son, she started to love her husband less.

This was said offhandedly, like it was no big deal. A few of the other mommies nodded and casually agreed. I was kind of stunned. My husband and I are currently trying for our first; but I never considered that having a child might mean I would love him less.

Are the mommies I know unusual? Or is this a fairly common sentiment?
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I couldn't believe I was reading this. I love my husband as much now as I ever did. We've been together 22 years, married for 18, and our son is 6 years old.
 
I kind of expected to love my husband less since that's what I heard but I think I ended up loving him more. Going through labour with my husband was a huge bonding exercise, a bit undone in the initial month of our baby's birth because we differed on how to deal with his reflux problem. As some others have shared, watching your husband with your child and realising that previously unexperienced facet of him can be a huge upper as well - my husband is a very hands on dad and there's an expression in his eyes when he's with my son that I've never seen before. My husband would actually check with me: "You love the baby more than me, now huh?" and I could honestly say no. Though off late, if I had to quantify, I'd probably say I love my son more - but that could be because he's being an absolutely cutie and generally giving my gummy smiles all the time.

My sis confesses she loves her daughter more than the her husband or anyone else. I actually don't think it's a big deal. As long as you love both your husband and your child a whole lot, how does it matter if you love one a little less or more here and there?
 
Interesting than all the people that said that they love their hubbies more, also said that their hubbies are also a very hand on dads.

I do think that I love my hubby less... probably because he is not a very hands on dad, and sometime I feel that I am the one who have to take care of the baby, which led to many frustrations.. or probably because we have different parenting style and different view on so many different things.
 
I can totally imagine that if my husband was a bit of an absentee father (in spirit), that I would love him less and more if he turned into the wonderful fatherly type.
Cannot be anything more lovely than seeing your husband dot on the child you love and made together surely (I imagine anyway!)

My hubs and I always say how we think we'd have a much deeper love and respect for each other when we have a child so fingers crossed :)
 
i don't think it is a matter of "more or less". it is a DIFFERENT kind of love. you choose to love your spouse, i often think that it is a conscious choice you make every day of your life. it is possible to stop making that choice and to fall out of love

with a child, it is a gut instinct. it is a matter of evolution taking over and MAKING you love your child. if women didn't instinctively love their child, and care for them, humanity would die out very quickly. of course, there are some women where this instinct doesn't kick in, but i think for most of us, it does. we would stand in front of a moving freight train if it would save our kids.

having a child isn't always the bonding experience that many think it will be, especially if there are different parenting ideas from each of the spouses. i know that my husband and i have fought a lot more after we had kids than before. for a long time, i felt like i was fighting a losing battle when it came to child rearing. my husband was/is VERY hands-on but he does NOT like to discipline. it has taken almost 7 years for him to come round to the idea and now disciplines the children too, and doesn't always make me the "bad cop". now, that he's stepped up to the plate on that front, life is much better all around (at least for me!)

so again, i don't love him less... i love him differently. i love him differently now than before we had kids and i love him differently than i love my kids.
 
cuppatea said:
I can totally imagine that if my husband was a bit of an absentee father (in spirit), that I would love him less and more if he turned into the wonderful fatherly type.
Cannot be anything more lovely than seeing your husband dot on the child you love and made together surely (I imagine anyway!)

My hubs and I always say how we think we'd have a much deeper love and respect for each other when we have a child so fingers crossed :)
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Uh, something about this quote kind of made me do a double-take:

we think we'd have a much deeper love and respect for each other when we have a child
Click to expand...

Children can bring out the best and worst in people. It might be the case that it deepens your love and respect but don't be surprised if it presents you with nothing but stress--at least for a big chunk of time. Just be there for each other and hopefully it will work out in the end. :)
 
I have to disagree. I love my husband so much MORE now that we have a baby, and I did not think that was possible! It brought us that much closer, and he is a wonderful father to our 7 week old. Maybe it is the hormones, but I just feel so much love for him. Don't get me wrong, I still get mad when he doesn't understand that I need him to help when he comes home from work instead of going for a workout when I have not even had a shower yet...ha ha. But no, I love him so much that I have no words for it now.
 
My husband is a fantastic father but I definitely love him differently since having our kids. I find quite often I don't have the energy for anyone else other than the kids! My priorities are so different now. I don't think I love him less but I can see how someone might describe it as being that way.
There was a real honeymoon period after our first child!! But after the 3rd.....
 
main priority is my son so i feel less attached to my hubby now and what do you know, he said the same thing to me! lol
 
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