in despair. . . .

B

baby-ethan

Registered User
This isn't about complaining how bad my helper is, but I want to share what's happening right now and get some advice on how to handle the situation.

I have an Indonesian helper for 2 months, I have been teaching her how to do all the chores, cooking, taking care of baby etc. But until now, she's still not doing things well or doesn't do what I ask her to.. bottom line is she refuses to listen/follow instructions. I tried many things like asking her to write down what I said so she won't forget, or letting her do some things in her own way rather than having to follow exactly how I'd do it but anyway things are still not clean, house is messy, she can't take care of baby etc. I have talked to her about it and she says she will listen, she will change, she will learn, but she doesn't. Things have gotten quite bad lately as we just moved house and she wasn't able to help with any of the packing / unpacking and I just don't have the time nor patience to continue teaching her all the basic chores she should have gotten the hang of by now. I must admit, I've been scolding her quite a lot in the past week.

Now, a few days ago something happened which has made me really stop and think. Cut the long story short, she kicked my baby on purpose (pretended she didn't see him) - am I sure it was on purpose? Yes, I watched it happen. She apologised many times, insisted she didn't see him (she was carrying something big so blocked her view). My husband and I discussed it and it's definitely on purpose.

Based on the way she's still not good with basic chores, not able to take care of baby, doesn't follow instructions/doesn't do specific tasks I ask her to etc, and more importantly, her refusing to learn and improve, and me having tried again and again to help her do better, I really don't want to waste any more time teaching her without results, as I imagine 6 months down the line I'd still have the same problems so want to just let her go. On top of this, with that incident, I'm even more tempted to let her go immediately.

On the other hand, I do need her here as I can't do everything by myself, at least she can help to mop the floor and clean the bathrooms and kitchen, wash the dishes and things of that nature. Quite often my husband is on business trip so at least I have someone in the house to keep an eye on baby if I'm in the kitchen or in the bath etc. So perhaps I'll just let things be, she can do things her own way, I'll tidy up after her if I'm not satisfied without scolding her etc. Arguing my own point, with that particular incident I'm now afraid of having her alone with baby in case even though I don't scold her, she is angry at me about something I'm not even aware of. And do I trust her not to do something such as putting tap water in the water bottle for baby rather than boiled water.

Should I keep her, if I do, what should my attitude be (eg try to teach her; don't bother teaching her anymore just lower my standards? ; for things I can't accept lower standards, I do by myself??); hire someone new but how can i be sure she'll be good?
I'm very frustrated (and think I'm becoming paranoid the more I think about it!!), I'm open to any advice/suggestions/criticisms. Knock some sense into me please!
 
Fire her now. Noone should endanger your child and get away with it. Watch her pack, have a trusted friend or husband incase things turned ugly. Pay the dues necessary (severance and airticket equivalent) have her confirm reciept in writing.

Good luck, and hope things take a turned for the better. Noone has the right to make you feel unsafe in your own home, it's not right.

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Agree with keninhk.

You should not put up with her and feel like you're at her mercy because you need her at home. As I read, she is not much help to you anyway. Let her go and find a new one quickly. I know it's stressful going through the process of hiring a new helper but with how things are with your present one, you need to get her packing. There are a lot of good helpers out there. And try to hire someone who's employer is leaving (with outstanding recommendations, of course) so the helper doesn't need to exit HK and have a lengthy visa processing.

Best of luck!

Sent from my GT-I9300 using GeoClicks Mobile
 
I've been through a similar situation and regret not firing our DH earlier and put a lot of blame on myself.

Do not endanger your baby and fire her before she does something worse.
 
She kicked your baby on purpose and she is still in the house! I cannot believe you even have a question about this! Astonishing!

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Thanks for all the replies & support
Carang, she didn't hurt him, actually quite lightly kicked him with the tip of her slippers. --- but thanks for being so blunt! I think I was trying to convince myself she's not evil...
Sincerely thankful for everyone's comments, made me see the situation much more clearly!
:) thx peachylin I did need the advice about finding new helper too!
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Fire her now as the situation won't improve. And peace of mind is more important than anything else.

When I was 8 months pregnant with my second baby, I chose to fire both of my helpers. It was tough on me given my physical limitations but it wasn't unmanageable. And my husband works in China so he is not around to help but I managed. You will manage too until you get a replacement.
 
I was about to write the same words as Cara: "She kicked your baby on purpose and she's still in your house????"

And I don't care whether it was a light kick with the toes of her slippers... get her out now. Stop worrying about the chores and the floors and the goodness knows what else. Don't sweat the small stuff. Think of your child's safety and happiness, and your own mental health. She is stressing you out. She should go today!
 
You can do it by yourself. Millions of women do and so can you. Of course we like our helpers and the work they take out of our hands, but in the end, if you don't have one, it's not going to change the world. The house may not be as tidy, you may need to order take out once in a while, but it's not the end of the world. I am pretty sure you can find somebody to help you clean your house in the meantime for a few hours if that's what you need right now. My children were born in the States, family is in Europe. I had 3 children under the age of 3 (including new born twins) and very little help (cleaning and 8 hours babysitting a week) and a husband working 12 hours a day. I survived, and so will you ;). Hope you find a better helper soon This one clearly has to go.
 
no need to despair - do what's best for your baby. with only 1 baby, you will manage wonderfully without the helper (unless you have a job outside - which doesn't appear so). cooking / cleaning. etc will all come - you will find time and you will ultimately be able to arrange your time so you CAN do it all without stressing about it. for instance, i am sure there is NO need to do laundry every day - how much clothes can a baby and you and your husband have at the end of one day? maybe every other day for laundry....you'll be more than fine! with your head thinking straight and not worrying about teaching things to your incompetent helper, you will find that the time is used up more efficiently.
 
Just adding an extra vote of "fire her now." There is absolutely no excuse for her to be harming your child, even if it was a light tap. A light tap now can escalate as time passes; if it was intentional, it almost sounds like she was testing the waters to see if she can get away with it. :frown:

Taking care of your child by yourself with no helper will be difficult at first, but it is a better solution than keeping someone who could potentially hurt you and your child. I take care of my kids (3 y/o & 8 months) by myself with no helper and my husband is usually gone every other week for work. It's definitely a challenge and sometimes you just need to step back and accept that you can't get everything done in one day (like laundry - I do it twice a week and my boys definitely go through a lot of changing in one day.) But the big upside is that all your energy that was focused on teaching a helper basic chores can now be redirected to your child, and they will definitely like the more one on one time with you. I used to think I wanted a helper, and I still do from time to time, especially now that I have two. I have a terrible time trusting anyone though, so I find for my own peace of mind, (and probably for any prospective helper)I choose to take care of the kids by myself and just plan things like groceries and household chores around the children accordingly.

You can definitely manage by yourself until you find a helper. :swoman:
Your peace of mind and your child's safety should DEFINITELTY be your priority above all else.
 
In terms of getting another helper that could be worse than her, by your description, you're scraping the bottom of the barrel with this one so I don't see how you could possibly get worse!
I mean kicking your baby in front of you!!!!!

The truth of the matter is, most of the time, when you hear horrendous helper stories that makes one shake one's head, it's usually because the helper has figured out that YOU need her MORE than she needs you, and she's going to wield that power to reduce her workload, up her pay, or just vent. Don't be THAT employer.

Fire her, you only have one child and you appear to be a SAHM, you can manage even with part time help for 2-3 months whilst you get another one. Go the friend's referral route. Search this website for interview questions and how to select the right person for the job.

Truth of the matter is, some ladies were not cut out to be domestic helpers, but many do a decent job. Good luck!
 
yes please fire her! she KICKED YOUR BABY (even though you were supposed to be at home at that time)..imagine what she would do or can do when she is alone with your baby. She is not someone you can trust and you definitely need to find someone else. You can find part time nannies/helpers in the interim while you look for new full time maid. good luck...
 
of course fire her.

about your worry on how to cope, you might consider having a part-time helper coming in a few days a week to do the chores (cleaning your place, laundry, etc). that way you get this piece of work out of the way easily and can focus more on the baby while searching for a new helper
 
MommyTo3 said:
You can do it by yourself. Millions of women do and so can you. Of course we like our helpers and the work they take out of our hands, but in the end, if you don't have one, it's not going to change the world. The house may not be as tidy, you may need to order take out once in a while, but it's not the end of the world. I am pretty sure you can find somebody to help you clean your house in the meantime for a few hours if that's what you need right now. My children were born in the States, family is in Europe. I had 3 children under the age of 3 (including new born twins) and very little help (cleaning and 8 hours babysitting a week) and a husband working 12 hours a day. I survived, and so will you ;). Hope you find a better helper soon This one clearly has to go.
Click to expand...

Will say that I believed the same thing but not all moms are the same. It really did change my world for the positive to have a helper--made me more of a functioning mom. So, while I do applaud the women who do it without one--even the ones who have several pre-school and younger children running around at home....I would never go back to being without a helper when my kids are little. If I hadn't gotten help with my kids it's a scary thought of what state our family would be in right now. So thankful for the luxury to employ a helper because I live in HK and totally not ashamed about that fact at all. I'm from the States as well and all of my American friends who are SAHM doing everything solo suffer from some very serious difficulties--among them depression and lower immune function--and their marriages are super tough. No thanks.
 
update --- She's gone and I'm very happy. Like a load has been taken off my shoulders . (even though HAVING a helper is supposed to do that!!)
thanks for the encouragements "you can do it!" , made me stress less ... and I have arranged for part time help for housework. In the long run I think I agree with thanka2. I once thought I can be a supermum, taking care of the kid(s) and household all alone but must admit I'm physically and mentally over-tired already and I only have 1 baby!

Now need to find a helper who really can take the load off my shoulders ... wish me luck ! :)
 
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