I have a dead marriage with a 2.5 years boy, I don't know what to do.

S

stephanie.happy

Registered User
I never dreamt of I would loose my marriage after I had my child. I wanted to divorce him, but really not sure if it's a right decision for my boy. Don't know what to do, feel like living in the hell.

I wish to make friends with single mothers or someone who has a similar situation as mine.
 
I feel sorry for what might had happened that make you have this decision, but first of all, you have to think about if such a decision is made after careful thoughts or not, are all the possibilities considered (that is both of you talking together, seeking help from other sources), if it's just made because of no careful thougths, it might not be the best one! Also, think about the little boy, will the marriage help the boys development or has the reverse action! Hope you will get over it soon!
 
as someone who comes from a "divorced" home,(it took my mother 18 years to get the courage to leave) the best advice i can give is this:

do NOT stay together "for the children". the children KNOW when their parents do not love each other. is that what you want to teach your child?

as far as i'm concerned two single, happy parents are MUCH MUCH MUCH better than two married miserable parents!

besides, do you want to waste your life living with someone you don't love?
 
totally agree with carang. sounds like your marriage is definitely not going to work out. i would try counseling if you haven't already to see if there is any way it can be saved but if not, do not stay in a miserable marriage. and for goodnessake do not think you are doing your child a favor by staying in it! my parents stayed together until 'the kids were older' 'for the sake of the kids' and i can tell you it was a terrible mistake that cost me and my brothers a happy childhood. as cara said, children are very sensitive and they absolutely KNOW when their parents are unhappy. even if you put on a happy face day after day after day and pretend like you are happy together, your kids will know and they will be scarred by having two unhappy parents staying together 'for their sake.'

good luck. you deserve a happier life and your child(ren) deserve a happy childhood. in this day and age there are so many divorced families with perfectly happy well-adjusted kids who know that their parents are happier not living together. i grew up with many of them.
 
As the child of divorced parents I just have to counterbalance that, in my experience family break down can have a very negative and long term effect on the children - it depends on how its handled I think. I personally think adults are often too quick to rely on children's 'resilience' in these situations and don't realise (or prefer not to think about) how sensitive the child's emotional development is to these type of difficulties and changes. Of course living in an unhappy home is not going to be great for your boy either. None of us know you or your circumstances, only you can decide what is best - can you talk to someone in 'real life'? You are bound to get more helpful advice from people who know you than from strangers on an internet forum. All I would say is that whatever decision you come to please do your best to keep things civil and make it as easy on your child as possible, try not to let bitterness take over. I hope things work out for you whatever you decide to do.
 
in the time it took my mother to work up the courage to leave, i learned a great deal.

i learned:

women are not to be valued
mothers are unimportant
it is ok to verbally abuse women and children
it is ok to emotionally abuse the same
physical abuse of women and girls is ok, too
it is ok to fool around with any other woman
it is ok treat women with derision and contempt
it is ok to lie about anything and everything

that was just MY childhood. like i said, i was ready to leave YEARS before my mother was. it took me years to recover and learn that the above is NOT normal and is NOT the way it should be.

i know that not all homes are like that...but that is what i learned from my mother staying with my father.

when my mother finally left, she and i learned:

it is VERY difficult being a single mum
it is VERY difficult having no one else to take up the "slack"
it is MUCH better to have a life, than be afraid of it.
 
stephanie.happy,

hmm... not knowing what is going on in your marriage, suggest u see a counsellor.
i think you can find the info on family planning website, they have marriage counsellor.
 
Can anyone else recommend some specific names of counselors (both marital and personal) or ways to get that information?

To Stephanie.happy, I think you can consider trying counseling first; not necessarily because it would make your marriage work out, but to help you come to a decision. If your husband won't go with you, you can try to go by yourself. The counselor won't make a decision for you, but they might be able to help you really consider all your options, and figure out what the underlying issues are so that YOU can make the best decision, which is what it sounds like you are worried about.

Since my parents stayed together (not a perfect marriage, but they were able to tough it out), I cannot give personal advice, but from what I read here from other people there is no easy choice, and I really wish you the best of luck. You sound like a caring mom who is trying to do the best thing for her child, and so no matter what you end up deciding to do I am it will be the right decision for your family.
 
not knowing how "dead" your marriage is, very hard to give opinion on what to do.

you should not stay in a abusive marriage. my parents thankfully divorced before i turned 3/4 yrs old. I can't even remember them being married.

if the marriage is "dead" because of no spark or unhappy about the situation then seek counselling first. if it is "dead" because you argue and can't even stand the site of each other divorce does seem like a good idea but if no physical or emotional abuse then should seek counselling before signing documents.

my wife feels our marriage is "dead" since my son was born and i have a different opinion. But i have also told her that if she really wants to get a divorce, not to let our son stand in the way of that decision. staying in a marriage just for the kids is usually not a good idea (my dad is a twice divorcee as he was really abusive to both wives and i think me and my half-siblings are better off not living with him).

to put into perspective, my wife thinks our marriage is "dead" because i am not ambitious enough to start my own business and make a lot of money so i am not her ideal husband. this is not a good reason for divorce.

being a single parent can be hard or easy on both you and your son. but staying in a abusive relationship will be a lot worse.
 
Thank you very much ALL for your advice and being so supportive!

mwong222, it sounds like our situation are kind of similar. Fortunately, my marriage hasn't turned into an abusive one yet. My husband has fooled around with other woman a few times. Although he is still a responsible husband/father, but I lost faith into him and started feeling no longer in love with him. I sense that he feels the same way. We are very different type of person in terms of personality, value of life, discipline and even daily work/rest time table! Those I believed would be complementary in a marriage, now somehow all became the reasons that caused the divergence.

Same as your wife, I feel my marriage is 'dead' since my son was born (for different reasons though). I therefore, would like to know more about your view as a husband and a male. I trust it would help me a lot in making a right decision.
 
is he really fooling around? if yes, then i think you should have left already. my wife thinks i fooling around because we haven't done it since my son was born but i choose not to have sex because my son shares the same bed as us. that is just weird.

i would have left on the cheating alone. only because he will not stop. if he is seeing prostitutes, you also have to worry that he will bring some disease home. if any thing, this is already a good enough reason to seek councilling but i really doubt he will stop (especially since there is no love anymore). I don't consider fooling around to be a responsible husband.

As long as you love your son and are there for him then he will be fine. he will not be fine growing up in an unhappy home.

we got married because she was pregnant. we haven't even dated for 6 months when it happened. this is another reason why she has regrets which i can understand. we also have different personalities, views (because i am american and she is mainland Chinese), culture (i am ABC but still do not understand the chinese customs), and all the other stuff you mentioned (she gives me a curfew just so i will go to bed same time as her). but we do talk things out and work on our marriage for ourselves and not for our son (it also helps that i am pretty easy-going and patient).

everyone's situation is different. i think you should talk to your husband first. then seek professional help if needed. i would only say definite divorce if there is abuse. for cheating, positive maybe (personally i would but that is because i had a bad experiance with an ex-gf who i was serious with cheating on me and she just wouldn't stop no matter how many chances i gave her (love makes people stupid).

this is just my opinion based on my experiances and not a view from a male/husband perspective. you should talk to your friends and family as they know your whole situation better than i do. i can say yes to a divorce because i will be the least affected from it. it would hurt my wife more. if it was the other way around, i may be against a divorce.
 
sorry, cheating (for me) is a BIG no-no... there are no longer just the 3 of you... EVERY woman he sleeps with becomes part of your marriage.

to me, it is emotional abuse... he's telling you that you aren't good enough every time he cheats on you... the scary thing is, it sounds like you are starting to believe it.
hence, emotional abuse. he's lowered your self-esteem to the point that you don't think you deserve to be treated with respect and love.
 
mwong222, same as you, I had never slept with my husband since my son was born. I've seen photos from his cell phone showing him with different girls and once a SMS, no solid evidence showing he has slept with any, but I still believe he has cheated on me given woman's six sense. Similar as you again, I'm from Australia and he is a Hong Kong-er, that makes us even more different on all things.
It sounds you still love your wife. If you wife wishes you to go to bed same time as her, that means she still loves you too and she wants the same love from you.
 
Stephanie it does not essentially mean a wife loves her husband if she wants him to go to bed with her at the same time. It may however mean she is a bit controlling. What if on some nights the husband wants to watch soccer or hang out with buddies?
Secondly your husband cannot be held entirely responsible for lack of intimacy between you two, you maybe equally to blame. Could it be that because he is not getting any emotional or physical support from you (Since your son was born) that he is looking for it elsewhere? By saying that I am not in any way justifying his actions but just want you to do some soul searching yourself. What efforts have you put in to keep your marriage alive??

PS: Ladies please don't read between the lines here. I am just suggesting some possibilities.
 
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it takes two to tango, or not as the case may be. geomum could very easily be right.

i think there are some of us that have a difficult time realising that you cannot replace your husband's role with your child. it is very easy to sometimes neglect the husband in favour of the child. this could cause your husband to feel just that... neglected. he may go off and find someone who doesn't make him feel that way.

i do not condone this, but i can understand it. instead of looking elsewhere, hubby should be talking to wifey about it. and wifey should be listening and not dismissing hubby's protests...

(not to say this is what is in fact happening...)
 
Hi Stephanie

i was a single mother. Its hard but not impossible.

My ex-husdand cheated on me and I never think twice about leaving, my daughter was 6 yrs old then. To make matter worse, my ex did not give me any maintenance and even emptied our joint account. In the end I have to start from stratch all over again. It was really hard but my girl told me she was happier being with me alone rather than having a father who always sneaks out in the middle of the night. My girl is 19 now and all these years my ex have never visited her at all. She is now a happy & lively young lady.

I re-marry again 2 years ago and now I have a 8 months old boy.

i have also sent you a pm.

All the best
 
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