How do you handle toddler's bedtime tantrum

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Biggie

Registered User
Our 2 yr old recently became very difficult at bedtime: Refusing to go to bed and wanted to read book or get out of his room. I know it has to do with our new baby, but that aside, how do you handle bedtime tantrums ?
When he was younger, we can just leave him in crib and walk out. It's harder now as he can cause some real damage and would throw up after too much crying. And what if he's in real bed instead of crib? And if he can open the door?
The solution we have now is to cuddle him to sleep while he is crying, or give in and read book after book until he falls asleep. I don't really like either methods and wonder if you can share what you do in such cases.
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You said that your son wanted to read a book? Do you read to him before bed? I think that if you have a strong and developed bedtime pattern/ritual in place it helps a lot. Our son takes a bath every night (warm water calms him down), we dim the lights in his room, we read him several books, sometimes he has a small snack, pray with him before he goes to sleep and then we put on a CD (either music or stories) which he listens to while he nods off to sleep.

I also usually lay down to cuddle with him before he falls asleep but this is something I enjoy doing and it makes him feel more secure. I don't do it to pacify him after he starts throwing a fit--I offer to cuddle with him for a few minutes initially so there is actually no need for him to throw a tantrum. The time is very limited. If I'm tired or have other things to attend to I usually tell him, "Okay, I'm going to cuddle with you for five minutes and then I'm going out"--it's become a habit so he doesn't fight about it anymore. He knows that Mama will always take the time to give him that attention so it's not a power struggle.

Also, on really fussy nights I have given him a book or toy to hold/play with until he falls asleep and I really seen no harm in it--it serves as a comfort/distraction for him. Usually, when I check back on him he's already fallen asleep and it's not a regular thing that he actually wants or asks for some item to sleep with.

He did go through a point where he was coming out of his room or moving around his room when he was supposed to be in bed and we put an immediate stop to that. I told him that if he came out of his room one more time he would have a spanking. I think we only had to make good on that threat once and he never came out again. Now, all I do is knock on the door and he knows to get back in bed and lay down.

I think it's all about setting boundaries, sticking to those boundaries, offering rewards and consequences and most of all having a good, stable routine that offers security. With a new baby I'd be guessing your son probably feels a bit displaced. He may need more reassurance (more cuddles at night, more books at night, not less) that he's still important. More than anything, don't make it into a drama--yelling at him or getting overwhelmed only adds to the problem, I think. Just be firm and no matter how many times he gets up all night long, make sure that you're responding in the same firm way each time.

Hope you have some help to get you through this time (husband, helper etc.). It must be rough.
 
i think the biggest thing is that once YOU decide what/how you want it to be, that YOU stick with it... if you give in to demands after a lengthy "fight" all you do is teach your child that if they fuss a little bit longer, they'll eventually get what they want.

we've never had a huge issue with bedtimes as the rules were set out from a very young age. just tonight, my daughter was not finishing her dinner (she's just turned 4) and i reminded her that if she didn't finish her dinner by the set time, she would be brushing her teeth and going straight to bed. it is NOT a punishment and it isn't treated as such. it is just the consequences of not finishing dinner. her words to me were, 'that's ok mummy, i'm getting sleepy. can i eat it for breakfast?" then she went off and got her toothbrush and toothpaste without any fuss whatsoever. about 10 minutes after she toddled off to bed, i said to my son (who had finished his dinner) that he had 10 more minutes until he had to brush his teeth and go to bed. he decided after about 2 minutes that he was "quite tired, so i'm going to bed. good night mummy."

when both kids have finished their dinner, they usually can play etc until about 7:30 at which time they brush their teeth and go off to bed. they are almost always in bed by 7:45pm and usually asleep between 8-8:15.

i think the reason it's so easy for us 99% of the time is that we've taught them to recognise the signs of their own tiredness. because of this, they often decide to go to bed on their own...
 
We have a routine and he used to be good. We would read some books and then he got tired and asked to be put to bed or we just put him to bed(crib). Now he doesn't do that anymore and is always fighting not to go to bed. I want to set a limit and be stricter but problem is, as I pointed out above that he is older now and capable of hurting himself ( banging head on floor, might climb out of crib ) and later when he's in real bed he could be throwing fist in the room which is dangerous if unsupervised. So the question i have is how do you handle such fit WHEN it happens
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i've always ignored it. walked out and closed the door. (they HATE that!) i leave them to it and tell them i'll come back when they've finished. they mostly do it for attention, so i take away the attention. i've NEVER supervised a fit! that only gives them what they want.

if your child is climbing out of the crib, it's time to change to a bed.


again, the best thing to do is to choose your battles and once you have to be consistent and not to give in. if it's bed time and he gets out of bed, you just take him back to bed... no talking. he may do it a hundred times/night, you just have to stick ith it and do it the same way again and again and again until he's too tired to do anything about it.

as for throwing up after crying... i'd never heard of that until i came to hk. if my kids ever did it, i would make them help clean it up. it is an attention seeking action. the child is in no way sick. they force themselves into this behaviour. i would NOT tolerate that at all, ever.
 
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my 2yr old has learnt to throw fits too - not for sleep time but when she is changes. what I do is stay around and let her throw her fit, get it out of her system - I might give her a minute to "act out" but at the same time IGNORE her. I'm there, but I don't actually do anything...I just want to make sure she is same, since she can cry till you wants to throw up too. normally, 1 minute, she is about to calm down, and then I will "reason with her" - talk to her calmly and tell her that it "doesn't hurt" - her head is a bit big, and the turtle necks she's been wearing are a bit more tight than the big colllared shirts - anyhow, once she is more calm, I tell her, "mommy will help you do it" and "mommy will be gentle, OK?" kind of reassuring her that I will give her my time and do it for her rather than having the helper or daddy do it (we too have a younger one and tantrums have magnified since she arrived).

bed time - she might have some tantrums, but it is less common than changing. when she has, i normally stay with her in her room and let her cry...for around 1 minute, then i will refocus her frame of mind and ask her what books she wants to read - giving her suggestions of her favorite books. on these days, i do not strict with the time of bed, i am more concerned about her calming down, and mentally preparing her for bed time. we always read books - but on these days, we might read a few more books, after which i will tuck her into bed...one thing i do each night is talk to her and tell her what the plans are for the next day, on tantrum days, i might add a few "fun" activities (going to ocean park etc.) just to make her happy and willing to sleep, then a kiss, and "be good now...mommy will play with you tomorrow" kind of thing and then I leave. normally she is calm and will not cry anymore or come out of her room (she's in a toddler bed) - this whole "process" could take up to 15mins...patience is the key, and at 2yr. I tend to believe that they are unable to express themselves so use "extraordinary means" to get our attention...i try to give attention, but on my grounds - calm down, i will talk to you, kind of thing. hope this helps!
 
actually, at that age, extraordinary means are usually what toddlers resort to first... at least that's what i've experienced having taught this age of child for almost 16 years.

toddlers this age do not yet have the mental capacity to be able to distinguish "good" attention from "bad" attention. generally, they are also unable to verbalise their feelings on their own. the only way they know how to release their anger and frustration is through a fit.

i forgot to say that i deal with my two kids slightly differently. they are different children and handle situation scompletely differently.

with my older child, i tell him that the longer he cries/screams the longer he'll stay in his room. that works. he always quiets down on his own.

with my younger child, i leave her for 2 minutes. then i go in and ask her if she's finished and would she like a cuddle. if she continues screaming, i go out for another 2 minutes. usually after 4-6 minutes, she says, 'yes, mummy, i'm finished.' and then i give her a cuddle and talk her down a little more...after 2 minutes of talking her down, she's fine.
 
Biggie said:
We have a routine and he used to be good. We would read some books and then he got tired and asked to be put to bed or we just put him to bed(crib). Now he doesn't do that anymore and is always fighting not to go to bed. I want to set a limit and be stricter but problem is, as I pointed out above that he is older now and capable of hurting himself ( banging head on floor, might climb out of crib ) and later when he's in real bed he could be throwing fist in the room which is dangerous if unsupervised. So the question i have is how do you handle such fit WHEN it happens
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At 2-years-old, I would get rid of the crib because it's becoming more dangerous than useful because a child climbing out of a crib will fall further than a child crawling out of bed. Unless he is in a total rage, I wouldn't think that throwing a tantrum in the room is that big of a problem. But, then again, I don't have a child who punches walls or does anything destructive to himself or others when he's upset. Also, my son's room is a pretty safe place in general (no sharp or dangerous objects etc.).

We just don't allow fits, honestly. We don't put up with them. If he's just crying and carrying on (maybe rolling on the floor--that sort of thing) I tell him, "I will be back when you calm down" and I walk out of the room and close the door. I learned that from the way my own mother dealt with him. She would just leave him lying on the floor wherever and walk away. If he ran after to her and tried to hang on her leg (that probably only happened once) she would calmly and gently repeat what she had said and lay him back down on the floor to continue his fit. You just have to keep your own cool and stick to it. Depriving him of an audience usually makes the fit a lot less severe.

At my son's age now, 3-years-old, I will just say to him, "Are you done crying yet?" and for some reason he'll pull himself together. I just don't reward the behavior by fighting with him, giving him attention or trying to force him to settle down. My theory is that if you don't add oil, the fire will die out.

Also, I will give him choices. For example, I'll say, "Do you want to listen to [name of CD] or not listen to [name of CD]?" If he says he wants to listen then I say, "Well, you need to get into bed in order to do that." I only give him a few seconds to respond. If he doesn't then I just say, "Well, I'm going out. Goodnight." He's learned to make up his mind pretty fast and to stop crying or carrying on if he wants to get something.

Also agree totally with carang that the throwing up action is 1) nothing to be concerned about (for example, my younger sister used to throw such a fit that she would turn purple, pass out and pee her pants when she was a toddler--my mother was freaked out and took her to the doctor--apparently, this sort of thing--along with children working themselves up so much that they throw up is pretty common--it's not dangerous and you shouldn't give any more attention to it--the more you focus on it as in "ah, poor baby, I'm so sorry you threw a fit so hard that you threw up"--the more that child is going to do it) 2) Something that you should either ignore or as carang suggested--make the child help you clean up.
 
My two year old can sometimes be difficult to put to bed, but one thing that we did was put a gate on the doorway. Her room is pretty safe for her to be in, and she is in a big bed (she was previously running out of the room) - so now we just close the gate and leave her in there. She sometimes will cry and carry on a little - but she can't get out and we mostly ignore her. She puts herself to sleep eventually. I think she has an understanding of what the boundaries are, and if she can't go to sleep, she'll sing to herself or read stories, or play with her stuffed toys etc... But she VERY RARELY gets back out of her room once that gate is closed and she knows that. Some nights she's asleep within 5-10 minutes, other nights it takes more than an hour and even as long as two hours to get to sleep. But I think that for her, knowing what the boundaries are and also being physically unable to leave her room really worked for her.
 
Thanks for all the stories and suggestion. To be honest, it upsets me more than him - he doesn't seem to remember the next morning, but I'm heart broken since he used to be such a happy and "easy " kid before #2 arrives.
He is very stubborn and can cry for over an hour at night ( we have tried that when he woke up in the middle of the night and we didn't go into his room).
I'm inclined to play "nice" and read more books till he falls asleep rather than close the door and let him scream. After we move in s few weeks he will have a real bed and things might be more settled.
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what you need to be able to distinguish is: is he screaming because he's angry or because he's truly frightened? if my kids are angry, i let them scream. they are entitled to be angry, just as i am...BUT if they are frightened, then i cuddle & reassure them...

we aren't heartless because we let the kids cry... to me, this is VASTLY different than CIO with a baby.
 
Biggie said:
Thanks for all the stories and suggestion. To be honest, it upsets me more than him - he doesn't seem to remember the next morning, but I'm heart broken since he used to be such a happy and "easy " kid before #2 arrives.
He is very stubborn and can cry for over an hour at night ( we have tried that when he woke up in the middle of the night and we didn't go into his room).
I'm inclined to play "nice" and read more books till he falls asleep rather than close the door and let him scream. After we move in s few weeks he will have a real bed and things might be more settled.
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Ah, that makes sense. There is a fabulous book out there called "Secrets of the Baby Whisperer"--I have the original version and the expanded version for the toddler years and beyond. The author talks about "accidental parenting"--when we do things to appease our children so we don't feel so bad rather than just biting the bullet and doing what's actually best for them (and will achieve the desired behavior results).

It does take a lot of guts to stand up to your toddler and there have been times when I disciplined my son and I had to go in the other room and have a cry by myself because it was emotionally difficult to do.

I think it can be compared to immunizing your child. I don't know about you, but I can't stand to see my child cry and for this reason it's really hard to see him have his shots (jabs, immunizations). But, does that mean I just don't do it because it makes me uncomfortable? No. The benefits in the long-run outweigh the temporary discomfort (for me and him).

So, even crying for an hour a night isn't that big of a deal if you can make yourself go through it. (If you're consistent you'll find that that hour won't be an hour after a couple of weeks--it will diminish and go away) It's not the cry-it-out-method (CIO) where you just leave the child to scream until they can't anymore.

You keep checking back with him and reassure him that you still love him and are there--comfort him just enough to calm him down a bit and then you leave. If he starts crying again you tell yourself that you'll check back in a few more minutes (you set the time and keep an eye on the clock) and you just keep doing this until he learns that you are the one setting the agenda, not him.

At 2-years-old, most children do not have the actual mental maturity to "reason" and by trying to negotiate a "deal" with them you are overwhelming them with too much power. They need leadership and assurance.

Also agree with carang that there is a big difference between actual fear and just a need to assert control. Two-year-olds often struggle at bedtimes and with meals etc. in an effort to test boundaries and see if they can influence their little worlds.
 
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