How Long To Adjust to Having A DH? Is It For Me?

S

sea princess

Registered User
Hi
I need to vent my frustration somewhere, so apologies in advance! I really want to know, is a DH really for me? I know I am the only one who can answer that, but in the month we have had her, I am feeling incredibly suffocated!

We employed a helper primarily for cleaning & ironing as well as caring for our pets when we travel back home or holiday abroad and occasional child minding. We have a very open plan apartment with a maids room off the kitchen (so in sight of our living room). I'm finding it a real struggle having someone in my space all of the time. It's like a flat mate that never goes out!

Our DH is a 52 years of age and we hired her on recommendation from another expat family who had used her. Probably due to her age, she is not keen on having time off to herslf to go wandering. I have told her once she has finished cleaning to have time in her room or she can leave the apartment, but instead she hangs around all day and night waiting for more work. I feel she is always dwelling on me or my child, whom incidently is finding a new person living in the house pretty daunting.

Has anyonne else been in a similiar situation? Any advice? I feel myself getting irritated and I end up going out of the house just so I can have some space.
 
Hi Sea Princess, I hear your frustration and feel exactly the same. We hired our DH around 3 months ago, and although I think she is quite a good employee, I am stuggling with having her around most of the time. Don't get me wrong, I am extremely thankful of the opportunity to have her, and do appreciate her help (she does a good job). I think the issue is me - this is my home and I am not used to having someone around for a full 6 days a week. A fault of mine is that I am extremely particular in the way things are done, and even if she does something up to standard but it is not the way I would do it, it frustrates me. Also, she is so eager to please that I have often asked her to do something, she has answered 'Yes' but then not done it because she really didn't know how, even when she said she did. She does lack a little common sense and occasionally does not listen to instructions, which I stuggle to come to terms with as well. I try and remind myself of the positives:
- Thankfully she is great with our daughter (although she does minimal babysitting);
- She is generally good at cleaning and does work very hard;
- She can cook from a recipe, she does a great job and saves me going into the kitchen at night;
- She does give my husband and I some freedom which we didn't have before (we can go out for dinner or elsewhere at last minute);
- She never complains, and if I ask her to do something she does it (even if it is not how I would).
But most of all - she gives me the opportunity to spend more time with my daughter, as I don't have to worry about the housework or cooking.
Some tips:
- send her out to a market or shops when you are home, even if it is just to get milk;
- I have 'ordered' my helper to take a lunch break, get outdoors and revive. When I gave her the option, she still didn't do it, but I have told her I want her to;
- give her some additional tasks that maybe you wouldn't do, like go and bake some cookies or cake, she can go and get the ingredients etc.
- try and structure your days so she cleans whilst you are out and then she goes out when you are home (if you can).
Although I am no expert and as I said, I am stuggling to adapt, the above may help. I too am keen to read others advice. I know it sounds horrible and don't mean to sound like a whinger, but I would actually get rid of my helper if I wasn't expecting another baby in a couple of months, and hire someone part time. It is just not for me, and it is something that we will readdress a couple of months after baby number two arrives (I am hoping I have adapted a little more by then). Thanks for posting this thread!
 
When you say that she "hangs around" do you mean that she stays in the same room that you are in or that she hangs out in her room? I just wondering whether what is bothering you is her being your "shadow" or whether it is just the thought of her being in the apartment regardless of whether you can see or hear her. My helper is very good at being unobtrusive - basically she goes to her room and surfs the net/talks on the phone etc and I can shut the kitchen door and forget that she is there.
I agree with what AussieMum says regarding giving her tasks. Give her a recipe book and get her to try some new recipes. Going to the supermarket for all of the ingredients will get her out of the apartment for a while! Perhaps you can have fresh baked brownies for afternoon tea tomorrow....mmmm.....
 
i understand that you are feeling a little suffocated. the advice given by the previous posters is great.

what many have a hard time getting used to is actually having someone there to "take up the slack". when our helper first started, i was in the hospital before delivering my first. i asked my hubby if she was making him breakfast. he said, no but that it didn't matter as it was easy enough for him to do himself. i had to explain to him that was what she was for. she was there to help us do these little things.

you could tell her the time you will be up and when to have breakfast for you. you could tell her what you want the day before and she can go out to get the ingredients. make it special, like blueberry pancakes or something like that. you could change it up every day. that way, she could do the shopping for the next day as well, so she's always buying ingredients for tomorrow's food, not todays. that way if she can't find something, then you can send her further afield.

you could have her run down to pay your bills. if you write cheques and give her the bills, then she could easily spend an hour or so running around to pay them all.

you can go through your cookbooks and mark anything that looks interesting to you. tell her that you would like her to present to you a menu for the month. (breakfast, lunch and dinner~ if that is what you are home for). not only that, but she should write down all of the ingredients that she would need so that she knows in advance and can plan accordingly to reduce waste. (ie. if she's making stir-fried mixed vegetables, she could use the left over cabbage...highly unlikely that she'd use a whole head for the first.... to make lebanese cabbage rolls.)

she could use time that you are home to be doing all of these things. ask her to take a couple of afternoons to do all of this planning.

get her to do as many of the errands that you need to do just to get her out. instead of getting the dry cleaning picked up and delivered to your house, get her to take it.

also, be kind but firm. if you don't want her hanging around, maybe get her a tv for her room and a dvd player. if you aren't happy with her watching tv during "work" time, maybe you can find some cooking show tv shows for her to watch and write down the recipes?

if you like to give your little one a bath yourself, then have her run the bath and clean up after you've finished.

i figure that if she cooks breakfast, then cleans up after you. then does some cleaning. makes lunch... cleans up... goes to the supermarket... cooks dinner, cleans up... most of the day is gone...
 
i can imagine it being tough depending on the size / layout of where you live. we were in a serviced apartment for 2 weeks with my helper when she first started and i cried and cried. hated having her in my space with nothing to do!
when we moved to a large apartment it was much better. her room was at the very far end off the back of the kitchen and large laundry. i would never see her and had to come and look for her if i wanted her to do something for me. she would be busying herself ironing or in one of the stupid # of bathrooms somewhere.
we have recently moved to a much larger house but the layout is different and her room and the laundry area are much smaller. she is therefore more often in the general living spaces folding laundry and things. if we didn't already have such a good relationship i would be finding it tough. but we have worked together for a couple of years now and she is still a quite and unobstrusive person . I have even invited her to watch american idol with me this week!!
 
Aussie Mum and Sea Princess - reading your posts was like reading my own frustrations to the letter! I've had a helper for 8 months now and I still can't get used to the lack of privacy. The main problem is the lay out of our apartment - our DH has to go through the living room to use the bathroom and the 'common bathroom' is very much in earshot of all the bedrooms (sometimes get woken up when she goes in the middle of the night). I have to confess, I do take the kids out a lot just to get some personal space!
I'm moving apartments in Aug and the main criteria will be more privacy. If I wasn't going back to work, I would be weighing up the pros and cons of actually having someone here at all. I reckon it's just a case of different folks, different privacy needs!
 
If you get really down about this, what about a 'live out' option? There are of course both legal and illegal ways of doing it..

You have less freedom/spontaneity as nights out need to be arranged, but you retain a degree of privacy and still have the help at crucial periods of the day.

As stated above, there are legal/local hire options (more expensive) and the cheaper but illegal route (having a FDH live in a boarding house).

These options work for a lot of people.
 
sorry to have gone off the tangent a bit.. i need a DH quite urgently as my current one decides not to renew the contract coz she knows we will be hiring one more DH and she doesnt work with someone else. Im delivering in sept but i would need to train up two before my due date. so i you have any referrals pls call ask them to call me at 9674-3660. Ms Lai.

to continue with the threads above, i think the "live out" option is good. my place was too small to have a full time DH. i paid her $1800 more a month plus extra transportation costs (sometimes cab fare if stay stays beyond 9:30pm). it worked out very well. she comes in later on Sat as well. Good Luck
 
It actually sounds like you just need a part timer rather than a full timer. Or, if you want someone full time so you have access to help when you do need her I guess she could always try and get some part time work herself to get her out of the house! Ofcourse, you can't really suggest that to her it being illegal and all...
 
dee... it may be "good" but if it is a FDH, then it is illegal. (as mentioned by someone else)

personally, i would not want to take the risk. if i was caught employing someone and having them live out, i could be banned from every hiring another one! as a working mum, that is just not a possiblity.
 
thanks

Hi
Thanks so much everyone for your reassuring responses.
Sherwes
I think she hangs around the house and not in her room as she is not busy enough and is bored and gets restless? I have told her once her cleaning & ironing is done then she has finished and she can have "her" time until just before dinner. She had previously worked for a Chinese family before and was responsible for just about everything including attending to the children in the middle of the night. The last family (expats) had her looking after their baby a fair bit of the time also. I on the other hand do not want or expect that sort of role. I want to continue to do the cooking and more importantly caring for my child 100% of the time. They're things I love and enjoy and give me purpose. I think that you're right, just the fact she is in my space is enough to feel annoyed (like a shadow lurking in the background!). Sadly, due to the floor plan of the apartment, she is always in view of us when in the kitchen or laundry. Our apartment is open plan, very annoying!
Carang and aussiegirl
If I could find a reliable, permanent, legal, live out, part timer, that could house sit when we are away for the pets this would be ideal for me! I think I'd get the best of both worlds. Who knows if this sort of thing exists?
Leah H
I have the pet dilema. A very old dog that just made it here to HK and has never been in a bording kennel before. Crazy as I sound, I would rather have her in her own environment with all those familiar smells. If I didn't have the dog here, then I would NOT have a live in I know that much for sure!
Aussie mum
So glad I'm not the only one struggling with this. Thanks for your reassurance. Also thinking of having another baby so I keep telling myself that this might become more of an attraction for me, having a DH that is, after being up all night with a bubs?

I have taken on board what you have all said. I am going to do a timetable and roster times I want her out of the apartment (so I can have personal space) and see how that goes. I am also going to investigate other options for pet boarding just to see if I can do it and legal part time help.

Thanks for all your support.
 
Seems like "live out" is the best option here. I think to have the DHs live out should be the future trend of employing a DH, especially in HK where space is such a luxury.
Would be great if some DHs in the same building rent an apartment in that building, and whenever the employers need them, they can immediately be present, if not, they can simply have their own time chatting with other DHs, or they can share in buying themselves a TV, a computer, etc. This is good as they won't have so much homesick, and they can have their own privacy as well.

if anyone of you are in the related business, do propose to the relevant agency. i am sure most of the employers and even the DHs will welcome the idea.
 
Hunter
I think that on a Helpers wage it would be impossible for them to rent in the same apartment complex as most of us expats even if they rallied money together?
I don't see too mnay of them in our apartment complex lonely. They seem to have a lovely suppoort network and are pretty supportive of one another, but that's just what I've seen here in our complex.
 
if you are just looking for someone to take care of your dogs, check out my husband's website:

Home

we home board dogs all the time. we have had VERY old dogs in the past. my hubby literally had to carry the dogs outside so they could do their business.

that would eliminate the need of having a helper.

good luck whatever you decide. it's not easy.
 
Carang
Thanks, I just did a google search on dog kennels in HK about 10 minutes prior to your post and found this site. Looks great!
 
sea princess, this is simply a fantasy on top of my head. I understand about the finance issue.
of course, there will be adjustments in their employment terms if "living out" gets to be the trend.
 
I found once in the HK Magazine some information about the Employees Retraining Board of the HK Gov. The helpers are trained in household cleaning, laundry, basic cooking, infant care and safety, and can work part time legally.
I visited their site but it's only in chinese : ldh.erb.org or call 2317-4567.
This information was given last year, hope it still update.

Edit : their english version is working now :)
 
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the other option is to try an agency.

i have two part-time cleaners that clean my playgroup centre. there was a helper agency next door for a while when i opened and i just went in and told them that i wanted LEGAL part-time. at first they sent my FDH, but when i reiterated that i was ONLY interested in LEGAL helpers, they found me two lovely ladies that have done the retraining.

the only drawback to these ladies is that they speak NO english at all.
 
To encourage her to spend more time in her room, maybe get the Philippino channel put in? We got the basic cable package + Philippino channel which was much appreciated
 
Our situation did improve a lot when we lent her a laptop and she has internet access. She has started spending a lot of time on MSN chatting to her family and seems a lot happier for it!
 
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