How old were you when you were ready for a baby ?

[cuppatea]

Apologies if a similar poll has been done before but I was wondering how old you were when you decided to have a baby?
And more importantly, how did you know when you were ready emotionally and financially to start a family?

I am asking because I sometimes have quite mixed feelings about having kids, sometimes I want a big family, other times I joke about just being a 'dog' lady and getting a few more dogs
I am 27 and I'm in a steady, long term relationship so that is not the worry or issue, but I am worried I will never feel ready and sometimes wonder if I think about having a baby because that is what is done and normal and what is expected of me if you know what I mean....

I was told by my friends mum that some women just wake up 1 week and feel the need to have children (like her) and how it can sometimes be a deeper biological thing that happens to us, anyone agree with this ?

 

[charade]

Cuppatea, I was never into babies (I was a dog lady too and even today, if there's a dog or a baby around, I'll go pet the dog first). I liked some kids and actively disliked others but was thoroughly indifferent to babies. However, when I moved to Hong Kong I couldn't help being charmed by Chinese babies (I know this sounds weird but it's the honest truth). Around the time I turned 28, I started finding other babies cute too. I knew theoretically I wanted kids but would have postponed the baby decision indefinitely except my husband brought it up and said we'd better start trying now or we'd postpone forever. It then turned out that I had a cyst on my ovary that would make it difficult to concieve plus my sister had her own difficulties getting pregnant. It's amazing how not being able to get pregnant focuses your mind on wanting to get pregnant.

By the time I got pregnant the maternal instinct was in full form. My sis had her baby first and everyone in my family was shocked at how much time I spent holding my niece and jogging her around the room to get her to sleep. One thing I have found to be true is that even if you're not into babies per se, you will be into your own baby (it's rare for mothers to not fall in love with their babies). And in my case, I've become very into other babies also - I even coo at the very small ones I used to think were ugly before.

Labour was a horror though and my baby had reflux and I was so tired that I said never again. I wanted two kids but wanted to adopt. Except, oops, I just got pregnant again. Not a fan of pregnancy or labour but I am a fan of my little baby.

The other day I woke up and realised that my children - my son and my baby inside me - are the most important thing in my life. Nothing I do at work or anywhere else in life is as cool, interesting or amazing as them. The good thing about Hong Kong is that you can get help which means you can go to work or get a break whenever you need it.

The bottom line is if you're anything like me - you're not going to wake up one day and want babies. More likely the feeling will come on gradually but at some point you need to stop overthinking it and 'just do it'.

Here's an article that might put things in some perspective for you:
http://www.babble.com/mom/relationships/parenthood-and-happiness-children-happy-parents/

 

[carang]

my grandfather, an anglican minister for 50+ years, once said, "If you wait to be financially ready to have a child, you will NEVER have a child." you will always find something else on which to spend your money.

i always knew i wanted kids, i just wasn't in a hurry. hubby and i married when i was 27 and we had our first the year i turned 33 and our second two years later.

although i loved my life before my kids, i really would NEVER, EVER, EVER go back to the way things were. there's something to be said for knowing that the entire universe does not revolve around you and your wants/needs....knowing that there is another being who is wholly dependent upon you....

i have on occasion thought about taking a weekend break with hubby, leaving our kids at home with our helper, but every time i start to plan it, i think about how much fun the kids would have if they came with us and invariably, change the plans to include the kids.

 

[nicolejoy]

I was married at 23 and initially I wanted to wait a year and then start a family. Everything didn't line up for us though since we moved to Hong Kong when we were married for about a year and a half, and hubby wanted to wait until after we were settled here. After that, it took us more than a year to conceive so we were married for nearly 4 years when our oldest daughter was born. I was 27, and one of the youngest in my "due date group" here in HK, although many of my Australian friends had kids much earlier.

For me, I was ready. I've never been a baby person and still after 2 kids, I'm not really a baby person. But the transition to motherhood was quite easy for me. I was already wanting another baby when my oldest was only 3 months old!! Since the first time around, it had taken me a while to conceive, we decided to "not try not to have another one" and see what happened. I fell pregnant and miscarried when my oldest was about 10 months, then fell pregnant again when she was 12 months. My 2nd daughter was born when I was 29 and the transition to two kids was harder than the transition from none to one!! We still plan to have a third one day, although there are days where I think for sure we'll have that 3rd and final baby - other days when I'm quite happy with the two I've got!!

I agree with the previous posters - there's never a perfect time to have kids... and also, I think that very few people ever regret having kids. There are benefits to having kids young (health reasons for both mother and baby, energy levels etc...) but also benefits to waiting until 30's (more financially stable, more life experience). I also think that it has to be something that both partners agree on...

anyway - all the best in making your decision!!

 

[cuppatea]

Thanks for the replies so far ladies.
If I am honest, my biggest fear about having kids is the labour and commitment, followed by the lack of support network if I am still in HK and actually, the idea of huge changes too...wow I guess I am fearful about a lot regarding kids !

I just can't imagine ever wanting to give up our independent adult lives ! Being able to stay out late, randomness, nice meals, staying up late, sleeping in late (if we want!) the general ability to be a bit more spontaneous.
Okay we have our dog which has been a slight commitment curve but at least we are able to leave him with friends or at a kennel if we need to, there aren't kennels for babies are there?

I think I just thought that by my age I'd be wanting kids more so than like 5 years ago, but if anything I want them less and this is worrying...

charade - I am similar, I like babies but not kids, kids are too noisy!
The other day I was waiting in my lobby and these twin boys were literally running around the lobby screaming....I just thought 'omg poor mum!'

 

[Biggie]

About horrible kids, just tell yourself that your kid will not be like that. And even if he/ she seems horrible to others you will still think he is perfect (most of the time).
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[nicolejoy]

cuppa - if you want to have kids and retain a bit of your lifestyle, HK is the place to do it, with the domestic help available here! Date nights are easy to organise, even with little notice. My husband and I like to spend most of our time with the kids, but often after we put them to bed, we go out and do something together - lately we've been swimming lots, previously we would walk around the neighbourhood and get some dessert etc...

Labour - I honestly think that the horror stories are SO much worse than the actual thing in most cases... I think that most women have a labour which, even though is painful, is bearable and as soon as the baby is here, the pain stops pretty much immediately. If labour were that bad, then mothers would be MORE scared the 2nd time around but in actual fact, generally they're not. I'm not saying that labour is a walk in the park, but it's nothing to be SO scared about.

 

[pooch]

I was married at 24. My husband and I both agreed we didn't want to have kids. I enjoyed our life as it was. We both had great jobs. Kids were never in the picture. Then I turned 30 and all of a sudden felt a biological NEED to have children. It was weird. 5 years later, I now have 3 beautiful boys and am contemplating a 4th!

 

[AmyH]

When I was in my early 20s my husband and I discussed having children. I wanted 7 (Irish and from a large family!)and he wanted 1! I fell pregnant on my first when I was 24, he was born when I was 25. My husband and I were not actively trying but were not practicing prevention either! We were very happy and excited about it. My son was born premature (27 weeks) and from when he was about 1, I was sure we would definitely have more.

My husband, on the other hand, was very happy with only 1 so we waited. Just after we moved to Hong Kong (my son was 4) we had a conversation about it and decided that we would not have any more as it would be difficult here without any family support etc but fate stepped in and I was already pregnant when we were having that conversation! My daughter was a very happy accident.

She is now 2 and my son is 7 and I definitely know that I do not want any more but am very glad that we had a second.

 

[thanka2]

Some women go into motherhood linearly and some women go into motherhood in a more roundabout way. I never wanted to get married or have children. By the time I was 24 I was both. My first pregnancy was completely unplanned. I have moral objections to abortion but I felt so unprepared for motherhood that abortion did cross my mind a few times.

But, I am learning more and more that life is better and more interesting when it doesn't go the way that I wanted or expected. My son is 4-years-old now and I also have a 6-month-old daughter. Like it or not, they are the focus of my life now. Even though, I'm a full-time employee outside the home, just as carang said, they put a kabosh on a lot of my selfishness. Now my time, energy and resources belong to them. I don't think anyone can really "be ready" to have children. Even the people who think they are ready probably aren't. It's a great unknown you dive into when you have children.

As far as labor goes--this most recent labor was great for me! I prefer labor over the entire 10 months of pregnancy. I really don't enjoy being pregnant--what with all the weight gain, emotional roller coaster, swelling, aches, (morning sickness for those who have that long-term), itchy skin (I had it severely for four months this time), clothes not fitting, doctor appointments, blood draws, tests, exhaustion, cravings....yeah, if I could just skip all that and go through labor I would choose that every time! Labor was great for me--what a deep experience. Every time I think about it it warms my heart.

If you aren't willing to forfeit (at least temporarily) your "fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants" lifestyle (that's what I call the type of way we lived before kids) then I would say having children might not be the best idea (if you have a choice in the matter) right now. That was one of the hardest adjustments for me, actually--to provide a good rhythm/routine that benefited our child and ourselves we had to become pretty "boring" pretty fast. But, our children are still young now so who knows how things will change in the future.

But, I'm glad that I as "drafted" into motherhood early because as it is, I find that my energy isn't always high enough to keep up with my children. I can't imagine what it would be like for me to have my first child any later than when I did. I want to be a hands-on parent with enough energy to do that. Plus, it's great that both sets of grandparents are only in their early-mid 50s so they also have enough energy to really be involved in their grandchildrens' lives. My grandparents were not involved in my life growing up and I really feel like I missed out because of that.

I also agree with nicolejoy that HK is the spot to have children and raise them while they're young if you want to have extra help. Hiring help is feasible and can make the adjustment to having children less shocking, I think.

It just takes some soul-searching, I think. Consider what your husband/boyfriend/partner (not sure how you identified him) has to say but definitely make the choice for yourself because you will have to live with that choice and that child for the rest of the child's life.

BTW, I'll be turning 29 this year.

 

[carang]

hmmm.... 29... i remember that.... i'll be celebrating the 10th anniversary of my 29th birthday next month.

 

[Junebugwhite]

I was 40 when my husband and I finally thought we wanted a child, we always thought we were not into being parents. It suddenly changed for both of us. I just had our first (and probably onlly because i am of ADVANCED MATERNAL AGE) child at 42. We just were not ready before, maybe selfishness, etc. Who knows, but I feel much better waiting until I was ready than feeling the pressure of the clock. Yes, we could have missed our chance by waiting so long...but we got lucky. 10 months of trying naturally and it happend.

 

[ozmerc]

I got married when I was 26 and pregnant with the first at 27. I was definitely ready and it was the perfect time for me. I had time to be 'free' in my teens and early twenties, I had a good job but I had no specific career aspirations and I didn't find the corporate world particularly fulfilling. So I became a stay at home mum and I still had time up my sleeve to enjoy just having the one for a while before contemplating the second. I just had my second (and last) child. I'm not keen on another pregnancy and I have visions of paying 3x international school fees and driving a people mover. No thanks! I was probably about 3-4 years ahead of my friends back home - most seemed to hit the big 3-0 and then began popping out babies.

Labour is such a minor consideration IMO. What comes after that is much, much harder!!

 

[catan]

I never wanted children, but when I married at 25, suddenly-- I wanted them bad. It was strange. We had difficulty conceiving, and I finally had my first one at 28. Wanting a child doesn't mean I was ready for one!

 

[southside852]

it wasn't so much my age which i went by, it was more of me wanting to enjoy my first few years of marriage with my husband - just us 2 together. I married at 27 and our first son was born when i was 30. we had an amazing 3 years of marriage together which then had us ready to begin the next chapter in our lives - starting a family and i just happened to be 30.

 

[keninhk]

A random guy's perpective.

I married when I wanted to start a family, my wife didn't at the time. Then 3yrs ago, my wife changed her mind, but by then so had I. Just the way it was really. Happy to say that our 1st is now due in July and we are both ready, or think we are...

32 yrs young this year!

Sent from my GT-I9100 using GeoClicks Mobile

 

[Gracey]

Cuppatea
I think way too much fuss is made over labor. After all, it's finite. Even if it's an extremely long labor, it's no more than a day or two out of your life. And with medical technology, you can choose to go the natural route, or to have pain relief, or a C-section.
When I was pregnant, I was brainwashed by all the fussing over labor. My whole neo-natal class focused on something that -- at the end of the day -- was just a short hospital stay.
The big committment is actually raising the kids. The first two months of breastfeeding were a million times harder than labor.
It's fine if people don't want kids. Your other reasons -- wanting to stay out late, not liking noisy kids -- seem to be about lifestyle and are more legit.
Two of my girlfriends never wanted kids. They devote themselves to work, travel, hobbies, friends, and are extremely happy.
But I've never heard of someone who, deep inside, really wanted kids, but was just put off by something that lasts several hours!

 

[Gracey]

Cuppatea -- Honestly, if your main concerns are going out at night, doing what you want when you want, sleeping in, etc. and you put these pursuits above caring for your child, then maybe you shouldn't have them.
There's no rule that everyone has to be a parent.
It's sad when I see kids born just because their parents were under social pressure, but who aren't really wanted and are just treated like a nuisance.

I just met a mom-to-be who was already planning on sending her baby away to be cared for by someone else. So (and I know you're joking) but there are people who treat their kids like animals who have to be kenneled.
My Chinese ayi just told me of "hospitals" in China where rich people send their infants for those difficult first months, even though they're perfectly healthy. They basically grow up in fancier versions of orphanages.
A less crazy version is the rich Hong Kong tai tai who has a houseful of servants, who's barely ever lifted her own baby.
Which makes me ask -- why have kids to being with?

BTW, you seem to have a rather odd view that parenthood = loser.
I'm a full-time working mom. I eat at nice restaurants. I have a beloved cat, a social life, an active working life, and am very independent.
And as the baby gets older, she will integrate even more into my life. I hope that, someday, she will be my eating / shopping / travelling buddy.
Of course I've made some adjustments. I deliberately don't have our helper come in the mornings so I can spend a good three hours with my daughter before I work at noon. I do this because it's my great joy. I schedule more lunches now than dinner because I really like catching my baby before her bedtime. But, again, this is not because it's an obligation -- it's because I love it. If I really wanted to stay out, I could, esp. with the childcare situation in HK.

The tone of your message is slightly resentful. The idea of having a baby doesn't seem to make you happy (maybe it does, and it just doesn't come across in a brief message). But if your only concern is that you're "supposed to" feel a certain way, that doesn't seem reason enough to bring a life into this world, and be responsible for 18+ years.

 

[Gracey]

By the way, I didn't mean the above message to sound harsh. It just seems like, if you're so conflicted, think carefully about what you really want, instead of doing what you think you "should" do.
Personally, I love kids. I always did. For various personal, relationship and medical reasons, I had to wait until my 30s to have a child.
But my non-mommy girlfriend just decided to go off for a yoga retreat with no notice! I'm happy that she's happy.
We're all different.

 

[carang]

yes, think carefully about it, but also know that when/if it happens to you, your whole perspective MAY change.

yes, hubby and i can and do go out for dinner just the two of us, but more often than not, we enjoy taking the kids with us.

it's taken a while, but i can sleep in again. my 5 & 7 year olds can get up, make their own breakfast, brush their own teeth, have their own showers, dress themselves and keep themselves occupied and quite happy until 10-11am on a Sunday, if mummy's really tired. they WILL come up and ask permission to do certain things, but then they go back downstairs on their own.

it's not like you're giving up these things forever, is it?