How many kids?

[ssheng]

We've currently a 4 month old daughter, and my husband and I are talking about how many kids to have in total. Before we were married and before having baby number 1, we had decided 3 was a great number, or even 4. But now that I've had the one and see how much is invested in each child, I am not sure if it is the more the merrier anymore, and wanted some views from others raising kids in HK. My concerns:

1). I am worried about being able to give enough attention to my daughter once I have one kid...wouldn't that be even more so after having more?

2). Housing here is really cramped as it is...how do people with 3 or more kids manage? (I know we could move to the New Territories or Southside, but wondering how people closer to Central do it? We live in West Kowloon right now).

3). My career is already taking a back seat with our first and my hubby wants me to be a SAHM...with 3 or more he will really have a lot of fuel for this argument and I'm not sure I would be happy if I didn't have some sort of career.

Anyway, any thoughts on this topic would be really appreciated! Obviously there are also the normal financial concerns of having many kids, and I do definitely want to give my daughter a sibling...just not sure how many!

 

[carang]

1) i only have two, but would KILL for another one. sadly, that doesn't seem to be an option for us at the moment, or any time in the future. (still hoping i can talk hubby into adopting...)

i may be VERY lucky, but my two kids LOVE doing stuff together. they are 2 years apart and don't EVER want to do things without the other one. they can play for days on end without arguing/fighting (most of the time) and are really each other's best friends. they are now 3 & 5 yrs old, i don't know if this will last or if it will change as they get older.

as for attention, well, we treat them equally. tonight one kids chooses the story, tomorrow night the other one does. that kind of thing. i have two legs, so they can each sit on my lap if necessary, and they each get their own cuddles. now, of course, they have different personalities and allowances must be made for that, but generally, i've never found it to be a problem.

2) can't answer that as we live in Sai Kung in a lovely HUGE house for less than $17k/month...you could not PAY ME to live "near to central".... YUCK! not for me (of course, i know plenty of people who love it and can't imagine living out in the sticks where we are.)

3) only YOU can answer that one. every woman is different and what fulfills one woman doesn't necessarily fulfill the next. i decided to take my job as a private tutor and change it. i openned my own playgroup & tutorial centre and ABSOLUTELY love what i do. i decided to do it for many reasons, but one of the biggest was that i didn't like being away from my young kids so much... this way, i could pack up kids and helper and bring them to work with me. 2.5 years later, my daughter still comes with me twice per week (i only usually teach 3 days/week as i now have employees to teach the other days).

lastly... there is nothing to say that you need to make this decision now. why not wait a while... try for #2... see how it goes and THEN decide? i know that my brother and his partner always said they wanted a "van-ful"... but after one miscarriage at 12 weeks and then a premie baby for #2 that had to stay in hospital for 6+ weeks... they decided that they were more than happy with 2 and have no intentions of having any more.

 

[carey]

I think we speaks of this subject we all think alike. My parents have 4 children and my husband's has 2 siblings.

But now to us, we've considered all the reasons mentioned and decided to have two and two ONLY. My husband talked about having a football team before getting married but I knew he was joking.

 

[Aava.Wong]

i wanted atleast 3 before getting married. i grew up in a big family and love my siblings! i've a friend who is the only child and she loves how i can share everything with my siblings but she has no one to share - ofcourse she has me and her other friends and cousins, etc. but it's not the same.

my bub is nearing to 1 year old and we've talked about having no. 2 when he's ready for kindergarten. i've same concerns as you but we'll manage when no. 2 comes along as we've managed with the first one. no. 3 might not happen but let's see when no. 2 comes along.

...and i might finally get my wish to move further away from central when this flat starts getting crowded. just don't tell my hubby!

 

[nicolejoy]

I'd love three or four as well and HK hasn't changed that for me.

I think that sometimes you do need to sacrifice "convenience" for "space" when it comes to a house. TKO area is quite nice and has larger places for cheaper prices - but it's about 35-45min to Central. Sai Kung/Clearwater Bay is apparently even cheaper, and you can have terrace houses with gardens etc but further again.

If you don't want to move so far, you can put the kids in a shared room (I probably would only put 2 in together) so for 3 kids, you could probably get a 3 bedroom with a maids room if you had a helper. There's plenty of those around - and really it's amazing how little space we actually "need"...

I think that in HK there is the wonderful opportunity for a family to do very little housework and then have more time for family - so even if you did work full time with a helper, there's still a lot of time left to spend time with your kids - AND you wouldn't have to split your time between your kids and the house work.

I think that kids need your attention - but if you have two kids for example, you don't need to give 50% to one kid and 50% to the other. You can give say for example, 90% to "family time" and then have a special 5% "one on one" time for each kid. The children aren't going to feel neglected because you're spending time as a family instead of focusing ONLY on them... In fact I think that doing that will help them to bond to their siblings and feel more connected in your family.

In terms of a career, you need to decide how important it is to you, whether you're willing to work less to be with your family more - or whether you want to advance your career as your first priority. No one can tell you what is right for you - some women feel they are better mothers when they are working hard and bringing in good money. Others want to make financial and career sacrifices in order to spend more time with their family. Some do the "middle road" of working part time and therefore probably hindering their advancement opportunities - but still bringing in money and still having time for their families. You need to decide what will work for you and your family.