Am I being unreasonable here? I am getting increasingly annoyed with my helper. My 8 month old daughter loves her which is why I haven't considered firing her so far but I'm not convinced she will be a good example to her as she gets older. My daughter is learning sounds, such as baa, maa, daa and instead of suggesting associations with these sounds such as ba is for baby or bottle, my heper imitates in a way that sounds like she is making fun of my daughter. She also says things like 'oh, your dress is so sexy!' and laughs if my daughter slips, has a runny nose, or a rash on her face. At the same time, I know she loves my daughter dearly to the point where she won't always be concentrating if I tell her to do something as her attention is on my daughter. I have other issues with her like the fact that she is forgetful and incredibly nosy. She will ask me questions like how much my taxi ride or pedicure cost(!), where guests are from, ask them directly how old they are, read birthday and x-mas cards, ask who the senders are and their nationality. Is this normal? This is my first helper so I could just be being silly here but I do feel she is more in my face than I anticipated would be the case. In her defense, she is very trustworthy. I am always correcting her but am at the point now, where I don't see why I should always be improving her manners and ways.
Issues with helper
- Thread starter putput
- Start date
oh dear... 
i don't think you're being unreasonable. your examples say everything about this "helper". i couldn't stand this helper's behaviour towards my child. as you said, this is not how and what you want your child to learn and think is normal. and you're quite right that you shouldn't be busy teaching her the right attitudes when it comes to your child, your friends, relatives.. gosh!
if the only reason you're keeping her is the fact that your daughter likes her, then forget it. some helpers are also clever enough to make the child love them, such that they can keep their job. it might be the case here or not, but in any way, don't worry about hiring a new helper - your daughter will like her dearly, too, and maybe more! good luck.
i don't think you're being unreasonable. your examples say everything about this "helper". i couldn't stand this helper's behaviour towards my child. as you said, this is not how and what you want your child to learn and think is normal. and you're quite right that you shouldn't be busy teaching her the right attitudes when it comes to your child, your friends, relatives.. gosh!if the only reason you're keeping her is the fact that your daughter likes her, then forget it. some helpers are also clever enough to make the child love them, such that they can keep their job. it might be the case here or not, but in any way, don't worry about hiring a new helper - your daughter will like her dearly, too, and maybe more! good luck.
Everyone treats their helpers differently. Some will always have the employer and employee relationship in mind whereas some will treat their helpers like family. It really depends on what you are comfortable with. If you are not comfortable with your helper asking you personal questions concerning your friends etc then you should maybe tell her. Maybe you can ask her why she wants to know and maybe she will get the drift that it is inappropriate for her to ask such questions. Concerning your daughter, is the word "sexy" offensive to you when concerning such a young child, if it is then tell your helper not to use such words in front of your child. If she laughs at your child then say it is not funny and proceed with you helping your child to sort out the problem. I am sure your helper will know that you find it not funny.
I don't think that level of nosiness is normal, but a personality trait of the helper you have - just how she is.
Can you continue to put up with this level of irritation? You could tell her straight that while everything is mainly fine with regard to her performance, you find the level of intrusion into your personal life unacceptable and that if it continues you will have to part ways. If she can't help herself after that, then I guess it time for a new helper.
Incidentally, I had the same issue with 'sexy' dress comments re. the baby's outfits, it was just a lack of understanding as to the meaning of the word in English - I made a joke of it and corrected her, it never happened again!
Can you continue to put up with this level of irritation? You could tell her straight that while everything is mainly fine with regard to her performance, you find the level of intrusion into your personal life unacceptable and that if it continues you will have to part ways. If she can't help herself after that, then I guess it time for a new helper.
Incidentally, I had the same issue with 'sexy' dress comments re. the baby's outfits, it was just a lack of understanding as to the meaning of the word in English - I made a joke of it and corrected her, it never happened again!
carang
Registered User
i would say that a some of the behaviour that your helper is displaying is not appropriate, but some of the other behaviours are not as bad and that you are reading too much into them.
the ones that i think you are taking too seriously are:
1) baby slips and helper laughs.... unless the baby falls and hurts herself badly, the best thing to do is to laugh it off. i find that many local children are coddled too much and such a fuss is made over a little slip that the child begins to cry for something that doesn't necessarily warrant it.
2) your child beginning to verbalise and your helper mimicking...
your baby will begin to mimick you and everyone in the house. this is how they learn. it is not up to you to associate the sound with an object... that is a step that your baby must make and YOU must figure out which sound belongs with which object. if your helper continuously talks to your child, that is what counts... i still mimick my little ones and they are 22 months and 3 years 10months old! so, on that point, relax a little. i don't think that your helper is 'MAKING FUN OF YOUR DAUGHTER'... I think that your helper is 'HAVING FUN WITH YOUR DAUGHTER'... two very different things.
HOWEVER....
that said, if you are unhappy with other characteristics displayed by your helper, you need to address them...have you spoken to her? or just let her get under your skin?
if you explain that it makes you uncomfortable when she asks you such personal questions, and then she continues to do so... THEN you have a reasonable greivance.
if you haven't explained to her what you consider appropriate, you can't very well expect her to read your mind and instinctively know what you approve of and what you don't.
getting used to having another person around all the time combined with having a new baby and figuring out your own role is very difficult.
good luck!
the ones that i think you are taking too seriously are:
1) baby slips and helper laughs.... unless the baby falls and hurts herself badly, the best thing to do is to laugh it off. i find that many local children are coddled too much and such a fuss is made over a little slip that the child begins to cry for something that doesn't necessarily warrant it.
2) your child beginning to verbalise and your helper mimicking...
your baby will begin to mimick you and everyone in the house. this is how they learn. it is not up to you to associate the sound with an object... that is a step that your baby must make and YOU must figure out which sound belongs with which object. if your helper continuously talks to your child, that is what counts... i still mimick my little ones and they are 22 months and 3 years 10months old! so, on that point, relax a little. i don't think that your helper is 'MAKING FUN OF YOUR DAUGHTER'... I think that your helper is 'HAVING FUN WITH YOUR DAUGHTER'... two very different things.
HOWEVER....
that said, if you are unhappy with other characteristics displayed by your helper, you need to address them...have you spoken to her? or just let her get under your skin?
if you explain that it makes you uncomfortable when she asks you such personal questions, and then she continues to do so... THEN you have a reasonable greivance.
if you haven't explained to her what you consider appropriate, you can't very well expect her to read your mind and instinctively know what you approve of and what you don't.
getting used to having another person around all the time combined with having a new baby and figuring out your own role is very difficult.
good luck!
I had the same problem with the use of "sexy" with my helper and when I asked her what she meant by it, she said "pretty" - it appears that for philippinos, the word sexy and pretty are used interchangeabley and does not have the negative connotation we normally associate with it. Moreover, inappropriate to use to a baby / child in case they pick it up.
It's important to communicate with your helper if you have any problems / issues...no need to scold her, just open up the conversation to see where she stands on issues and tell her what your expectations are and that you expect her to follow your expectations. Don't keep your hopes high though - they will remember say 6 times and then forget the next! Reminders are important but also a good working relationship so that she will feel comfortable telling you things (if things go wrong) instead of hiding them from you.
It's important to communicate with your helper if you have any problems / issues...no need to scold her, just open up the conversation to see where she stands on issues and tell her what your expectations are and that you expect her to follow your expectations. Don't keep your hopes high though - they will remember say 6 times and then forget the next! Reminders are important but also a good working relationship so that she will feel comfortable telling you things (if things go wrong) instead of hiding them from you.
hi putput, i really agree with carang and lesliefu here. re the sexy issue, my helper also uses that word a lot around my baby but frankly i think it's cute and i'm not bothered by it! after all, is 'sexy' really such a dirty word? but that is purely my own opinion and i totally respect that you and many others may think it's not appropriate.
it totally comes down to a style thing. i think some ppl would be fine with a helper like yours but others not so fine. if your style conflict with your DH is really a problem for you and she will not change after you speak to her (gently and not patronizingly), then maybe parting ways is the best way forward.
btw, i completely agree with carang's first point about laughing off your baby's slips and falls. when my baby falls (and he has been doing that a lot!!) i find that when i make light of it, he sometimes doesn't even cry at all. in the past, i used to rush to him to soothe him everytime he fell or hit his head but that only made him panic and burst into tears. they react off your reaction. if you laugh and lighten up after their fall, they will learn not to overreact and that falling is not a big deal. it's part of babyhood
it totally comes down to a style thing. i think some ppl would be fine with a helper like yours but others not so fine. if your style conflict with your DH is really a problem for you and she will not change after you speak to her (gently and not patronizingly), then maybe parting ways is the best way forward.
btw, i completely agree with carang's first point about laughing off your baby's slips and falls. when my baby falls (and he has been doing that a lot!!) i find that when i make light of it, he sometimes doesn't even cry at all. in the past, i used to rush to him to soothe him everytime he fell or hit his head but that only made him panic and burst into tears. they react off your reaction. if you laugh and lighten up after their fall, they will learn not to overreact and that falling is not a big deal. it's part of babyhood
I just had a similar conversation with my new helper about using "sexy". Obviously it's not a dirty word, but on the same token, I do not expect it to be said to anyone unless they are, whether this is from an adult or child. I definitely would not want my 2 yr old to go back to school and describe the other children or teacher as such. I just asked her not to say it to describe the children, cos they mimick everything. She understood why and hopefully will not do it again.
I agree with Carang's points completely. You need to laugh off your child's falls or your child will become a cry baby! One of my eldest son's first words was 'See!' He would say it whenever he fell down because instead of making a big deal out of his falls I would always say, 'see, I told you you would fall etc'. He's now a tough, little chap, just as I want him to be for when he enters school and has to look after himself. Kids that cry for every little fall or scrape will have a harder time dealing with things when mum and dad aren't there to molly coddle them.
Re- the word sexy. That's a common complaint and one simply of misinterpretation of the word as others have pointed out. You can easily rectify this by telling her not to use the word.
The nosiness is not something I could deal with. Our helper is part of our family but that doesn't give her the right to ask inappropriate questions or do inappropriate things(like using your nail clippers- yuck!). I wouldn't ask my mother in law some of the questions she asks you and I don't go around reading other people's christmas cards or asking how much a pedicure cost.
Is this your helper's first contract? Maybe she doesn't know how to behave. If not, I'm not sure these last things are anything that can be dealt with through talking. If you're nosy you're nosy!
At the end of the day when it comes to deciding whether to terminate a helper or not the decision comes down to you. It is your house and you should be comfortable in it. What might be tolerable for some will not be tolerable for you.
Re- the word sexy. That's a common complaint and one simply of misinterpretation of the word as others have pointed out. You can easily rectify this by telling her not to use the word.
The nosiness is not something I could deal with. Our helper is part of our family but that doesn't give her the right to ask inappropriate questions or do inappropriate things(like using your nail clippers- yuck!). I wouldn't ask my mother in law some of the questions she asks you and I don't go around reading other people's christmas cards or asking how much a pedicure cost.
Is this your helper's first contract? Maybe she doesn't know how to behave. If not, I'm not sure these last things are anything that can be dealt with through talking. If you're nosy you're nosy!
At the end of the day when it comes to deciding whether to terminate a helper or not the decision comes down to you. It is your house and you should be comfortable in it. What might be tolerable for some will not be tolerable for you.
I actually do not agree with some viewpoints here. When somebody falls or gets hurt, I think laughing at it is very insensitive. I don't think I'd want my child to laugh at other people tripping or falling.
As for the other stuff, just tell her upfront what u want and what you don't want her to do.
As for the other stuff, just tell her upfront what u want and what you don't want her to do.
Aussiegal, there is a distinction between drama and just a little "are you ok?"/ "be careful next time". I think if we see a fellow fall in public, I think laughing at him/her would be inappropriate wont you say? Thus I always tell my kids not to laugh at others whether it is a big deal or not. I see some people (not kids) laugh at other's misadventures and I think this is just bad taste. If you agree with me on this, then don't you think it's good to instill proper training while they are still young?
Thank you to those of you for your non-judgemental feedback, and no thanks to the judgemental feedback. I let off steam with quite a long rant and of that rant, some have got caught up on the 3 words 'my daughter slips' and feel the need to tell me how I should respond as opposed to my issue with how my helper responds to this and other situations. With regards to the word 'sexy', it helps to know that this is simply a misunderstanding in terms of what the word means so thank you for advising. I have told her I find the word inappropriate but she forgets and repeats. She has already upset my guests by calling their 2 year old daughter sexy. I appreciate the responses and now realise I am not being sensitive after all. Thanks all.
carang
Registered User
putput, it actually sounds as if you are more than a little sensitive about more than your helper.
not one person wrote anything at all judgemental. we all wrote our opinions, as YOU requested. if you are only looking for opinions that echo your own, then a public forum is not necessarily the right place.
i'm very sorry that you took offence to anything that anyone said, i'm sure that it was not meant to cause any.
not one person wrote anything at all judgemental. we all wrote our opinions, as YOU requested. if you are only looking for opinions that echo your own, then a public forum is not necessarily the right place.
i'm very sorry that you took offence to anything that anyone said, i'm sure that it was not meant to cause any.
Carang, a quite ironic thread in the end! Pls give me advice but only advice I want to hear. Isn't that what husbands are for
And Val, you are completely overreacting. No one said anything that suggests we have a massive belly laugh when our children or anyone else falls over. I find it hard to believe you would think any reasonable parent would ever do such a thing and openly admit it on a forum.
'Laughing it off' is something quite different. It is healthy to raise strong tots able to realise when they are not actually hurt as opposed to cry babies who go to tears for the tiniest of accidents.
And Val, you are completely overreacting. No one said anything that suggests we have a massive belly laugh when our children or anyone else falls over. I find it hard to believe you would think any reasonable parent would ever do such a thing and openly admit it on a forum.
'Laughing it off' is something quite different. It is healthy to raise strong tots able to realise when they are not actually hurt as opposed to cry babies who go to tears for the tiniest of accidents.