how do you handle "bragging mum" (or dads)

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purple1

Registered User
Hypothetical scenario: you were talking to some other mums about how your baby have trouble [going to sleep/eating by himself/controlling his temper], one mum start bragging about how good her baby is in [going to sleep/eating by himself/controlling his temper], how you are doing it all wrong, or even quoting research that her method is the best method, and try to make you feel guilty/pathetic about what you have done.
Don't you just want to punch her in the face? How do you deal with that?
 
I've come across a few of those smug mums. I agree with the above post. Don't give them the satisfaction of having an audience to brag to. IGNORE.
 
maybe they are not bragging? maybe they are taking your complaining/discussion as a request for advice? why make it into something negative?

you could always just say: tried that... didn't work.

it's the same on here. just because we offer advice (always based on what WE would do if in your situation), it shouldn't be taken as bragging.

also, keep in mind that while their kids might eat/sleep well, maybe they have a fearsome temper? no one is perfect. no child, and certainly no parent.
 
carang said:
maybe they are not bragging? maybe they are taking your complaining/discussion as a request for advice? why make it into something negative?

you could always just say: tried that... didn't work.

it's the same on here. just because we offer advice (always based on what WE would do if in your situation), it shouldn't be taken as bragging.

also, keep in mind that while their kids might eat/sleep well, maybe they have a fearsome temper? no one is perfect. no child, and certainly no parent.
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Very much agree with carang.

With my first, he didn't sleep and he didn't sleep and he didn't sleep. I had all these well-meaning friends and relatives who would always say, "Well, have you tried..." or "You must not have tried ______ yet....because my son sleeps great and this is what I do." At first, I tried everything they suggested and then I came to a point where I just told myself that they didn't really know the type of child I had on my hands and it was best that I just sorted things out myself. I would listen politely to what they said and promptly ignore it--not to be rude but just because I couldn't deal with it.

I really struggled when my son was little (uh....for like the first 18 months?). I kind of remember those times as ones when my friends must have been watching me with my son in a sort of amused horror as their precious little ones sat there contentedly and cooed gently in their laps (as I remember it, ha!) while my active boy tore up the place. And I just felt like no one had any sympathy/understanding for me. And then I just kind of said to myself, "Well, this is what real motherhood is about...everyone thinking they understand but you're the only one who can/has to live through life taking care of your own child so get on with it." Things started getting better from then on. Also, my husband and I went to see a counselor and the first thing she suggested was "Secrets of the Baby Whisperer"--and that book helped me a lot.

But, now with my second child, who really is a fantastic sleeper, nurser and all-around calm and sweet baby (an "easy baby") I am sure careful not to go around telling everyone that because I remember how furious I felt when all of my friends would extol the wonders of a full night's sleep when their babies were only a few weeks old. I realize how amazing having a laid-back baby is and how I shouldn't take it for granted. I prayed and pleaded with God that I wouldn't have another child like my first was as a baby and He showed me mercy by giving me a child with a much calmer temperment.

The best thing you can do is try to pick out the positive, realize that your hormones are probably messing with you a lot (especially if you've recently given birth), try not to get bitter with everyone in the world (this is my struggle), get tougher skin (that's what I had to do) and ignore whoever is driving you crazy.
 
I think it's the attitude or tone that is the issue. When someone is talking about their problems and another person decides he/she is the xavier and starts raving about how he never has such issues or how fabulous his/her kids are etc just comes off as inconsiderate and fishing for compliments.
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purple1 said:
I think it's the attitude or tone that is the issue. When someone is talking about their problems and another person decides he/she is the xavier and starts raving about how he never has such issues or how fabulous his/her kids are etc just comes off as inconsiderate and fishing for compliments.
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in that case i tend NOT to give in and give praise...though I know they might be waiting for it! :0 I'm terrible that way :) Sorry - but it if deserves a compliment, it will be given, but not when the attitude is wrong. though i do agree with Carang, I do try to look at the +ves in things as that makes me feel much happier...don't want someone insignificant to be a downer on my day! My motto is Keep Smiling! :)
 
when i was pregnant with my first, i had absolutely awful morning sickness. i lost over 20lbs in the first trimester... people were CONSTANTLY giving advice about what i should eat, what i should avoid etc. yes, after 3 months of eating nothing (if i even thought about food, i'd be sick) it started to get annoying as i'd tried everything.

but i NEVER got annoyed with anyone. they were trying to help! so, i'd just smile nicely and say, 'thanks, i'll try that.' and move on....

why get worked up and negative? perhaps they are not meaning to come off as bragging? otherwise, it would be difficult to them to say anything nice about their kids ever...

just for your info: my daughter, i think, is "gifted"... she is extremely bright and bored at kindergarten. her vocabulary, when she chooses to use it is immense. BUT, she has a TERRIBLE temper. she doesn't throw a fit. she pouts and refuses to move, speak, interact at all with anyone. if we were talking about schooling and i mention that mine is bored at school because it's too easy for her.... you would consider it bragging. i wouldn't mention the latter part, because we are talking about schooling.

so, perhaps your child sucks at school, but is a lovely, calm, cool and collected child.... again, if we are talking about schooling and you talk about your child and then i mention mine. you would consider it bragging? if the roles are reversed?

i really think you are reading too much into it. perhaps they thought it was an open and honest discourse on whatever subject you were discussing? did you ever say while talking about the subject...."oh, i just don't know what to do anymore! i've tried everything!" .... if so, maybe they thought you were asking for advice.

in the job that i do, i deal with hundreds of very young kids every week (10m-4yrs). in my capacity, i am constantly being asked for advice and told about difficulties experienced with the children. it's part of my job to offer ideas on how to make it better... doesn't mean i know it all or even that i think i do.... i just have a lot more experience with these ages of children than the average parent has....
 
purple1 said:
I think it's the attitude or tone that is the issue. When someone is talking about their problems and another person decides he/she is the xavier and starts raving about how he never has such issues or how fabulous his/her kids are etc just comes off as inconsiderate and fishing for compliments.
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Yep. I think that every mom has been on both ends of this equation--or at least most I know. The thing is in life we can't control what other people say or how they say it but we can control our response to what they say.

It also depends on the situation and how close one is to the person. If it were a close friend, I would just express my feelings to her as in, "I know you probably don't mean to be like this but when you say this, I feel this way..." Hopefully with close friends I would be able to work through it with them with minimal hurt feelings on both sides.

If it's just random people or acquaintances, I tend to just kind of brush it off. If they're people I come into contact with a lot, I might consider distancing myself from them if they clearly are trying to "get at me." Another option is to politely take the person aside and explain your own vulnerabilities as in, "I know you probably aren't meaning to bug me with this but y'know, I'm having some difficult times in mommyland and just thought I'd let you know that those comments kind of make it tougher for me."

Apart from these, there isn't much that can be done, I think. None of us are as helpful and sensitive as we should be all the time and moms can be the worst offenders, I think. We can also be the worst offenders when it comes to...well...getting offended.
 
I think it's the attitude or tone that is the issue. When someone is talking about their problems and another person decides he/she is the xavier and starts raving about how he never has such issues or how fabulous his/her kids are etc just comes off as inconsiderate and fishing for compliments.

Probably filter them OUT as friends. The truth of the matter for me is when you are from St Elsewheres (me) and first come to HK you are kind of thrown in with people who you may or may not really get along with. Unlike back home where you have had a whole lifetime to slowly develop your circle and you have naturally been able to distance yourself from those not to your taste.

Here, in HK, the fist year I was surrounded by people who were ALWAYS fishing for compliments, and I've come to realise that its because in this society (or at least the people I was exposed to), you have to bring something to the table (transactional society) and have been told many times, that you are not special in and of yourself but because you bring something to the table....extraordinary wife, mother, cook, knitter extraordinaire ect.....it didn't feel as if I could just be okay for being a regular mum with regular struggles and anyway people weren't interested in hearing it.

With time though and with more confidence in my own abilities and intuition, I started to contract my circle of friends, to the ones that I really liked and could truly share my joys (and not have them be envious or belittle my achievements) and my struggles (and not have them just tell me how wonderful their life was....blah,blah,blah.......). End of the day, its taken time, and I'm still going through the process now.

It was my husband who pointed out to me that I developed my circled of friends over a lifetime in Australia, and expected that to be replicated in like 2 minutes here....well it can't happen and didn't.......but I am in a better place for seeing it from this perspective.

So...end of the day, if you honestly believe that these people don't have your best interests at heart and aren't really sharing with you, weed them out of your circle, life is incredibly busy with children and husbands in tow, so it's not as if you can actually spare the time to waste with these types. Finally, you will find the right group for you with perseverence....
 
I think its important to be proud of yourself as a mother and confident in your choices. Every mother is different, and every baby is different. When people brag to me that their babies sleep through the night or whatever, I am not impressed one iota, as I wonder what their babies went through to achieve that. I prefer my baby to be able to do things in his own time. I am proud of this little person regardless of when he does things. As soon as I stopped caring what everyone else thought and what the books said, I fell even more in love with mummy-hood. Enjoy your little person and his/her uniqueness :)
 
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