How to create a happy employer and helper relationship

S

sorchului

Registered User
Having read some of the recent news and threads about helpers (mobile phones, going out late, murder the employer..) which sound quite negative, I think it's time to post a positive thread.

What makes a happy helper or how to create a healthy relationship?

Here are some of my ideas:
1. Be respectful and polite. Say please, thank you, good morning....afterall we are all human beings.
2. Do not impose unreasonalble rules such as banning mobile phones.
3. No shouting or scolding. If they have done something wrong, just explain what they have done wrong and how to do it right.
4. Speak positively. It's better to say "it would be better to...'' or ''Please....'' rather than ''Do not.......'' For example: ''Please separate the black and white laundry otherwise the whites will be stained''; not ''Do not put the black and white laundry together, otherwise you will ruin my clothes.''
5. Show your appreciation and give rewards sometimes such as a bar of chocolate.

Looking forward to your ideas!
 
"staff" meetings

we have regular staff meetings with our helper where we discuss what is working, what isn't, what needs to be tweaked, how the system can work better. she understands it isn't a time where we ream her out, but an opportunity for us all to think together and combine ideas.

at each meeting we will discuss what isn't working, or areas that need to be improved, both from her perspective and ours. i find this helps with communication around the flat.
 
Stress if the big killer - from both sides. If a helper is stressed then they cannot work so effectively. If an employer is stressed, they may take it out on the helper.

It is my job to make my helper's job less stressful, so that she can do her job well, and hence make my job less stressful etc etc. It's a circular relationship.

There have been times when I have had to ask my helper to do something differently, or to change the schedule - we just talk thorugh the reasons behind it. She makes suggestions too, which is great. I understand that some helpers (like many people) may have trouble thinking independently, but if they work in a culture where everything is decided for them (how to clean/where to clean/how often to clean etc) then you can't expect both complete obedience and independent thought (Same problem with the local school system here, but that's another thread.....)......
 
Just put yourself in their shoes. Be empathetic and don't let bad experiences cloud your judgement/perception.

Don't micro-manage - allow them to be independent, don't treat them or their role as subservient, let them know that you value them and their contribution to the household, ask for their opinions, never go to them with a problem but with a solution, show them how to do the task - don't just tell them.

Give them time to develop their skills, pay for them to attend courses such as CPR - or cooking classes, show interest in their interests. If you have a helper who loves to cook - buy her a new cookbook now and then.

Take her out for a coffee and a cupcake once in a while just for a chat.

Most importantly - treat them with respect, respect their privacy, respect their culture, respect the fact that they may have a family too that they need to support.

In reference to aussiegirl's comment: talk about the pot calling the kettle black. And your comment about 'who cares in the end' well, I do.
 
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Bumps said:
In reference to aussiegirl's comment: talk about the pot calling the kettle black. And your comment about 'who cares in the end' well, I do.
Click to expand...

i was refering to me not caring in the end what you think. That you made such black and white, nasty criticisms in the other thread tell me all I need to know about you.
 
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Likewise. Your arrogance and sarcastic undertone is MOST impressive. Guess I won't see you at the march tomorrow with your helper? ....

"And to stir the pot, we have two ex-helpers in our building who have 'replaced' the originals. Hopefully when your husbands are out bar hopping (or working late i think they call it) they won't be hooking up with HappyV or Bump's helpers and planning ways to leave...

I'm being extreme only to counteract some of the stupid comments here."
 
I bow to your goodness. No, I won't be at the march. Am I going to hell because of it?

For the record we have as good a relationship with our helper as I believe possible given that at the end of the day she is still my employee and I am not looking for a friend or to increase the family size. We look after her, we like her, we have brought her sisters out and found them jobs, we give her extra time off, extra long holidays back home and we pay her well above average. We don't get her to do things we wouldn't do ourselves. This said we have struggled through two previous, useless helpers to get to her and I can completely understand it when other people are looking for help in working through issues with their own helpers.

My sarcastic tone was meant to counteract your judgemental, holier than though tone. Perhaps when you re-read your words a few months for now you'll get some perspective.
 
Again, your sarcastic undertone is to be complemented...
I am glad that you think you have such a great relationship with you domestic employee.
I have re-read my words and your words... and I do have a lot of perspective, especially about the words that you have written.
 
ok.... i think we all need to back down.

as i said in a previous post, like mothering, we each do the best we can by our own families and situations. these situations are different for everyone.

i don't think that ANYONE here is trying to do bad by their helper. i hope that we each treat them the way we would want to be treated. (again, this would be different for everyone.)

lets all agree to live and let live. if there's nothing of use to add to the thread, stop.

as for how i've built a solid relationship with my helper:
1) only ask of her what i would be willing to do myself
2) try to offer assistance/advice when asked. when not, butt out (i actually AM able to do that, believe it or not.)
3) respect the HUGE contribution she makes to our family
4) ensure my own children treat her with the respect she deserves
5) remember that without her, i wouldn't be able to do the work that i do and hubby wouldn't be able to do the work that he does
6) not get jealous of the love my children have for her. remember that the more people who love and cherish my children, the better off they are.
7)remember how lucky we are to be able to have a helper and not have to resort to daycare

more concrete things:
1) given her more holidays than is mandated by law
2) invited her husband over on 3 occasions to come and stay with us (he works in saudi arabia)
3) in the process of trying to hire him so they can be together after 20 years of marriage
4) invited her son to hk for christmas
5) provided her with a proper bedroom that also has a tv and dvd player
6) invited her friends for a bbq that i prepared
7) given her money to buy her friends lunch on sunday (they went shopping and decided what to cook and one lady made a special meal for them all~ i think it fed 8 people!)
8) gone into the local filipino shop and had my kids pick out special snacks and a magazine for her just to say thank you
9)when we moved to an area with terrible mobile reception, had a landline installed for her, which i pay for
10)always back her up when my m-i-l is scolding her for doing precisely what i asked her to do
 
All of the above advice is great. Additionally:

We call each other by our first names - no Sir/Mam

When we are going out on weekday nights/weekends we give them at least a day's notice (more if we can) and always ask if they are able to babysit. Of course they have hardly ever said no, but on occasion they have had important evenings scheduled (baptism/leaving parties etc.) and we have amended our plans - give and take.

We have a white board for messages in the kitchen. We write key things down so they aren't forgotten, as do they - it has definitely meant less misunderstandings!

Be sensitive to the fact they are a long way from home and family - they have access to our home computer and landline to keep in contact with friends.

Ensure my kids respect them as caregivers and figures of authority, not 'servants'. When we are not around, their word is law. As they get older, they will be asked to tidy their own rooms etc. and put toys away themselves. Absolutely they will carry their own school bags - my pet hate is seeing helpers burdened down with multiple heavy school bags walking 5 paces behind children perfectly able to carry their own stuff

Empower them - they do the shopping independently and plan meals, with my input as required. Value that contribution - I consistently tell them what a load off my mind not worrying about meals and shopping is!

I regularly ask for their advice with regard to the kids - they see them day in day out (sadly more than I do when I am working) so before I decide on a course of action or discipline, I check with them that we are all on the same page.

Really thank them for doing the truly horrible jobs (e.g. our dog threw up on the bed last night and cleaning it can't have been pleasant).

These ones are finances permitting of course:

We installed the Philippino channel in their room (we hear lots of laughter at night as they watch their favorite programmes)

Instead of paying for one flight home, we brought my helpers daughter and husband over for a holiday in our house while we went away for 2 weeks. Often helpers have mixed feelings about going home as their extended family put their hands out for money and it can not be much of a 'holiday'. This way her husband and daughter got to understand a little of her life here and had a nice holiday alone together.
 
Carang I really love the idea of going into a local filipino shop to get some treats.... or to even take them there! I have not seen one in Hong Kong. Which one do you go to? Yes, lets bring it back on track!
 
there are usually little shops dotted around hk. we live in sai kung and there must be 3 or 4. my kids LOVE to be able to pick out special treats for her and she really appreciates that we do it. my kids not only pick out the treats but when we get home, they each give them to her and say,
"thank you for taking good care of our family etc"

as a matter of fact, when we were teaching the kids about various occupations, we taught exactly that...she takes good care of our family.

we dont' do the sir/ma'am thing either... we do first names as well.
 
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LeahH - I love your post too. I also do the whiteboard idea - it really helps - we even do jokes or drawings ... which is funny.

We have a facebook account that her family is included in and we post to them regularly with photos.

I mark down dates in my diary that are important to her such as her mothers birthday, her father's anniversary, her anniversary with her partner. i put the appropriate ones on the board, help her send gifts off and send one of my own, understand the need for time and space on certain days and make her particular days special - such as birthday/ anniversary.On her birthday and anniversary she has a half day and I book her into have a massage. Our treat.
 
we've always tried to give our helper her birthday off as well. and usually $500 to get something for herself...

we also had her friend (who lives on the other side of hk, where we used to live) come to spend the night at our house. i bought them some shandys and rented a movie they wanted to see and they were happy to hang out but too shy to do it in the living room.
 
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That is really sweet Carang - We have our helper's friend's over for BBQs in the backyard sometimes - like for Christmas Parties, New Years etc. It is seriously so much fun. I make sure that she does not 'work' by cleaning up etc on these nights - It is just a time to have fun and enjoy life.
 
aussiegal - I think you need some perspective. All I am saying is that it is unreasonable to treat helpers in a heavy handed fashion, just because they are 'helpers'. Rules, fine - but edicts on when one may and may not talk on the phone/leave or enter the flat/ go out during their 'off' time is neither fair nor reasonable.
I find it amusing that you automatically assume that just because my helper has the freedom to make her own choices, that they are automatically 'bad' ones.......(and if everyone who ever had a drink in Wanchai was 'bad' then most of HK has no morals.......).

I am glad that you have a good relationship with your helper. But extremism goes both ways on the spectrum.
 
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