Jealousy?

Gataloca

Gataloca

Registered User
Hi. I was just wondering if anyone has been jealous of their DH?

I am asking cause I will need a DH to take care of my baby when I go back to work in 2 months. My baby is 4 months old now, and since he was born, I have been his only care giver. It has been tough, but it's really worth it... I have always been rewarded with his sweet smile. We are tightly bonded.... and as we co-sleep, we really haven't been away from each other for more than half an hour.

Now, I know that it will be tough for my LO to get accustomed to other care giver in the beginning, but he will eventually get used to it.... maybe he will get more attached to the DH later, and even may prefer the DH rather than me in the future..... I think I will feel sad when this happens... anyone has this experience? how did you cope with that?

By the way, I am planning on keep breastfeeding my baby twice a day (early in the morning before going to work, and late at night before the baby goes to bed), so we can still bond (..... although I heard that sometime baby loss interest on the breast once they are weaned). Also we'll keep doing the bathing, so we can check that he is physically fine. Also taking care of the baby by myself on Sat and Sun.
 
your feelings are totally natural and normal especially if you come from a culture where DHs are not the norm. I think most feel this way initially if it's your first time with a live-in DH. I know I felt this way too when we first hired ours when my first son was 9 months old. It was hard for me to give up control, but I did it little by little. Since my husband is the one who works, I had the thinking that my DH was like my understudy. If I became ill or could not be around, I need my DH to know his routine and for my son to also feel comfortable with her. It's important that you trust your DH with your child too b/c she lives with you. You want your child to have a good relationship with your DH as it will allow you to return to work happy knowing your child is being well taken care of. Also, just so you know - your child will never prefer her over you unless you leave him/her 24/7 with them. Children instinctually know the bond with a parent is totally different than their relationship with your DH.
 
Hi Gataloca, I went back to work 2 months after giving birth and work 5.5 days a week. My suggestion is to be as "hands on" as possible when you are home. It is really hard work on you but it is worthwhile in the long run. I breastfed exclusivly for 10 months, so back at work it meant pumping twice a day and breastfeeding 4X through the night and early morning til my baby started solids. My hubby and I did the 'night duty' as well. Like the other poster here, it is very important you maintain a good relationship with your helper and establish good teamwork so that your baby is well-cared for. Babies certainly know who their parents are. It is inevitable that babies may be more 'attached' to the person who spends the most time with them, but I have always made sure that when I am home I have exclusive time with my baby and my helper gets on with household chores. It means you have very little time for yourself but I find it is worthwhile: baby is happy and the maid also does not spend 24/7 with baby.
 
Just like Lisa88, when I come home, I take over. The helper does not go anywhere near my child. In fact, she is limited to the kitchen and her living space. She had her own private domain and knew not to interfere. I did everything from 5:30 each day. Feed, Bath, Read, Go to the playground or short walk (when I get home), Put them to bed etc. When my children are sick, I tend to them. NEVER the helper. I would even take sick leave to make sure that on days when it's serious, it's me who takes care of the kids. She gets two days off, Sat & Sun so that I had all weekend to be a SAHM :-) It's absolutely exhausting! But worth every effort!
 
As long as you are hands on whenever you are home and spend lots of time with your child whenever you are not at work, things will be fine. My son, who is 19 months old, loves our helper (and our helper loves our son) and it's really great for me to know that I can leave my son with her and things will be absolutely fine. Yes, there are times when I am holding him and he wants to go to her for some reason (usually when he wants a cookie or wants to watch TV because my helper often gives him treats - while following my rules on how much to give him). He may also want to go to her because my husband and I discipline him a lot more than my helper who is a real softie, if you know what I mean. But I know my son knows that I am mommy and his relationship with me is fundamentally different than his relationship with my helper. Therefore, I've never been jealous of my helper but instead has been grateful that they have such a great relationship. So in short, I wouldn't worry about it and really try not to get jealous. It is much better to have a helper who bonds with your child than one who doesn't get along with your child or one that your child doesn't like!
 
I went through a phase when I was quite upset with myself and the helper that my 6 month old wanted her but not me to rock and put him to sleep. But then I realize I couldn't have everything, rest and some more freedom, because sometimes it too over an hour to just to get him to fall asleep.

Like other mums said here, just stay hands on and spend as much time with your baby as possible. Babies will know you are the one eventually, especially after a trip with you somewhere (home or holiday). My 17 month now bonds very well with the helper who is with us since he is 8 month old. But he wants Mama more than anyone else.

Goold luck.
 
They know who is their helper and who is their mother, try not to worry about it, it's difficult at first but the jealousy will fade.

Also be aware that they can often seem to prefer one person to another anyway as they get older, they can get an idea in their head that they only want to be held by Daddy for example, it's nothing to do with amount of time spent or who they love more - it's a developmental stage. My son is one year and always wants to be held by whoever is not holding him so if I go and pick him up after his nap or after he falls he reaches out for his helper... so it seems like he prefers her but actually when she picks him up he reaches for me - what I'm saying is don't drive yourself mad looking for 'signs' that he prefers her to you just enjoy the time that you have with him.
 
Thanks a lot for the feedback! For sure I would like my baby to bond with the DH, so he will be happy and well taken cared of when we are away. I was a little bit concerned that my baby may love me less for not being there for him..... I was probably worrying too much! :-)
 
Interesting question, Gataloca.

I think that whether or not people feel jealousy when a DH starts taking care of their child totally depends on the parent and the situation.

In my case, I took care of my son by myself for over a year and we had a lot of problems. Breastfeeding was a nightmare that I endured for 6 months. I was very isolated because of where we live and I had physical problems that made taking care of a baby really almost more than I could bear.

Although, I really loved my son and by the time he was a year old we had a tight bond, going back to work for me was a sanity-saver and I was grateful to have some away-from-baby time. So, that really influenced how I saw a DH coming into the picture. I saw a DH as a huge blessing to my family as it allowed me to have quality time with my son even though I wasn't having a lot of quantity time with him. I found that I enjoyed being around my son even more because I didn't have to be around him every waking moment of every single day--this made our time together a lot more joyous, I think.

But, then again, I was there to see all my son's major milestones--his first teeth, his first solid foods, the first time he rolled over, when he started to crawl, his first steps, his first words...all of those milestones that happen in the first year. So, maybe that's why it wasn't so hard for me to depend on a DH at first.

But, now that my son is getting older there has two times when I sort of felt a sadness in my heart by the way my son reacted to my helper. One time was when he told me that one of his new kittens was his and the other was the helper's which left no kitten for mama. The other time was when he hurt his finger and went to the DH for her to kiss it instead of me. It's just those tiny little things that sometimes make me feel like, "Am I being replaced?"

But the truth is that everything I do in life carries some sort of compromise and I know that if I were to go back to taking care of my son full-time I would not be as healthy mentally or content as a person as I am now and what is best for my son is to have a healthy and content mama.

I will say that having a DH has made me a lot more vigilant about carving out quality time for my son and I together--and we have developed our own rituals--I give him a bath every night. I read to him every night. We go out on "Mama and Son Dates" to the park and knowing that there is no one in the world who loves him quite as much or quite like I do keeps the jealousy at bay, I think.
 
Thank you for posting this enquiry and for the responses - I am going through a lot of these issues at the moment and it is very reassuring to know that I'm not alone with my insecurities! My helper is absolutely fabulous but it does leave me feeling a bit redundant at times, not to mention a complete novice!
 
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